Olivia #2
‘Because when my Harry passed away, I sort of fell apart a bit. It didn’t happen overnight, of course.
It was more of a gradual thing. But soon I became obsessed with controlling everything around me.
His death was such a surprise that I couldn’t handle the thought of anything unknown.
I’d drive my kids mental, calling them, checking what they were doing.
Making sure everything was in the same place in my house, eating the same thing every day.
I thought, ain’t no bloody rogue nut going to kill me off too! ’
Olivia’s chest ached for the woman sitting opposite her. It ached for her pain, but it also ached in understanding.
‘It was bonkers and it was unbearable, but it was how I coped. When life begins to unravel before your eyes, you grab on to anything to keep steady, don’t you?
’ She fixed Olivia with a look that seemed to burrow beneath her layers and into the very centre of her soul.
‘What made you try and hold on to it all then, love?’
Don’t answer that.
Do not go there.
But the words came rushing out before she had a chance to hold them back.
‘My sister.’ Her voice was so small.
‘Ah.’ Tracey nodded. ‘The mashed bananas.’
‘Yeah, she used to ask for them when the chemo would make her sick.’
‘I see. How old was she when she got diagnosed?’
‘Four.’ Olivia’s shoulders slumped under the heaviness of it. ‘I was twelve and my brother Kyle was nine.’
‘Jesus, that’s tough. It’s tough at any age but especially when you’re a kid.’
‘It wasn’t ideal.’
Tracey dropped her voice. ‘And let me take a wild guess here: as the oldest, you did what you could to help out while everyone around you, including the adults, were losing their minds?’
Her words were like a blunt instrument hitting Olivia’s heart.
‘Pretty much.’
‘Hmm, you see that’s the thing about parents.
At the end of the day, they are just as messed up and raw and emotionally clueless as the rest of the world.
They can’t protect you from everything. They aren’t the big heroes you want them to be.
In fact, sometimes they are the complete opposite.
The moment your child sees that, it’s like the spell is broken. ’
The memory of Olivia’s mum and dad holding one another, crumpled on the floor in tears whilst she watched on, holding Kyle’s hand and telling him it would all be OK, made her heart stop momentarily and her body run ice cold.
‘Yeah, you can say that again.’
‘But trust me when I say this, it hurts just as much for them to know you’ve seen them like that, as it does you seeing it for yourself.’ A shadow of anguish flittered across Tracey’s face. ‘How is your sister now?’
Dead.
‘She’s …’ Olivia lifted her head and saw the hope in Tracey’s eyes.
Dead. Say it. She’s dead.
‘She’s good. She’s really good.’
‘Great!’ Tracey reached for her hand and squeezed it hard.
‘That’s brilliant, that is. She’s OK and you’re OK, and now you can start getting back to relaxing and enjoying
your life! Letting go a bit more, not getting so het up about everything.’
‘I guess …’
‘You guess?’
‘I don’t know.’ She sighed in frustration. ‘It sometimes feels hard to do that, you know? It’s not like I can just flick a switch and chill out all of a sudden.’
Because nothing would get done.
Nothing would be achieved.
‘No, it takes time and patience. God knows it took me long enough. Time, a lot of therapy and a ton of yoga, but eventually I found my way.’
‘Yoga?’ Olivia couldn’t keep the surprise from her voice.
‘Hey, just because I’m built like a brick shithouse does not mean I can’t bend over and touch my toes.’
‘I didn’t mean it like that!’
‘Ahh, I’m only messing with you, Livvy. I’ve been doing yoga every day for nine months and I still can’t reach past my ankles, but that’s not the point.
It’s about the breathing and the focus and presence.
Being purely in that moment, in your body, and feeling everything as it is. Powerful stuff, that is. Healing
stuff.’
Olivia let the words sink in past her scepticism. ‘Really?’
‘Really. The biggest thing I learnt is that when you’re in the darkness and you feel like there’s no escape, find one thing that brings you joy.
One little thing, and do it every day. Soon those small things add up to the big things, and without you even realizing, that fog will clear and life will feel a little lighter.
’ Tracey took a long, slow sip of her tea.
‘Joy is all we’ve got in this messed-up, crazy world, kid. We
all die some day, no matter how hard we try and fight it. So, we might as well make the most of the ride while we’re still on the bike.’
Olivia laughed. ‘Sounds like something Jacob would say.’
‘And who the ruddy hell is Jacob?’ Tracey jerked her head so quickly that Olivia was worried she was about to fall off the bed.
‘He’s a friend I met out here.’
‘A friend, hey?’ Tracey winked. ‘I raised four daughters, remember; I know what you girls mean when you say that word.’
‘Trust me, he’s just a friend,’ she stated adamantly, ‘although I’m not even sure you could call him that.’
‘How come?’
‘I don’t know.’ Olivia sighed. ‘He’s travelling all over the place, and we’ve started emailing a bit, but sometimes I think, what’s the point?’
‘Does there have to be a point?’
‘Obviously, otherwise it’s a waste of time and effort for everyone. We probably won’t ever see each other again.’ The words made her sadder than she expected.
‘So? What if the point is simply getting to know someone? Speaking to another person with a different perspective? Having a connection with someone you like? Not everything always has to be
something.’
Olivia picked at the corner of her toast. There was undeniable truth in what Tracey had said, even if she wasn’t willing to admit it just yet.
‘Maybe.’
Tracey stood and lifted the tray from Olivia’s lap.
‘How about this: I’ll go and make us another pot of tea while you email your friend
.’ She gave an overly dramatic
wink. ‘And then we can finally make a start on the pack of doughnuts I brought with me. What do you say?’
Olivia reached for her phone, cool from being untouched for so long, and heavy in her hand.
‘Sure …’ She hesitated. ‘Why not? Let’s do it.’
‘That’s my girl!’