26. Shane
Shane
Today we bury the only decent father I’ve ever known.
I’ve spent the majority of the week at Gabe’s once I got my head straight. Colette was a mess the first day, but she very quickly pulled herself together. I’m sure she’s struggling, but she’s pretty good at hiding it.
“You okay?” I ask, smacking his back as I walk up beside him in front of the church.
He has a lit cigarette hanging from his mouth. I pull my pack out of my pocket and light one too. After taking a drag, he plucks it out and drops his hand to his side, running his tongue across his top teeth.
He’s not talking much. He hasn’t been okay since the shooting, but after losing his dad I think a part of him has turned to stone.
“Nope,” he says through gritted teeth.
I nod.
“I’m not ready for all of this.”
Gabe was told yesterday that he’s supposed to take over the club. We’ve known that obviously, but none of us expected it to happen so soon, and I’m not sure he’s happy about it. Not to mention, most of the older members are pretty hesitant about Gabe taking over at such a young age.
Aside from Phil and Dean, that is.
“I know, man. I’m sorry. We’ll figure it all out.”
“Yeah. I’ve been staying with Mom.” He rubs his eyes with his thumb and index finger. “Listening to her cry all night might actually fucking kill me.”
“That’s rough. Is she inside already?”
“Yeah, she got here super early. I don’t know. I don’t want to be here any fucking longer than I have to. I’m just ready for today to be over.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean.”
He puts his cigarette out and heads inside.
It’s not until the service is just about to begin that I sneak in and find a seat in the back.
Colette and Jon’s family sit in the front of the church.
JT sits with his family next to Theo’s. Gran asked if I wanted her to come with me, but I told her no.
I’m used to doing things on my own, and honestly, I think I prefer it that way.
I don’t need someone to hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay. That’s a lie anyway because it won’t. Jon will always be gone, and we’ll always wish he wasn’t. So, it’s just easier if I don’t have someone else watching me try not to fall apart.
The pew creaks as someone slides in beside me. Nik gives me a sad smile and laces her fingers with mine, placing our joined hands on her lap. Lifting my face to the ceiling, I fight back the tears threatening to spill.
Maybe I actually don’t prefer doing it on my own because I’ve never been so glad to see someone in my life.
She really is incredible. Not once have I asked her to do anything for me, but just like magic, when I need her—she shows up. Even after I’ve pushed her away.
I squeeze her hand, and she runs her free one up my forearm and winks.
What felt like an impossible day a few minutes ago, has transformed into something I can swallow, like it always does when she’s around.
She just makes everything easier to manage.
To be honest, I’m not sure I know how to handle anything without her anymore, and that should probably scare me more than it does.
Colette stands, walking to the front of the room in a black dress that stops just below her knees. She wipes away a tear before taking a deep breath and stepping up to the microphone.
“Thank you everyone for coming. Jon was one of the most incredible humans I’ve ever met, and I think that’s obvious looking at how many of you also loved him.
I met him when we were just eighteen. I never would have imagined I’d marry him one day, but he’d have told you he knew the second he saw me.
” Pausing to swallow, she takes a breath before continuing.
“He had so many beautiful qualities, including his hair.” She laughs.
“He would have been pissed if I didn’t include that.
But the greatest thing about him was his heart.
I’ve never been loved the way Jon loved me.
I’m not sure how I’ll ever be able to express how much I miss him already, but as I look back, I’m so grateful to have known him.
I’m grateful for every second I was blessed to be his wife.
My life has been full of nothing but love and joy because of Jon.
” Her voice breaks and a tear rolls down her cheek.
“He used to always tell me I was going to be a great mother one day, but it turns out he was the one who was the absolute best father.” She looks to Gabe and winks.
“His club meant the world to him, and I’m so thankful to have had each and every one of you during this time.
He always said you were his other family, and that’s truer now than ever.
” Her voice is thick as she shifts and says, “He was so proud of his boys, Gabe and Shane.”
My heart drops to my stomach when she says my name. My vision blurs with tears—until Nik squeezes my hand, grounding me again.
“He will be watching over both of you, I’m sure.
Maybe now he’ll actually be able to keep you two in line.
” She lets out a small laugh. “Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for everything all of you have done for our family this week. I’ll never be able to explain what that means to me.
