34. Shane
Shane
Ipicked up Gran’s car early this morning and took it with me to the shop for an oil change. I feel like shit that I haven’t been over here as much recently.
I’ve just been… I don’t know.
More and more of my time is spent at Marcus’s, and I wish that weren’t true, but I think this is just who I am. I’m not the guy who gets clean and turns it all around. I’m the fuck-up who ruins everything. Maybe I’ve just finally come to terms with that fact.
Pulling up in front of her house, I step out of the car and jog up the steps. After everything she’s done for me over the years, changing her oil’s the least I can do, but it’s nowhere near enough.
“Gran,” I yell, walking into the house.
Typically, she’s sitting at the kitchen table and comes rushing out when she hears me call her name. She does crosswords and listens to the radio show in the afternoon. I put her keys in the bowl by the door and make my way toward the kitchen when she doesn’t come out.
This house holds more happy family memories for me than my mom’s ever did. The couple of years I lived here were the happiest times of my childhood, but even before I moved in, I loved it.
“Gran,” I repeat, stepping into the kitchen. She’s not at the table and her dirty coffee cup’s not by the sink. She always saves her dishes up and washes them at the end of the day.
I turn around, brows furrowed.
Maybe she’s in the bathroom. Pulling out a cigarette, I head for the backdoor and step onto the worn-down wooden deck before lighting it. The lake sparkles under the afternoon sun and the magnolia tree sways in the breeze.
I can almost picture my sister sitting out there.
She’s always been obsessed with that lake.
It’s Gran’s fault. When we were kids, she’d tell us it was magic.
I knew better, being the cynical little shit I was, but Ash fell for it hook, line, and sinker.
From the first time she heard Gran say it, she was infatuated with sitting in the grass under that tree.
Taking a drag, I lean against the railing.
It’s been over a year since the last time I saw my sister or Maggie. She calls. FaceTimes sometimes, but that’s not the same. Maggie doesn’t really even know me. Hell, Gabe’s more of an uncle to JT’s kids than I am to Maggie, and he’s not even their real uncle.
But I can’t go back there. My mom and I will never have a mother-son relationship worth having, and it’s not even that I care that much, I just don’t like the way I feel when she’s around. It’s better for all of us if I keep my distance.
Honestly, who would want their kid around their uncle if he’s fucked up half the time anyway?
More than half really.
After finishing my cigarette, I head back inside and flop down on the couch.
It’s so quiet, the only sound being the ticking from the annoying-ass musical clock on the wall. She’s had the same goddamn one since I was little. I’ve never understood how she’s not sick of hearing it play the same damn songs every day, but she loves the stupid thing.
When she still doesn’t appear a few minutes later, I make my way through the rest of the house, calling out to her.
If I didn’t have her car all day, I’d just assume she’d gone to the store, but I left my bike there, not my truck, and last time I checked she doesn’t know how to ride.
“Gran,” I call, opening my bedroom door to peek inside before closing it.
Then I knock on the bathroom door.
Nothing.
After trying Ash’s room, I decide to knock on her bedroom door.
No response.
“Gran, you in here?” I push open the door and find her still in bed. “Damn, taking a nap in the middle of the day again?”
She doesn’t answer as I move across the room to her, placing a hand on her arm.
All the air whooshes out of my lungs.
Cold.
“Gran?”
She doesn’t move as I shake her arm.
My knees hit the floor.
Ringing starts in my ears.
No. No. No. No. No.
Hands shuffle through my pockets, pulling out my phone to call for help.
“Nine-one-one. What’s your emergency?”
Every thought, every movement feels like someone else’s as I move through the house to let them in. Only capable of moving air in and out of my lungs, I sit on the couch and stare as medics and police officers fill her home.
I didn’t check on her when I picked up the car this morning because I knew she’d give me shit about being fucked up. I slipped in, took her keys, and shouted into the void that I’d be back.
Was she already gone?
Maybe I could have…
“Shane,” Nik says, rushing over and dropping onto the floor in front of where I sit on the couch with my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands.
I can’t fucking do this shit.
She’s my only family. She’s the only person who loved me, and now she’s gone. My skin feels too tight, and I just want to climb out of it.
“Hey, you’re okay,” she whispers, running her hand in my hair.
I don’t think I am. I don’t think I’ve ever been okay, actually, but I know I’m not now.
I want to scream.
She’s still supposed to be here. I still need her. I know I’m a grown man, and I shouldn’t still need my damn grandmother, but I do. I need her to see me make it out on the other side of this shit.
