22. Campfire Confessions
Campfire Confessions
The fire crackled, eating the bones of the rabbit Driz had caught. That it was a mammal hadn’t escaped Pearl’s notice. While Driz did not hunt them for herself, she had for Pearl. Driz also refused to share it. And Pearl didn’t know what to think about that.
She’d screwed up in more than one way this time.
She’d never had a lover for longer than a few quick encounters before.
Except for Molly, though she was a friend first and after and didn’t count.
But with Driz, Pearl wished she could take back her unkind words, to erase them from history so they had never been spoken.
If she were able, she would return to last night and run to Driz outside the mines, to protect her better.
But Pearl couldn’t change her actions or the past. She couldn’t destroy the words. All she could do was add more and hope to cover and reshape them. And Pearl wasn’t very good at that either.
Driz was honest to a fault. Pearl would try to be the same.
“I’ve always kept people at arm’s length. I push away before they can get too close.”
Driz had been staring, unusually pensive, into the fire, her hand absently rubbing over the shoulder Pearl had used blight on. But she stilled and turned to her now. “Why?”
Pearl shrugged. “Everyone dies, or leaves. It’s easier to not get attached.” The fire crackled in the silence, lulling Pearl into speaking more. “I’m not used to people thinking I’m worth it, let alone telling me.”
Driz looked at her from across the flames. “What do you mean?”
“I’m not a likable person.”
“Yes you are.”
“I don’t even like myself most of the time.”
“I like you.”
“Why?” Pearl was an insect with her wings pinned, exposed and helpless beneath Driz’s gaze. She instantly tensed to throw up her walls, to shoot before the inevitable fire, but she forced herself to wait for Driz’s response.
“You chose to see me when you did not have to. You make my heart pound when I am around you. You are caring and loyal.”
“I’m not,” Pearl countered, overwhelmed already by Driz’s answer and wishing she’d never asked.
“You care about your people.”
“The people I just abandoned, you mean?”
Driz looked down. “You put yourself in danger to protect them. That is care, is it not?”
“That’s duty and responsibility.”
Driz was quiet for a while. “When you shot that cinderwolf last night, was that duty? Did you stay with me because you felt responsible?”
Pearl had to look away. “Yes.”
Driz watched her in silence until Pearl relented.
“Maybe not.”
“You brought me pie. And you kissed me. You like firefoxes too. And you accepted my gifts.”
Pearl touched the pendant that still hung from her neck.
Driz’s eyes fell to it, and a frown appeared on her brow. “Why was your mother so angry?”
Pearl wanted to burrow into the sand so she wouldn’t have to answer. She’d just committed to being honest, but she wasn’t certain telling Driz the truth would be wise. Especially not right now. “My mother’s got a bad past with goyles. A prejudice, you could say.”
“Do you think there is any way I can change her mind?”
Gods, Driz was too much sometimes. She was too earnest. Her heart was so gentle. Pearl had always been the monster between the two of them. “It doesn’t matter,” Pearl said. “I’m not going back there anytime soon.”
“But you will miss your home?”
Pearl shrugged, choosing not to answer that. Instead, she focused on Driz. Her tattered shirt gaped open. Desire flickered through Pearl with the light playing over Driz’s damaged skin. Pearl truly was monstrous.
Pearl leaned over and, at the last moment, reminded herself to divert from Driz’s lips to her cheek.
Pearl still ached with regret at Driz’s earlier confusion. Pearl had been playing with her without explaining the rules. But not anymore. She wouldn’t touch Driz again. Pearl ruined what she touched.
“I’m not promising you anything,” she said against Driz’s jaw. “But I’m not letting you go either. I know that’s not fair, but it’s all I got right now. Will you take it?”
Driz answered by kissing her back. Driz hauled her into her lap and Pearl went, already breaking her new resolve to keep her hands to herself. Until Driz let out a faint hiss.
Pearl forced herself to pull back. “I’m hurting you.”
Driz’s eyes flickered. “I do not mind.”
