Chapter 15 Darío
Harlan looks like he’s seconds away from breaking down.
Travis leads Jules and AJ to the other side of the street, and the man with Harlan follows them.
When he kissed Lan’s nose, the primal urge I had to forcibly remove him was as unwelcome as it was unexpected.
I have no rights to him anymore. Thankfully, I had a tray of drinks in my hand, preventing me from doing something stupid, like ripping his stupid fucking hands off Harlan.
Other than a nod in response to my question, Harlan hasn’t said anything since I asked if we could talk.
He’s standing farther away from me than is probably necessary, but I’m not sure I would be able to control myself if he gets too close.
The overwhelming need to pull him into my arms is tugging at me so intensely, it steals my breath.
“I thought you were in London.” Brilliant, Darío, you fucking pinecone.
His lip twitches, and I find myself desperately hoping for a glimpse of his smile. “Yes, well, surprise,” he replies, his voice still shaky. “I’m visiting my…I’m visiting Oliver for a long weekend.” He gestures vaguely toward the four men who are pretending not to watch the spectacle before them.
I want to ask him who Oliver is to him, but it’s none of my business.
Penelope hasn’t mentioned that he’s seeing anyone, but I’m not sure she would even if he were.
“I’m sorry, this is awkward. I can let you get back to whatever you were doing.
” As I go to step away, he reaches out and grabs my wrist. My skin lights at the contact, and I freeze.
God, the familiarity of his long, delicate fingers wrapped around my wrist reminds me of how his hand felt in mine.
Like nothing could ever fit as perfectly as he did with me.
“Please don’t go. Not yet,” he pleads softly. “What happened to your hand?” He gestures at my cast.
“I got nailed with a fastball when we played in Arizona at the beginning of June. It fractured a few bones in my hand, so I’ll be out until at least September.
” I don’t want to talk about my hand, though.
I want to know about him. I need to know about him.
“How have you been?” I take a tentative step toward him, and his eyes widen.
It feels like a lifetime since I’ve been in his orbit, but my body responds to him without my permission.
I can’t help but get pulled in. That’s what Harlan has always done to me.
It’s dangerous, but like the fool I am, I let myself get absorbed.
“I’ve been doing better. Pen didn’t give me a choice, you know?
We’ve been working on a new campaign, and I’ll be traveling for a shoot toward the end of August, so work has been keeping me busy.
” I hang on to every word that leaves his mouth, my attention rapt.
Hearing his voice and having him so physically close to me heals a piece of what broke.
“They’re still working on my work visa.”
This makes me grin. “I’m so proud of you, sweetness.” The nickname, his nickname, slips out. “Sorry…”
He holds a hand up. “Please don’t apologize for that.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever hear it again, and I just now realized how much I’ve missed it.
” His eyes shimmer with more tears. I reach out to wipe them away, but drop my hand to his arm instead.
I know we have an audience across the street, and I don’t want to make things more confusing for either of us.
I’m struggling to form reasonable thoughts with him this close to me.
All I can focus on is him, and the fierce desire to wrap him in my arms and never let him go.
“Are you happy, Harlan?” I ask softly. I’m not sure what I’m hoping for him to say.
Of course I want him to be happy. I want him to have everything.
At one point, I would have been able to give him everything, and not for the first time, I wish I could go back to that week and not get on that plane to LA.
I wish I could have changed whatever I could to stop him from going to that club with Penelope.
Life doesn’t work that way, though. It’s never that easy.
“I’m getting there. My therapist is helping me to forgive myself for fucking everything up. I’m working on it,” he says. “For what it’s worth, I will always regret hurting you. For hurting us. There is no excuse for what I did.” Remorse flickers across his face.
I pull him in for a hug, eliciting a surprised grunt.
I bury my nose in his hair and inhale deeply.
The memories that his shampoo drags to the surface hurt and heal in equal measure.
“I’ve forgiven you, Harlan. I forgave you then.
The fact that we’re both still healing means that we had something worthy of breaking over, right?
” His shoulders shake, and he sobs into my chest. “I am so proud of you. I was serious when I said I’d always be cheering you on, sweetness. ”
Letting him go feels impossible, but as his sobs start to quiet, he goes to pull away.
“I hope Jasper gives you what I wasn’t capable of, Dare.
You loved me so well, and I hope you are loving him the way that only you can.
” He looks into my eyes, and like always, he reads me well.
No one has ever known me the way he does.
“Don’t shut him out because I fucked up.
You deserve to be loved well, too, and I’m sorry I didn’t do that. ”
Before I can respond, Harlan stretches to kiss my cheek, then jogs across the street to the four guys trying to pretend that they didn’t witness whatever this was.
I don’t follow right away, allowing him time to say goodbye to AJ and Jules.
