Chapter 23 Darío
I wasn’t expecting Harlan to agree to lunch today, so I’m feeling out of sorts as I wait for him at the café down the block from Lust & Lace.
It’s a perfect fall day, so I have Craig with me as we occupy a table on the sidewalk.
I keep checking my phone, even as the time we were supposed to meet comes and goes.
Harlan is never on time for anything—or at least he wasn’t before.
I suppose I don’t know much about his routine these days.
Without realizing it, I’m fidgeting with the napkin in front of me as a waiter approaches the table.
“Hello, I’m Jor…Jordan, and I’ll be your server today.
Would you like to order a dr-drink while you wait for your friend?
” Jordan stutters over his words as he introduces himself, and his bright green eyes meet mine.
This kid can’t be much older than twenty.
I notice him blushing, and I smile warmly.
“I’m sorry, I’m being so uncool. You’re Darío Molina,” he tells me, the awe in his voice evident.
Craig’s ears perk up as he eyes the stranger curiously.
“I am,” I confirm with a laugh. “I’m uncool all the time, Jordan. It’s nice to meet you. I’ll take two glasses of water with lemon, please.” Jordan takes notice of Craig by my feet, and his smile widens.
“Sure thing. I’ll go over the specials when everyone is here,” he says, sounding a bit less intimidated, even as he continues to blush. I thank him, and he rushes back inside.
“Are you still making young twinks nervous, Darío?” Harlan approaches from behind me, and as always, his beauty steals my breath.
“It’s not me, it’s him.” I gesture to Craig under the table. Without any further acknowledgement of me, he’s on his knees, babbling nonsense at the puppy. It’s so endearing that I find myself grinning as he fusses over a very excited Craig.
“Aren’t you the most precious thing! Hi, sweet baby,” he coos, causing Craig to wiggle his butt at warp speed while he tries to climb into Harlan’s lap.
Harlan laughs loudly, and a pang hits me right in the chest. It’s been more than a year since I’ve heard him laugh so freely.
I blink back unexpected tears at how much that realization hurts.
Harlan rises to his feet with a preternatural grace.
Everything about him is extraordinary. The way he moves, the way he talks, the way he looks like he could hit the runway at a moment’s notice, no matter what he’s wearing.
He’s dressed casually in loose pants and a baggy sweater with blue and white stripes that make his eyes shine.
His face is clear of makeup, except for his lashes.
“You look incredible,” I tell him honestly.
I grip the armrests on my chair to stop myself from standing to hug him.
“Thank you,” he says softly. “So, you adopted a dog?” He sits across from me, and Craig whines when he can’t reach Harlan any longer. Traitor. I get it, though. I want to reach out and touch him, too.
“I did. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.
It’s lonely in the house, and I figured since we didn’t make the playoffs, it was as good a time as any.
” If that sounds pathetic, that’s because it is.
“His name is Craig.” The pup in question is tugging incessantly at his leash, still trying to get closer to Harlan.
I give in, allowing some slack so he can get closer.
The moment he does, he plops down between Harlan’s feet and closes his eyes. I’m not jealous at all, obviously.
Before we get further into the conversation, Jordan returns with our waters. He goes over the daily specials, and I order a corned beef Reuben with a side of sweet potato fries. Harlan gets a grilled chicken BLT salad with ranch dressing. “I’ll get those orders right in for you,” Jordan assures us.
“Lan…” I start. I can’t meet his eyes as I take a deep breath and continue.
“The way I behaved a few weeks ago is inexcusable. I am so sorry for putting you in that position.” Even if AJ hadn’t told me what a piece of shit I was, when I sobered up, the reality of what I had done hit me like a ton of bricks.
I could hardly blame Harlan when he didn’t respond to my initial apology.
I probably fucked things up for him with Oliver, and that knowledge is bittersweet.
I never want to hurt Harlan, despite what happened between us.
It’s clear that he’s doing so much better, and I’m guessing his boyfriend played a big part in that.
When he doesn’t respond right away, I look up to see him studying me.
His expression is neutral, so I can’t figure out where his head is at.
I hold my breath until he starts to speak.
“It’s ok. I know that’s not who you are.
I shouldn’t have been in that room. If I had been honest with myself, I probably shouldn’t have gone to the party.
” He stops to sip his water, and I track the way his lips wrap around the straw.
“I wasn’t ready to be in the house again, you know?
I’m not sure I’d ever have been ready for that. ”
It’s a fair concern, because I wasn’t ready to have him in the house.
Those walls are full of memories at every turn.
The holidays and celebrations we shared.
Lazy Sunday mornings in the offseason. Even packing up the pictures of us hasn’t been enough.
On particularly bad days, I considered paying someone to completely renovate the house.
There are small pieces of Harlan woven into every piece of that place.
As hard as it is to ask, I do it anyway.
I owe him this much. “Are things ok with you and Oliver?” The words taste bitter on my tongue, but if I have any hope of building a friendship with Harlan, I need to get past this.
If Oliver makes him happy, and he’s good to him, I will have to be ok with that.
You can do hard things. The words I told Harlan on our last night together come barreling down on me. Harlan is stronger than me, though.
“Things are fine.” His tone is hesitant, but I won’t push. “He’s back in San Francisco now, so the distance makes things a little harder.” I want to ask him if Oliver plans to move here. If I had to guess, Harlan does not plan to leave New York again.
