2. Shante #2
I walked around my kitchen and opened the refrigerator, I didn't want shit, so I closed it. I went and opened a cabinet ain’t want shit outta there either. I was just trying not to swing on his ass.
“You through?” Deuce asked.
I turned around so fast.
“The fuck you mean am I through?”
“You come over here talking about carrying babies for side bitches like we discussing what the hell we eating for dinner. You got me all the way fucked up.” I yelled.
He ain’t flinch and didn't even blink. “I know it’s a lot.”
“A lot?” I pointed at him. “Nigga, a lot is forgetting to pay DTE. A lot is getting your car repo’d. You asking me to carry your mistress baby while lying to my best friend. That ain’t ‘a lot.’ Nigga that’s some Jerry Springer, Zeus Network shit.”
His lips twitched. “Shante…”
“Nah, you don’t get to say my name all calm and shit. You the one out here collecting women like Pokémon cards.”
That time he actually laughed, I cut my eyes at him. “Oh, so this shit funny?”
“It ain’t.” He smirked.
“Then wipe that little smirk off your damn face.”
He cleared his throat. “I’m serious.”
“I know you serious, that’s what’s scaring me.” I threw both hands up. “Boy I know one damn thing, if Alisha ever find out I hope you know CPR. ’Cause that girl gone stop breathing.”
He rubbed his beard. “She not gone find out.”
I let out a dry laugh. “Oh, now you psychic? ‘Cause last time I checked, secrets got a funny way of coming outside especially in Detroit. You know folks in this city can’t keep shit to themselves.”
He didn’t argue ‘cause wasn’t nothing he could say. I walked back over toward him. “Now, answer me this, when you came up with this dumb ass plan at what point did your brain say, ‘Yeah, let me go ask my sister to carry my side chick baby.’”
He folded his arms. “I ain’t have nobody else.”
“You had Jesus. You should’ve started there.”
“I need you.” He pleaded.
“There you go with that damn sentence. You keep throwing that shit around like it’s gone make me forget how crazy this is. Well, it didn’t, it just pissed me off even more.”
He let me talk. “You know what’s really crazy? My dumb ass probably gone do it.”
The words slipped out before I could catch ’em. I hated that he heard that. Deuce pushed off the counter.
“Thank you, sis.” He smiled relieved.
I smacked my lips. “Nigga get the hell on with that thank you shit, I didn’t say yes.”
“I know.”
“And that’s exactly why I can’t stand your ass right now.”
Because the truth was if anybody else had came to me with this bullshit I would have told ’em to get the fuck out my house.
But this wasn’t just anybody and loyalty will have your ass making decisions common sense would’ve cussed you out for.
Soon as them words came out of my mouth, I wanted to snatch ’em back. “My dumb ass probably gone do it.”
Lord, why the hell I say that? Deuce ain’t jump up celebrating. He already knew I was fighting myself.
“You ain’t gotta answer today,” he said. I cut my eyes at him. “Boy, stop playing with me.”
People think loyalty cute until it start costing you something then all of a sudden that shit heavy.
“You know what’s gone happen if I do this?” I asked.
He nodded once. “No.”
I pointed toward the front door. “I gotta smile in Alisha’s face and let that girl hug and call me sis knowing I’m carrying her husband's baby for his side bitch.” My voice cracked. “How the hell I’m supposed to live with that?”
He rubbed the back of his neck. “You won’t be carrying my baby. You’ll be carrying Kim’s.”
I looked at him like he had bumped his damn head. “Nigga did you really think that made it better?”
He let out a breath. “I just meant?—”
“I know what the hell you meant.” I cut him off. “And it still sound crazy.”
I walked over to the window outside; kids were riding bikes. Some lady was walking her dog. The mailman was doing his route. Regular life, meanwhile, mine had just got flipped upside down in my own damn kitchen.
“What about Malik?” I asked, still looking out the window.
“He's been talking about babies, he's gone think the baby his.” The words damn near knocked the wind out of me. I pressed my lips together. “I gotta let that man love a baby that ain’t even his.”
Deuce didn’t say a word.
“And Alisha…” I closed my eyes. “That girl been riding with you since before all this money. She love your hard-headed ass for real. You asking me to betray the only friend I got that’s never switched up on me.”
My chest got tight. “I ain’t built for no shit like this.”
“You stronger than you think.”
I turned around so fast. “Don’t.”
He frowned.