“I mind.” Pearl traced the damaged side of Driz’s face, where the red scarring blended into the waving striation pattern on her skin. “You speak so funny.”
“I speak properly.”
Pearl laughed lightly. “Yeah. Funny. Why’s that?”
Driz shrugged. “It is how I learned. Gargoyles do not speak much, so each word seems important to get right.”
Pearl liked that answer. She liked an alarming number of things about Driz. She didn’t know what to do with herself or these mushy, unsettling feelings.
Driz watched her too intently, so Pearl hid her face in the uninjured side of Driz’s neck.
Driz held a sleeping Pearl in her arms. As the night deepened, Pearl relaxed into her, warm and pliant. Her breath and heartbeats drummed steadily, her head cradled in the crook of Driz’s elbow, features so smooth and beautiful.
Driz had never touched a sleeping creature. It filled her with joy that Pearl trusted her enough to rest against her. And Driz was terrified by the immense responsibility of it.
Pearl was so fragile and tender in this state. So vulnerable. Driz held perfectly still so she wouldn’t jostle or wake her. Driz stared down at the smattering of dots, the star patterns over her skin, memorizing them like the constellations that slowly shifted above.
Driz wasn’t certain how to process everything that had happened. She was hurt, but she was also deeply happy to have Pearl with her.
Pearl had come after her. Given up everything for her. No one had ever done that for Driz. She’d never dreamed anyone would.
Even if Pearl had accidentally cursed her with the blight, Driz would take it. She would rather be cursed with her than clean without her. And perhaps that was wrong too. But as Driz gazed at Pearl, it didn’t feel wrong.
Pearl wasn’t entirely still in her sleep. Her breath changed sometimes. She twitched and shifted, but her eyes didn’t open. Was she dreaming? Driz wished she could know what that was like. What was Pearl dreaming of?
Driz waited until the glow on the horizon was too strong. And then she waited just a bit more.
“Pearl?” Driz rumbled, her voice rough after not speaking all night.
Pearl mumbled and nestled closer.
“It is almost dawn,” Driz said, easing forward and laying Pearl on the ground.
When Driz pulled her arms from beneath her, Pearl finally blinked open her eyes.
“I must go.”
“No.” Pearl grabbed her wrist, her eyes heavy with sleep.
“I must. I will find you tonight.”
Driz hated leaving her, but it wasn’t safe for her to stay.
She leaned down and pressed a kiss to Pearl’s cheek as she stood, her body stiff and screaming.
Her fresh wounds made their presence known.
When she stretched her wings, they jittered, sending pain lacing down her back and up her neck, spilling from her throat in a sound she hadn’t meant to make.
Pearl sat up. “You’re still hurt.”
“Yes.”
Pearl reached for her. “Stay.”
“It is not safe. I may wake.”
“Have you ever woken from your stone sleep before?”
“No.”
“Then I’m not worried.”
“I do not know what I am like.”
Other goyles had spoken of it at Meetings. She knew she would remember if she woke. They told of being out of control. Of feeling too many things. Like being a different soul in a different body. A burning destruction that spilled out.
Driz feared what she might do. She would never intentionally harm Pearl, but she was not confident she would have that option.
“I’ll be quiet,” Pearl promised.
It was not worth the risk. Driz glanced at the growing light. “I must go.”
She started to run, each step a punishment through her.
She didn’t get very far, rounding the bend when the sun broke the horizon. Her body slowed, stiffening. She just had time to stop and brace herself in a stable position so she didn’t topple over.
Her last conscious thought was that she hoped Pearl would stay far away.
Pearl sat by the crackling fire, picking the bones of her catch clean as the sun dipped low. She eyed the end of the canyon, waiting for Driz to wake.
The visible joint of the wing finally shifted.
Driz returned to her, and Pearl’s shoulders relaxed when she saw she wasn’t limping anymore.
“I told you to stay away,” Driz said, her fierce features twisting.
“And I told you I’d be quiet.”
