25. Emery
EMERY
It had been a few hours since I’d ran away from the diner and I was lounging on the bed while Timothy watched his show, unable to fully relax.
Every noise from my phone had my body twitching in response.
It always ended up being some news alert or junk email, but with every sound, my mind instantly conjured up that it was a message from Abigail or worse… Noah.
I was impressed with her restraint. I knew Bash had something to do with fact that she waited this long to reach out to me. I was relieved when I finally got her message. I was too embarrassed to reach out to her so I was grateful that she made the first move.
A second text came in.
I pulled my phone off my chest and glanced down at the screen.
An episode of Timothy’s show had come to an end and even though he let the next one start, I could tell by the increase in movement on his side of the bed, he was only going to last an episode more.
He was going to want to get out of the room eventually.
I don’t know what happened earlier, but I’m here if you want to talk.
I jutted out my bottom lip as guilt coated my chest all over again. Abigail was good to me. I knew she was dying to find out why I hightailed it out of the restaurant, but she knew better than to push me. She was a good friend while I was the worst person ever.
I was certain that I was never going to get the pained look in Noah’s gaze as I walked away from him out of my head.
It was seared onto my brain. I wasn’t sure how I would ever face him again.
I was the textbook definition of hot and cold.
I hated that I’d dragged him into this fake marriage only to run away at the end.
I dropped my gaze to read the second text.
If you want us to take Timothy so you can have some time to think, we can pop over at any time. Seriously.
I glanced over at Timothy who was now laying on his stomach with his chin propped up in his hands and his legs drawn up at a ninety-degree angle with his feet swishing in the air above him. My heart swelled at love for this kid.
He deserved the world. He deserved a more well-adjusted mother.
He deserved siblings and to not be alone.
He deserved…a dad. He would always be Carson’s son, but Carson wasn’t here.
And no matter how much I wished for that to be different, it would never bring Carson back to us.
It would only deny Timothy the full life he deserved.
I set my phone down on the nightstand next to me and then pushed myself up until I was sitting against the headboard. I drew my knees to my chest and hugged them. I studied Timothy as thoughts and questions swirled around in my head.
“Are you happy, bubba?” I asked.
It took a second for Timothy to look back at me. Whatever was going on in his show had his full attention and was more interesting than talking to me.
“Huh?” he asked, scrunching up his nose.
“Are you happy?”
He frowned. “Yeah,” he said as his gaze slipped back to the TV.
That was too broad of a question. It was better to ask him a direct questions.
“Bubba, do you like Noah?” My chest squeezed around my heart as those words left my lips. I knew whatever his answer was, it would leave me feeling raw and vulnerable.
What if he really liked Noah? What if he wanted Noah to be his dad?
Right now, I could use the excuse that I was protecting my son for the reason I was pulling back.
That I couldn’t continue this charade if it was going inevitably hurt Timothy.
I didn’t know what I would do if he wanted Noah in his life and I was the person standing in his way.
If I was the only person who was too scared to commit.
He glanced back at me and nodded. “Yeah,” he said as he started to kick his feet again. “He’s cool.”
I released my hold on my knees so I could sit crisscross on the bed. I reached out and started to smooth the material of the comforter with my hand. “You called him daddy earlier.”
Timothy’s gaze was back on the screen, but his nod told me he was still listening.
“You know you have a daddy, right?” I could never allow Carson to be forgotten. It was my duty to keep his memory alive. But I also didn’t want to confuse Timothy.
He didn’t answer me right away and I feared that I’d failed my family. But then he nodded.
“Daddy that’s in heaven?” he asked as he looked at me from over his shoulder.
I nodded, tears brimming my eyes. “Yes. Daddy that’s in heaven.”
“Yeah, I know about him.” His attention was back on the screen. “But, he can’t play with me in the pool.”
My emotions were too raw and a tear slipped down my cheek. “No, he can’t.” I swallowed against the emotions in my throat. They choked me and made my voice come out deep and raspy. I was such a mess. I needed to get it together.
“Do you want that? A daddy who can play with you in the pool?”
Timothy stilled. His feet stopped moving. His body tensed, but his focus remained on the TV. It was like he had to halt all movement so he could process my question. Then, he started to move again.
