36. Nik #2
I wouldn’t say I’ve cooled, but I’m determined to at least bury it somewhere so I can be here for Ash. The wine has just started to go to my head when the door flings open. I know it’s him before I even turn around.
“What the fuck, Shane,” I slur, whipping around on the couch. “Go home. It’s girls’ night.”
“Yeah, and you are my girl. No way you’re sleeping in my Gran’s house without me.” He waltzes over like nothing’s happened and wraps his arms around my waist. I have to resist the urge to melt right into him, especially when I get a big whiff of his cedar cologne—
Damn it! You’re still pissed, Nik!
I fling his arms off me. “I’m still mad at you, fucker. Get off me.”
He drops his hand to my waist and brings his mouth to the shell of my ear. “Come on, baby. I want to go to bed. It’s been a shit day.”
“Yeah, well your sister’s had a shit day too, no thanks to you, so she needs me more.”
“Um, for the record, I don’t. I’m headed to bed.” Ash stands from the couch, balancing our glasses in one hand and the popcorn bag in the other. “I really don’t give a shit if you sleep on this couch or in his bed so long as you’re not in mine. You’re a blanket hog.”
“I am not!”
“See, she doesn’t need you, and you kind of are,” Shane pleads, wincing.
Swatting his arm, I point a finger. “Fine, but you are still in deep shit.”
If he thinks for one second that he’s off the hook, he’s lost his goddamn mind, but I’m not going to air out our dirty laundry in front of his sister, so I guess I’m going to bed with him.
“I promise I’ll make it up to you,” he whispers.
“Gross! If I hear even a peep of what you two are doing in there, I will throw you both out of this house.”
Ash disappears into the kitchen and Shane grins. I roll my eyes, standing from the couch and huffing as I storm to his room, closing the door in his face.
I have every intention of sleeping in here with him tonight, but it still feels good to do it.
“Nikki—” he pleads, opening it a moment later and stepping inside.
“Don’t you dare start that shit with me. You’re not forgiven.” I don’t look back at him as I make my way across the room to my side of the bed and tear back the covers.
“Good. I shouldn’t be. But I don’t mind groveling.”
“You ought to be pretty good at it at this point.” I cut him a dirty look.
“Yeah… I’m really sorry.”
“You already said that.”
His shoulders slump. “I know. I just don’t know what else to say.”
I shrug. “Nothing to say, Shane. You’re a fucking liar, and I can’t trust you.”
That blow hurts him, but I force myself not to care.
“Here’s the thing. You can make all the excuses in the world, but the truth is, you don’t care about anything as much as you care about getting high, and I don’t care about anything as much as I care about you. And that fucking sucks.”
He drops his eyes to the floor and nods.
If I were capable of walking away from him, I’d do it now. If I could live without him, I’d save myself any further heartache.
But I can’t.
I don’t think I’d feel whole without him. Even on his worst day, no one could ever be as good for me as Shane, even if he is simultaneously bad for me.
It’s Shane and I until the end. I know the real him is in there, and I’m nothing if not patient.
He’s more than he’s given himself credit for, but I’ll be damned if I miss the man he becomes when he finally kicks it.
I know I said I wasn’t waiting for him to get clean, and I’m not.
But I know he will one day. One day, the man underneath will win the fight, and he’ll get his life back. He might not know it yet, but I do.
“I made an appointment at the clinic tomorrow to get tested.”
If he looked defeated before, he looks like he might want to find a hole to go lay in now.
“You probably should too.”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
“You need help, Shane. I can’t keep fucking doing this. We can’t just get keep getting tested and hope for the best?”
He blinks a few times and glances down at his feet. “I’ll use a condom next time.”
I scoff. “Or you could just stop.” He’s always coming up with ways around hurting everyone, instead of just doing the one thing that would make it all stop. “You could just go to rehab and get clean.”
“No.”
“Shane—”
“I said no,” he snaps. “I don’t need fucking rehab.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, I just need to get back on track. I’ve done it before.”
“Yeah, until you haven’t.” I start to climb into bed.
“It won’t be like that this time.”
Stopping with my leg half on the bed and the other still on the ground, my brows pinch and my mouth pops open before I say, “How can you possibly say that? You know as well as I do that you’re not capable of making promises like that.”
“Nikki, I know. I get it. I royally fucked up this time, but it was a mistake. Marcus was just short, and I fucked up.”
“So, what are you gonna do the next time he’s short?”
“There won’t be a next time. I’m done. I swear.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose and mutter, “You’re so full of shit.”
When he starts to say something, I throw up a hand. “Enough. I’m done with this conversation. I just want to go to bed.”
His mouth snaps closed, but he doesn’t move to the bed right away.
I don’t wait for him before crawling under the covers and turning off the bedside lamp.
The bed dips when he finally joins me. Then, his arm slips around my waist. And I know I should shove him off. Tell him to leave me the fuck alone, but I don’t. Instead, I sink back into him. I’m so exhausted, and this is the only place I can rest—in his hold.