24. Emery #2
He seemed so happy and carefree. It was nice to see that he wasn’t bogged down with worries like I was. To him, what we had was the start of a new potential relationship.
I had to be the idiot who over thought, over analyzed, and overreacted to everything. This relationship held so much weight in my life and I felt as if it were crushing me.
Needing something to do, I turned and made my way to the elevator. For a moment, I felt Noah’s fingers brush mine as if he were asking for permission to hold it. I wanted to give in. I wanted to be brave and continue being open like I had last night, but I was too scared.
So I pretended that I didn’t notice and instead, reached that handout to press the down button. Then, I folded my arms and stared at the doors, waiting for them to open.
Noah was confused. He kept glancing down at me with his eyebrows drawn together. I forced my shoulders to remain relaxed as I pretended that I didn’t notice. I’d rather him think that I was indifferent then for him to pick up on the hurricane of confusion that raged inside of me.
We stayed silent as we rode the elevator to the lobby.
When we got to the car, I opened the passenger door and slid onto the seat where I buckled.
Noah did the same and then started the engine.
We idled in the parking spot and I could feel tension surround us.
He knew that something was up and now there was a ticking time bomb between us.
I couldn’t keep this facade up forever.
“Everything okay?” His voice was low and cautious.
His question made me hate myself even more.
He was innocent in this whole situation.
He’d done nothing wrong. He never forced me further than I was comfortable.
If anything, I should be embarrassed. I should feel ashamed.
I’d always been the instigator, wanting to fix what was broken inside of me and using Noah to do that.
Damn Abigail and her use him talk.
I’d never been so brazen with someone else’s feelings and somehow, I’d lost myself in all of this. Noah wasn’t a pawn and yet I’d been content with using him as such.
It didn’t matter that he seemed to be okay with my proposals. I’d trapped him in an impossible situation. Did he honestly feel like he could say no? Walk away? Choose something else for himself?
Realizing that he was waiting for a response, I forced a smile and nodded. “Yes,” I lied. I held his gaze so he wouldn’t doubt my words.
He studied me and I could see doubt in his eyes. I hated that he’d been around long enough to know me that intimately. He knew when I wasn’t being truthful and that thought made me feel exposed and vulnerable.
And yet, there was no other man besides Carson that I trusted to handle those intricacies. Noah had slowly become the person who knew me. Who understood me. Who I let in.
If only I hadn’t trapped him into this life at the start, where we were now could be different. My feelings could mean something. That our relationship could be real.
Thankfully, he didn’t say anything more.
Instead, he put the car into reverse and pulled out of the parking spot.
We drove in silence over to the diner. After he parked, we climbed out of the car at the same time.
Noah waited for me at the hood of the car and then we walked side by side up to the door.
He held it open for me, his hand placed at the top of the door so I could walk in.
I tried to ignore the way my heart pounded as I passed by him.
All I wanted to do was lean into my feelings for him.
To leap into a life with Noah by my side.
I just, couldn’t ignore the guilt. I couldn’t pretend that I wasn’t the villain in this story.
I wanted Noah to want to be with me. To want to make a life together.
He might be fine with moving forward, but I would always wonder if he would have picked a different path if given the chance.
“Mommy!”
Timothy’s voice was like a soothing balm to my soul. I scanned the diner and my heart sang when it landed on him. He was standing on the booth, waving his hands. Abigail was frantically trying to get him to sit down.
I smiled, grateful for the distraction my son gave. This was exactly what I needed to force myself to stop thinking.
“Bubba!”
I nodded at the hostess and pointed to the table to which she waved us through.
I hurried over to him and pulled him into a hug.
He squeezed me back for exactly one second before he was pushing me away and trying to wiggle out of my grasp.
I held him a bit longer before I finally let him go.
He glared at me before he collapsed onto the booth.
I scooted him over so I could join him. With Abigail and Bash in the booth across of us, Noah was forced to find a chair and sit at the end of the table. I tried to ignore the way his knees bumped mine. We had to share a menu, which brought us closer together than I was comfortable with.
