42. Shane
Shane
September
I’ve been clean for four months today. I was worried about coming home, but everyone’s been really supportive, and I think I’m doing okay. I’m not saying it’s been a cake walk. There are definitely times when I really fucking want to get high. But I don’t.
Even the fight I had with Gabe when he found out about Maggie didn’t trigger me to relapse. I just handled the stress by dealing with my feelings and talking to my new therapist, Diane.
I still have cravings pretty much daily, but I choose not to go running straight to Marcus. I’m not sure when or if that ever changes. Maybe I’ll always have a deep urge to burn it all down, but for right now, I’m not. Right now, I’m just trying to make a life for Nik and I.
“Where were you?” Nik whips around from where she’s sitting on the couch, her eyes round and her brows drawn.
I hate that. That look on her face is one I never want to see again. I’ve caused her enough anxiety for a lifetime. I want her to trust me, but that’s going to take time. There were years where if I didn’t come home, it meant I was fucked up somewhere, and the last time I did that I almost died.
“I had an errand to run.” Tension tugs on the corners of my mouth, and I have to fight to keep from grinning as I kick off my shoes at the door.
“An errand?”
“Yeah.”
She takes in every inch of me, no doubt searching for clues. “What kind of errand?”
“Not what you’re thinking, okay?”
She eyes me skeptically.
“I mean it. I didn’t do anything,” I move across the room, pulling her from the couch into a hug.
“I was starting to panic,” she mumbles into my neck.
“I know, I’m sorry.” I kiss the top of her head and my stomach drops. “Everything’s fine, I swear.”
I told Nik if I ever got my shit together, we could have it all.
Now I’m ready to make good on that promise.
So, I had to make a quick run to the jewelers after work.
I was going to plan some big elaborate way to ask her.
This weekend maybe, but now the ring feels like it’s burning a hole in my pocket, and I just want her to know I’m not going to fuck this up this time.
“Nikki,” I say, pulling back to look at her.
Her bright green eyes meet mine and the crease between her brows softens just a hair.
“I love you. I have loved you from the moment I met you. You’re the only person who’s ever understood me and supported me.
In rehab I realized part of my problem was feeling completely unlovable because my parents couldn’t love me, but the reason I was able to accept that it wasn’t true was because you’ve loved me.
I’m a better man because of you. Everything is harder without you.
You’re my peace of mind, and my tether to the world.
I don’t know if I could do anything without you anymore.
I will never be whole without you because I’m not sure I ever was before you.
You are my heart and soul, and I want to love you forever. ”
I swallow, putting my hand in my pocket to grab the velvet box.
“Shane,” she whispers, pressing her fingers to her lips and looking at me with tear-filled eyes. She deserves the world, and I’m hell-bent on giving it to her. As I lower myself to one knee, more tears spill from her eyes.
“Holy shit…” she mutters, her hands flying to her mouth.
“Nikki, will you marry me?”
“Oh my god!” Her eyes widen. “Is that where you were?”
I laugh. “Yeah. I wasn’t planning on doing it now just here in the apartment, but I’m not a patient man,” I say with a shrug, still waiting for her answer.
“I don’t care about that,” she says, shaking her head and still staring at the oval sapphire ring in the box.
“Is that a yes?”
“Oh shit! Yes. Of course, yes!” she shrieks, grabbing the ring and putting it on her finger.
I stand up and pull her to me. “I was supposed to put it on you.”
“Oh, oops. You took too long.” She laughs, holding out her hand to look at it. “It’s so perfect. Thank you.”
I lean down and press my lips to hers. A feeling I’ve never experienced before washes over me. Contentment, maybe? Like all of the pieces have finally found the places. She wraps both arms around my neck, pressing into me harder. Her tongue swipes over my bottom lip.
When I break the kiss, holding both sides over her face, I say, “I love you so much, Nikki. Thank you for never giving up on us.”
She half cries, half laughs, grabbing my face. “I’d do it over a hundred times if I had to.”
She takes a picture of the ring and sends it to everyone before FaceTiming my sister. She’s just hung up when my phone dings. I pick it up from the kitchen counter and stare blankly at the screen.
“What’s wrong?” Nik asks.
“Nothing, it’s just my mom.”
“Oh shit. What’s she want?”
“To talk. She asked if we could have lunch sometime.”
“What are you going to say?”
What am I going to say? On one hand, I’m curious.
My anger toward her has cooled some since our conversation in rehab.
I still have a lot of resentment, and I’m far from forgiving her, but I guess I just don’t hate her like I did.
Maybe I never hated her. I don’t want to admit this, but I think it’s hard to not want your parent’s love.
No matter how terrible she was to me, I still just wanted her to give a shit. Isn’t that pathetic?
“I don’t know. I don’t want to, but she’s trying. I kind of feel like I should at least hear her out.”
“Yeah. If you think you can handle it, I think you should go.”
