37
Aaliyah and I stay quiet the whole walk back to her house. Neither of us says a word. She’s probably embarrassed. When we reach her door, I stop and look at her.
“You should ask God for forgiveness and I will too,” I say.
“I have to talk to you, King,” she replies.
Oh no
“Sure, go ahead,” I say quietly as we reach her mother’s house.
The air is cool and there doesn’t seem to be anybody near the door. As a matter of fact, the inside of the house sounds generally quiet. Aaliyah looks back at the house and then at me.
“My mom and sister are probably watching TV. We can speak privately,” she says as she holds her right palm out in a gesture for me to sit on the rocking bench on the house porch.
Taking the seat to her left, I rest my right arm along the back as she settles beside me, waiting to hear what she’ll say.
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting love.” She smiles, hopeful. “I asked God who the man for me would be. And…” Taking a deep breath she turns to me fully. “And he kept showing me you.”
Being caught off guard doesn’t even begin to explain how I feel right now because that’s the last thing I expected her to say.
“Sister Aaliyah I… um… heh. I’m flattered but—” I start to say. “I… you’re a wonderful woman. You would make—I mean you—” I stutter, suddenly finding it increasingly difficult to find the words I want to say. She smiles over at me, waiting for an excuse.
“Like I said before, we’re wonderful as friends and—”
“Brother King,” she cuts in politely.
“Yes?”
“I know what you said and when I was talking about it hypothetically, I really was asking because I believe yes we do work wonderfully as friends, but I think we would still be able to be friends and work well together as a pair. As a couple.”
My heart. This is uncomfortable.
Swallowing hard, I lean back on the bench a little more, pressing my back into the unyielding wood as though it might open up and swallow me whole.
“Sister Aaliyah…”
“Tell me, Brother King. Do you have feelings for me?”
Oh man. Why do I feel so exposed right now? This is something I would’ve rather kept between God and me, but who am I fooling? Sister Aaliyah is a very intelligent woman and she must’ve caught on.
“I… I feel something for you. Yes.”
She smiles. “I feel something for you too. I have for a long time.”
My heart flutters just a little. Not as much as I thought it would in this situation. Of course I like Sister Aaliyah. But why do I want to get away from her right now?
“I understand devotion to the kingdom and God’s work but I think that we should revisit this with God,” she says.
“Revisit?”
“Yes.”
“There’s nothing to revisit, Sister Aaliyah. With all due respect I… I can’t,” I admit, feeling defeated.
Before, I thought that there was someone better for her and I do mean that there is.
But now… I’m not really even sure how I feel.
I know I’m attracted to her and I still admire her as a person, but that gnawing inside of me, that wishful thinking, my mind being on her often has since faded away.
Almost as if it was a past fancy that I no longer take seriously.
Maybe it’s because I know I don’t deserve her.
Maybe it’s because I know she’s out of my reach.
Or honestly… maybe it’s because this is a little bit too real for me. She wasn’t supposed to say this out loud.
We were supposed to flirt at most and have a friendship where we talk about God and I was supposed to sit here and say ‘she’s a nice girl, wouldn’t that be nice if we had a white picket fence and a family and everything?’ knowing I would never get it.
Knowing I don’t deserve it.
Now I don’t even want it.
“Brother King…” she murmurs softly.
“I do like you a lot. And we’ve known each other for years.
Granted we haven’t talked to each other the way that we talk now because…
well quite frankly I was too shy.” She gives me a beaming expression, chuckling a little at her own nervousness that we both feel.
“But… God has been showing me recently that if I have faith… that I should move in that faith. Walk in that faith.”
She reaches for my right hand, which rests idly on my lap, and gently takes it in both of hers. Her eyes shine with happiness and quiet hope.
For the longest while… whenever I want something I tend not to move in that faith because… I’m scared. I was scared when I saw you because… I thought… wow Brother King is so pretty. Or… maybe I didn’t deserve Brother King.”
A laugh escapes me because of how ridiculous that thought is. “I thought the same about you.”
“See?” she giggles. “We’re on the same wavelength already.”
My giggle fades away, leaving just a faint smile lingering on my lips as I glance out toward a distant point in the darkness beyond the front porch, then turn my head back to my right to look at her.
