Chapter 11 #2
“You didn’t even know me,” said Eris, harrowed by a visceral need to punch someone she had never met. “Took me home, changed my life, asked for nothing in return… Being good to you is the very least I can do.”
“Changed your life?” Denny huffed out a watery laugh. “Isn’t that a bit of an exaggeration?”
“Hold that thought until you’ve got the full picture.”
Denny hadn’t seen enough, didn’t know where Eris came from, what her life had been like before.
They’d talk about it one day.
The tips of Denny’s fingers ghosted over the jagged scar slanting across Eris’ lips. “You’ve been through some rough times, haven’t you?”
“This is another conversation for a day we can ruin with unpleasant stories.”
Denny didn’t insist. She buried herself into Eris’ embrace, humming at the kiss that was pressed to her temple.
Eris’ body was responding to an instinct that was coming out of nowhere, gestures she’d never done before flowing in her limbs like second nature despite the novelty of it all.
When she was with Denny, something clicked: Denny became the priority, the most important thing.
Denny must be okay.
Denny must be happy.
Nothing else mattered.
“It’s so strange having an actual conversation with you. Like, out loud. Both of us.”
“It’ll happen again. The silence.” Eris’ chin set on top of Denny’s head as she swallowed. Ghosts of enraged screams reverberated in her head. Slamming doors. Darkness. Terror. Tears. “Sometimes I just… shut down.”
Denny picked up the stack of flashcards from Eris’ lap and thumbed through it until she found the ‘I’m overwhelmed, I need a break’ one with the hedgehog balled up on itself.
“Here.” She placed it into Eris’ hand. “Your timeout free pass. You pull this one and I’ll leave you alone, no questions asked. ”
Moved, Eris trailed her fingers down the card, realising how much easier everything would have been if anyone had done this for her before—accepted her limits, granted her space when she needed it, offered simple compromises for her complicated moods.
She’ll get tired of this shit, eventually, she thought, but was surprised to realise she didn’t truly believe it.
A lump swelled in her throat. “Promise me you’ll never take it personally.” The mere idea of making Denny feel unwanted, even inadvertently, made her sick.
A long pause of silence stretched between them. If perfection existed, this must be it: the cold, the light rain, Denny tucked against her, holding on to her like she was something to be treasured.
“Sounds like commitment.” Denny’s hand trailed across Eris’ abs, brushing just below her breasts.
Eris had to close her eyes for a second to recentre herself. She felt every inch of Denny’s warmth seared in her flesh through the layers of fabric.
“It does, doesn’t it?” She was surprised to realise that that was what she wanted: commitment, stability, a future to plan. “That’s never been me.”
The future wasn’t something she was used to considering. Every year she survived, she was sure it’d be her last. It was scary to have something to live for.
“There’s a first time for everything,” said Denny with a cheerful lilt.
“Ever the optimist.”
“My ex nearly killed my interest in relationships. Optimism is kinda what keeps me going.”
“Does this ex have anything to do with your overapologising?”
No answer was required: Denny’s face said it all. It was enough for Eris: there was someone out there that she was entitled to hate by proxy.
“I’m a notorious fuckup, Sunshine.”
“We’ve been doing great so far without even trying.”
“You said just minutes ago that you’ve been trying really hard to hold yourself back for me.”
“I fail more often than not, and you don’t even hold it against me.”
The breezy tone of the statement made it even more painful.
Something in Eris’ memory stirred, blurry and faded. Someone’s anger crashing down on her from above. A chilling fear in her bones. Pain. Grief. A grief so profound it petrified her.
‘Why can’t you just be STILL? You’re driving me mental! And stop crying, bloody hell! Someone make her stop or I will!’
“It’s who you are,” she said with a pang in her heart. “No one should make you feel like you have to suppress it.”
A faint sniff. Denny pulled back to smile at her. “Aren’t we getting a little ahead of ourselves? We’ve barely kissed once and we’re already afraid of fucking up?”
It must sound silly to her. She’d had real relationships before. She’d fucked up before, had gone through breakups before. Eris had zero experience with that and quite a lot of expertise in falling short.
“I spent the better part of the last fifteen years wondering what it’d be like to have someone who cared about me.” She skimmed her thumb over Denny’s damp cheek, still not wholly convinced that any of this was real. “And now you’re here, and I’m terrified.”
“Of what?”
Eris almost didn’t hear that. She was lost in contemplation, crushed by a sweet agony she didn’t have a name for.
It felt like an earthquake in her soul as she drank in Denny’s lovely face cradled in her palm, those chiselled features and the pretty freckles, the moles and the outline of her nose, those adorable puffy eyes…
She let out a sigh that was more like a groan. “I’m generally okay with hurting people. I don’t really care.” Denny’s eyes narrowed in a reproachful scowl. “What? I don’t. But I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you.”
“You’d never intentionally hurt me,” said Denny, like the mere idea was preposterous.
“Unintentionally, though?”
“Still getting way ahead of ourselves.”
Eris needed to get ahead of herself. This was new—too new. She needed to know what to expect, needed to be prepared. Leaps of faith weren’t her forte. But Denny had a point: Eris should allow herself some time to process what was going on.
“I’ve never had anything serious,” she confessed, unable to tell if the churn in her stomach was normal anxiety or legit fear. “Ever, Denny. I’m not good at being romantic and shit like that.”
Gentle fingers grabbed her chin and tipped her face to the side so that she could see the aching tenderness in Denny’s eyes. “As long as you don’t mind being romanced…”
If it came from Denny, there was no display of affection that Eris would mind.
“I fancy a florist… What do you think?”
A raindrop splashed on Denny’s nose, morphing her radiant smile into surprise.
“We should go home.” Eris tried to stand up but was met by firm resistance.
“Not yet.”
“We’re going to get soaked.”
“Don’t care.”
“You will tomorrow.”
“Five more minutes?”
“I’m freezing.”
Just like that, Denny was on her feet and pulling Eris along.
Eris tried not to laugh.
Denny pouted. “It was a trick, wasn’t it?”
“Desperate times and all that. Picture how much better this would be if we were on the couch,” Eris soft-soaped. “With a cuppa, warm and cosy…”
The way Denny looked at her had an intense depth to it. “How dare you talk to me so dirty in public?”
Eris had never seen Regent’s Park before moving in with Denny.
The foliage looked stunning on sunny days, but the crowds it attracted made her steer away.
In twenty-five whole years, she couldn’t remember one time she’d walked through a park or had spent time with someone for the mere pleasure of it.
She had a soft spot for the Steel Cage gang, and maybe Rocco was growing on her a little.
She was still getting used to it, and it was tiring, sometimes.
Cultivating friendships required socialisation, an art she had never mastered and that took up way too much of her energy, but she had discovered that some people were worth the effort.
The backs of her hand and Denny’s kept brushing as they walked. All jokes aside, walking straight wasn’t Denny’s forte.
At some point, her pinky gingerly hooked around Eris’. “Would you hate it if we…” She trailed off and let go right away. “Never mind.”
Eris took her hand into her own. She wasn’t sure she’d guessed right until Denny tightened her grip, beaming brighter than the sun itself.
“Your hands are so tiny!” she squealed.
“Compared to yours. You have insanely long fingers.”
“The better to caress you with!”
“That’s not where I thought you were going.”
Denny giggled. The warmth of it surrounded Eris like a flare of sunlight.
She had all of this now: Denny’s laugh, her hand to hold, a home to return to with her.
She had gained so much in these past few weeks, a collection of blessings she hadn’t earned and surely didn’t deserve. The price for it had been something that she didn’t know was a luxury until now.
The freedom of having nothing to lose.