45. Shane
Shane
December
Two months later…
We pull up in front of Gran’s where my sister is now living with my best friend. I wish I could say I hate that, but they seem to be really happy. It’s a little fast, but who am I to criticize. I was out of rehab all of a month before I asked Nik to marry me.
It’s hard for me, but I’ve been trying not to take responsibility for everyone else. Kristy would say that protecting Ash from whatever bad shit could happen is not on my shoulders, so I keep reminding myself of that.
Nik glances over at me with a soft smile. “Are we good?”
I nod.
We got in an argument before leaving the apartment. Honestly, I’m not sure what even started it, but somehow it turned into the same shit we always fight about.
My inability to love her enough, and her inability to believe anything I say.
It’s like the years of me choosing drugs over her have melted into this alternate reality where she’s incapable of believing that I am choosing her. That I want to be here more than anywhere else.
Sometimes it feels like we fight more now than we used to.
“I’m sorry I said all that shit. I didn’t mean it.”
I reach over and grab her hand. “I know.”
She huffs a laugh. “You know, I thought once you came home, everything would be better.”
“Yeah, I know. You could come with me to an appointment. Kristy said it would probably help us both navigate this shit.”
She sighs.
I’d like to just toss her in the car and drag her with me. I love Nik, but she’s stubborn as a mule, and no one’s going to convince her to try therapy again if she doesn’t want to.
“It’s fine. I just got wrapped up in my head. I’m working on it.” She leans back on the headrest, rolling her head toward me and smiling. “You ready?”
When I nod, Nik climbs out of the truck with the casserole dish of potatoes in her hand.
At least, I think it’s potatoes. Honestly, I love her, but she can’t cook to save her life.
She insisted on bringing something though.
I’ll tell you one thing, I’m not fucking eating it.
I’ve suffered through enough of her dishes.
I traipse across the yard, my boots leaving prints beside the others in the dusting of snow.
My stomach clenches as we walk up the stairs like it does every time I’ve stepped foot on this property since Gran died.
Part of me never wants to leave because it’s the place I feel closest, the other part feels like I might collapse into a heap at the front door and never get back up.
I miss her, and I’d give my right arm for her to see how hard I’m working to fix my life.
The door swings open, and Gabe stands just inside with a big smile. “Merry Christmas.”
He smiles like that all the time now. It’s fucking creepy.
My sister squeals from the kitchen. “Is that Nik? Tell her to come help me!”
“If you want it to be edible, you don’t want her help,” I mutter under my breath, but my wife hears me and elbows me in the stomach.
“Fuck off.” Then, she moves across the room, disappearing to the kitchen.
The living room’s noisy, but it’s good noise. Maggie plays with JT’s kids while he sits on the arm of the couch, talking to Jess and Lily, the latter on Theo’s lap.
Whatever my sister is cooking smells a hell of a lot better than whatever Nik put in that casserole dish.
“Hi, honey!” Colette beams, coming out of the kitchen with her arms out.
“Hi. How are you?”
She wraps me in a hug, rubbing her hand on my back. “I’m better now that all my boys are here.” She pulls back to take me in. “How are you?”
I nod and grin. “I’m good.” And for the first time in my life, I’m able to say that, and it’s not a lie.
It’s not that things are perfect, far from it really. But I haven’t thrown in the towel yet. And I think that’s all I can ask for.
“Oh! I’m just so proud of you.” She hugs me again.
She tells me that every time she sees me, but it feels good, so I don’t mind.
“Uncle Shane!” Maggie shouts, just noticing I’m here. She launches herself off the floor and races across the room before jumping into my arms.
I lift her. “Did you eat all those cookies you made yesterday, or did you save me one?”
She giggles. “I saved you a bunch!”
I wink before putting her down and moving to sit with the others.
“So, did you hear Lily went on a big date last night,” JT says, mischief painted on his face.
Lily shoots him a look. “Are you gonna tell everyone? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
He laughs. “I’m gonna keep bringing it up until you tell us who it was!”
She leans closer to him, cupping her hands like she’s going to tell him a secret, then shouts, “It’s none of your business, nosey ass!”
Jess rolls her lips under, a dimple popping up on her cheek.
“Lily, don’t waste your breath, he can’t help himself, he’s a fucking busybody.”