Her thumb brushes slowly across the back of my hand, sending a warm rush surging from my midsection all the way down to my toes. That gentle caress suddenly reminds me, with startling clarity, that I’m a man and she’s a woman.
A woman who wants me.
A woman I’ve wanted for a long time, even though I’ve tried hard, again and again, not to let myself think of her that way.
This woman I’ve had sexual dreams about.
Things I wasn’t supposed to think about.
Not just because it’s offensive to God but also to her to think about her in that manner.
She just felt too pure for that. For me to dream about undressing her and doing things to her that she probably wouldn’t let me do unless we were married.
I felt like I was betraying her trust even though those dreams weren’t my fault.
Of course I’ve had wet dreams about other women too. Women in church. Women that I would meet at the laundromat or at work.
Or one of those construction jobs that I took with Angelo where we went to this upper-class woman’s house and her two very pretty blonde daughters were home walking around in their bikinis staring at me and smiling as they dove into the pool and came out soaking wet so I could see through all of their bikini wear.
Professionalism was the only thing I tried to maintain in that moment.
Angelo was having a difficult time too. He had told me “Man I’m trying my best not to look because I don’t need to go to jail. ”
The youngest sister was 18 and the older one was 22. Ordinarily in a secular setting there would be nothing wrong with flirting with those women. And yes I did look at them once.
Or twice.
Maybe three times.
But the entire time that job was difficult because I had to be prayed up. And after a while keeping my eyes on God it became easy once I recognized that it was the devil trying to distract me from my relationship with the Almighty Father.
But at home alone… even though I prayed and tried to keep the scriptures in my heart and in my soul I still went to bed and dreamed, my mind betraying all the work that I put in to try and keep my soul pure.
I went back to that house and I was alone and those two women sat me down on their dad’s recliner and had their way with me, each of them.
It was very annoying. I hate being a man sometimes. I hate that these thoughts are so hard to tamp down. Every day is a battle with my mind. It’s become easier over the years… even when I saw Sister Aaliyah for the first time.
Four years ago on the 18th of January was my first service at Lightbearer Ministries.
March 21st of that year I got baptized. And Sunday the next day I was officially a member of the church. I had a community I truly belonged to.
And it was the first Sunday in April of that same year that I saw Sister Aaliyah sing for the first time.
I hadn’t even noticed her much before that point.
There were many beautiful women at Lightbearer Ministries as it is a very large church, but when her voice reached my ears…
my heart opened up and engorged to a capacity I didn’t even think possible.
At first I was transfixed by her voice.
Then I would make my way closer to the front rows of the church mainly because I didn’t want any distractions. People tend to talk a lot the farther they are away from the stage or the pastor’s eyes.
Or rather the children fussing would be very distracting for me and it was important for me not to be distracted, to drink up everything that I could.
Sitting closer to the front meant that I got to see Sister Aaliyah more, got to study her, caught her eyes and when I did she would give me a smile and then shyly look away. Often I would do the same.
Admiring her from afar became one of the bonuses on Sunday.
And on the 3rd of May that year, right after Sunday service, that’s the first time Sister Aaliyah had a conversation with me outside of our usual greetings and hugs.
I had been admiring her for a while and I felt her body pressed up against me when she hugged me, smelled her hair which was in a big poof.
I got to see her up close for a long while as we talked for about half an hour.
Her voice was soft and elegant and my heart was beating the whole time as if it wanted to burst out of my chest and take flight.
Her lips were beautiful and soft and her pretty brown eyes were more apparent in the sun. Her dress, even though it was very modest and didn’t hug her very tightly, still managed to outline her very tender shape.
I’m ashamed of the thought of what I did when I went home. Understand that I hadn’t had the touch of a woman for a long time and hugging Sister Aaliyah was the first time that I had actually been that close with someone that I was this physically attracted to.
So that Sunday when I went home I was so unimaginably horny. I jerked off to the thoughts of sleeping with Sister Aaliyah. Doing everything I’ve always wanted to do, everything I was trying not to think about, I just let it loose. After every orgasm I would keep stroking and come again and again.