37. Nik
Nik
May
It takes all of a few days for my entire life to go to hell in a hand basket. First, Ash and I ran into Gabe at the bar and that was a nightmare.
Then, Adam showed up at Gran’s and scared the living shit out of her.
Shane’s been hell bent on punishing himself for it ever since. I know he feels guilty, and to a degree he should. He’d been hiding out because he was fucked up and left the door unlocked for fuck’s sake.
But I’m worried it’s going to be the last straw for him.
We’ve been through so much during our relationship, but this is the darkest I think I’ve ever seen him. My phone dings, and I scramble to pick it up.
My shoulders sag when I see it’s just my mom. Shane didn’t come home last night, and I haven’t heard from him today. That in itself wouldn’t be that worrisome, but he didn’t show up at the shop today for work either.
I’ve called a dozen times, but his phone’s off.
I hit ignore and place my phone back down on the coffee table.
Twenty-four hours later, I’ve still not heard from him. A brick forms in my stomach when I check with JT and find out none of the guys have heard from him either.
It’s on day three with no word when someone knocks on the door.
“Just a second!” I shout, climbing out of the sink where I was smoking and racing toward the door. I don’t usually smoke without him, but I’m struggling to keep my head above water at this point.
When I open it, Katie is standing on the other side with a brown paper sack tucked under one arm and a white plastic bag with take-out containers hangs from her hand.
She grins. “Need a distraction? I brought food and wine!”
I try to force a smile and move out of the way to let her in. She waltzes to the kitchen and places the bags on the island.
“Still no word?”
“Nope,” I answer, closing the door and joining her.
“He’s such a motherfucker. I don’t know how you’ve put up with that bullshit for this long.”
I pin her with a look. “I love him.”
She rolls her eyes. “Yeah. Yeah. I know. Look, I get that he’s not all bad. Hell, I’ve always liked him, but that doesn’t mean you should live like this. It’s bananas, Nik.”
I nod.
She plops down on one of the stools and waves a dismissive hand. “Alright. I said my piece. I support whatever you wanna do, even if I want to knock him in the head.”
That pulls a small chuckle from my lips, and I turn to grab two wine glasses. As I lay them on the island, Katie grabs my arm and yanks up the sleeve of my cardigan.
“Goddamn it, Nik,” she mumbles, taking in the large bandage covering the biggest part of my forearm.
I tear free from her and pull my sleeve down. “It’s fine. I just burnt it on the stove.”
“No, you fucking didn’t. Don’t lie to me.”
I chew the inside of my lip.
“How dumb do you think I am? I know exactly what you did.” She shakes her head.
My eyes drop to the counter. “It’s not like that.”
“Then what’s it like?”
I can’t come up with the words to explain it because no matter what I say, I don’t think she’ll get it.
“Do you see anyone, like a therapist or…?”
I shake my head.
She pulls her phone from the back pocket of her jeans and dials someone. “Alright, well you do now.”
My brows pull together as she holds the phone to her ear then shoves it at me.
“What?”
“Make an appointment.”
I stare at her wide-eyed.
She shakes the phone at me. “Hurry up. If they hang up, I’ll call them right back.”
I’m dumbfounded but manage to take the phone from her and make an appointment.
When I hang up and hand the phone back to her, she says, “That’s where I go for therapy. It’s a nice place.”
I stay quiet, not sure if I want to cry or scream at her.
“You don’t get to give up.” She stands and makes her way around the island to me. “Not when you have people in your corner.” Her body crashes into mine as she wraps me in a hug. “And I’m always in your corner. Day. Night. With or without Shane.”
Something’s wrong. I know it is. I’ve called the boys a dozen times, and I make a stop by Gran’s and the shop every day. He’s not shown up. The pit that’s been in my stomach has now turned sour.
I’m sitting on the couch when I hear someone outside my door, but it’s not hope like it was days ago that fills me, it’s dread. Dread that turns to ice when the person knocks.
My palms sweat as I stand and make my way to the door. As it opens, I feel like I might throw up. JT tries to smile but it’s not convincing.
My voice is frigid when I ask, “They found him?”
He nods. “They’re on their way to the ER now.”
ER. That’s good, right? ER means at least he’s not—
I don’t even realize I’m just staring at him until he says, “Get your stuff, I’ll give you a ride.”
“Is he…” I swallow. “Is he okay?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know.”
Any relief I felt hearing he was headed to the hospital dissolves with the heartbreaking look that flashes across his face.
I grab my purse from the entry table and slip my feet into my boots before following him out of my apartment.
I should have known this was coming. The last time he dabbled in IV drugs, he overdosed in our bathroom.
“You okay?” JT asks as I climb into the truck.
“No.”
He nods, not saying another word. The drive’s all a blur, just the dark night passing by my window. If that isn’t the perfect metaphor for my life.
For years now, I’ve been trapped in a passenger seat as I watch the void pass me by while I wait for someone to turn on the fucking light. Let me out of this car. But I don’t know where we’re going anymore. If I’m not on my way to a better life with Shane, then what the fuck am I doing?
The ten-minute drive to the hospital feels like an eternity and only a blink at the same time. What if we find out he’s—
I rip open the door and dart inside. “Is he okay?”
Gabe says something, but I don’t stop to hear him.
Just as I step up to the desk to ask about him, Ash barrels into me, wrapping me in a hug.
“What happened? Where is he? Is he okay?”
She pulls back, and I get the first look at her puffy tear-streaked face. “I don’t know. He just showed up. He—God, Nik, he looked—” She shakes her head. “They took him back and haven’t told us anything yet.”