“Yeah.” It was soft but clear and made me feel terrible about my freakout earlier.
Timothy wanted a father son relationship. He’d been clear the moment he called Noah daddy, that’s what he wanted. He was a little boy who lost his father and was just trying to make sense of his world.
And I was the selfish mother who couldn’t get out of her own way long enough to give her son what he needed. What he wanted.
I blew out my breath and reached for my phone. I swiped on the screen and found Abigail’s texts. I stared at the blank text box as I formulated my response and then began to type.
I need to talk. Meet me at the hotel in thirty minutes?
The number of times the three little dots appeared and disappeared on the screen was comical.
I could only imagine how Abigail was acting.
I’m sure she was talking at full speed to Bash—probably telling him that she was right, she should have reached out to me sooner—until finally, her response came through.
I’ll be there. Bash can take Timothy out if you want.
I sent her a thumbs up.
With my afternoon plan solidified, I rolled off the bed and headed into the bathroom. I took some time, refreshing my make-up that definitely looked slept in. I styled my hair in soft curls. I turned off the bathroom light just as there was a knock on the door.
I walked over and pulled open the door, exposing Abigail and Bash on the other side.
“Come on in,” I said as I moved back into the room so I could unstick Timothy from the TV and get him ready.
Abigail entered, but Bash, being Bash, lingered in the open doorway. Timothy protested when I raised the remote and powered the TV off. But as soon as he saw that Abigail and Bash were here, he jumped off the bed and hurried to slip on his shoes.
“Are we going swimming?” he asked.
“Bash is going to take you to the beach,” Abigail said and clapped her hands for emphasis.
“The beach sounds nice,” I said as I eyed my flats and decided to go with sandals. It had been a while since I walked through the sand with bare feet. It sounded like the kind of grounding my body was desperate for.
“You want to go to the beach too?” Abigail sounded surprised.
I nodded. “Yeah.” Sun and waves seemed like the perfect antidote to my mood.
“Oh, okay.” She smiled down at Timothy. “I guess we’re all going.”
“I’ll get my trunks on,” Timothy said as he grabbed one of his many pairs and sprinted into the bathroom like he was worried we would change our mind if he took too long.
With Timothy gone, it was just Abigail and I. Bash was currently leaning on the door frame, scrolling on his phone. I could feel Abigail’s gaze on me. She had so many questions but was doing her best to keep them inside.
The sound of a door opening had us all lifting our gazes to the hallway.
“Noah.” Bash nodded in the direction of Noah’s room.
I thought I’d heard him come back earlier, but I didn’t go to verify.
Now that he was in the hallway, my heart began to pound with anticipation.
This was the first time I was going to see him since I ran out during breakfast. Embarrassment and pain warmed my skin and I knew I should keep my gaze down, but I couldn’t help myself.
I wanted to see him.
“Bash.” Noah’s voice was deep and familiar. He appeared for a brief moment as he walked by my open door.
He never looked inside and he was gone before I could fully process that fact.
In our past interactions, Noah would always find me in any room.
His gaze would always ask me if I was okay before he’d move on.
Seeing him but not seeing him made my insides twist. Fear that things would never be the same between us made my breath catch in my throat.
“You okay?”
Abigail’s voice made it through the ringing in my ears. I glanced up to see her step toward me. She saw my reaction to Noah and she knew what that meant without me verifying her assumption.
I was both in love and broken hearted.
Tears brimmed my eyes as I shook my head. In my efforts to protect my heart, my head, and my son, I made the wrong choice. Maybe with time, I could learn to move on from Noah. I did it with Carson. Losing him was the hardest thing I’d ever gone through and that was with the finality of death.
How was I going to move on when Noah was still here? Breathing? Heart beating? Living?
I’d spent the morning scared of what loving him would do to me that I didn’t entertain the thought of what I was going to do once he was gone.
Noah had been in my life long enough to change me. I’d forgotten how to be alone. He’d given the taste of companionship and now that I’d pushed him away, I realized how dependent I’d become on him.
I didn’t want to be alone anymore, I just didn’t know how to love without the fear of loss. Before Carson, I lived freely. I didn’t understand the consequences of loving. Now, I was acutely aware of what could be taken from me and I knew if that happened again, I would shatter.