10. Nik
Nik
I’m lying in bed scrolling on my phone when something smacks my window, startling me. I jump off the bed, rush across the room, and pull the curtains back to find deep brown eyes.
Sliding open the window, I ask, “What the hell are you doing here?”
“I didn’t know if your mom would be cool with me coming over,” Shane says, climbing in.
“And what if I’m not cool with it?”
I am.
“You are,” he says, standing and looking around the very purple, very frilly room. “Huh, it’s girlier than I thought it’d be.”
My mom decorated the room as a surprise for me when we moved in here a few years ago. It’s sickening, but she was proud of herself, so I didn’t fight her on it.
“Fuck off.” I swat him. “Why are you here?”
“Well, you’ve been ignoring my calls. I figured you can’t ignore me if I just show up.”
I actually have been ignoring his calls. I feel a little weird now that he knows about my… situation. Honestly, I don’t know why I even told him in the first place.
As the hours passed after he dropped me off, I started to feel too raw—exposed. So, I decided I wasn’t going to talk to him anymore. I kind of figured he probably wouldn’t care anyway.
Surely, he’d decided I was too much and was planning to avoid me too.
“That’s where you’re wrong.” I flop down on my bed. “I can absolutely still ignore you.”
“You can try.” He climbs on top of me, pinning me between his knees and staring down with his face mere inches from mine.
“Oh my god! Get off of me!” I screech as cedar wraps around me, taking over my ability to think straight. That’s what happens every time he gets too close—butterflies erupt in my chest and all thoughts escape my brain.
“No. Tell me why you’re avoiding me.”
“I’m not!”
A devastating smile creeps over his face as he stares down at me with those mesmerizing midnight eyes. “You are, and I’m not moving until you tell me why.”
He’s so fucking annoying. I’ve spent most of my life blending in, staying out of people’s way, and hoping they leave me alone.
Shane never lets me get away with anything. If I’m upset, he can tell no matter how hard I try to mask it, and I have this weird habit of just blurting shit out even without him asking.
“I just didn’t feel like seeing you.”
“Why not?”
“Because, okay? Just drop it.”
“No. Tell me what’s wrong,” he demands.
I close my eyes and try to melt into the mattress, wishing I could just disappear.
But when I open them again, I have not melted away, and he’s still staring down at me.
Rolling my eyes I scoff and shove him off me. “I just feel weird now that you know all my business!”
At first, he doesn’t say anything, and my cheeks heat.
He shakes his head. “Why?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. It’s embarrassing. You probably think I’m nuts now!”
“Nothing you tell me could ever change what I think about you,” he says with a straight face. Then, that smile that makes my chest feel funny reappears on his face. “Also, I thought you were nuts long before you told me any of that shit.”
I laugh and shove him over. “Fuck right off!”
And just like that, I don’t feel weird anymore.
Shane makes me feel like I’m not alone anymore, and I had no idea how much I needed that. Like I’ve been sitting in the dark my whole life, and he just came in and turned the lights on.
Apart, we’re broken, but together we have all of the right pieces.
But he’s also Ash’s brother and probably doesn’t feel the same way about me. I’m sure to him we’re just friends, and that’s fine. I’d rather have him as a friend than not at all, but fuck if I don’t want to see him naked.
Is that a weird thing to think? I don’t know.
He’s just so beautiful, and I want him in all the ways, not just as friends.
We spend the rest of the afternoon just hanging out in my room and talking. Eventually, he sits on the end of my bed and watches as I doodle in my sketchbook.
“How’s your arm?” he asks.
Heat creeps up my neck, and my eyes dart to the raised pink line on my wrist. “It’s better.”
And because I’m feeling like he knows too many of my skeletons already, I say, “Why don’t we talk about your bullshit for a change.”
He laughs. “Sure, what do you want to talk about?” Sliding off the end of my bed, he settles beside me on the floor.
I can’t bring my eyes to his. “What’s the deal with your mom?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why didn’t you live with her?”
He shrugs. “She kicked me out.”
“Why?”
“Because I was a pain in the ass. I guess she thought my dad could straighten me out.”
We never talk about his problems. The whole town knows what happened with his dad, so I don’t need him to tell me, but I also want to be someone he can tell anything to.
“I’m sorry about what happened with him,” I say softly.
“It’s fine. I’m over it.”
Glancing up from the sketchpad, I smile. “Well, if you’re ever not over it, you can tell me.”
He rolls his lips under, and a crease forms between his brows like he’s thinking about something.
His mouth twists to the side before he says, “He introduced me to coke.”
