37 #2
Then I wanted the feeling to last longer and so after only an hour of doing that, I went back to it but I would edge myself. And after a while the thoughts of her weren’t enough and they were driving me crazy, so I watched porn.
Because it had also been years at that point since I had.
The shame burns me even now because that Sunday evening for 7 hours straight I was jerking off, edging myself, watching clip after clip of erotic videos of women of all shapes and sizes doing things that I imagined them doing to me or me doing to them.
Seven hours.
No bathroom break.
No eating.
No drinking.
That was the last time I jerked off. At all.
It felt glorious, I’m not going to lie about that. How could it not?
But it also unraveled almost everything that I had fought so hard for when it came to my relationship with my Lord and Savior.
Throughout those 7 hours I came three times, mostly because I went over accidentally when I tried to edge myself and didn’t stop in time. That made the game reset. After that final orgasm when I finally allowed myself to come, it was so powerful, so earth-shattering, I let myself moan out loud.
The memory is still so vivid: I was sitting on the floor, back propped against the side of my bed, with my laptop between my spread legs. I’d laid out two towels underneath me so I could finish freely without worrying about the mess.
How horrible I was…
Just sitting there with my ejaculate all around me on those towels, some of it never making it on them.
Just a slave to my own pleasure. It was that night that I rededicated myself to the Lord and decided never again.
That’s not the person that I want to be. I thought it was better than going out there and sleeping with a woman but it really wasn’t. It was just as shameful because I was giving glory and power and attention to something that didn’t deserve it; those women, those sites, and myself.
After everything God did for me it was so selfish on my part. I’m so glad I’m not that person anymore.
Aaliyah’s pretty brown face softens as we sit together on the dark porch, the rocking bench moving slightly beneath us.
“… but now… I’ve learned that if I don’t put my actions to my belief then nothing will ever happen. That’s why I wanted to talk to you; to tell you about my feelings. I’m not afraid anymore. I mean… maybe a little bit.”
A soft puff of air escapes her, and I let out a small one too. We share that nervous little laugh with each other for a moment.
What words can I even say to her? “Sister Aaliyah… I can’t.”
“Are you afraid?”
“No I just… I mean I used to be but… I just. I can’t . There’re better men for you than me out there,” I try to convince her.
She gives me a knowing look. “You are the best I found. Brother King I know what God showed me—”
“Yes I understand that but God didn’t show me ,” I tell her, a little firmer than I intended, gently slipping my hand out of her grasp.
I expect her to get up, slap me, or just leave me sitting here on her mom’s porch, but she doesn’t. She just gives me grace.
“Look… King… I know and I understand about your vow to God but sometimes God has a way of—”
“Wait,” I cut her off. What is she talking about? How does she know about my vow?
“What do you mean?” I ask, wanting her to clarify.
“Your vow of celibacy?” she questions.
Because nobody knows about that except for a few select people.
“I—I’m sorry. Am I assuming?” she asks me.
“How did you know about that?”
She looks caught off guard by my question, then slowly closes her eyes as if realizing she messed up.
“Well… Sister Erica told me. I’m so sorry, I didn’t know it was a secret that… I didn’t mean… Was that not true?” she barely gets out, trying to save the moment.
But there’s no saving it. I feel slighted. My eyes narrow into slits. “ Why would she tell you that?”
My voice comes out a little too edged.
“She was trying to help us and said that you’re shy so you would never say anything and then she told me about your vow,” Sister Aaliyah’s words tumble out.
Why would Erica say that to her?
There’s a rush of blood pumping through my whole body right now at the thought of Erica and confronting her.
I made a promise to God to forgo all earthly desires. That was my vow. “Sister Aaliyah, you’re nice, but I can’t go into a relationship. That’s my vow.”
“That’s so admirable of you and I respect that, but wouldn’t God send someone that matches your spirit?” she asks with a soft expression, the one I had come to fall in love with so many years ago.
“No,” I answer simply.
“Why did you make that promise?” she asks curiously.
Guess I’m not answering fast enough because she continues before I can say anything. “Maybe we can revisit it.”
This conversation needs to end. “With all due respect, that’s between me and God,” I tell her.
“Is it because you’re afraid of having a family?”
“No,” I answer, my nerves tired.
There is a brief stretch of silence between us.
A cool breeze sweeps across the porch, carrying a biting chill with it. I worry this conversation is about to ruin our friendship.
Sister Aaliyah finally speaks, her voice gentle. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to overstep.”
I want to respond, but the words won’t come. I blink slowly, letting the sadness show plainly on my face.
She smiles faintly. “If your answer is no… then I’ll respect that… but… I’m not going to wait forever. So…”
She takes a deep breath.
“I’ll ask you again, and… if you say that this is definitely your answer, I’ll respect it.”
She looks up at me, holding my gaze for a minute, shaking a little. I think I am too. This is clearly hard for her. She’s so brave. But I really wish she wouldn’t be.
“King? Will you… will you give us a chance? I’m not saying that…
we have to commit to anything or… just to see where it goes, you know?
I care about you, and I know you care about me.
God loves you so much, and I believe that He would want to reward you and me.
I believe we’d be good together, and we would…
help to keep each other accountable and bolster our faith.
We would be a powerhouse of, not just a good couple, but friends who can walk the journey of our faith together. Will you give us a chance?”