Chapter 29 Darío
“What are you buying Harlan for Christmas?” Julian has been asking me this for the last two weeks.
He called me the day after Friendsgiving and told me I need to make it epic.
I still have no idea what constitutes an “epic gift” in Jules’s eyes, but I’m open to suggestions.
We’re on our way to do Christmas shopping and grab a bite to eat with AJ.
It’s become our annual tradition that I flat-out refused to participate in last year.
“I still don’t have a clue, bro. I’m all ears if you have an idea.
I’m not even sure what an appropriate gift is.
He’s not my boyfriend, so I’m at a loss.
” I shrug, hopelessly. Harlan may not be my boyfriend, but we’ve gone running most mornings since Friendsgiving, and we text regularly.
Getting to know him—to know us—as friends, has been a lot easier to navigate than I expected, except for when I almost kissed him on Friendsgiving.
He hasn’t mentioned it, so I’ve let it go.
“He’s basically your boyfriend. Don’t be ridiculous,” AJ chimes in from the back seat, and Julian quickly tacks on his agreement. These two are insufferable together. They’re a package deal, so I’ve learned to manage.
“We’re friends,” I argue. “We’re just getting to know each other again. I don’t know if either of us is ready for a relationship.” That doesn’t feel exactly true, but I’m not ready to work through that with the guys, especially before I even know where Harlan stands on us.
“Cool, so you wouldn’t mind if I asked him out?” I jerk the wheel as I shoot daggers at AJ in the rearview. “I mean, if you’re just friends, no harm.”
“I’ll fucking kill you,” I snarl. I know he’s fucking with me, and maybe my reaction is a bit excessive. Harlan is mine.
“So, he’s your boyfriend. Got it. Bet he’d be upset if you wrapped your truck around a tree, so keep your eyes on the road, killer.” Julian is cackling next to me during the whole interaction, so I flip them both off as I take the exit ramp toward the mall.
“Maybe you should take him on a trip. You both love Cartagena. Take him before spring training starts,” Julian suggests.
“That would be a wonderful idea. If he were my boyfriend. Which he’s not.” Navigating into the parking lot, I almost consider leaving immediately. I didn’t think this many people still shopped in person, but the lots all look full, so fuck me, I guess. “Why don’t we shop online?”
“Tradition!” Jules loves crowds and chaos, so his excitement comes as no surprise. “It’s always easier when you can see things in person. I don’t understand why people do so much shopping online. I like to touch things.”
“Because you’re like a toddler,” AJ laughs.
“It is tradition, though, so let’s get excited.
” After checking multiple lots, I finally find a spot at one of the anchor stores and snag it before someone else does.
Driving in Manhattan is a nightmare, but there’s nothing more nerve-wracking than trying to park at the mall right before Christmas.
Three hours later, we are loading the trunk with dozens of bags.
Several years have been shaved off my life, but my shopping is done.
I used one of those gift-wrap stations, so I don’t even have to worry about that.
That’s great news, since wrapping is truly the bane of my existence.
I ended up buying Harlan several perfumes and a pair of fuzzy slippers.
A perfectly friendly gift. For my friend.
We went a bit overboard in the toy store for the toy drive at the local children’s hospital.
Every year, the team delivers toys to kids who are in the hospital for the holidays.
It’s probably one of my favorite parts of Christmas.
I’ve considered asking Harlan to join us next weekend, since I won’t see him on Christmas Day.
On the drive home, AJ and Julian bicker incessantly about whether white lights or colored lights are superior on a Christmas tree.
AJ is firmly in the white lights camp, and Julian is trying desperately to plead his case to his best friend.
Finally, I’m asked to chime in. “I’m with AJ, but the good news is, you two don’t live together, so you can each decorate your own tree,” I reason.
“That’s not the actual point. The point is colored lights are more festive, and therefore the only correct choice when decorating a Christmas tree,” Julian argues.
“Harlan would disagree with you, and he is a tree decorating pro,” I remind him.
Everything about our tree was always carefully curated—the colors of the ornaments, their placement on the tree, the tree topper.
He’d place it in front of the bay window so that it could be seen from the street at night when it was all lit up.
“Would you tell Harlan that he isn’t festive? ”
“I would never,” Julian gasps. “Harlan is the best decorator on the planet. Speaking of, are you going to invite him to the hospital this year?”
“I think I will,” I offer noncommittally. I refuse to admit that I’ve been considering this for weeks at this point. No need to seem overeager.
Back at the house, the guys help bring all of the bags inside before they head for their vehicles, leaving me in much-needed silence.
I love my friends, and I love our traditions, but I’m all peopled-out after that experience.
Once I’ve stashed my gifts in the living room, I take Craig for a walk.
While he sniffs along the sidewalk, I unlock my phone to send Harlan a text.
Me
Hey you
Harlan
Hey yourself. How did shopping go with AJ and Julian?
Me
It was a shit show haha. So busy, but we’re all done shopping. They argued the whole way home about Christmas lights. It’s a good thing they don’t live together.
Harlan
Haha you’re lucky you’re done. I haven’t even started. Everyone knows white lights are the only correct answer.
Me
Slacker. AJ agrees with you. Hey, Saturday we’re doing the team thing at the children’s hospital. If you’re not busy, would you like to come?
Harlan
I would love to. What time should I be there?
Me
I’ll pick you up at your version of 8 a.m.
Harlan
Ha! I’ll be ready by 9 then. Thank you for inviting me. xx
Saturday morning hits with frigid temperatures and snow in the forecast. Before I leave the house, I make some hot chocolate on the stovetop and put it in travel mugs for Harlan and me.
