23. Shane
Shane
For the last couple of weeks, I’ve stayed as far away from Gabe as possible.
I go to work and come home, not hanging around the clubhouse for anything other than my shift and mandatory club shit.
Jon hasn’t said much to me, but I know he’s pissed.
I’m probably lucky he sees me as his son or he’d have thrown me out already.
I’m struggling to reconcile everything that’s happened. I feel like my entire life has been ripped away from me. Gabe and his parents have been the only family I’ve known for the last six years, and I’m a little lost without them.
Not knowing where else to go, I find myself at Gran’s.
She opens the door and looks at me with sad eyes.
“I know you’re mad at me, but can I come in?”
“You can always come in, honey,” she says, pulling me into her.
“I’m so sorry.”
“I know. I know.” She runs her hand down my hair, then pushes me to the porch and says, “Come on.”
After lighting a cigarette, she hands the lighter to me as I sit next to her on the swing.
“Let’er rip. What’s going on in that head of yours?”
“I really fucked things up this time.”
She exhales but doesn’t speak.
“It’s my fault. I should have never let Ash near that fucking club.”
“Oh, honey. I need you to hear me when I say this.” She grabs my face, making me look at her.
“You didn’t do this. Ashton made her choice to get involved with that boy.
You didn’t make her fall for him, and you didn’t make him break her heart.
She wasn’t at that club because of you.” She shakes her head.
“It is not a failure on your part every time she gets hurt. She is an adult, and her well-being is her responsibility now.”
Tears start to pool in my eyes. I don’t know how to let go of that. I don’t know how to release the guilt I feel for not keeping her safe. That’s all I’ve ever done. The only decent thing I’ve ever done.
“It shouldn’t have been your job in the first place.”
I don’t say anything for a beat, staring out at the yard and trying to hold back the emotion bubbling up in my throat. When I speak again, it comes out small. “I lost my best friend.”
Her lips press into a tight line. “I know he hurt her. I don’t know why or what happened, but that’s going to be better for her in the long run.
Now, she’ll be able to go live her life without all of this.
I don’t know how she feels about it, but I really doubt she’d want you to lose the only family you’ve ever had over her breakup.
I don’t think you have to choose between them. That’s between them.”
“What kind of brother stays friends with someone when they crush their sister like that though?”
“I think it’s more complicated than that. Gabe isn’t just someone. He is your family, and your sister knows that.”
Gran fixes lunch and we eat in silence while I let her words marinate in my brain. I get what she was saying, but I just don’t see a way where I can forgive him and we can go back to the way we were before.
When I finally get home, Nik’s sitting on the couch.
“Let’s go see Ash.”
“No thanks,” I grumble.
“Come on. She’s having such a hard time. She’d probably love to see her two favorite people.”
“No. Not happening.”
“Shane, we are going. She needs us. If you love her, or me for that matter, you will come with me.”
I don’t want to. Like really fucking don’t want to, but Nik is a master at talking me into shit, so I cave.
My knees bounce, and my hands shake the whole way to my mother’s.
I can’t stand the woman, and anytime I’m around her all I can think about is getting high.
I just don’t want to live in reality when she’s around.
But I’ve been trying so hard to stay clean after I lost an entire week of my life, so I’m doing this sober.
Jess answers the door, thank God.
“Oh my god, Shane!” She leaps from the doorway to throw her arms around my neck.
“Okay, get off me,” I mutter.
We were all pretty close before I left, but Jess never needed me to be her older brother. She’s capable of taking care of herself. Also, her parents look out for her, so I don’t need to.
She moves, letting us in the house. It’s quiet.
“Where’s mom?”
Jess shrugs. “They went on some trip. They won’t be back until tomorrow.”
Today really is my lucky day.
“Is Ash here?”
“Yeah, she’s still locked in her bedroom. Maybe you can convince her the sky isn’t falling.”
“I’ll let you talk to her first,” Nik says.
Nodding, I make my way down the hall to Ash’s room and knock before cracking the door and peeking my head in.
“Hey, shithead.”