” She nods before walking away and returning to her seat next to Gabe.
The service finally ends, and everyone makes their way out of the building.
“You didn’t have to come,” I murmur.
I haven’t seen her since she showed up at Gran’s the day Jon died. What do I even say? There’s all this shit between us, and I don’t know how to see through it anymore. But here she is, and fuck me because I really don’t want this to be the last time I see her.
“I know, but I wanted to. I didn’t want you to be alone.”
I throw an arm around her shoulders and pull her into me like it’s the most natural thing in the world to touch her. I’m still so fucking in love with this girl, and it’d be so easy to just fall right back into us again.
Why does what’s best for me have to be what’s worst for her?
“Now who’s needy?” she jokes.
“Shut up.” I laugh, rolling my eyes.
She plucks the cigarette from my hand and takes a long drag.
“Do you have plans after this?” she asks.
“Are you asking me out at a funeral? That’s pretty weird even for you.”
“Fuck off.” She rolls her eyes, holding back a grin. “Never mind.”
“Everyone’s going back to the club after this. Wanna come?”
She looks at me, her brows creased. “It’s okay. You don’t have to do that. I just didn’t want you to go home alone.”
“Do what?”
“Invite me.”
“I’m inviting you because I want you there, dumbass,” I tease, winking at her.
“You’re an asshole, you know that?”
“Oh, for sure. But you like me so what’s that say about you?” I chuckle. “So, you’ll come?”
She nods.
“Wanna ride?”
“I need to change first.” She shakes her head. “I’ll meet you there.”
From the moment she walks away, my chest tightens with the need for her to come back.
One thing about the club, they’re going to turn everything into a party. That’s what Jon would have wanted. It doesn’t feel right, though.
I find a spot on the couch in the back and plop down.
Is she even gonna show up?
Maybe she just felt bad for me and didn’t have the heart to tell me she didn’t want to come to the club.
I’ve finished my first beer when the door opens and blonde-and-purple hair floats in.
I don’t know when she changed the color, but I like it.
She’s in a black sweater with smiley faces all over it. Judging by the shoestring she has looped through the front of her favorite ripped jeans, I’d say she’s lost weight.
She smiles warmly when her eyes meet mine and moves across the room to sit beside me, crossing her legs under her.
“I thought maybe you weren’t coming.”
I really am a loser. Why did I say that?
She shrugs. “I’ll always come.”
That stings for some reason. I don’t want her to give me that responsibility. The ability to make or break her because I know I’m only capable of doing one of those.
“How have you been?”
“Fine, I guess.”
“Liar.”
She huffs a laugh. “What about you? How have you been?”
“Terrible.”
She nods, looking away.
“I miss you.”
Her eyes meet mine. “You do?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you wanna come home?”
“I do.” More than anything in the world. More than I want air, or water, or drugs.
Without a speck of hope in her eyes, she asks, “Are you going to?”
I want to say yes so bad my teeth hurt from clenching them. “I shouldn’t.”
She sits up a little taller, cocking her head to the side. “I didn’t ask what you should do. I asked what you were going to do.”
“Nikki—”
“No. If you’re doing this because you think it’s what’s best for me, I promise it’s not. I don’t want this. I just want you.”
My eyes snag on the bandage peeking out from under her sleeve. I saw it at the funeral too, but I wasn’t sure how to bring it up.
When I run my fingers over the edge she rips her arm away and says, “I’m fine.”
“Are you taking your meds?”
She scoffs, turning her head away. “That’s really none of your business.”
“Nik, this is what I’m talking about! I can’t be the only reason you’re okay.”
“No?” she snaps back to me. “What about the reason I’m not?”
“Nikki—”
“It’s fine. I’m fine.” She gets up and starts to storm away.
I can’t breathe. With every step she takes away from me, the invisible hand wrapped around my throat tightens.
Just being near her is the best I’ve felt since I left the apartment that night.
Practically spilling my beer, I jump up and follow her before grabbing her arm and spinning her to me.
My lips meet hers. I’m not good for her, but fuck she’s so good for me, and I can’t watch her leave. Our lips part. And I’m drowning in how much pain she’s holding. I can’t watch that shit.
“Please come home,” she whispers, her eyes trained on my chest.
They don’t lift to mine until I finally say, “Okay.”