25. Emery #2
Abigail closed the gap between us and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I tensed from her touch, but she didn’t let that stop her. She pulled me in for a hug. I hated that I was this weak. I hated it when people hugged me when I was trying to keep it together.
I wanted to be stronger and if I couldn’t make that a reality, I wanted to fake it by ignoring my feelings. But with Abigail standing here, looking at me like that, pulling me close like she was, I couldn’t pretend anymore.
“Don’t think anymore. Get your swimsuit on and let’s go to the beach.” Abigail pulled back, her gaze focused on me as she nodded her head like she’d already anticipated my resistance to her words.
I held her gaze before I slowly started to nod. “Okay,” I whispered.
Timothy was dressed and chatting with Bash, so with my swimsuit in hand, I headed into the bathroom. I kept my thoughts benign as I changed and pulled a terry cloth cover over my suit. After fastening my hair into a messy bun, I opened the door and stepped out.
Bash and Abigail around kept the conversation light as we made our way to their car. Mostly, they engaged Timothy by asking him dinosaur questions on the way to the beach. The sun was shining down on us—a good omen—as Bash parked the car and we all piled out.
We had to hurry to keep up with Timothy.
He was trying to walk but was mostly running to the beach.
As soon as he got to the sand, he kicked off his flip flops and left them strewn about.
I contemplated calling him back to pick them up, but he was already halfway to the water by the time I parted my lips to call out to him.
So I just shook my head and bent down to pick up the left shoe while Abigail retrieved the right one.
Bash had kept pace with Timothy and by the time I looked up, they were both in the water.
I turned Timothy’s shoe around in my hand a few times as Abigail approached me.
She stood there in silence, but I knew she wanted to speak.
She had questions for me and from her anxious energy, she wasn’t going to rest until she got answers.
“Thanks for taking us to the beach,” I said.
I squinted against the sunlight as I glanced up at her. I offered her a soft smile, but that wasn’t going to appease her curiosity. There was no way we weren’t going to have the conversation that she was dying to have.
“Of course…” Her voice trailed off.
I dropped my gaze back to Timothy’s shoe and then sighed. It was going to be awkward and weird, but now was better than ever. Plus, there was a part of me that wanted to know if Noah hated me now. Maybe if he did, it would make all of this turmoil inside of me easier.
“How were things after I left this morning?” I whispered.
“I’m sorry.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw Abigail lean closer. I took in a deep breath and asked again, this time more direct.
“Was Noah mad that I ran off this morning?” Unable to meet her gaze, I focused on the shore in front of us. Timothy had made his way out into the water and was now a bouncing dot, trying to keep from being taken out by a wave.
“Noah mad?”
Abigail’s clarifying question confused me. I glanced over to her and nodded.
Her eyebrows were drawn together as she studied me. It was like I’d asked her the question in another language. “Noah’s not mad at you.” She shook her head. “That man loves you.”
Her words slammed into me like a freight train. I wanted to drop my gaze. I wanted to protect myself, but I couldn’t move. Those words were all I wanted to hear and yet, I physically couldn’t process them.
She raised her eyebrows for emphasis. “I told you that he liked you and this morning at breakfast, he confirmed it.”
I swallowed, my throat raw from constant exposure of my emotions. “He—” I cleared my throat. “He said that?” My brain was telling me not to clarify, but I couldn’t help myself. For some asinine reason, I needed to know if what she said was true.
Abigail studied me before she blew out her breath and shook her head. “You Torres’s. It’s like you can’t see what’s standing right in front of you.”
I held up my hand. “Hey, now. I’m a married into the Torres family.”
Abigail’s expression deadpanned as she turned her focus back to me.
“Po-tAto, Po-tOto.” She shook her head. “You’re all the same.
” She studied me for a moment before a soft smile returned.
“Look, I get it. You’re all hurting. But being the person who’s standing outside, knocking on the door, wanting to love you…
” She paused and closed her eyes. “It’s not easy. ”
Memories of her and Bash’s romance washed over. Regret that I’d had a hand in her pain squeezed my chest. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt anyone. If anything, I wanted to keep people from hurting.
Maybe it was because I lived with grief every day.
I knew what pain felt like. It rented a room next to me and moved in unannounced.
If I could keep someone from feeling the kind of pain I felt on a regular basis, then I would do everything in my power to do that.
Even if it meant jeopardizing my own wants in the process.
“Oh, Emery.”
Her words were followed by her two arms wrapping around me and pulling me close. Her hug was tight as she held me. “Girl, you love him, too.”
Heat pricked my skin. I wanted to say that it was from the sun or unseasonably warm weather. I wanted to say it was because Abigail was holding me. But deep down, I knew why I was reacting this way.
Her words were true.
I loved Noah.
I loved him and loving him scared me.
When I didn’t respond, she took a step back. Her expression was one of worry as she studied my face. I forced a soft smile, not wanting her to think that I was somehow upset with her. I was overwhelmed with this realization and what it meant for me and my little family.
“It’s okay to love Noah,” she said as she held my gaze. “From what Bash has said about Carson, he would have wanted you to find someone. He wouldn’t have wanted you to be alone.”
His letter came rushing back to me. His concern. His worry. The way he was still looking after me from the grave. Carson knew me better than anyone else. Maybe…maybe he sent Noah to me as well.
“I don’t want to hurt him.” My confession was soft and my words got lost in the wind whipping around us.
I was thankful that Abigail heard me and wasn’t going to make me say it again.
“That’s the risk of loving someone.” Her smile was soft. “You understand that more than anyone.”
Tears flooded my eyes once more. I’d once hoped that grief would eventually fade. That one day, I would wake up healed from the constant pain that pulsed through my veins. But every day, grief remained.
It was there in the lonely hours of the morning. It was there in the way Timothy smiled at me with his grey blue eyes that matched Carson’s perfectly. It was there in the moments when I realized I was forgetting Carson’s voice or the feeling of his fingers entwined with mine.
It was strange to hurt when I remembered him while at the same time, it hurt because I was forgetting him.
“Tell Noah how you feel. Let him make the choice. If he’s worried about getting hurt, he’ll walk away.” That statement had me snapping my attention to her. “I don’t think that he will do that,” she hurried to add.
She held my gaze like she wanted me to feel the weight of her words. “I would never give you false hope. I wouldn’t tell you that he loved you if I wasn’t one hundred percent certain that he did and all he wants to do is stay.”
I chewed my bottom lip, unsure of what to think or what to say. So many feelings coursed through me and I was attempting to figure out which one I was going to cling to.
Abigail waved her hands. “Let’s go swimming. Spend some time with Timothy. Free your mind for a few hours and then decide how you feel.”
I frowned. “But what if Noah leaves?”
She scoffed and shook her head. “That man will be there until the moment you tell him to go away.” She paused. “And probably a bit after that as well.” She held my gaze. “He will wait for you until you are ready. I promise you that.”
I studied her, my head swimming and my heart pounding. Part of me wanted to run to him. The other part of me wanted to hide. Maybe it was a good idea to spend some simple time swimming and playing with Timothy.
Later, I would decide if I was going to be vulnerable. Later, I would decide if I was going to knock on our adjoining door and tell him how I felt.
Later, I would decide if I was strong enough to love Noah like I so desperately wanted to.