As I stand there, watching him walk away from me for the second time in my life, I realize I’m crying, too.
“I don’t know how to love anyone else the way I love you,” I say to his retreating back.
For as true as that is, I also don’t know how I could have trusted him if I hadn’t ended things when I did.
I may not be any clearer on my feelings for Harlan, but I do know that I need to let Jasper go.
Maybe there’s no future for Harlan and me, but I can’t drag Jasper along when I know without a doubt that I am still in love with Harlan.
I can feel the truth of that in every pore of my body, deep in the darkest parts of my soul.
Harlan may be the reason for my shattered heart, but at the very core of who I am, I fear he’s the only one who can make me whole.
The only question that remains is whether I could ever feel safe with him again.
I don’t have to explain to anyone when I say I’m heading back to the hotel.
I’m not in the mood for loud music or crowds.
AJ and Jules clap me on the back, and Travis pulls me in for a hug that threatens to undo me all over again.
I use the app to get a rideshare, and debate whether I should wait until I’m home to contact Jasper.
Thankfully, there’s a car nearby, so I don’t have to wait long.
My mind is racing as I replay the conversation with Harlan.
Part of me still can’t believe I actually saw him.
The likelihood of us both being in San Francisco the same weekend is so slim that I wonder if I dreamt the whole thing.
My phone buzzes in my hand, and Jasper’s name lights up my screen.
Jasper
Free to video chat?
Well, I guess that makes the choice easy enough.
I suppose easy isn’t the right word. I hate that I’m about to hurt him.
I know that he’s probably expecting this since, to him, it’s been an inevitability.
I reply right away, asking him to give me twenty minutes to get back to the hotel, and I get a thumbs up in return.
After thanking the driver, I head inside, thankful that no one from the team is in the lobby.
Making small talk is high on my list of things I’d rather not do right now.
I nod in acknowledgement at the woman behind the reception desk and make my way to the wall of elevators.
In the privacy of my room, on the top floor of the hotel, I allow myself a moment to breathe before I call Jasper.
Eyeing the king-size bed with the ornate wooden headboard, a vision of Harlan sprawled out springs to mind.
“Jesus Christ, Darío. Get your shit together.” Obviously, that does nothing to stop the image of him in a lace jockstrap and thigh-high stockings.
You know, exactly the type of shit one should be thinking about before they break up with someone else.
I settle on the bed and dial Jasper’s number. His sweet face fills my screen moments later, and I notice he’s in bed, too. “Hi,” he says, and smiles. I take a moment to appreciate how beautiful this man is. How genuine and kind. He’s free with affection and compliments and compassionate to a fault.
“Hey, Jas.” I give him a small smile in return, but it doesn’t meet my eyes. Guilt is eating away at me, my foot tapping nervously against the bed. “How are you?”
“I’m fine, I just got back from dinner. Is everything ok? You look like you’ve been crying.” His voice is uncertain, and the smile that was there is gone. It’s your fault, Darío. You did this to him.
I look past the screen, at the wall above the dresser.
I owe it to him to look him in the eye, but fuck, this is harder than I thought.
“I ran into Harlan tonight,” I tell him before I pause.
“Nothing happened, and I need you to know that. I would never do that to you. I promised you honesty, so I needed to tell you this.”
I’m met with silence, and I watch a range of emotions play out in his eyes before he speaks.
“I know you wouldn’t, Darío, but you’re making me nervous.
It feels like you’re about to break things off with me.
Are you getting back together with him?” His face is neutral, but I can hear the hurt in his voice. I hate myself for causing that.
“No, I’m not getting back together with him.
The circumstances with him are still the same.
I just realized when I was speaking to him that I’m not in the right headspace to be in a relationship, and it’s not fair to you.
I can’t string you along while I’m still healing, and I can’t be all in.
You deserve someone who can be all in,” I say. “I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t even be mad at you. I’m mad at myself for not just ending things.
I said this would happen, you know? Despite everything you said about not letting your past get in the way of us, he was getting in the way all along.
I saw it in the little things, and I just kept waiting, hoping that I would eventually be enough for you.
That’s embarrassing, huh?” He inhales a jagged breath before he continues.
“Do the next guy a favor, and just don’t,” he bites out.
“Jasper, I really am sorry.” I won’t explain to him that I was trying, that I didn’t mean to let Harlan ruin this thing. That I wanted so badly to fall in love with him, because I knew that my heart would be safe with him. The problem is, my heart wasn’t mine to give.
He doesn’t reply right away, instead switching his video off.
I hear him take a deep breath. “I’m sorry, too,” he replies.
“Good luck, Darío.” Jasper ends the call before I can say anything more.
I exhale an unsteady breath, knowing I did the right thing for Jasper and for myself.
He does deserve someone who will love him well—I just can’t be that person for him, no matter how much I try.