19. Nik
Nik
“Gabriel!” Ash squeals as Gabe wrestles her around in the water.
He seems younger when he’s with her. He’s playful, and they seem really happy.
“I hate to say it, but I think he might be really good for her.”
Shane shoots me a look. “I’ve done what you asked and quit being pissy. Do not expect me to talk about it.”
“Okay, sorry.” I laugh, wrapping my legs around him in the water with my arms hooked on his neck.
He pulls away from me. “I’m going back to the tent for a minute. I’ll be back.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“No, that’s okay. I just need a minute.”
I knew before he said that. His hands have been shaking all evening, and his already short fuse has been nonexistent. I just wish he felt like he could talk to me about it.
“Where’s he going?” Katie asks, coming up beside me as I watch him wade through the water and back toward the tents.
“He doesn’t really like swimming. He’s just going back to camp.”
She pins me with a look that says, you’re full of shit. “I know what he’s doing, Nik.”
I turn to her ready to explode.
“I’m not judging.” She throws her hands up. “I know Shane’s got issues. For both of your sake, I hope he gets it figured out. I know we aren’t friends, but if you need to talk, I’ll listen.”
I don’t meet her eyes as I say, “I’m fine.”
I’m not about to tell all my problems to some girl I barely know and don’t particularly even like that much. She knows about him in the same way the rest of the town thinks they do, which means not at all.
When she realizes I’m not going to budge, she returns to JT.
Ash swims over to me and wraps her arms around my neck. “I’m so glad you guys came!”
I force a smile, tearing my eyes away from where I just watched him climb into our tent. “Me too.”
After about twenty minutes of putting on my everything’s fine and my boyfriend definitely didn’t sneak off to do drugs face, I decide it’s probably safe to check on him. I’m getting really good at putting on that mask.
I dry off before climbing into our tent where I find him lying on top of our sleeping bags staring straight up.
He’s been off for days, and I know what that means.
Shane cycles. He’s clean for a while, and he’ll try so hard.
But then something will happen, and he’ll slide back into it.
It always starts with pills. He’ll have a few nights of not being able to sleep, and he’ll get his hands on oxys or benzos.
He’ll do just that, and only at night, for a week or so.
Then he’ll start taking them during the day.
Then, he’ll crash and think he needs the coke to get himself through. It’s a double-edged sword.
There are three distinctly different Shane’s.
There’s clean Shane, who struggles so much, but is kind and caring.
That one’s mine. There’s Shane on pills, who’s distant and eerily calm.
Then there’s Cocaine Shane. He’s the worst of them.
He’s irritable and irrational. I can’t talk to him.
I can only sit back and wait until he settles.
He looks over at me, his pupils almost nonexistent. I’ve come to know that as one of the telltale signs that I’m dealing with Oxy Shane.
“Hey, you okay?”
“Oh, hey.” He snaps out of his daze to look at me. “Yeah, I’m good.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, what’s up?”
“When did you start back up again?”
I meant it when I’d said that I’ll love him no matter what, but I can’t quite pinpoint the moment he fell off the wagon again. I wonder if I could recognize his triggers if I could help him avoid them.
“What?”
“You’re high,” I whisper. “When did you start doing that again?”
He scoffs, scowling at me. “I’m not high.”
“Yes, you are, Shane. I’m not criticizing, but I can tell.”
He rolls his eyes.
“I just want to know when it started again. Or better yet why?”
He looks away from me and sits up before running a hand down his face and groaning.
“You know I’m not here to tell you what to do, so don’t lie to me. I’m the only person you don’t have to lie to.”
He takes a deep breath and nods. Just when I think he’s not going to answer, he says, “The night my sister got in a fight with Gabe.”
“Why?”
“Because I was pissed. I couldn’t calm the fuck down, and I needed something to take the edge off. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but it’s the only thing that helps.”
I grab his hand. “I understand.”
“No, you don’t.” He rips it away. “You don’t fucking get it. Everyone keeps acting like I can just stop and get better. Like this is just a fucking phase. It’s not. This is who I am. I’m not going to magically wake up tomorrow and not want to get high.”
“I know.”
He scoffs, looking away from me.
“If you know then why the fuck are you here?”
“Because I want to be. I don’t care if you’re clean or not. Either way I want to be here. I just want to help you if I can.”
“Well, you can’t, okay?”
I see the very moment he changes from irritated to sorrowful. Like a switch flips and he can finally see everything clearly again.
Leaning forward, I wrap my arms around him.
He exhales, closing his eyes before hugging me back and resting his cheek on the top of my head.
“Why are you so good to me even when I keep fucking up?” he asks.
“Because I love you. I love you on your good days, but I also love you when you fuck up. There’s not a day that I don’t fucking love you.”
“Nik, I’m so sorry.” He sighs. “I really wanted to do this for you.”
“Do what?”
