Chapter 8
It was the second week of August, and Shelby was in her bedroom, packing her things to return to Columbia.
She was weary, as she’d been out till long past midnight at a bonfire party with Jared, but she was expecting a call from one of her professors and trying to stay excitable and smart.
When the call came, Shelby’s voice sounded blurry in her own ears.
But she heard herself agree to a very difficult set of individual coursework over the next few months.
“We want to get you on track for grad school,” her professor said firmly. “We want to make sure that you’re ready. This means working on a more one-on-one basis going forward.”
Shelby’s heart quivered. When she hung up the phone, she lay on her bed and stared at the ceiling, allowing herself to consider her professional future again. Being a professor didn’t seem out of reach.
After she’d finished packing one suitcase, Shelby met up with Jared at their favorite ice cream place not far from the lighthouse.
Jared was preparing to head back to Harvard and was already reading several of the books they would study in the one literature class he was allowed to take to support his business master's.
He asked her opinion on Fitzgerald, then talked at length about what he thought, while Shelby half-heartedly licked her ice cream.
The truth was, she was frightened.
In five days, Shelby was supposed to go back to New York City.
In four days, Jared was headed back to Boston to prepare for another year at Harvard.
After more than two beautiful months together, they were going their separate ways.
But there had been no discussion about what was to happen next.
Shelby assumed they would be long distance, that they’d text and call as much as possible, and that they'd visit one another. She assumed that she would integrate herself into Jared’s world at Harvard.
But now, as Jared continued to talk about Fitzgerald, Shelby realized she wasn’t sure about anything. She interrupted him, which was something she rarely did, to ask, “When will you come to New York to see me?”
Jared ate the rest of his ice cream cone in silence, his eyes darting back and forth.
Shelby thought she was going to have a panic attack.
Why wasn’t he answering her? Oh, goodness.
She should have known. It was over. It had to be over.
He didn’t actually love her the way he said he did.
He’d thought of her as a summer fling. That had to be it.
Instead, Jared said, “I was wondering if you’d consider transferring to Harvard.”
Shelby’s jaw dropped, and then she laughed. You couldn’t just transfer to Harvard. Was he insane?
“Okay. Maybe not Harvard, but another school in the area,” Jared suggested. “The thing is, I love you. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I don’t want to let you go. But Shelby, I don’t know how to do long distance. I don’t even want to consider it.”
Shelby’s heartbeat escalated, and sweat poured from the back of her neck. She worried she would fall to pieces, right here. She bit her tongue to keep from crying, then threw the rest of her ice cream cone into the nearby trashcan.
“We could move in together,” Jared said. “I could help you get into Harvard grad school when it came time for that. I know the right people.”
Finally, Shelby found the will to speak, although her voice was meek. “But what about Columbia?”
“What about it? It’s not Harvard,” Jared said. “What about me?”
Shelby took a staggered breath. “The thing is, a few of my professors arranged a one-on-one curriculum for me this year. They’ve gone out of their way to make my schooling more personalized, all for my future. They have big plans for me. I mean, I have big plans for me.”
As she spoke, Jared’s eyes darkened with anger.
“I’m really excited about it,” Shelby said.
“But it doesn’t mean I’m not excited about us, too.
I love you, Jared. I don’t want to lose you.
But the thing is, what’s the difference between me joining you there now or in two years?
Or you can join me in the city when you graduate!
You’re done in, what, two years? So we’ll graduate at the same time.
We’ll work really hard, then celebrate together, and get married, the way we planned. ”
Jared leaned back in his chair. Shelby’s mouth was tangy from ice cream. She wanted to run into the sea and plunge headfirst. She couldn’t believe what she was asking him to do. She couldn’t believe what he was asking her to do. Were they doomed?
“It’s obvious that we both have some thinking to do,” Jared said. He stood, wiped his palms on his jeans, turned, and walked away from her.
Shelby sat at the table in front of the ice cream parlor, numb with shock.
An hour later, though, she was again on Lily’s bed, panicky and sobbing. Lily had her hand on Shelby’s back, and she was telling Shelby it was going to be all right. But this time, Shelby really didn’t believe her.
“He wants to think,” Shelby said over and over. “He doesn’t want to do long distance. It’s over. I mean, it’s probably over, right?”
