10. Nik #2
“Shane—What the hell?”
With a grip around my upper arm, he moves us toward the door.
“Stop!” I pull away from him. “What are you doing?”
“I’m fucking it up.” He tugs at his hair again before slamming his fist into the side of his head. “I can’t do this.”
“Shane!” I grab his wrist before he can do it again. “Stop!”
“You need to go!” He brushes me off and takes a step away, holding his hands up defensively. “Seriously, I’m fucking it all up, and I really just need you to get out!” His voice grows louder with each word, causing me to stop dead in my tracks.
I stare up at him, realizing there’s no way I’m getting through to him tonight. He’s not here, not really. My heart breaks for him, and I wish I knew the right thing to do. But it’s clear that I’m not helping matters by being here right now.
So, I nod and start to leave. Just before my hand reaches the door, I spin, wrap my arms around his neck, and pull him into me.
The world has been so cruel to him, and he’s done nothing to deserve it. Everyone looks down on him because of his problems or because he’s kind of an asshole, but that’s only because they don’t really know him. If they did, they’d see how much good there is.
His breaths are fast, and I can feel his heart thunder against my chest, but after a beat, he relaxes a little and wraps his arms around me.
We stay just like that for longer than we probably should, and I breathe him in.
I don’t want to let go. Part of me feels a gnawing desperation to cling to him, because I think if I let him out of my hold, I may not get him back.
Finally, I force my arms to release him and take a step back.
“Please be careful.”
He nods, dropping his eyes to the ground.
With a heavy heart, I open the door and leave. I make it all of two steps, but I can’t go any farther. I can’t just leave him like this. But I can’t stay either.
With a groan, I move to the top of the stairs and flop down. I’ll just stay here for now in case he needs someone. I just don’t want him to be all alone.
I’m not sure how long I’m sitting here before Gabe rounds the corner and stops at the bottom when he sees me.
I’m not sure if Shane deliberately has me come over when he’s not here, but he’s never home when I’m over. Maybe he doesn’t want anyone to know we’re friends.
“Hey…” He looks at me, confused. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Shane’s um…” Shaking my head, my brows pinch. Unsure what the hell I should say, I jump up and start down the stairs. “I should really be going.”
I try to walk around him, but he doesn’t move. Instead, he just stares at me.
“Shit.” He rubs a hand over his face. “Look, I don’t know what all he’s told you, but maybe it would be best if you don’t hang out with him.”
It looks like it hurts him to say.
“It’s fine. We’re just friends. I know him.”
“Okay, but please be careful. He’s going to self-destruct. I just don’t want you to get caught in the blowback.”
“I know what I’m doing,” I say, pushing past him to leave.
I know who he really is, and I’ve already made my choice. If Shane needs me, I’ll be there every single time. I can’t get through to him tonight, but I will eventually.
I have to resist the urge to call to check on him when I finally get home, and I don’t sleep much. My brain just won’t shut off.
I’m entirely too close to breaking down and calling him when he finally crawls through my window the next afternoon.
He stops with one leg in and one out and swallows. “Hey.”
“Hey,” I say, sitting down on my bed.
He keeps his eyes trained on the ground as he climbs the rest of the way into my room and closes the window. “Nik—"
“It’s okay.”
“No. It’s not. I shouldn’t have put you in that position.”
When I move toward him, he takes a step back.
“You didn’t put me in any position. I came over myself.”
“I appreciate what you did last night, but I can’t drag you into this shit. I’m sorry.”
“Shane,” I mutter, dropping my hands to my sides. “You’re not dragging me into anything. You’re my friend. I care about what happens to you.”
“I’ll only let you down,” he says in a sharp, cool tone.
“Okay.” I pause before adding, “But you didn’t last night. I’m not sure what’s going on with you, but you didn’t let me down.”
“I will eventually. I’ll keep screwing up. It’s what I do.” His voice cracks as he says it, but he has a mask of calm indifference steadily in place.
“That’s okay. Everyone else can be disappointed and tell you to get your shit together.
I’m sure you have plenty of people doing that.
” I lace my fingers in his, looking up into his deep brown eyes.
“I’ll just be here. When you need someone to talk to or someone to take your mind off things, I’ll be here. ”
Maybe it’s wrong, but I don’t think he needs anyone else telling him how much of a disappointment he is. I don’t think he needs to feel like a failure any more than he already does. He just needs someone to give a shit about him, and I can do that.
I’m already doing that.
He looks like he’s seeing me for the first time. His eyes lock on mine, and his jaw clenches.
“You don’t deserve this mess.”
“Yeah, and you haven’t deserved anything that’s happened to you. I don’t care about your flaws. I only care that you’re here, and that you continue to be here. If you show up, I’ll take you however you are.” I wrap my arms around him, and whisper, “We’re in this together.”
He doesn’t move for several long seconds while we stand there breathing and holding on to one another, and I’ve never felt so grounded with his heart thundering against my ear.
“My mom called,” he murmurs into my hair.
“What?” I pull back to look up at him.
“That’s why I got high last night.” His chin trembles, and he licks his lips. “My mom called.”
“I’m sorry.”
He looks back at the floor before speaking again. “I can’t make you any promises. I’ll never keep them.” He lifts his eyes to me and points at his chest. “That’s who I am. You won’t be able to count on me.”
“Yes, I can. I might not be able to count on your addiction, but I can count on you. And I know the difference between the two.”