Chapter 59 Tater Tots
TATER TOTS
MOLLY
My hand is sweating and shaky inside Grey's as we walk through the hospital from the check in desk toward Danny Miller's room.
Somehow, I still don't know how I got here. The last twenty-four hours have been so disorienting, I don't know how to act or who to be or what to expect as I move from point to point, marked by the hours, my hand in Grey's.
He glances down at me. "You ready for this?"
I hold the silence for a moment, thinking through my many, many worries. "What if I don't know what to say? What if I don't feel anything? What if I feel too much?"
"There aren't any rules, peaches. There's no right or wrong way to feel. Whatever happens, you'll learn what you came to find out."
I nod, my face tight with worry as we approach his room. And then he comes into view through the open doorway where I hesitate. He's in bed, IV in his arm, bandaged, bruised. Pale. But his eyes are alive when he sees me.
"Molly?" he asks like he can't believe it.
I'm frozen for a beat. And then I feel Grey's hand come to rest in the small of my back. With it, I find the courage to step into the room. The man--Danny, Dad?--and I watch each other as I approach the bed slowly.
"Molly girl?" he asks again. "Are you all right? Are you hurt?"
I shake my head, fighting tears. "No. I'm okay."
"Your wrists," he mutters, his hand rising as if to touch me, but it pauses. Lowers again.
So I sit on the edge of the bed and take his hand, big and rough. He has a freckle on top that matches mine.
I remember.
"Are you okay?" I ask.
He lets out a gravelly laugh, tears clinging to his bottom lids, and squeezes my hand. "Never been better."
"What did…what did the doctor say?"
He sighs. "The boy missed my guts by an inch. Nicked a little artery in there that made it look worse than it is, but they wanted to keep me here and make sure for a night. Got all kinda stitched up. No, don't cry, honey. I'll be okay."
I can't help it. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you got hurt. I'm glad you're okay. I'm--I'm--"
"I know. I know it. I'm just glad you're safe.
I noticed him once--I walk by sometimes, just daydreaming, wishing, mostly.
I saw the boy skulking around one day, but he had a key, and y'all being friends and all, I thought he had your blessing to be there.
" He shakes his head. "I kept an eye on him though.
He'd go in and put books on your shelves, poke around in the kitchen, leave you things.
Weird, but not…I didn't think dangerous.
And I couldn't exactly knock on your door and warn you--you didn't know me from Adam.
I thought about telling your boyfriend, but then I'd have to explain who I was and why I was watching your house.
Should have done it anyway. Should have figured out a way.
But I didn't think he had it in him to do something like this. "
"You've been watching me."
A nod. Regret. "I have. I knew you didn't know about me and didn't know how to tell you.
Hoped to just get to know you as a townie, but…
" He smirks a little and flicks his jaw at Grey.
"It's always been hard to get close to you.
I'm content at a distance. Just seeing your face, knowing you're happy…
it's more than I've had to go on for a long time. Does it…did I scare you?"
"I didn't think much of you, but Grey wasn't happy."
" I have to thank him. He might have saved all of us.
" They nod at each other. "But I wasn't camping out in your yard or anything, honey, just so you know.
I'd see you at baseball games or fairs or whatever town event, the Horseshoe, but I just wanted to know you're alright.
And I hoped someday, I'd find a way to get to know you in a way that wouldn't scare you off.
I…I didn't even have hope for that much until you moved away from Louisville. "
I look him over--ruggedly handsome, weathered skin, square jaw dusted with stubble, but withered a touch with age. In his day, he must have been something else. For a moment I imagine him and my mother together, and it makes sense to me in a way I didn't realize my dad doesn't.
I don't know Dad at all, I realize. I'm not sure if I know Mom either.
"Would you…would you tell me what happened? With Mom?"
"You want the story from the beginning, or just where it pertains to you?"
"All of it."
He draws a heavy breath and nods, squeezing my hand. "Okay."
For a moment, he just looks at me, really looks, like he's memorizing my face. Like he's been waiting twenty years to tell this story and doesn't know what to say now that he's here.
"Okay," he says again, softer this time.
Another breath. "Your mom and dad hadn't been married long when we met.
I'm a friend of Carol's, your mom's cousin--she worked in the quarry with a bunch of us.
Used to go to the same dive after work, and sometimes, your mom would come have drinks with Carol.
I don't know how it happened. Second I saw her, I knew I was doomed.
In another life…" I feel his sigh in my soul.