JT’s jaw drops. “That was rude.”
I shrug.
“Anyway, it was one date. I’m not gonna let you assholes blow it before it even starts.”
My eyes flick to Theo who’s being suspiciously quiet, even for him.
JT notices too and narrows his eyes.
Oh shit.
“You told Theo, didn’t you?” JT demands.
Lily rolls her eyes. “So what if I did.”
“Fine.” JT crosses his arms over his chest. “The next time you have one too many and can’t drive home, you can call Theo.”
She flicks a brow. “Fine.”
After dinner, I help Ash clean up before everyone gathers in the living room while the kids play in Maggie’s room.
Quietly, I step outside to smoke. The porch is like a portal to the most painful and beautiful parts of my memory.
I can almost see Gran and me sitting on the swing while she lectures me about my poor choices.
If she were here, I’d be able to sit right there and tell her she was right.
I could do it, and I have. I could tell her I’m so grateful for everything she did for me.
That I wouldn’t be the man I’m becoming without her.
I’d thank her for putting up with my bullshit and loving me when no one else did.
I light my cigarette and take a seat on the swing, letting the cool Carolina air nip at my face with every forward rock.
My gaze falls to the ash tray that’s now almost overflowing from all the butt’s I’ve dropped in there since she’s been gone.
I couldn’t bring myself to dump it. The day hers are no longer in there feels like closing the chapter.
It’s silly. Hoarding her old cigarette butts doesn’t make her any less gone, but it’s what I’ve held onto all of these months.
After finishing, I stub it out and vow to dump the tray next time before heading back inside.
As the door opens, I hear Ash say, “Wait, have you slept with all of them?”
Oh shit. I know where this is going.
Lily shrugs. “Not Shane. He’s a one-woman kind of guy.”
Nik beams at me as I flop down beside her on the floor.
“And JT only a few times and only both of them the once.”
Ash’s brows pinch. “Both of them?”
Lily realizes what she’s said, her eyes going wide as Gabe shoots her a look.
“Uh…”
Ash looks between them before putting the pieces together and whipping her head toward Gabe. “You had a threesome with Lily and JT?”
Before Gabe can respond JT says, “Why, baby girl? Jealous it wasn’t you? Cause we could probably make that happen too.”
Gabe’s nostrils flair. “Fuck no! And I suggest you shut the fuck up.”
Ash rolls her lips under, holding back a giggle.
“I dodged a bullet not sleeping with Shane really, though. I don’t know how Nik manages to walk after taking that massive—”
“Okay! Nope! I do not need to know anything about my brother’s dick.” Ash throws up her hands and jumps up, darting to the kitchen. “That’s where I draw the line!”
The room erupts into laughter.
“Do you know how to shut up? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Gabe snaps at Lily.
Lily narrows her eyes and flips him off.
“When are we startin’ the movie?” Ryker whines from behind the couch.
“I wanna sit with Aunt Nik!” Maggie shouts, racing toward her and flopping down on her lap.
“Hey! You don’t wanna sit with me?” Gabe asks, throwing out his arms.
Maggie giggles, shaking her head furiously.
Nik grins, quirking a brow. “Girl’s got better taste than her mom at least.”
Maggie promptly falls asleep in the middle of the movie, curled up on Nik’s lap. When the credits roll, she picks her up and packs her to bed.
I want that for us too.
I’ve had this thought before while watching Nik with my niece, but before getting clean, it felt impossible. Now, I can’t stop imagining our own little family.
Nik and I say our goodbyes before heading to the car.
Once we’re on the road, I turn down the radio and say, “We should have them.”
She doesn’t look up from scrolling on her phone. “Have what?”
“Kids.”
Her face falls as she lifts her gaze to me. “What?”
“Yeah. I want it all with you, Nikki. The house, the kids, the life. It’s our turn.”
She doesn’t say anything for a long beat before swallowing. “No.”
I’m not sure I heard her right at first until she adds, “I don’t want kids.”
“What do you mean? When we talked about it before, you said you did.”
She laughs. “Yeah. Six years ago. Things change.”
My heart sinks. “So, you’re not even willing to consider it?”
“There’s nothing to consider.” She shrugs, going back to scrolling. “I don’t want them. I’m happy the way we are.”