44. Nik
Nik
October
Shane’s been up my ass for the last few weeks since he found out I’d stopped taking my meds. Like I really needed one more person telling me I need help. The only thing I need is for them to all get off my case. Sometimes I think that’s the thing that’s stressing me out more than anything else.
“Katie?” I yell, entering her house and closing the door behind me.
She’s the only one of my friends who’s not related to Shane, making her the only person I can really talk to about him.
“Hey. Sorry, the house is a mess,” she says, strolling down the stairs in a pair of black yoga pants and an oversized gray T-shirt.
She’s got a kid on her hip and another clinging to her hand for dear life.
At the bottom of the steps, she puts the kid down and shoos them off to go play.
“Anyway, it’s good to see you. Are you freaking out yet? ”
Shane and I are getting married next week, and I’m nervous. I can’t explain it. It’s like there’s a haze looming over us. I know it’s probably just in my head and eventually, I’ll get past that feeling, but knowing that doesn’t calm my racing thoughts.
I follow her through the house to the living room. She swats toys off the couch before we both take a seat on opposite ends facing one another.
“I’m good. How are you?”
“I’m fine. It’s just been a long day.” She brushes a hair out of her face and grabs a coffee cup from the table behind her, making a face when she takes a sip. “Cold. Want some? I’ll make a new pot.”
I nod as she jumps up and heads to the kitchen. When she comes back with two coffee cups in hand, she flops down and asks, “Are you really okay?”
I take the steaming cup from her, and sigh. “Honestly, I don’t know.”
“Alright. Out with it. What the hell’s going on?”
“I don’t know. Things are just weird.” I rub my face. “I know it’s me that’s the problem, but I can’t help it. He came home from rehab and now everything’s different.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s just so chill now. He’s always so reasonable, and nice, and I feel bad when I lose my shit. It was one thing when we were both fucked in the head, but now it’s just me.”
She laughs. “You’re not fucked in the head. I get what you mean, though. I know I keep saying this, but therapy would probably help with that. Hell, you could probably both use some couples counseling or something.”
I drop my eyes to my hands. “I don’t know.”
“I know you’re tired of hearing it, but the last few years must have been tough for you. You went through a lot of shit with him. It’s normal for you to have feelings about it.”
“Yeah. It’ll be fine. I think I’m just still adjusting.”
“Nik—”
“I promise.” I throw up a defensive hand. “If it gets out of hand I’ll call and get in somewhere.”
She gives me sad eyes.
“I’m not against it. I’ve been in therapy before. It just didn’t really help in my situation like it seems to for other people.”
“It could have just been the person you were seeing.”
“Maybe.” I shrug. “Anyway, did you find a sitter for the wedding?”
The look on her face says she’s not thrilled to change the subject, but she doesn’t push anymore. “About that… I’m so sorry. I want to be there for you, but I don’t think it’s a good idea. JT and I aren’t in a good place right now. I just think it’s better if I stay away.”
I’d originally asked her to be in the wedding. I was dumbfounded when she said no, saying she didn’t want her bullshit with JT to bleed into my wedding stuff, and she just couldn’t guarantee it wouldn’t.
“What? JT can behave himself for one fucking night! You have to come.”
“It’s not just him. I can’t keep my temper in check when I’m around him. I want to rip his head off. We aren’t even speaking during drop-offs right now. He just pulls up out front, and the kids run out to him. It’s not good.”
“What happened? I thought you guys were working on things?”
“We were, but he’ll never grow up, and I don’t want to live that life anymore.
I think that’s why I’m so pissed. I want to be with him.
I love him, but every time we try to make it work it’s the same.
I hate it, but that’s just how he is I guess.
” She shrugs, but her eyes turn glossy. “I just wanted him to be here. I get that he has the club, and I would never ask him to quit, but I just wanted us to come first. I didn’t even care that he didn’t help out around the house or anything.