Tears well in my eyes now too. I don’t know what life looks like without him.
She runs her hands up and down my arms. “He’s gonna be okay. He has to be.”
I’m not sure if I believe her. Hell, I’m not sure she believes herself, but I nod and we find a place to sit.
My chest squeezes, and I can’t seem to stop the tears from falling as I twiddle my thumbs in the waiting room.
The clock tick, tick, ticks away like it’s counting the tears as they fall and splash my bare thighs.
Tick, tick, tick.
He’s going to be fine. I’m fine. Everything is fucking fine.
Tick, tick, tick.
I don’t even realize I’ve been rubbing my thumb against my palm until it starts to burn, but it’s not enough. It doesn’t pull me back or loosen the grip around my lungs.
JT takes a seat beside me and grabs my hands, stopping the burn. “He’s gonna be okay.”
I pull them away, tucking them under my legs. “He hasn’t been okay in a long time.”
“Yeah.” He takes a long breath. “I know.”
“I don’t know what the fuck is happening to me.” I put my hands over my face. “I don’t know how I got here. I love him, but this is fucking crazy, right?”
“Yeah. You could say that.” He laughs, but not like a something’s funny laugh. “You’re gonna be okay too.”
“I can’t leave him,” I say under my breath, dropping my hands to my lap, a little embarrassed to admit it.
JT gives me a sad smile and pulls me into a hug. “I hope for both of your sake it doesn’t come to that. But if it does, you have to start thinking about yourself. I love Shane like a brother, but he’s walking a very fine line these days. Don’t throw your life away just because he throws his.”
I nod, leaning over on him.
I’m not sure how long passes before the nurse finally comes out to tell us he’s okay and they’re moving him to a room.
The exhaustion of the last several days finally creeps into my bones, and I doze off until they eventually let us see him.
“I need a minute with him if that’s okay,” I say to Gabe.
Stepping into the room, my heart has it’s claws in my throat, holding on for dear life.
My eyes find his. He’s in a hospital gown with an IV in his right hand. He looks broken, but that’s nothing new. He’s looked that way for a long time now. Just a shell of the nineteen-year-old boy I fell in love with.
I’ve been crying most of the evening, but seeing him here, alive, has overwhelmed my emotions.
My chest heaves, and my knees threaten to buckle.
For a couple of hours tonight I thought he’d die.
From the moment JT showed up at my front door, all I could imagine was Shane being lowered into the ground.
Rushing across the room, I throw myself into his arms. I clutch him like I may never get another chance because I really didn’t think I would. My body trembles as he grips my head and kisses my forehead before wrapping his arms around my neck.
“You dumb motherfucker,” I say through a sob.
“I know.” His voice comes out broken. “I’m sorry.”
When I lift up to look at him, he’s crying too.
I’ve always said I wouldn’t hound him about his problems, but a switch has flipped. He has to get help. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t watch him kill himself.
I sit on the edge of the bed and cry, “I thought you were going to die.”
“Yeah, me too.” He presses his fingers into his eyes.
“You have to get help. I can’t do this anymore. You can’t do this anymore.”
“I know.” He bites his lip and sniffs. “They want me to go to rehab.”
“And?”
He shrugs. “I don’t want to.”
I nod, knowing if he doesn’t that this has to be the end of us. I can’t keep doing this. It might kill me to walk away, but it will kill me if I stay and watch him keep doing this.
Before I can say anything else, he adds, “I think I need to though.”
Relief threatens to take over, but I stop it. I can’t hold my breath for this until he actually does it.
Grabbing his hand, I say, “I think so too.”
He squeezes. “I’m sorry it took me so long, and that it took this.”
I just keep nodding because I don’t know what to say. I’m just so glad he’s not dead and he’s still here.
“Gabe’s in the hallway. I’m gonna go get him.”
Shane nods.
When everyone leaves, I climb into the bed beside him and lay my head on his chest. The sound of his beating heart is a sound I never thought I’d crave like this. He kisses the top of my head, and my eyes start to water again.
“God, I’m never this much of a baby. Fuck! I just keep crying.” Reaching up, I wipe my wet face with the palm of my hand.
He laughs. “You’re such a girl.”
I lift my head to look at him. “Take that back,” I snap.
He smiles, kisses my mouth, and mutters, “My girl,” before kissing me again.
Shane’s going to rehab today. I’m nervous for some reason. I know this is what’s best for him, and I want it for him more than anything, but I’m scared. I’m scared it won’t work, and I’m scared this might be our last chance to get things right.
What if he gets better and realizes I’m still a mess, and then he decides to leave me behind?
“Ready?” I ask.
He grabs my hand over the center console. “No.”
I force a smile. “You can do this.”
“I’m nervous.”
I didn’t need him to tell me that. His knee’s bounced in the passenger seat the whole way here, and his hand trembles in mine.
“Me too.”
“You’ll be here when I come back?” he asks like he doesn’t already know the answer. Like I haven’t been here through so much worse.
“Of course.” I smile. “I’m here till the end.”
Nodding, he looks down at his lap. “I’m sorry for everything. I don’t have the words to describe how fucking sorry I am, but I’m glad you were here. Thank you for always being here.”
I grab his face, turning it to look at me. “I love you.”
He kisses me, and I wish we could stay like this. I wish we could just be two people kissing in a car, and he didn’t have his baggage, and we could just be normal.
I’d give anything to just be two regular people with him.
“Okay.” I pull back. “Time to go.”
He nods before climbing out of the car, duffle bag in hand, and I watch the love of my life walk away, holding my breath that he comes back to me whole.