20. Jillian
JILLIAN
The evening of the Winter Formal, Jillian stood in the bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror while the girls gazed up at her with wide eyes.
“You look beautiful,” Posey said reverently.
“Thank you,” Jillian said, doing her best to model the way to graciously accept a compliment for her daughters.
In her heart, she knew it didn’t matter how lovely the dress was, her eyes were still sad.
“You and Tripp are going to look like a prince and princess,” Mari said, her green eyes sparkling.
The reminder of what she had given up stung, but Jillian took a deep breath and let it out calmly.
“We’re not going to the dance together after all,” she said, tugging the bodice of her dress up a little, even though it was already perfectly in place.
“What do you mean?” Posey demanded. “He’s your boyfriend.”
“We decided it’s better for us to just be friends,” Jillian said, figuring it was best to make the decision sound mutual.
And it probably was. Tripp hadn’t even responded to her text.
“But he likes you so much,” Mari wailed.
Jillian turned to her older daughter in surprise. Mari was usually less prone to open displays of emotion.
“And he likes us,” Mari said softly, tears sliding down her little cheeks. “He talks to us and plays with us.”
Jillian swallowed over a big lump in her own throat, and crouched down to Mari and Posey’s level.
“Tripp still likes you very much,” she said. “He’s still a friend of our family. And he’ll still talk to you and play with you.”
Though I’m not sure when…
“The most important thing is that the three of us have each other,” she said, wrapping her arms around them. “And that we have Gram and Grampy. I don’t need a boyfriend, because I have all of you.”
“But he needs us, Mama,” Posey said softly. “He’s lonely.”
“Tripp has an even bigger family than we do,” Jillian said automatically.
But Posey only shook her head and leaned on Jillian’s shoulder, like her mother couldn’t possibly understand the sadness she felt.
Tears prickled Jillian’s own eyes and she wished she didn’t have to go to this silly dance. All she wanted was to stay home with her babies, cuddle up on the couch, and watch Christmas movies until they were all falling asleep.
“Cookies are out of the oven,” Gram called up the stairs. “Anybody want to help eat them?”
And now there are cookies?
“Go on, girls,” Jillian told them, giving them one last squeeze before she let go. “Enjoy your cozy night at home, and we can talk about all of this tomorrow.”
Posey peeled off of Jillian’s shoulder and Mari gave her another squeeze before heading dutifully downstairs. But soft footsteps just a moment later told her that someone wasn’t going to be lulled by cookies.
“Jillian?” Gram said gently from the hallway.
Jillian bit her lip and made herself come out of the bathroom with the most neutral expression she could manage.
“Hey, Gram,” she said.
“I have a little something for you to wear tonight,” Gram said with a sweet smile. “If you’d like?”
“Oh, wow,” Jillian said. “Thank you.”
She followed her grandmother down the hall to her grandparents’ bedroom.
This was her first time really entering their space since she’d arrived, and she couldn’t help taking a relieved look around.
The bedroom was neat and tidy and looked like it had been well cared for.
There were no leaks in the ceiling or under the windows.
“It’s just a necklace,” Gram said, heading to the small glass jewelry box on her vanity. “But I wore it the night your grandfather proposed to me, so I’ve always considered it special.”
“I’m not going with Tripp,” Jillian said. It came out louder than she meant it to.
“I heard as much from his mother,” Gram said calmly. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Jillian sighed and swept her hands down the front of her dress, trying to buy herself time to come up with a polite way to say no.
But as she thought it over, she found that she did want to talk about it.
“I really do like him,” she said. “And I thought maybe things could work out between us. But he just wants something casual.”
“What makes you think that?” Gram asked, frowning. “What did he say to you?”
“Well, he didn’t exactly say it to me,” Jillian admitted. “I overheard him talking to his brother, and so I just left.”
Gram just blinked at her.
“I know,” Jillian said. “I should talk to him myself.”
“You should tell him what you want,” Gram said, nodding. “Or you won’t get it.”
“That’s the thing,” Jillian said. “I don’t want to push him into anything.
I shouldn’t have to. He wants this family as a package deal, or he doesn’t.
He wants this to be something real, or he just wants to have fun.
That’s up to him. After Alan, I’m… I’m tired of needing to have enough belief in the relationship for both of us.
I won’t do it again, not when I have family all around me and a life I love just fine without a man in it. ”
“You’ve been through a lot,” Gram said. “And you put in a whole lot of effort on a man who wasn’t worth a half-load of pig manure.”
Jillian let out a little laugh without meaning to. She had never known her grandmother to speak that way about anyone.
“Forgive me, dear,” Gram said. “I know he was your husband. But…well, he took you and the girls for granted. Real men don’t do that.”
Jillian nodded. Everything her grandmother was saying was true.
“At any rate, it’s no wonder you’re slow to trust again,” Gram went on. “But I think the Lawrence boy has real feelings for you. At the very least, he deserves a chance to tell you about his feelings himself.”
Right again. Gram was telling her as kindly as a person could that she shouldn’t judge the man’s intentions based on a snippet of eavesdropping.
But after all she and the girls had been through, it was hard to imagine taking a man at his word when she knew that he was telling her what she wanted to hear.
“Alan played me for a fool,” Jillian sighed, cutting to the heart of the matter. “I don’t think of myself as a proud person. But I’m so afraid to be the fool again. I don’t want to feel like that again, Gram.”
“Oh, we’re all fools, my dear,” Gram said fondly. “Especially when it comes to love. The sooner you start accepting that, the better.”
Jillian surprised herself by bursting into tears.
Her grandmother held her close, her arms still strong enough to be a safe harbor in the ocean of Jillian’s emotions.
“I ruined everything,” Jillian sobbed. “I ran from him, just like Alan ran from me.”
“No,” Gram said. “Nothing like that. You were just scared. And if he really cares about you, then he’ll understand that.”
“Do you really think so?” Jillian asked, pulling back to look her grandmother in the eyes.
“I really do,” Gram said, nodding. “But you did hurt him, my love.”
“So I can’t go small,” Jillian said to herself, an idea forming.
“Oh my,” Gram said. “I just meant you should make sure he knows you’re not proud of yourself for running away.”
“I’ll make sure he knows,” Jillian said, suddenly knowing to her bones that she had the perfect idea. “He might not be ready to talk to me. But he’s not going to have to wonder if I want to talk to him.”