She shoots up from her bed, turning to look at me. “Shane!”
When her eyes meet mine, they bulge, and she practically throws herself at me.
“I heard the sky is falling.”
She rolls her eyes as I set her back on the ground. “Everyone’s being so dramatic. I just need time.”
“It’s been weeks. Isn’t that more than enough time?”
She glares at me, and we both sit back onto her bed. Her gaze drops to her hands, and she bites the inside of her cheek. Something’s wrong and for some reason, I don’t think it’s just because she was dumped.
“What’s up?”
She sighs, tears pooling in her eyes when she finally looks up at me.
“Hey, you can talk to me.”
Nodding, she swallows and runs her hands down her sweatpants. “I know. I’m trying.”
My brows pinch. “Trying?”
“To tell you.” She looks away wiping a tear.
Tell me what? Dread coats my stomach.
“Ash—”
“I’m pregnant.” She presses her fingers to her lips as if she wishes she could take it back.
It takes a minute for the words to totally sink in. When they do, everything around me goes still. I just stare at her gray eyes filling with tears and wish she’d take them back too.
“No.” I shake my head.
She just nods, blinking slowly and looking away.
“Have you told him?”
She shakes her head.
“You have to tell—"
She cuts me off saying, “He won’t answer my calls, I’ve tried.”
“Oh, he’ll answer the fucking phone. When I’m done with him, he will answer the goddamn phone.” I shout the last part, standing from the edge of her bed.
She grabs my arm and pulls me back down to sit. “No, Shane, you can’t tell him.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve decided not to.”
“You can’t do that. Ash, he did this. He needs to be here for you.”
“I don’t want him to be here for me.”
“Well, he needs to be. You don’t get to just not fucking tell him. I know you’re mad, and he’s being a dick, but this is his kid we’re talking about.”
“Yeah, I know.” She places a hand on her chest. “But it’s my kid, too.
That club is a nightmare! Akers is dead!
Dead! I’m never going back to that place, and neither is my child.
” Her hand drifts to her stomach, and my heart sinks.
“You have to keep your mouth shut. If you give a shit about me at all, you will do this. You’ll help me protect this baby because if you tell him and we go back to that town, it very well may get one of us hurt. This is the right thing for us.”
Fuck.
I start to say I don’t think he’d let her get hurt but stop myself. He already did. We all did. We were all right there, and there was nothing we could do to stop it.
I turn away and exhale. This is wrong. I know it is. Gabe’s going to have a fucking kid, and I’m going to be expected to lie to him. I don’t like it—
Scratch that, I fucking hate it.
But I can’t argue with what she just said. Thinking about the moment when I thought she was going to die, I can’t imagine letting her get anywhere near the club again.
“Alright. I still don’t think it’s right to not tell him, but if that’s what you want.”
“It is.”
I nod.
“Also,” she says, grabbing my arm. “I want you to know, it’s okay for you to still love him. I’m hurting right now, but Gabe is your best friend, and he’s been good to you all of these years. Please don’t let me ruin that.”
“Ash, you didn’t do this. He did.”
“I mean he broke up with me, but I knew he was your friend when I started dating him. If I hadn’t done that, he’d still be your friend. That’s on me. Please, just don’t cut him out of your life because of me.”
I stare at her. When did my baby sister become this grown up?
I nod and squeeze her knee. “You know I’m always on your side though.”
She grins. “Yeah. I know. But I don’t need you to choose on this one.”
Once Nik talks to her, we eventually coax Ash out of her room to play Sorry at the kitchen table.
“Are you guys staying or going back home tonight?” Jess asks.
“We’re going home. I have to work tomorrow,” I say.
“I’m so glad you guys came.” Ash grabs Nik’s arm. “Thank you.”
The door opens and the sound of the wicked fucking witch fills the room.
Ash’s eyes widen, and she practically gasps when she says, “Mom! I thought you weren’t coming home until tomorrow?”
“We got an earlier flight. Your mom felt bad leaving you after everything,” Denny says.