Nothing will get in the way of us bringing some joy to the kids in the hospital, so I leave a little early to give us more time.
My trunk is loaded with gifts, and I know a lot of the other guys have presents as well.
I pull on my Santa hat and my Sea Scorpions-branded ugly Christmas sweater, refusing to allow the weather to dampen my mood.
For Harlan’s benefit, I even turn the Christmas station on.
When Harlan comes out of his building in a pair of sparkly green leggings, black boots, and a sparkly red sweater, a grin breaks out over my face. He’s also grinning as he climbs into the passenger seat. “You’re going to freeze, Lan!” It’s definitely too cold for him not to be wearing a coat.
“Unless you plan on leaving me outside, I’ll be fine to walk from the car to the building.” He leans over, planting a kiss on my cheek. “You look hot.” He turns the vents toward him and waves his hands in front of them to warm up.
“And you look beautiful, as always. I made you some hot chocolate.” I motion to the cups. “Ready to go play Santa?” I pull out onto the street as the snow starts coming down more steadily.
“Santa’s helper, actually, but yes. I’m very excited!
” He’s bouncing in his seat, which is so endearing that I wish I could watch the unbridled joy on his face instead of the road.
We spend the rest of the drive discussing the gifts we got and his trip to see his parents next week.
As I expected, he tells me that he’s not really looking forward to it.
“I should have told them I couldn’t make it. ”
“I’m sorry you’re not looking forward to it. I know Amelia will be happy to have you there, though. Your mom, too.” I’ve always gotten along well with Harlan’s parents, but his relationship with them works best when they’re not under the same roof.
“At least it’s not a long trip,” he concedes. “I know Mum is always happy to have us home.”
We meet up with the rest of the team at the hospital and carry a huge variety of toys—dolls, action figures, puzzles, blocks, books, and everything in between.
We also splurged on a few handheld consoles for the hospital to have on hand for the older kids.
The care staff and nurses are efficient and get us set up in the lounge on the pediatric floor before the kids descend.
We’re all handed nametags where we write our names and pronouns.
They have a tree set up and Christmas decorations all over the huge room, making it feel far less sterile than the rest of the hospital.
The snow blanketing the city outside the window is a beautiful backdrop to the festivities.
Once the parents and nurses start leading the kids in, it becomes organized chaos.
Upbeat Christmas music is filtering out of a speaker in the corner as the kids line up to pick their presents.
The team, and their families, spread out to talk to the kids, sign autographs, and take pictures.
Harlan stays close by me but remains fully engaged with the children.
“I love your sparkly makeup,” I hear a soft voice tell Harlan. With a break between helping kids, I turn to watch the interaction. “Your nametag says he/him, but you have sparkles. Mom, look at his glitter!” The woman standing a few feet away approaches.
“Everyone can wear glitter as long as their mums are ok with the mess.” Harlan winks and kneels. “What’s your name?”
“My name is Ethan. I’m he/him, too. I just like pretty things,” he almost whispers, like he doesn’t want the other kids to hear. “Sometimes my friends at school make fun of me for wearing nail polish.”
“I’m really sorry that they aren’t very nice about it.
I paint my nails sometimes, too. Sometimes people don’t understand, but people like you and me?
We get to shine, ok? Don’t ever let someone tell you that you can’t shine, Ethan.
Boys can be pretty, too.” The conviction in Harlan’s voice brings tears to my eyes.
It’s such a huge reminder of why I fell in love with him in the first place.
He is a truly miraculous human. And based on Ethan’s mom’s face, she feels the same way.
“Ok,” Ethan says quietly. “Can I pick out a present? Maybe a doll?” He eyes the variety of dolls sitting on the table next to Harlan, excitement shining in his big brown eyes.
“You can pick out whatever doll you want. I can help if you like,” Harlan assures him.
He stands, holding out his hand to Ethan.
I watch with rapt attention as they browse through all of the dolls, discussing which ones they like the best. Harlan was always meant to change the world, and just being his authentic, beautiful self is accomplishing that.
“You’re very lucky.” A feminine voice startles me. I turn to see Ethan’s mom standing next to me, watching as closely as I am. Ethan is squeezing a doll with brown hair against his chest as Harlan leans in and says something too softly to hear.
I don’t tell her that I’m not that lucky, that he’s not mine. I am lucky to share any space with that beautiful boy. “That, I am,” I agree. “He’s incredibly special.” Once they’re finished with their whispered conversation, they come closer to us, and Ethan excitedly shows his mom the toy he chose.
Like a magnet, Harlan finds his way to me, standing close enough for our hands to brush.
I take his in mine, and he offers me the most stunning smile.
His eyes twinkle with warmth as he leans closer and says, “I’m so grateful I was included in this.
It was the best Christmas present I could ever ask for. ”
“I love your heart, Harlan James. The way that you care for others is a gift.” The fierce desire to kiss him steals my breath.
Now is not the time, and this is definitely not the place, but I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted anything more.
Not for the first time, I wonder if I’ll ever cease to be amazed by him.
When Ethan’s nurse comes to get him, Ethan runs back to Harlan to give him a hug.
“Thank you for helping me pick out my present. It’s going to be my favorite doll because she’s pretty just like you,” Ethan says with his arms wrapped tightly around Harlan’s neck. When Harlan looks up, I can see the tears threatening to fall.
Maybe I won't get to spend Christmas with Harlan this year, but I don’t think I could have asked for a better way to celebrate with him.