I don’t know if I can handle it, but if I go, I’ll have to because I can’t go back. I can’t let my mother ruin anymore of my life. Especially, when it feels like we’re just now starting our new life together.
“Yeah?”
She nods.
“What if she starts her bullshit?”
“Do you think she’d really ask you to come if she was going to do that? She’s never reached out before. Maybe she really is trying to fix things.”
“I don’t know if I want to fix things with her.”
“That’s fine too. You have to do what’s best for you and your happiness. I’ll support whatever you choose.”
I walk into the restaurant to find her already sitting at a table.
“Shane, thank you for coming,” my mother says, standing from her seat at the table to hug me.
I’m a little stunned. I couldn’t tell you the last time my mother fucking hugged me.
It’s weird. I don’t know how I feel about any of this yet.
She asked me to meet her at a fancy-ass restaurant in Raleigh, so I dropped Nik off with Ash while I meet with her.
She kind of pushed to come with me. Not to the lunch, but just to Raleigh.
I think she’s afraid I’ll run to get high after meeting with my mom.
And I get it. That’s exactly what I used to do.
I take a seat across the table from her.
“It’s a beautiful day,” she says, smiling.
What the fuck. My mother is smiling at me. Not that fake one she’s so good at either, but a real, genuine smile.
“Yeah,” I agree, nodding and picking up the menu.
“How are you?” she asks.
I put it back down slowly to look at her. My brain tells me she doesn’t actually care, and she’s just manipulating me, but I think Kristy would say that’s a defense mechanism, so I don’t get hurt if she starts treating me like shit again.
“Uh… I’m good.”
“Yeah?” Her eyes light. “Recovery’s going okay?”
“Yeah, I uh…” I rub the back of my neck. “I feel good.”
“That’s great. I’m so proud of you.”
My brows pinch before I even register they’ve done it. “You are?”
“Yes, Shane.” Her shoulder slump. “I do love you. I know I’ve messed up as your mother, but I care about you, and I want you to be happy.”
It’s so weird to hear her say those things, and there’s still a major part of me that doesn’t believe her. But an even bigger part that wants to. I smile. “I am.”
“That’s great. Are you still dating that girl with the pink hair?”
And there it is. The reminder of how terrible of a mother she really has been. She doesn’t even know Nik’s name, and we’ve been together for years.
“Nik. Yeah, I actually just asked her to marry me a couple of days ago.”
“Oh.” She swallows. “That’s… that’s wonderful.”
“Yeah.” My tone is sharper this time when I say, “She’s been really great throughout all of this. I don’t know if I’d have been able to do it without her. Honestly, I don’t know that I’d still be here without her.”
“That’s great,” she says, but the fake smile’s back.
I grit my teeth, but before I can say something snarky, she adds, “I probably judged her too harshly before.”
“She’s a really good person. She’s just very protective of the people she loves.”
Her brows lift and she huffs a laugh. “I could tell. She’s had a lot to say about the way we’ve all treated you over the years.”
“If you think that’s bad, you should see what she’s like when someone’s mean to Ash,” I say, lifting my brows and taking a drink of my water.
She laughs. “I’d really like it if we could all sit down and talk sometime. I’d like to get to know her if you’re okay with that.”
I stare at her for a moment, trying to process this version of my mother. She’s never been this self-aware.
“You’re different.”
“Yeah, well, I think you going to rehab changed us all a little. After our meeting, I got into some therapy. I realized that I had some pretty big issues of my own.”
“That’s great.”
“Look, I know it’s going to take time, and you don’t owe me anything, but I would like to start over.
I know you’ve managed to figure everything out on your own, and you don’t need me, but I’d really like to be a part of your life.
I messed up a lot over the years, but you’re my son, and I do love you. I’m sorry that wasn’t clear before.”
I open my mouth, then close it. I don’t really know what to say. I’m not sure to what extent I’d want her in my life, but it feels nice to have the option. It was good to hear her say that she was proud of me, and I’m happy that she’s getting help too. I guess we’ll see how things go.
After lunch, I pull out my phone to text Gabe again on the way to my truck. We’ve barely spoken in the last couple of months, but I asked him to be my best man anyway. I know he’s pissed at me, but I can’t imagine anyone else doing it. He’s my best friend.
He’s been spending a lot of time with my sister. I knew he’d do the right thing if they gave him the chance. I should have fought harder to get Ash to tell him the truth, but it felt wrong in the moment, and I didn’t feel like it was my decision to make.
I should have known if it was what my mother thought was best, it was wrong.
I know he hates me because he feels like I stole years from him, and maybe I did.
We all did. I hope he lets it go eventually, though.
With that being said, I’m really proud of him for trying.
I know he’s got to have a lot of feelings about all of it, but he puts that away to have a relationship with Maggie.
We’ve all come a long way from the lost boys that were dumped into this life at eighteen.