Nik shifts until she has her arms around my neck and pulls me into her, rubbing slow circles on my back.
My shoulders relax, and the raging pulse in my ears slows a little—enough to let the crippling pain slip through the cracks. My chest caves, and I fall apart, heaving out sobs. She kisses my neck and sniffles.
I can’t do this. Not without her. Gran’s supposed to be here.
She’s supposed to be here.
She’s not supposed to be—
Nik whispers into my neck, “I’m so sorry, baby.”
She rests her hands on my face, forcing me to look at her. Tears well in her eyes as she says, “You’re gonna be okay.”
I’m not. I’m not okay, and I’m not gonna be okay.
“She’s gone,” I croak out, unable to say anything else.
“Yeah, I know, but you aren’t. Do you hear me? You are still here, and you’re okay. We’re gonna get through this, and you’re gonna be okay.”
She just keeps saying that. Like she knows I can’t fathom being okay after losing Gran. Or maybe she knows I’m so close to giving up because I’m having a very hard time coming up with reasons to be here.
“Hey, I just heard,” Gabe says, barreling past the people still coming and going from the house.
He squeezes my shoulder but doesn’t say anything.
Leaning back on the couch, I stare blankly at the wall in front of me.
I’ve been trying so hard to hold on to the shrivel of hope that I could have a life outside of my bullshit, but with every second that this reality creeps in, the less I still believe it.
I’m a burden. I’m a fuck-up. All I do is bring the people I love pain. I was nothing but a pain in the ass to her even though she was so good to me, and that’s all it’ll ever be now because she’s gone.
I’m worthless and everyone seems to know it.
“I’m so sorry, man.” He sits next to me. “Do you need anything?”
I know he’s talking to me, but it sounds like he’s a million miles away.
Maybe he is.
Maybe I’m not here at all.
Maybe I’m a million miles away.
God, I wish I was.
I swallow, forcing myself out of my haze. “Yeah, I need to get out of here.” I stand from the couch and dart out of the house.
“Shane,” Nik yells, running after me, but I don’t stop.
Instead, I jump on my bike and ride away.
I can’t fucking breathe or think. I know this is it.
One more reason to keep going has been marked off the list.
Is this what my life will consist of? Letting everyone down, hurting them, and then it’s over?
“Hey.”
Someone touches my face, and I try to open my eyes, but the light stings, making me pinch them closed.
“Shane, wake up.”
My head rolls to the side, and I groan. I’m so fucking tired and my whole body screams in pain. I’m about to try and peel an eye open when fire erupts in my stomach, and I heave.
“Fuck.” They grab me and hoist me forward over something. A trash can maybe? “Get it out, buddy. I got you.”
The fog clears enough that I recognize his voice. Gabe. I don’t know where I am, but Gabe’s here.
When I finish throwing up, I flop back onto the mattress. There’s no sheet or box spring, just a mattress on the floor.
Damn it.
I know where I am. What I don’t know is why Gabe’s here. I lie there staring at the ceiling and wishing I could just disappear.
Slowly, I sit up, groaning the whole way. “What are you doing here?”
“Me? Shane, what the fuck are you doing here?”
I turn my head to stare at him. He knows why I’m here. Everyone knows. My problems have been on display since I moved to this stupid fucking town.
I’m a fucking lost cause.
“I get that you’re struggling, but you’ve got to pull yourself together. Get up. The funeral’s in a couple of hours. Mom got you a suit.”
Oh yeah. That’s why I’m here. Gran. I don’t want to go to her funeral. If I just stay here, I can pretend she isn’t gone.
“I said get up. Get the fuck up, or I will drag you out of here,” he snaps.
“I can’t,” I mutter, but it comes out broken. I’m a pathetic loser.
I hate who I’ve become, or maybe who I’ve always been.
He kneels in front of me. “You can. This isn’t about you. If you loved her, and I know you did. Get up. After today, you can fall apart again, but you have to show up.”
He tosses my shirt at me and storms off.
I don’t want to, but I get up and follow him out of the house.
Thankfully he’s silent the entire drive to his mom’s.
As Gabe and I walk into the kitchen, Nik spins in her seat to look at us.
“Oh my god.” She launches herself from the chair, scrambling toward me.
Her body collides with mine as she wraps her arms around my neck. She doesn’t say a word. She doesn’t bitch at me for disappearing or tell me how scared she was. She just holds onto me for dear life, her fingers digging into my skin.