I just wanted him to be here at night. The kids miss him when he’s not around, and it’s exhausting because they don’t understand when he doesn’t come home until after they’re already in bed. ”
“That sucks. I’m sorry.”
She shakes her head. “It’s fine. I just need to move on. I can’t stay trapped in this cycle. I told him that, and it got pretty nasty. I just think it’s too soon for me to be around him. I’m sorry.”
“I get it.”
“Plus…” She grins. “I heard about him and Shane’s stepsister. I’d hate to beat the shit out of a bridesmaid at the wedding.”
I laugh. “I wouldn’t worry about it. Jess doesn’t date. She’ll probably act like he doesn’t exist at the wedding.”
Katie nods. “JT’s not a bad guy, but we aren’t good for each other. We never really have been honestly, but now I have those two to think about, and I don’t want them to grow up thinking this bullshit’s normal.”
Katie’s words have stuck with me for days. Is that what’s wrong with me? Did I just get so used to the bullshit that I don’t even know what normal is anymore?
I’m on my way to the clubhouse to help set up for our rehearsal dinner which is kind of a stupid concept. We’ve all been to weddings before. How fucking hard is it to walk down the aisle, say I do, and walk back.
But Colette insisted on planning it for us, so we’re doing it.
If that wasn’t bad enough, Ash talked me into wearing this dumb, frilly white dress. I feel like I belong in a music box, not the fucking clubhouse.
As I pull into the parking lot, I’m not surprised to see Ash’s car already here. She’s a real overachiever, that one.
When I walk in, she’s standing near the bar talking to Colette.
“Oh! Sweetheart, you don’t have to be here so early! We can handle this,” Colette says, spotting me.
The dinner starts in a hour, and Colette told me and Shane to show up just a little bit early, but it felt weird to be just sitting at the apartment while they do everything.
“That’s okay. I don’t mind.” I grin. “Shane went to pick up the suits with Gabe, so I don’t have anything else to do.”
“They’re just now picking them up?” Ash asks.
“You know your brother.”
Ash wraps her arms around me. “How are you feeling? Cold feet yet?”
I want to tell her that’s an understatement, but instead I say, “I’m good. Just ready to do this.”
It’s not that I don’t want to marry him. I do more than anything, but things just still feel so unsteady. I can’t help but think maybe we’re rushing it, and that sounds so stupid because we’ve been together for seven years, but this is the first time he’s been clean.
“Wait until you see what Maggie’s wearing tonight. We got matching dresses, and she looks so cute.”
I force a smile and say, “I’m sure.”
“Oh, shit!” Her eyes widen. “I forgot the flowers for the head table! Damn it. Okay, I’m gonna run back to Gran’s and I’ll be right back.”
“You’re fine, honey.” Colette waves a hand. “Take your time.”
Just as Ash jogs out the door, Colette places a hand on my arm. “You good?”
“Yeah. I’m great.”
She eyes me like she doesn’t believe it. “It’s completely normal to be nervous. Especially after everything you two have been through.”
I don’t say anything, so she adds, “Hell, if you decided to call the whole thing off and give yourself a little more time to figure everything out, that’d be okay too.”
“No.” I shake my head. “It’s not that. I think it’s just the regular cold feet thing.”
“Okay. I’m just saying. Shane loves you. You should talk to him if you’re not okay.”
The evening whizzes by like a blur as we line out all of the details of the ceremony before having dinner.
Just as everyone finishes eating and starts to clean up, Shane squeezes my knee under the table. “You okay?”
I nod. “Yeah. It’s just… a lot.”
He huffs a laugh. “Yeah. Maybe we should have just eloped.”
“It’s not too late.” I tease. “We could jump on the road and head to Vegas.”
“I’m down. As long as it ends with you taking my last name, I’m happy.” He leans forward, pressing a kiss to my lips, and my shoulders relax for the first time all night.
I think I’ve somehow lost sight of what this is all about. I love him, more than anything. Marrying him is all I’ve wanted from the moment we started. And I’m letting my stupid nerves ruin that for me.