“What are you doing here? Didn’t your grandmother tell you to keep your distance?” my mother says, voice full of venom. She puts her expensive purse down and struts over in her stupid tall heels.
I bet she wore that ridiculous-ass outfit on the plane.
“Mom—” Ash starts.
“No, your brother is part of the reason we’re in this mess.” Her mouth turns up like she’s disgusted to even be in my presence.
“Mom—” Ash tries again.
“Ashton, enough.” She snaps her fingers, not taking her eyes off me. “He made his bed.”
My jaw clenches, and I stand from the table, not bothering to look at my mother and mutter, “It’s fine. We need to get going anyway.”
Leaning down, I hug my sister and then storm for the door.
“Yeah, you do,” my mother bites. “Don’t come back here, Shane.”
As I pass her, I mumble, “Don’t worry, I won’t.”
Nik stands to follow me.
Just as I reach the door, my mother turns back to Ash. “Your brother is a lost cause.”
“Shut the fuck up, Brenda,” Nik snaps.
The room goes silent, and I spin to look at her.
Her hands fist at her sides. “You did this. You’re such a shitty mom to him.
You always have been. You’ve let him down in every possible way.
All you ever had to do was give a shit, but you just couldn’t do that.
Now, you want to criticize the man he’s become?
You don’t even know him. His problems are your doing.
And I’m sorry, but his issues are not the only thing about him.
He’s the best fucking man I’ve ever known, and it’s your loss not having him in your life. ”
As she finishes, I grab her elbow.
“Get out,” my mother demands.
“Gladly.” Nik storms to the door before turning back to add, “Oh yeah, and you’re a fucking bitch.”
Then, she stomps out the front door and off the porch. God, I fucking love this woman. We walk to the car in silence before the door opens again, and we both stop to look back.
“Hey, wait.” Jess races off the porch toward us.
“Jess, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have exploded like that—” Nik starts.
“Oh, no. She’s had it coming for a long time. I’m so glad someone finally said it. I just wanted to say goodbye and tell you that I’m really glad you came.” She flicks her eyes over Nik’s shoulder to me. “Both of you.”
Then, she wraps her arms around her, and I climb into the truck.
Neither of us say a word the entire drive home.
Like Brenda has a right to say a fucking thing about me.
Except she’s not wrong. I’m the reason we’re all in this mess. She’s just the only one who sees me for the worthless piece of shit I am. She’s the only one who doesn’t care about my feelings enough to speak the truth.
When we pull up at the apartment, Nik undoes her seatbelt and turns to face me. “Shane, I’m so sorry. I—”
I cut her off when my lips slam into hers, kissing her hard. She leans into it, letting me take whatever I need.
When I pull back, I say, “I’m so fucking in love with you.”
She just stares at me.
“No one has ever done anything like that for me. I don’t deserve you, but God, I’m so fucking glad I have you.”
Tears prick my eyes, and she places her hands on my face.
“I love you, too, and I meant every fucking word of it.”
For weeks the pressure of what happened to my sister, my crumbling friendship with Gabe, and the shit with my mom has me teetering on the edge. When Jon informs us during our meeting that he made a deal with Tony, my last strand of sanity slips.
“You have to be fucking kidding me!” I bark, following Jon into his office.
“Shane—” he warns.
“No! How can you possibly agree to shit with him after what he did! He killed one of our guys!”
“I know!” he shouts, slamming a hand down on his desk before lifting his face to the ceiling and letting out a long breath.
“You think this is what I want? I don’t.
I’d like to put a bullet in his skull, but I don’t want a goddamn war on my hands.
Him taking out one of our prospects is not the same as killing their president.
I hate it, but if we don’t come to some sort of understanding, Akers will only be the first.”
I shake my head and scoff. “He shot my sister. My sister! And we’re just gonna let it slide.” Running a hand down my face, I point a finger and add, “If I see him, I’m gonna kill him.”
He steps out from behind his desk to stand over me. “I’ve been so patient with you, but if you think for one second, I won’t take your patch, you’re mistaken. This is the last time we’re gonna talk about this.” His jaw ticks, and I huff out a breath before storming out of his office.