By the time the waitress delivered our drinks and our food was ordered, I was ready to call it a day and head back to my hotel room where I was determined to hide out for the rest of existence. I was too confused and too heartbroken to think clearly anymore.
“So what’s the plan for today?” Abigail asked. She brought her gaze up to meet mine after taking a sip of her water.
Decision fatigue took over. The last thing I needed was for everyone to wait on what I wanted to do. I much preferred Abigail taking charge and dictating what we were going to do.
Timothy was on his knees next to me. He was squirming but Abigail’s question had him settling. “I wanna go swimming,” he whispered in my ear.
I nodded in acknowledgment, but I wasn’t ready to fully answer his request. There were too many memories wrapped up in the hotel’s pool.
From the chicken game we played last time we were in Harmony, to Marco Polo last night.
Add the make out session in the hot tub that followed and I wasn’t sure I could ever walk back into that place.
Man, I was a bad mom. I couldn’t take my son to the place that he loved because I allowed it to become haunted with memories of Noah. In this situation, I’d only thought about myself.
“We have the dress, cake, and flowers. Do we need a DJ?” I asked, ready to move Timothy away from the pool talk and focus on something else.
“We could definitely get a DJ. Or a pianist. It’s a small ceremony so—”
“Daddy, I want to go swimming.” Timothy’s loud and straightforward sentence had us all turning to look at him.
At first, my brain struggled to process what he’d said. I heard the swimming part, but it was the first word that had short circuited my processing ability. I glanced at Abigail and Bash who seemed equally as startled.
“What did you say?” I asked. My head was muddied and my voice didn’t sound like it came from my mouth. Instead, it was like I was standing outside of my body, listening to the conversation taking place.
“I want to go swimming,” Timothy said as he jutted out his jaw. He did not like being ignored.
“I heard that, what was the first part?”
Timothy paused. “Daddy?” His gaze was on Noah now.
So I had heard him right. I started at him, letting that title settle around me. Then I slowly turned to Noah. He looked as equally startled. His eyes were wide and his gaze was focused on Timothy before he slowly moved his attention to me.
“I—I—” No words followed. He just sat there, his jaw slacked and his body stiff.
That word seemed to have the same effect on him as it did on me.
“Timothy, why would you use that word?”
Thank goodness for Abigail. Her startled expression morphed into one of curiosity as she focused on Timothy.
Timothy seemed unfazed by the word and how it made all of the adults at the table act. He’d reached out and slowly started pulling his straw’s wrapper off in chunks.
“Bluey has a dad who lives with her. Noah lives with us.” He glanced up at Abigail first, then me, and then finally to Noah. “Is Noah my dad?”
My entire body felt numb. I felt like a failure. In my efforts to heal my broken heart, I hadn’t talked about Carson enough. Even though I found out that I was pregnant after Carson’s death, I should have done more to remind Timothy of who his father was.
Now my son was out in the world trying to draw connections for a situation he should never have had to figure out on his own.
“Noah’s not your dad, honey,” Abigail said, as she pointed at Noah.
Fear clung to my chest. This was too much. All of it. Falling for Noah. Kissing Noah. Faking a relationship with Noah. And now trying to explain to my son why the man his mother is about to marry, who spent more time with him than his biological father, was not in fact his daddy.
“We need to go,” I whispered.
Tears brimmed my eyes as I scrambled to exit the booth. Noah was a second behind me and in my haste, my leg caught on his. I braced myself for impact as my body took a dive forward. Noah’s hands grabbed my arms, halting me from tumbling face first into the table across from us.
Adrenaline had my heart pounding as I forced my feet under me. I straightened, shaking off Noah’s arms.
“Come on, Timothy,” I said as I turned and held out my hand for him to grab.
Timothy looked confused as he studied me. My feelings must have been evident on my face because his expression fell and he didn’t put up a fight as he took my hand and allowed me to lead him out of the booth.
“Emery.”
Abigail’s voice was soft, but I held up my hand to stop her. This wasn’t the place or time.
“We’re just going to go back to the hotel and order in some food,” I said, purposely keeping my gaze forward.