“Don’t gas me up to make yourself feel better. I ain’t Wonder Woman, I’m your damn sister. And right now, I wish I wasn’t.”
The second them words left my mouth, his whole face changed. I ain’t never wanted to take some words back so fast. I sighed and dropped down in one of the kitchen chairs. I’m sorry I ain’t mean that.” We sat there not saying nothing for a minute then I shook my head. “You owe me.”
His eyebrow lifted. “For life.”
The moment it came out I knew my life wasn’t mine no more. “…Aight.” That one word kept replaying in my head like I had really agreed to this shit. I really chose my brother over my own damn peace.
“Shante Carter?” The nurse called my name interrupting my thoughts, but for a second, I couldn’t even move. It felt like my body was telling me to get the hell up outta there. Run, leave and don’t look back.
Instead, I stood up. My legs felt weak walking behind that lady. Every step made my stomach twist a little tighter and the hallway felt long as hell.
“This’ll be your room,” she said, opening the door.
She handed me one of those little gowns.
“You can change and I’ll be back in a few minutes.
” Soon as that door closed, I just stood there looking around.
Looking at that exam table and at that damn gown.
Then I looked at myself in the mirror. “What the fuck is you doing?” The words came out before I even realized I said ’em.
My eyes started burning. “Nah…” I shook my head.
“This ain’t right.” I slid down the wall until I was sitting on the floor.
“God…” I whispered. “Please give me a reason not to do this.”
Silence, that's all I got was just silence. A knock at the door made me hurry up and wipe my face. “Come in.”
Deuce walked in soon as he looked at me, he knew I had been crying.
“I can’t do this.” That came out before he could even open his mouth. “I can’t.”
He closed the door. “You can.”
“No, the fuck I can’t!” I stood up so fast the chair almost tipped over. “You got me fucked up if you think I’m about to smile in Alisha face after this.” My breathing started getting faster. “I gotta lie to Malik, I gotta lie to her. I gotta lie to my damn self. This ain’t me, Deuce.”
He stepped toward me and I backed up. “I swear to God don’t touch me. You said Kim can’t carry, so your only solution was to put this shit on me? You think because we blood, I’m just supposed to sacrifice my whole damn life?”
“I ain’t asking you to sacrifice it.”
“The fuck you ain’t!” I yelled. “My relationship gone be built on a lie. My friendship gone be built on a lie.” I pressed both hands against my face trying to stop crying. “I don’t wanna be this person.” My voice barely came out. “I don’t wanna hurt her.”
Deuce didn’t say nothing. For once he ain’t have a speech. He ain’t have an answer, he just stood there. Because deep down his ass knew I was right. Before either one of us said another word, somebody knocked on the door.
“Ms. Carter?” I hurried up and wiped my face. The nurse cracked the door open.
“We’re ready.”
Ready hell of a word to use when somebody's life was about to change. She stood there waiting on me, but my feet wouldn’t move. I kept looking at that hallway like if I stared at it long enough, another door would magically appear, one that led me straight up out this damn building.
“Take your time,” the nurse said softly. I nodded, but my body still wouldn’t cooperate.
Everything in me was screaming don’t do this. I squeezed my eyes shut. When I opened ’em again, Deuce was standing there. I walked over until I was right in front of him. “If this ever come out…” My voice shook. “…she gone hate me.”
My chest felt so damn tight I thought I was finna pass out. “I just…” I stopped talking ‘cause what else was left to say? Everything that needed to be said had already been said, the damage was already done.
My hands were shaking so bad . “I hate this.” Them words came out so low I barely heard ’em myself.
I walked toward the door. Every step felt wrong like God was giving me one last chance to turn around.
I didn’t and by the time I crossed that doorway I stopped being the Shante everybody thought they knew and I hated myself for it.
The room was cold as hell, it made everything feel even more uncomfortable.
Everything about that room reminded me I wasn’t supposed to be there.
I sat on the edge of the table staring at the floor while the nurse moved around getting everything together.
She was talking and explaining stuff. I heard her just wasn’t listening.
What was there to listen to? None of them papers they had me sign said nothing about how to live with the guilt afterward. They ain’t have no pamphlet for betraying your best friend. No instructions on how to look your man in his face knowing the baby growing inside you belonged to somebody else.
I wished it was that easy. Sign your name and do the procedure and go home.
Life don’t work like that though. Every lie got another lie attached to it and I was already in too deep.
The nurse asked me something and I answered.
I don’t even remember what she asked. My mind was somewhere else. I kept thinking about Alisha.