Chapter 32 | Rae
Rae
I sat on the bed as I heard Caleb walk to the door of the room. He said he would only be gone a couple of minutes, and I believed him, but it didn’t help my fear of the darkness.
My eyes had adjusted some, but it didn’t help that lightning occasionally messed that up. Every noise seemed amplified. I heard Caleb’s footsteps, the creaking of the house with the wind, and every noise seemed louder than normal.
I needed to focus on something else for the time he was gone, so I reached out to touch Duke.
The sweet pup pushed his cold, wet nose against my hand before standing up and coming to where I sat.
I felt him turn and face away from me, and I knew it was because he was watching out for me.
He sensed I was scared and understood that Caleb wanted him to stay with me.
I pet his head and back, feeling a bit calmer.
“Hey, Rae, I got the lanterns and flashlights, but I am trying to look for the extra batteries I thought I had in here. Are you doing okay?”
“I—think so.” Duke nosed my hand before turning around to watch out for me again.
“Okay, Sunshine. I will only be a couple more minutes. I’m so sorry.”
“No. It’s okay.” I tried to be brave or at least sound like I was. I felt so bad that he was doing all of this for me, that I was crippled by the fear. I was so embarrassed.
My thoughts were interrupted when I heard noise coming from the front room, like Caleb was ripping open cardboard packaging. Maybe he found the batteries.
A few moments passed before light illuminated the front room and I saw Caleb holding a little lantern. I breathed a sigh of relief as he picked up the box and walked towards the bedroom.
“Hey, sorry it took so long. I apparently forgot to put the batteries in the box after I bought them.”
He walked over, set the little lantern on the nightstand, and began lighting the candles, filling the room with a soft glow.
It had been a long time since the power had gone out, and while the storm had shifted to just rain, the power had not been restored. Caleb’s and my phones had died about two hours after the power went out and it was kind of nice to be cut off from the world, since I was here and safe with him.
Duke was lying at the foot of the bed, and I sat across from Caleb, surprised at the calm feeling in me. If I had been in this situation without Caleb, it would have felt suffocating. I wouldn’t have been able to come out of the panic attack. However, with him, I felt strong, maybe even brave.
He had brought us snacks from the kitchen since we couldn’t cook dinner. We were having jerky, cashews, and crackers with peanut butter for dinner, and I enjoyed the simplicity of it.
“Want another cracker?” Caleb asked as he held out a sleeve of them.
I laughed at the idea because I was so full. “No, thank you, though.”
He smiled at me, the flames of the candles on the nightstand flickering in his blue eyes. The warm light they gave off caused the red tint in his beard to stand out more. He was so handsome.
He placed the crackers and jar of peanut butter on the nightstand and then shifted closer to me.
Our legs were crisscrossed in front of us, and that was the only thing preventing him from coming closer.
He took my hands in his and looked at me, like really looked at me.
I found myself thankful for the darkness the power outage brought because I knew I was blushing.
I looked down at our hands, feeling nervous and shy but somehow safe at the same time.
“How are you feeling, Sunshine?” His voice was warm and comforting, like when he had pulled me out of my panic attack earlier. That voice, his voice, is what brought me back to reality.
If I was honest, I was embarrassed and ashamed, but I didn’t want to admit it.
He reached up and pushed my hair behind my ear, leaving his hand at my jaw and gently moving it along my skin. “Honey, there is no reason to be embarrassed about having a panic attack.”
My eyes immediately met his and locked in. “How—how did you know exactly what I was thinking?” Did I say what I was thinking and not realize it?
“Because I know my girl.” His thumb traced back and forth along my jaw. That movement, the fact that he did know me so well, and the smile he gave me caused warmth to bloom through me, melting the fear I didn’t realize I was still holding, reminding me what safety was supposed to feel like.
“I scratched you, though, bad enough that you bled, I kicked at you...I let my fear take over. I only snapped out of it because you made me feel safe, even after I hurt you.”
Caleb shook his head and leaned in. “And I would gladly do anything for you if it meant that you felt safe and cared for.”
