Chapter 24 Harlan
Lunch with Darío yesterday was entirely unexpected.
It felt familiar and comfortable, as though the last year hadn’t happened.
I expected the apology, but I didn’t expect the offer of friendship.
He was adamant when things ended that he couldn’t speak to me.
I struggled with that for months, but the space between us, both physically and emotionally, was necessary for healing.
I am confident enough in my feelings right now that I can emotionally handle being in the same space as him.
I wish I felt as confident in whatever is going on with Oliver.
Guilt eats at me because he sounded…frustrated?
Sad? I can’t pinpoint it, but I have carried a sense of unease since we hung up.
It doesn’t help that he didn’t call me last night, or that all of my texts have gone unanswered.
I tie my running shoes and pull on a hoodie before stepping into the crisp autumn air.
The sun is just starting to rise, bathing the orange, red, and yellow leaves in golden light, and I inhale deeply, savoring the distinct scent of decaying leaves.
After stretching outside of the building, I start off at a slow jog, the smack of my shoes on the pavement the only noise, save for the birds chirping in the distance.
Immersing myself in my “Will Run for Tacos” playlist, I increase my pace.
An hour later, I’m sweating, but feeling awake and energized for the day ahead.
When I’m a block away from Penny’s building, I slow to a jog, waiting for my heart rate to slow down.
Despite the cold air, my hoodie is soaked.
I tug it over my head after removing my earbuds, leaving me in my neon green “slutty” running shorts, as Pen has so kindly dubbed them.
My arse looks good, though, so whatever.
I notice someone sitting on the steps as I approach, and when I get closer, I realize it’s Oliver.
My pulse spikes at his presence, and I’m prepared to fly into his arms.
His face is pinched, causing me to stop abruptly.
He’s dressed casually in black joggers and a hoodie, with his hands in his jumper pocket.
His whole demeanor is off, so I offer a tentative smile.
“Oli, I didn’t know you were coming to New York.
” He looks me in the eye for the first time, and my concern elevates further.
He’s got dark circles under his eyes, and they’re red-rimmed, like he’s been crying.
“Is everything ok?” I can feel the erratic beat of my heart in my chest.
He finally draws me into a hug, but it feels anything but affectionate.
“Hey, Harlan. I just got in a bit ago. Can we go in to talk?” I nod mutely, leading him into the building, wishing that I was already in my new flat.
Inside, I shift awkwardly, not sure if we should go to my room or stay in the sitting room.
“Let’s go to your room.” My skin is flushed as my nerves fray further.
Inhaling deeply, I lead him to my bedroom, feeling exposed in only my shorts.
Judging by the closed door across the hall, I’m assuming Penelope is still asleep.
I move to one of my suitcases, pulling out a clean T-shirt.
The idea of dressing in clean clothes when I’m covered in sweat is not ideal, but I can’t worry about an extra bit of washing as every worst-case scenario plays out in my head.
“You’re making me nervous,” I tell Oliver, as I start to toy with the hem of my shorts.
I watch him sit on the edge of my bed, and he pats the spot next to him.
Sitting down hesitantly, I brace myself for whatever he has to say.
“I’m sorry, I hate worrying you. I just felt like this is a conversation we should have in person,” he says, taking my hands in his.
Mine are clammy, but he doesn’t mention it.
“Meeting you has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me, Harlan. Even when you were still drowning in hurt and grief, you lit up every room you entered,” Oliver’s voice cracks.
“I told myself that if I just allowed you time, gave you the space you needed, you’d choose me. That I would be enough for you.”
“Oli…” I cut in, but he shushes me gently. I want to tell him that he is enough, but as I weigh the words, I’m not sure that it’s true. Squeezing his hands, I silently encourage him to go on.
“I thought I would be able to handle waiting. I watched the way you and Darío looked at each other that night in San Francisco, but I convinced myself that it was the start of your healing. And in so many ways, it was. You laugh more, you show affection more freely, but you’ve never been wholly in with me.
It’s not your fault, Harlan. I saw all of it play out in front of me, but I was selfish.
” He pauses as tears start to fall down his heartbroken face.
“Oliver,” I try once more. “Dare and I are just friends. And really, not even that. Not yet. I promise you, I’m not trying to pursue anything with him. Not like that,” I insist.