"I knew she was married, but she wasn't happy, not happy enough to stay away from me, at least. I loved her.
Wanted her to leave him, especially when we found out about you.
She hadn't slept with your father in half a year by then.
But in the end, she wasn't leaving the guy with the salary for the one punching a time clock.
"Your daddy hated me, of course. I hated him too.
But one thing about your mama is that she wants to do what's right.
And she did what she thought was right, what she thought was best for you.
I wasn't on your birth certificate, didn't have any claims to you--your daddy was in the room when you were born, not me.
So they put his name on there, and I was at your mama's mercy.
When you were a baby, Catie would bring you to see me, but your daddy wasn't keen on that.
When you were a toddler, she'd let you come stay with me sometimes.
And when you started kindergarten, we made a deal--I'd pick you up from school and keep you until she got home from work.
Rearranged my schedule to take an early shift so I could be off in time to get you.
And we'd have a ball. Go to the park. Spoil your dinner with ice cream.
Didn't matter what we did. Those days gave me a purpose.
You were my whole world. I…I didn't have anybody else.
"It was near the end of the school year that Rob put his foot down.
He was through sharing you. Didn't want to hear you call me daddy, didn't want me with you every day.
And Catie, for all her good intentions, thought that was best. Maybe it was.
Maybe she was right. But I didn't want to lose you.
I tried to figure out how to file for paternity, but the process was too complicated on my own.
I needed a lawyer, but I couldn't afford one.
They wouldn't let me see you. Rob threatened me with the cops.
And I…I didn't know what else to do. Desperate.
Broken hearted. Miserable. So one day, I picked you up from school like I always did.
But that day, we just kept driving. I didn't have much of a plan, just some money socked away and the hope we could start over somewhere new.
"I think what scared you so bad was when they took me away.
You…you were crying for me, kicking and thrashing to get away from the officer, and I knew how bad I'd hurt you.
I saw how selfish I was. I thought I knew how much I was gonna miss you, but I didn't. So I did my time.
When I got out of jail, they put a restraining order on me that didn't expire until you were eighteen.
"Your mama came to meet me once, just before you turned eighteen.
She told me all about you, how you loved to read, what a happy child you were.
How you saw the best in everybody and everything.
She brought me pictures. And she cried, asked me to stay away.
You didn't remember, she told me. Didn't remember what happened.
Didn't remember me. And I decided that was maybe for the best. But I couldn't let you go.
So I kept my distance, until you finally moved away.I found my hope again after that.
Saw a way to maybe know you, for you to know me, moved here on the wings of that hope.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry it turned out this way.
I'm sorry I couldn't find a way to be with you the right way.
I'm sorry your mama felt the way she did and that your daddy couldn't bear the thought of me.
But more than anything, I'm sorry it all happened to you.
All I've ever wanted was to see you happy.
And I've seen you happy here. I understand if you don't want me around. I won't stay if--"
"No," I interrupt, brushing tears from my cheeks. "Don't leave. Please don't leave. I want to know you. You saved my life. And they…they…" I cup my mouth with my free hand, sobbing into my palm.
They stole me. Rob Lane stole me. They lied. Manipulated. Controlled me, locked me up. They ruined my father's life in the name of possessing mine.
No, I don't know them at all. I see Dad manipulating my mom in all the little ways now and it makes sense. Somehow, I know she really did think she was doing the right thing for me. But she was wrong.
I don't know if I can forgive her.
I know I can't forgive him.
The framework my life and my world are built on comes apart beneath me, leaving me in a free fall. Every truth is a lie. Every memory is tainted, stained with the secrets they held.
I don't know how it happened, but I'm crying into Grey's chest when I finally calm down enough to find my way back into my body and mind.
"I'm sorry," I say as I pull away, wiping my face with my hands. Grey hands me a tissue, which helps. "I'm sorry," I say again, though I don't know what for. All of it.
"You didn't do anything wrong," Danny says. "Come here, baby."
I turn to him, put my hand in his outstretched palm. Gently, he pulls me to sit by him again. And when he tries to sit up and hug me, I don't let him.
I curl into his chest and cry.
I remember the scent of him, cologne and tobacco.
I remember jumping over sidewalk cracks with his hand around mine.
I remember the sound of his laughter, the scratch of his beard when he kissed my cheek.
His chest jerks with sobs of his own.
"Missed you lots, tater tots," he manages to say, smoothing my hair.
The words come without thinking-- his line, not mine. But it feels right.
"Love you tons, honey buns," I answer.
And fall apart again.