Chapter 32
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
DEIDRE
A s soon as the clock hit midnight, I knew I couldn’t stay in New York. It’s not where I wanted or needed to be. Jet lagged, I rush up the stairs with Vix in my hands as Tony is just behind me. My hand eagerly knocks on the door, hoping that it’ll be answered any second.
“What the fu…” Luke greets, pausing mid-sentence.
“Happy New Year,” I announce, stepping forward to wrap my free arm around him.
Luke takes a step back, blocking me and my lips.
“What’s wrong?” I ask nervously. “Oh. I’m sorry. Is there someone here?”
“No!” Luke snaps. “No one’s here.”
“Okay,” I reply nervously.
“I can’t believe you’d think that.”
“I’m sorry. I?—”
“Sorry?” Luke repeats. “Do you even know what you’re sorry for?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Three hours, Dei.” Luke moves back into his apartment. “Three fucking hours.”
“What about three hours?” I ask when he doesn’t say anything else. I quickly close his door while Tony stays in the hallway.
“Three fucking hours of time difference,” he explains. “And you don’t have the fucking balls to tell me the truth.”
“I wanted to surprise you,” I reply. “I wanted to be with you as soon as?—”
“As soon as what?” Luke interrupts. “As soon as you made out with and probably had sex with that fucker?”
My chest tightens. “That’s why I’m here. I wanted to tell you?—”
“Tell me what?” he snaps. “That you’re seeing someone else? That’s so not fucking fair.”
“What’s not fair?”
I’m so confused right now.
“Having to lie to everyone about either not having a girlfriend or saying that I do but they can’t fucking meet her,” Luke says heatedly. “Having to watch some asshole kiss my girlfriend on New Year’s, in public no less, when it should be me kissing you…then…there.”
“I didn’t know he was going to kiss me,” I admit honestly. “I’m serious.”
“You kissed him back.”
“I knew we were being watched and probably photographed,” I state. “I had to pretend.”
“It didn’t look like you were pretending,” Luke states painfully.
“It’s called acting. I didn't enjoy kissing him. The only person I wanted to kiss was you.”
“Then, why weren’t you here?”
“You know why,” I remind defensively. “That’s a part of my job.”
“It’s a fucked up job,” he says. “It’s fucked up that strange guys, as you claim they are, can kiss you, hold you, touch you in public, but I can’t. I’m your fucking boyfriend.”
“We never defined what this is between us.”
“Our actions defined it,” Luke states heatedly. “Neither of us has been sleeping with anyone else…the entire time! I was able to put up with this charade, but I can’t fucking take it anymore, Dei. Either you get me, all of me, all of the time….”
“Or what?” I ask when he stops short.
Luke looks at me, but doesn’t continue.
“You think I wanted this? You think I expected this? I didn’t expect to have feelings for you. This isn’t easy for me either.”
“It is easy, Dei,” he challenges. “Either we’re together or we’re not.”
“It’s not that easy. Not for me.”
“And you think it’s easy for me? It’s not easy for me to be with the woman I love in private, but not in public?”
My breath stops instantly at his confession and tears begin to erupt. I look away, needing to keep calm. “It’s not easy for me. I can’t be in a relationship…and that’s all I want to do….” My gaze lifts to his. “With you.”
“Why can’t you? What fucking reason is good enough that you can’t be out about our relationship, Dei? Your mother? Your brother?”
“Don’t,” I return sharply.
“Your brother was able to find someone, fall in love, and now be married to her…and he went through the same shit as you,” Luke says harshly.
“It wasn’t the same for him.”
“That’s right… you ran away.”
“He wasn’t fucking pushed or hit by our mother like I was,” I snarl back. “And this…us…has nothing to do with them.”
“Then, why the fuck can’t anyone other than Mandy know about us?”
My head shakes. My jaw tightens. I’m left speechless, struggling inside that I can’t tell him the truth—or if I did, if he’d even believe and understand it.
“What, Dei?” he quips when I stay quiet. “What? What’s the reason why we can only be in a relationship in private while all those other guys are allowed to be with you in public?”
“I’m not with them,” I say. “I have never slept with any of them , nor do I plan on it. It’s all for show…it’s all for business.” I take a step closer to him, but Luke pulls away. “Luke?”
“Don’t,” he directs. “Don’t, Dei.”
“Please,” I whimper. “I’m here…I’m here to be with you…not anyone else.”
He’s quiet for several long, painful seconds. “Why can’t our relationship be known, Dei?” His voice is eerily calm.
I want to tell him, but I can’t. No one knows the real reason other than Victoria and Mandy. I can lose so much if anyone else knows.
“I love you, Dei,” Luke sighs. “But until you’re ready to be honest…not just with me, but with yourself. I think we need some time.”
“Luke,” I call, fighting back the sobs.
“Just go,” he says softly.
“Please,” I gulp.
Luke looks at me with so much pain and disappointment, it’s hard to bear. I’ve never seen anyone look so genuinely heartbroken—not when I know that I’ve caused it.
“Please,” I beg, taking a small step toward him.
He moves away. “I need some time, Dei. I think we both need it.”
“Please, Luke,” I beg. “I’m here…doesn’t that count?”
“Yes,” he sighs.
“Then?”
“I want more, Dei,” he informs, continuing to not look at me. “I need more. I need you in my life…but it’s all or nothing. Not this halfway bullshit anymore.”
What do I say to that? I want to fix this, but I can’t—not yet. Technically, I’m not allowed to tell anyone why I’m not allowed to date. Mandy got it out of me one night when we were drinking. She swore not to tell anyone, and so far she hasn’t. Victoria doesn’t know that Mandy knows.
“Luke, please,” I plead.
He doesn’t look at me.
My head bobs slightly, realizing the situation I’ve created.
One day, he’ll understand why I can’t. All I can do is hope that when that day comes that we can be together.
I’m not sure how, but my body turns to leave.
It feels heavy and sluggish, more so when I pick Vix up off the ground.
I pause at the door with my hand on the knob.
I need to say something to help him understand enough, where perhaps in time, he’ll accept my dilemma.
Cracking the door open, my eyes lift to find a worried Tony in the hall. He steps forward, taking Vix from my arms. I ponder why he’s still here, but then again, my bag never made it inside Luke’s place. I’m pretty sure that Tony heard us fighting.
“Luke,” I call, keeping my back to him.
He doesn’t answer, and from the sound of it, he hasn’t moved from where I last saw him.
“I know you need an explanation…and I wish I could give it to you.” I let out a weighted breath.
“But I can’t. Not yet.” I take a large breath in, needing to gain the courage to say what I’m about to say.
“Know that it’s painful for me. I don’t like hurting you.
I don’t like that I’ve made you feel this way or that I’ve put you in this situation.
But know…know that I love you. I didn’t expect to fall for anyone…
especially you. But you’re in my heart and always will be. ”
I’m not sure how I leave Luke’s apartment. All I know is that the feeling in my chest is excruciatingly painful. I don’t wish it on anyone. Maybe this is for the best. If you love someone, you’ll set them free instead of being selfish and wanting them to conform to your way of life.