Colette watches with a sad smile.
I pull back. “I need a shower.”
She nods, tears pooling in her eyes as I step back, but she still holds onto my arms until I’m all the way out of reach.
Once upstairs, I slip inside the room that used to be mine and find the suit Colette picked up for me laid out on the bed.
I don’t know how long I was at Marcus’s, but I fucking reek.
After moseying to the bathroom, I start the shower and strip off my clothes.
The warm water feels good on my skin, and I groan.
My hands tremble as I reach for the soap. I’m not ready for this.
Fuck. I don’t know when my last hit was, but it was definitely too long ago.
All this shit is bad enough without having to suffer through it relatively sober.
Resting my forearms on the shower wall, I let my head fall forward and try to just breathe. I want to put my hand through the fucking thing.
“I know you’re not okay, but are you okay?”
I straighten and turn over my shoulder to peer out the glass door. Nik’s standing on the other side with red-rimmed eyes.
“I’m fine.”
She opens the shower, stepping inside with all her clothes still on.
Her fingers touch my bare torso, and she tilts her head up to look at me. “Shane, seriously. Talk to me.”
“I can’t.” I can’t talk about any of it. I’m spiraling the drain, and if I let the top off I’m not sure I’ll ever get it back on. I want to run away.
I want out of my fucking body.
“Okay,” she whispers, still looking at me.
With her green eyes wholly focused on me, I just want a fix. Cocaine, oxy, Nik, it doesn’t matter. Anything to just make it all stop for a minute.
I run my fingers up the back of her neck and into her hair. Taking a deep breath, I press her mouth to mine and my body to hers, soaking her clothes in the process and fisting the back of her shirt.
I kiss her hard, like I’m trying to get lost in her.
She pulls back. “Shane.”
I cut her off, kissing her again.
She puts a hand on my chest, pushing me back. “Hey—"
“Please,” I whisper in the most pathetic voice.
A beat passes, and I think she’s going to leave, but then she just nods and leans in to kiss me again.
It’s a desperate tangle of tongues and limbs—not about pleasure or intimacy, it’s about hiding.
Hiding away in the smell of her skin, the feel of her nails in my back, the breathy sounds coming from her lips.
She’s my getaway car from reality. The world fades away as I’m lost, drowning in her.
Walking into the clubhouse, I’m met with sad smiles and pity.
It makes my skin crawl. It’s not an actual funeral; Gran was clear she didn’t want that and was cremated.
Colette was the one that planned the celebration of life.
If it’d been left up to me, she’d have nothing because I was too busy getting high because that’s the kind of grandson I am.
Even after everything the woman did for me, I hadn’t thought about it for even a moment.
I’d only thought about running away from it all.
Colette stops me as I walk in the door, wrapping me in a hug. She’d already left the house by the time Nik and I were ready.
“Hi, honey. I’m so sorry. If you need anything at all, you know I’m here.”
“I know.”
She pulls back to look at me and places her hands on my face. “Look, I won’t push, but when you’re ready, please let us help you. I don’t wanna see you suffer anymore. You deserve to be healthy.”
I stare at her in silence.
“When you’re ready, we are here.” She glances at something over her shoulder before turning back to me. “It’s okay. He won’t speak to you. The guys already warned him.”
My eyes meet my father’s across the room.
Fuck him.
I don’t know why he even bothered to come, it’s not like he gave a shit about her, and don’t think I won’t tell him exactly that if he comes anywhere near me.
The clubhouse is decorated in Gran’s favorite yellow flowers, and a picture of her and my grandfather sits on a table near the door.
My stomach churns.
I can’t even imagine getting through the rest of this week without her, how am I going to go the rest of my life?
No more perfume that smells like the flower farm she took us to when I was ten.
No more lectures for my stupid choices while we smoke on the porch.
No more French toast when she knows I’ve had a rough night.
The last time was the last time.
A lump forms in my throat. It’s not until Nik threads her fingers with mine that I realize I’m still just standing in the doorway. Like if I don’t go in, this won’t be happening. I swallow and force one foot in front of the other.
JT stops me halfway to an empty table in the corner.
He doesn’t wait for me to put up a wall or tell him to leave me alone.
He just wraps his arms around me, smacking my back. “I’m so sorry, man.”
With a heavy exhale, I mutter, “Thanks.”
When he pulls back, he squeezes my shoulder and says, “We’re all here.”
For the first time since everything happened, I wish my sister was here with me.