That stops me in my tracks. My mouth pops open, and I put the sketchbook down. Not knowing what else to say, I settle on, “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine. I just wish I knew how to live without it now, you know?” He looks so sad, and it makes my chest hurt.
I shift onto my knees and grab his hand. “You’ll figure it out. I know you will. Maybe not today, but someday.”
His eyes soften. The hard shell cracks just a little, and the smallest bit of pain seeps out, and I feel like I’m being crushed by it.
“Nikki! I’m home,” my mom shouts, causing me to jump back.
“Shit. You have to go.” I panic, gesturing him to the window. He scrambles to his feet and just starts to crack it when my door opens.
“Hey, how was—” She cuts off when she sees Shane standing in the middle of my room. “Um, hello. Who’s this?”
“Uh… hi, Mom. This is my friend, Shane.”
“Nice to see you again, ma’am,” Shane says, stepping forward and reaching out his hand.
She takes it but eyes him skeptically. “Nikki, can I talk to you for a second?”
“I have to get going anyway. I’ll talk to you later, Nik.” He turns toward the window.
I grab his shirt, yanking him back. “You can go out the front.”
He nods.
Once Shane’s gone, my mom turns her attention to me.
“What exactly is going on?” she asks, placing her hands on her hips.
“Nothing. What do you mean?”
“Why did you have a boy in your room?”
“He’s just a friend, and I’m almost nineteen for God’s sake. I think I can have a boy over without being persecuted.”
“Yeah, but that boy?”
I rear back. “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”
“I just don’t want you to throw your life away.”
“Like you did?” I quirk a brow. “Thanks, that makes me feel great.”
“Nikki, you know that’s not what I meant. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Well, he’s actually really nice, and we’re just friends.”
She purses her lips and sighs. “Well, if you’re going to have him sneaking in and out, the least you can do is invite him for dinner sometime, so I can get to know him.”
I grin and nod.
For the next few weeks, he comes over every Sunday for dinner, and just like I knew she would, my mom warms up to him in no time. She tries to act tough, but she’s a total softy.
I’ve been sitting on the porch waiting for him to pick me up for an hour when I check my phone for the tenth time.
Fuck this. I jump up and jog to my car.
Shane might have his own demons, but he’s never just not shown up. Something’s definitely not right. My thumb taps the steering wheel the whole way to the shop.
My pace picks up as I jog across the parking lot. The shops been closed for a couple of hours, but I watched him put the code in the front door last time we were here, so I march right in and up the stairs to his apartment.
He answers the door, breathing hard like he’s been running laps. “What are you doing here?”
“You never called. Where were you?”
He fidgets, stepping aside to let me in. “I had shit to do. Sorry.”
He bounces on the balls of his feet, and his glassy stare moves to something behind me.
“Shane. Hey.” I snap in front of his face to get his attention. “Are you fucked up?”
“What? No.” He shakes his head, but it’s more than obvious. Then he starts laughing. In all the time I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him this… giddy. It’s unsettling.
When I grab his face, his skin’s on fire. “What the fuck?” I shove him toward the couch. “Okay, just sit down, alright?”
“I’m fine, really. I’m totally fine. Great actually. Don’t freak out,” he rambles.
“What happened?”
“Nothing? Why?” He looks at me with innocent confusion, like he really has no idea why I’d think there was something going on, just completely oblivious to the fact that I can tell he’s high.
“Shane, you’re obviously not fine.” I sit next to him. “Tell me what’s going on.”
When I put my hand on his knee, he flinches like I startled him. “Hey,” I say, softly. “What happened?”
He looks at me, and it’s like he’s finally realized I’m here. His expression falls, but he doesn’t say anything.
“Shane,” I say, turning his face to look at me.
“Hmm?”
“What happened?”
“I fucked up.” His words come out strained, and he digs his fingers into his thighs. “I fucked everything up again.”
I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I say, “It’s okay. You didn’t fuck anything up.”
He runs his hands through his hair, tugging on it, hard. When he lets go, he starts laughing again.
“You’re fine,” I repeat, grabbing his hands, and holding them in my lap.
His huge pupils dart around the room like an animal looking for an escape, and I start to feel a little nervous.
“I feel like I can’t breathe. Fuck! I’m gonna flip the fuck out.”
“Hey, look at me.” I grab his face, looking directly into his eyes. “You’re fine. Everything’s going to be okay. I’m here.”
He nods, but his brows pinch.
“Hey, just keep looking at me, and everything will be okay.” I take a deep breath, and he mimics it.
“I’m so sorry, Nikki. I’m so fucking sorry.” His voice turns from pleading to frantic when he says, “You should go.”
“What?”
“No. You really shouldn’t be here.” He stands, pulling me up with him.