I wanted to kiss him. I was nervous about what would happen next, but I so badly wanted to kiss him. I leaned forward, and he did the same just as the lantern flickered and went out.
“Dang it. That lantern was one I didn’t think I needed to change the batteries in yet. Just a minute.”
Caleb straightened his legs as he started to get up, but I put my hand on his arm, stopping him.
“Wait.” Nerves and excitement made my pulse race as I scooted closer to him, placing one leg on either side of him, scooting as close as I could.
The light in the room was dimmer than before, with the glow of a few candles.
“Hey,” he said with a smile on his face as he placed one hand on my thigh and the other on my hip. I instantly grew nervous at how intimate this was. I shouldn’t have done this because, what if he is now expecting something and I’m too scared to do it?
I was frozen and couldn’t move to kiss him, and I couldn’t move away. I felt his arms around me, and he pulled me into a hug.
“I love hugging you,” he said in my ear.
I wrapped my arms around him. I loved hugging him, too.
I felt so safe with him, so why could I not move past this and kiss him in a moment like this?
I buried my head in the curve where his neck meets his shoulder, breathing in the warm scent of his soap and the oil he used on his beard, and he wrapped his arms tighter around me.
Several silent minutes passed, with only the sounds of our breathing and his pulse in my ear.
“What’s on your mind?”
He knew me too well. I couldn’t lie to him, even if I wanted to.
“I don’t want to tell you because I’m afraid it will disappoint you.”
“Disappoint me? Rae, I think that would be impossible for you to do. Look at me.” I lifted my head so I could look at him, and he moved one of his hands to my cheek. “Tell me, please?”
I took a deep breath. “After you said you would do anything for me...and then when you started to get up because the lantern battery died, I saw how sweet you were being because you didn’t want me to be scared. I asked you to wait because I really wanted to kiss you, but then...”
He rubbed my cheek with his thumb, like he understood.
“But then I sat like this and it felt so...intimate. I got nervous because, what if you expected more and I got your hopes up?”
Caleb shook his head, his thumb tracing slow circles along my cheek.
“Rae,” he said softly, “you never have to worry about disappointing me. You don’t owe me anything—not a kiss, not a single thing you’re not ready for.
” He leaned in a little closer, his voice steady.
“I don’t want more, I just want you—whatever that means.
You being here, letting me hold you—that’s enough for me. Always will be.”
His words sank into me, quiet and sure, and something inside me eased. The tension in my chest that I hadn’t even realized I was holding started to fade with every slow brush of his thumb against my skin.
He didn’t look at me like I was fragile. He looked at me like I was his—not in a way that claimed me, but in a way that promised I was safe here. Safe with him.
My throat tightened. Caleb saw the real me.
Before I could stop myself, I leaned in just a little closer.
Our lips met with a lingering kiss that felt like a promise.
My fingers curled into his shirt, and I pulled him with me as I lay against the pillows.
We continued to kiss slowly until I couldn’t keep from smiling.
Caleb smiled back at me before pulling me close, so I rested against his chest. I realized how tired I felt as I lay in his arms.
He started to pull the covers up when he stopped and started to sit up. “I almost forgot, we have to change the batteries in the big lantern and blow out the candles.”
“Caleb, wait. Did you change the batteries in the little lantern on my nightstand?”
“Yes, but that’s a rechargeable one, and thankfully I had recharged the battery and not had to use it yet. I don’t know how long it will last.”
“Just blow out the candles. Don’t get out of bed. Please.” I looked at him, realizing what I was asking for, but knowing I would be safe with him.
He looked at me, searching for any hesitation I may have, but he wasn’t going to find any.
I turned and blew out the candles on my nightstand before turning back to him. He kissed my forehead before turning to blow out the candles on his side.
Darkness surrounded us, but Caleb pulled me close. “You still okay? You can change your mind at any point.”
While I didn’t like the darkness, I didn’t need the light with him. “Better than okay,” I murmured while burying my face in his chest.
For the first time in a long time, I didn’t need the light to feel safe—and I fell asleep with that truth wrapped around me.