“Be normal. Just go on a trip with my girlfriend without constantly thinking about getting high.”
“It’s okay. You’re still here with me. That’s all I care about.”
I climb into his lap, burying my face in his neck.
“All I want is for you to be with me,” I whisper into him.
“I’ll always be with you.”
I can feel him nod against me, and we stay like that, soaking in the moment like a reset for several long minutes. His shaking hands have stopped, and the almost tangible tension that’s been rolling off him all day finally dissipates.
When we step back out of the tent, he seems a little more at ease.
By the time the sun sets, everyone’s had a little too much to drink. Well, except Shane. I don’t think he’s had more than one or two beers.
“I’m gonna marry your sister!” Gabe shouts, stumbling over and falling down in the chair next to us.
“Do you have a death wish, motherfucker?” JT asks from where he sits on the other side.
“No. I just want him to know.”
“Shut up, Gabe.”
“That’d make us brothers.”
“Yeah, no thanks.” Shane grumbles. “I’ll pass on that one.”
“Oh, come on. You love me. Plus, then the girls would be sisters.”
“Actually, dumbass, they’ll be sisters if Shane marries Nik. It doesn’t matter what you do,” JT says, throwing an empty can at said dumbass.
“Well, I’m not getting married, so don’t worry about who will be whose sister,” Shane mumbles.
I know it shouldn’t bother me, but my heart drops into my stomach.
I force my face to keep smiling even though it feels wrong.
Emotion bubbles up, and I want to cry which is so weird because I never cry.
I try to swallow the feelings down, but they get stuck.
Rolling my lips under, I try again. Then, a hand brushes my leg.
I turn my attention to the person attached to it.
Katie winks at me as if to say you’re okay.
I stand and walk toward the trees.
“Where are you going?” Shane asks.
“I just have to pee.”
“You can’t go out there alone. It’s dark.” He stands to follow me.
I start to say I’m fine but I’m cut off when Katie says, “I’ll go with her.”
I don’t even know why I’m upset. It’s not like he said he wouldn’t marry me. He just said he’s not getting married. But it feels like a rejection, nonetheless.
“Hey, you okay?” Katie asks.
When she sees the tears welling in my eyes in the moonlight, she throws her arms around me. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why he’d say that with you sitting right there.”
“It’s fine.” I shrug. “It’s not like we’ve talked about it.”
“Even more of a reason for him to not say it. That’s a real fucking asshole move.”
“It’s Shane. He’s an asshole.”
“Yeah. He can be, but he’s not usually an asshole to you, is he?”
She hit the nail on the head. He’s usually more considerate of my feelings, but also, I’m not usually so damn sensitive.
“For the record, they’re all assholes. Every fucking one of them.”
I laugh. And just like that, the mask slips back into place, and I’m able to pull myself together.
“God, what’s wrong with me. I’m bawling in the woods like a baby.”
She huffs. “Okay, let’s get back before he realizes you’re upset.”
When we clear the trees, Shane’s already moving toward me.
As Katie passes him, she mutters under her breath, “You’re an asshole.”
“Hey,” he says, grabbing my face and pulling me to him.
“What the fuck? I was just peeing, you clingy bastard. I was gone for like five minutes.”
He grins and tilts my head up so he can kiss me. “I’m sorry I said that. I wasn’t thinking.”
“It’s fine. I don’t care about shit like that,” I lie.
“Okay, well, in case you do care, here it is. I didn’t mean I wouldn’t want to marry you. I’d marry you in a heartbeat if I thought I’d be able to keep my shit together long enough to make you happy. I just meant I’d never let you go down with me.”
“Shane, I’d be happy even if you never kept your shit together. The only time I’m happy is when I’m with you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. Can we just go back? I’m not the kind of girl to get in her feelings over stupid shit like that. Come on.”
Nodding, he takes my hand.
“JT jumped your ass, huh?” I ask as we walk back to camp.
Shane groans. “He’s so fucking annoying.”
Ash’s wrapped around Gabe, and his tongue is down her throat. I’m sure Shane wants to say something, but he just grits his teeth and makes a beeline for his lawn chair.
“You better have apologized,” Katie says, sitting on JT’s lap.
He kisses her shoulder, and she shivers.
“I did,” Shane grumbles, sitting and popping open a beer that JT hands him.
When we eventually call it a night and climb into our tents, I slip into Shane’s sleeping bag instead of mine.
“Jesus, you have your own sleeping bag.”
I giggle. “I know, but it’s warmer under yours.”
“Yeah, but I’m gonna fucking suffocate.”
“Oh, don’t be such a baby. You’ll live. I told you this would be fun.”
“Has it been fun?”
“Yes! I’m having a great time.”
“Well, I’m glad. But if I recall correctly, the fun involved tent sex. Didn’t it?”
“Well, we have all night.” I grin, sliding my hand into his waistband.