“He’s freaking out about losing you,” Lily said tentatively. “He doesn’t want you to go back to New York, so he’s acting like a baby and making big statements. He’ll figure it out.”
But over the next five days, Shelby didn’t hear from Jared once. With each day that passed, Shelby fell deeper into a pit of despair. She was sure that she would never talk to Jared again.
Because Rebecca had to work at the restaurant on the day Shelby left, Lily agreed to drive Shelby back to the city.
She wanted to meet up with old friends and also help a few matchmaking clients, anyway.
With all of Shelby’s belongings in the trunk of Lily’s car, Shelby threw herself into her mother’s arms and whispered, “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m so lost.”
Rebecca clutched Shelby hard and told her what she’d already said numerous times since her breakup with Jared. “He has shown you something about himself. Pay attention to that, even as you grieve your first love, honey. He isn’t good enough for you. You’re meant for amazing things.”
Nothing that anyone said helped Shelby’s grief, though.
Sitting in the front seat of Lily’s car, watching as the island receded in the rearview mirror, Shelby walked Lily through every phase of their relationship and told Lily every single thing that Jared had said at the end.
This was maybe the thousandth time she’d made Lily listen to it, but Lily was a good sister. She was willing to do it again.
“I still think he’s scared of what you have,” Lily said. “He isn’t used to feeling so many emotions at once. It’s too much for him.”
Shelby groaned and put her head in her hands.
“I’m sure he already has a girlfriend lined up at Harvard,” Shelby said. “I’m sure he’s going to marry her and have a ton of babies and be really happy.”
“Please. He does not,” Lily said. “But Shelby, what about you? You’re going back to Columbia! It’s a brilliant school. And you have friends there, and your professors love you and want to help you. Your future is going to be incredible!”
Shelby groaned, because she wasn’t sure how much she believed in her future any longer, not now that Jared wasn’t a part of it. She knew that was pathetic, but it was true, too.
When they reached Columbia, Lily helped Shelby move into the same apartment she’d vacated in May, back before she’d met Jared.
The same roommate was already there, Molly, but she looked different.
Her hair was blue, and she’d broken up with her boyfriend, too, and wanted to go out.
“We’re both twenty-one, now!” Molly cried, because it was true that Shelby had just had a birthday, before the breakup. “We can go out!”
Molly convinced Lily to call a few of her city friends, and they headed to a bar to hang out and update one another about their summers.
Molly’s energy was infectious and wild, and Shelby found herself laughing often, although each time she did, she reminded herself that she needed to be sad. Jared was gone.
Over their third drink of the evening, Lily raised her glass of wine and announced, “I want to make a toast. To Shelby and her freedom from, um, that guy.”
At this, Shelby gaped at her sister. “That guy?”
Lily tried to laugh it off, while Molly and Lily’s friends cackled.
“What do you mean by ‘that guy’?” Shelby pressed.
“I don’t know, Shelby,” Lily said. “I mean, were you really going to marry that guy? He was so, like…” She sipped her wine.
“What was he like?” Molly demanded, leaning over the table.
“Controlling? I guess? And he sort of hated women,” Lily said, wrinkling her nose.
“He did not hate women,” Shelby said.
“He could barely even name a woman writer he liked,” Lily pointed out.
“Oh, Shelby, that’s bad,” Molly said. “Don’t you love Virginia Woolf? What would she say?”
“He isn’t really like that,” Shelby insisted. “He’s read almost all the great writers. Women and men.”
“Okay, but when you were around him, you rarely talked,” Lily said. “You let him do all the talking. It was not great.”
“That isn’t true, either,” Shelby insisted.
“Shelby, it’s okay! We all date bad guys sometimes,” Molly said. “We can both start over fresh. Breakups are healing! I’m excited to get out there and date again. And Lily, I hear you’re the person to help me in that department.”
Lily smiled. “I’d be happy to hook both of you up with someone.
But also, I know how fun it is to meet people in bars in the city.
I know how fun it is to get out there and make a few dating mistakes and learn about yourself along the way, you know?
My engagement taught me more than I knew I needed to know… ”
“But the thing is, I can’t imagine having a better romance than the one I had with Jared,” Shelby insisted, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. She felt like a child.