“I know that, baby. My behavior at the party was unfair to you. I can’t do this anymore, though.
It’s not fair to either of us. You are capable of loving someone so completely, but that person isn’t me, and that’s ok.
” He pulls me into his lap, continuing to cry.
I wrap my arms around his neck, savoring the embrace as my own tears fall.
“I will always, always be here for you.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper against his neck, because I am.
This feels like another casualty of my inability to fully let Darío go.
Regardless of what happens with Dare and me, I do know I can’t be what Oliver needs right now.
“I hate that I can’t give you what you need.
You’ve been so patient with me, Oli. I’m so sorry. ”
“Don’t worry about me, Harlan. I’ll be ok. We’ll both be ok.” He shifts to look at me before taking my mouth in a slow kiss. I return it, threading my fingers through his disheveled hair. Kissing Oliver has always felt nice, but it’s never been explosive. We both deserve an explosive type of love.
We sit in silence for a while, sharing space before he pats my thigh. “You need a shower. Are you working today?”
I release a quick laugh, because he’s not wrong. My skin feels sticky and gross now that the sweat has dried. “No, I’m off. When are you heading back to San Francisco?”
“Good, go get showered, and we’ll get breakfast. I'm working from here for a few days, catching up with my friend Adrian before heading back on Sunday morning. I figured I may as well make the cost of the last-minute flight worth it,” he teases.
I start to strip in my room before realizing that it’s probably no longer appropriate to get naked in front of him.
I look at Oliver sheepishly and leave him in my room while I go for a quick shower.
I use the time alone to let the entirety of the situation sink in.
Would I have continued to try if he hadn’t called it off?
I’m not sure. Oliver is safe. He provides stability, support, and levity, all of which helped me in immeasurable ways over the last few months.
It feels so selfish to think of it that way.
Therapy, Penny, my own efforts have all contributed, but I know Oli played a part in my healing.
I return to my room, wrapped only in a towel, and I’m met with a smirk from him. “Not sure if you want to watch me dress,” I joke. “I’m used to being naked in front of people, so…”
“You, my dear Harlan, are a menace,” he laughs, standing to leave. “If I stay, I’d be tempted to take you to bed. I’m not sure that’s the right choice for either of us.” He kisses my cheek softly as he exits.
Over breakfast, our conversation moves easily from one topic to the next.
We avoid discussion of Darío, the future, and whether we’ll hear from each other again.
I ask Oliver if he regrets our time together.
“I will never regret you, sweet boy. You were honest with me all along, even if you didn’t say everything out loud.
I learned a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship, and I believe that you learned the same.
I’ll be a call or text away if you ever need me. ”
With a promise to reach out the next time he’s in New York, and one from me if I find myself in San Francisco, I say goodbye to Oliver.
He embraces me, and I hold on just a moment longer than needed.
I check in with myself as I walk in the direction of Penny’s building and realize that I feel nothing but relief and hope for what the future holds for me.
Being on my own for a while, now that I’m in a healthier place emotionally, is exactly what I need.
Penny isn’t home when I get back to her flat, so I sprawl on her sofa with my phone in hand.
Before I can begin the doomscroll of social media, my phone pings with an email from the building manager of my new flat.
I rush to open the message, hoping there aren’t any issues.
I’m set to move in on the first of November, and I can’t handle a delay.
I love my best friend, and I’m grateful for the place to stay, but I’d like to walk around naked at my leisure.
A quick scan of the message tells me that they have a unit opening up in just over a week, and they’d like to know if I want an earlier move-in date.
I don’t hesitate to fire a quick response, confirming that I am more than happy to sign an earlier lease.
With that out of the way, I notify Shawn of the dates, to ensure I’m not scheduled for anything.
When I’m done with that, I send a group text to Penelope and Wes.
Me
Moving to the new flat on the 15th. Halloween House Warming Party is happening on the 31st. xx
Pen
Oh thank Christ. My apartment is not big enough for the both of us. So excited for you, bestie. Wessy and I will handle everything.
Wes
FFS please stop calling me Wessy. Congratulations, Lan. Can’t wait to see it!
I smile at the exchange, gratitude filling my chest for my friends, who are always there to support and celebrate me. For the first time in a very long time, I feel content with where my life has taken me. It feels good to be home.