Driz looked down at the pile beside Pearl.
“I figured you’d be hungry, so I hunted for you,” Pearl explained, gesturing toward the two decapitated coachwhip snakes and collection of large beetles.
Driz stared between the pile and Pearl, her expression unreadable.
“That alright?” Pearl asked.
Driz pounced on her, grabbing Pearl’s face and kissing her. “Thank you.”
“You hunted for me last night,” Pearl said, caught off guard by Driz’s strong reaction.
“No one has ever hunted for me before,” Driz rumbled, and Pearl’s heart stuttered. “Except for pie.”
Pearl chuckled. “Well, I hope there’s stuff in there you like.”
“It is perfect.”
Driz finally pulled away and scooped up the first snake, biting into it, her sharp teeth slicing through the flesh easily.
Pearl watched unabashedly. The sight would have alarmed her when she first met Driz, but not anymore. Driz ate every scrap of every creature, including the bits of carapace that sloughed off the partially crushed beetles.
Her injuries appeared much better tonight. As she stretched her wings, the tear was almost entirely gone.
“I’ll admit I’m a bit jealous,” Pearl said, gesturing. “I wish humans healed that fast.”
“And I am jealous of everything else you have.”
Pearl tilted her head. “You wish you were human?”
Driz considered. “At times, I have resented being a goyle. And I have always been drawn to humans. Perhaps the humanity in me is more dominant than the stone. But there would be no point in wishing to be something other than I am. I cannot change it.”
Pearl cupped Driz’s cheek. “Many things would be easier if you were human. But then you wouldn’t be Driz. So for what it’s worth, I don’t wish you were.”
Driz’s eyes shone. “It is worth everything.” She drew Pearl closer, leaning down.
Pearl forced her head to the side so the kiss landed on her cheek. Her heart hammered, and her body clenched with need and guilt for turning away. But she had to keep some boundaries between them.
She cleared her throat, her fingers catching at Driz’s torn shirt and focusing on that instead of meeting Driz’s searching gaze.
“I’ve got a sewing kit in my saddlebag. Lemme see what I can do for this.” Pearl shifted away, grabbing her kit and leaning close to the fire to thread the needle. “Take off the shirt.”
Driz obeyed, and Pearl tried very hard not to stare at her torso. Or the wound on her shoulder Pearl had patched with blight.
“When you said you’re cursed…” Pearl swallowed. “What’s that mean, exactly?”
Driz ran her hand over the scar, which stood out brighter than the others, as if outlined in chalk or salt. “I do not actually know.”
“I’ve used blight most my life. I like to see it as a dangerous sort of blessing, not a curse. I’ve been too lucky too many times because of it.”
“But you are human. You were born and are living. Goyles are created creatures, molded by a god. To use their power for ourselves has always been forbidden.”
“But you weren’t created. You were born, and you’re living.”
Driz tilted her head as she frowned. “I have never considered that. But we are still forbidden.”
“D’you feel different?”
Driz took a moment to answer. “I do not know how the curse will manifest.”
Pearl eyed her skeptically. She didn’t believe she had accidentally cursed Driz. She didn’t seem cursed. But Pearl didn’t actually know.
She turned her attention down on the charred and ripped shirt, sewing together what she could, though most of one sleeve was simply missing.
Only three of the buttons on the front remained, so Pearl unpicked one from her own cuff to use as a replacement so Driz could close the shirt. The thread snarled a bit, but it held.
The firelight caught off metal in Driz’s hands as she fiddled with the harmonica she somehow still had from her pocket, flipping it over and over.
“Would you play for me again?” Pearl asked.
Driz’s eyes widened. “You would like that?”
Pearl nodded.
“I only practiced what I already played for you.”
“That’s fine. I liked that one.”
Driz’s shy smile was hidden by the harmonica cradled in her large hands as she brought it up to her mouth.
She had to restart twice, scowling when she hit the wrong third note. She was utterly adorable, and Pearl found herself smiling too.