As Jordan is dropping off our food, his phone buzzes on the table. When he flips it over, he visibly inhales before answering. “Hey, Oli.” I thank Jordan for our food and keep my eyes on Harlan. “I’m out to lunch with Darío. He was by the office for an appointment, so we met at Sugar and Spice.”
He listens intently to whatever Oliver is saying, and I wish he had it on speaker so I could hear.
“I’m sorry. Of course I was going to mention it to you, but it was last-minute.
” Taking another breath, he listens as his brows crease, and he frowns.
I want to reach across the table and smooth his worry lines.
“Yeah, of course. I’ll be home later. I miss you too. ” He disconnects.
“Lan, if us having lunch is an issue, I don’t want to get in the way of your relationship,” I say, even though I’m not sure if I can handle not having him in my life now that he’s in Brooklyn.
But I can’t be selfish with him. He’s not mine, and I don’t want to ruin this for him.
We may not be what I had envisioned for us, but I have to be ok with whatever is going to keep him whole.
He made the choice that broke us, but I made the choice to be done and demanded no contact.
I can’t do something that’s going to hurt him.
“No, there’s nothing wrong with us having lunch, Dare. He can’t hold a mistake I made before I knew him against me. I would never have let anything happen with you at the party.” Ouch. I must flinch outwardly, because he winces. “I’m sorry…”
“You have nothing to apologize for, Harlan. You were right to stop me,” I assure him.
We pick at our lunches, but my appetite has disappeared.
“You seem well,” I observe between bites.
He reaches over to my plate to steal some fries.
I wonder if he realizes that I ordered the sweet potato fries because I know they’re his favorite.
The only thing missing is the maple syrup to dip them in.
“I am. I’ve been talking to a therapist, and being back here has helped.
I found my own flat, so I have another move ahead of me, but then I’m done because I’m so sick of packing shit,” he complains.
I smile because I know how much shit Harlan has to pack.
This boy’s wardrobe is truly unbelievable.
Between all of his Lust & Lace pieces and his regular wardrobe, our closets were bursting at the seams. He used the smaller of the two spare rooms as storage for the overflow.
My closet space feels endless with his clothes gone.
“I know I told you this in San Francisco, but I’m so proud of you.
Things haven’t been easy, but you always find a way to shine,” my voice cracks.
“I know I have no business asking this of you, but I was hoping we could be friends, or at least work toward that. I think we’ve both done a lot of healing since last year, and I miss you.
I know we can’t be what we were before, but maybe we can build something new. ”
I struggle to look at him after placing my bleeding, broken heart on the table for him to dissect.
It’s been a year of vicious cycles—missing him, hating him, hating myself, wanting to call him, wanting him to call me—but always, always loving him.
I miss our easy friendship. We may have been in love, but Harlan was very much my best friend.
If he tells me no right now, this has to be it for me.
I’ve tried so hard in so many ways to let him go.
If he walks away from this, it’ll crush that infinitesimal glimmer of hope that ignites whenever we are in the same space.
The silence seems to carry on for endless minutes—maybe even hours—before I risk looking at him.
His eyes are wet with unshed tears, and it hits me, not for the first time, that we have both been on a never-ending rollercoaster of emotions for the last year.
There has been so much pain and hurt, but it finally feels like we can have a new beginning.
“Like, starting fresh?” he asks, his voice so tentative that I hold my breath and nod.
This is what he asked of me before he left.
I wasn’t able to give it to him then, but having him in front of me, I know that I can be that for him now.
“What does that look like for us?” Harlan’s hesitance makes sense, but I don’t know what this new normal would look like for us.
Just over a year ago, I couldn’t imagine a life where he wasn’t mine.
We’re moving into uncharted territory, but I’m ready to do that with him.
“It can look however we want it to look, Lan. It can look like this. Lunch when you’re working. Running in the park with Craig. We make the rules. Whatever feels right,” I tell him. A tear falls down his beautiful cheek. I wish I could wipe it from his face.
“I’ve never wanted anything more,” he whispers hoarsely, and with those five words, some of the hurt from the last year evaporates. He smiles, a warm, beautiful thing that shines light into the cracks of everything we broke.
With the heaviness out of the way, we move on to lighter topics, like how Craig is adjusting to the house, and my healing hand.
He tells me about his newest campaign at work.
The way his smile meets his eyes is more beautiful than anything I can ever remember.
He asks about my family and promises to check in with my sister, who has missed him terribly.
She’ll most assuredly read him the riot act first. Antonella did not take it well when Harlan didn’t contact her.
Jordan brings the bill and a treat for Craig when we’re finished eating, and I hand over my credit card before Harlan can extract his wallet from his pocket.
The pout he tosses in my direction warms my chest. When Jordan returns with the receipt, he shyly asks for a picture, which Harlan is more than happy to take.
All too soon, lunch is over, and we have to say goodbye.
I expect it to feel uncomfortable, but he wraps his arms around me and kisses my cheek before making a fuss over the puppy one more time.
“We’ll talk soon, Dare. Thank you for lunch,” he says before he turns to walk away.
At least this time, I know there’s a promise to see him again, and that brings me a measure of joy I haven’t felt in months.