“Colette has gone through a lot of trouble to put this together. We should probably just stay and get married here.”
He grins and kisses me again before saying, “Probably.”
As we’re cleaning up, shouting rings out before everyone scuffles toward the door.
Just as I step outside, Shane’s standing over a man I know is his dad from the pictures at Gran’s. I know that look on his face. Shane’s checked out, no longer in the driver’s seat, and my heart thumps in my chest as I sprint toward him, grab his arm, and yank him back.
“Shane, stop!”
He stumbles but doesn’t take his eyes off his dad.
Pulling a gun from his waistband, he points it at the man.
“Big man.” Adam spits onto the concrete, a bloody grin spreading across his face. “Gonna shoot your own dad?”
That’s exactly what he’ll do. The rage that simmers under his skin is boiling over in waves, and the handgun shakes in his grip.
“He’s not worth it!” Not worth our life. I just got him back, and his dad is going to take that from us. “Listen!”
He doesn’t move, his gaze burning into the older version of himself. It’s eerie the resemblance between them, but even without knowing the man I can tell Shane’s nothing like him. There’s a coldness about the man snarling from the ground that Shane’s never processed even on his darkest day.
“You really are a worthless piece of shit!”
That must be the voice he hears in his head in the quiet moments. That self-loathing he does so well isn’t self-inflicted at all really.
“You boys are gonna get what’s coming for you. Mark my words.”
His nostrils flare, and his grip tightens on the gun.
“Shane!” My voice cracks this time as I place a hand on his arm. “Please stop!”
He sucks in a sharp breath, breaking his gaze as his eyes flick back to me. Finally, he lowers the gun.
Grabbing his face, I stare into his eyes as my sight blurs and my hands shake.
“Don’t come back here. You’re not welcome,” he mutters before charging back toward the building.
I follow, my steps quickening until we make it to the bar. He flops down on a stool and lifts his eyes to the ceiling.
So slowly, as if approaching a baby deer, I step into him and wrap my arms around his neck as a tear trickles down my cheek.
Cradling his face, I say, “I’m so proud of you.”
He doesn’t say anything, just shakes his head. I pull him into me, running my fingers through his hair and whispering, “I got you.”
He tilts his head back and captures my mouth, grabbing my ass and pulling me onto his lap.
“You wanna get out of here?”
The corner of his mouth lifts.
It takes all of about twenty minutes for us to say our goodbyes and scurry out of the building.
“Isn’t it bad luck for me to see you the day of our wedding?”
“It’s not our wedding day yet,” I grin, climbing onto the back of his bike.
He squeezes my thigh. “It will be before I’m done with you.”
Somewhere between the rehearsal dinner and the apartment, any tension I was feeling evaporates, leaving me on cloud nine.
The superstition about it being bad luck to see each other on the wedding day must be just that because even after we wake next to one another, the day goes off without a hitch—everything I hoped it’d be.
It’s like our lives finally have come full circle. We’ve had our problems over the last few weeks, but our wedding day feels like a dream.
He’s finally mine.
“Good morning, Mrs. Michaels,” he says, rolling over to face me the next morning and running a hand through my hair.
“Good morning,” I whisper, feeling like I’ve woken up in a dream.
It all feels too surreal. I just can’t believe we’ve made it. The morning light streams in from the window, drenching us both in a sunlight that really compliments the newlywed glow. His sleepy smile warms my heart, and I think this may be the happiest I’ve ever felt in my whole life.
“We’re married,” he says, grinning.
“Yep. It’s crazy, huh?”
“Nah, I always knew you were the one.” He winks.
“Yeah, but you didn’t know we’d end up here. You never wanted to get married, remember?”
“Yeah, I was lying to myself. I might not have wanted to get married, but the day I met you, I knew I wanted you to be my wife one day.”
He leans up on an elbow and kisses me.
Have you ever heard someone say they were love drunk? That’s how I feel right now. It almost just doesn’t feel real.