Olivia
The yoga studio wasn’t too hard to find. Although she wasn’t quite sure the word studio
Immediately she wanted to run.
‘Hey!’ a familiar, soulful voice called out.
Could she run?
‘Hey, Olivia!’
No, it was too late. She was trapped.
Cece had spotted her and was now weaving her way across the platform towards Olivia, stepping gracefully in between a dozen or so mats that had been neatly lined up in rows. Nearly every one of them was occupied with a student
poised and ready for action, like obedient puppies. Olivia’s heart sank when she saw two vacant mats near the front.
‘I’m so glad you made it.’ Cece pulled one of the flimsy pieces of cloth aside and poked her head out. ‘Come in, we’re just about to begin.’
‘Are you sure? I’m not too late?’
A pathetic final attempt to escape.
‘Of course not. Just leave your shoes there and grab any mat that’s free.’
Olivia kicked off her sandals and placed them neatly alongside the other pairs lined up outside, a mixture of worn-out espadrilles, cheap and cheerful flip-flops and sand-smeared trainers.
From the footwear, at least, it looked like there would be a mixture of people in the class, offering Olivia only the smallest slice of relief as the anxiety began to spike in her chest.
‘Right, everyone.’ Cece disappeared inside, her voice loud and low, rumbling through the space. ‘Let’s get started.’
Olivia scrambled up the stairs and made her way towards one of the free mats, avoiding making eye contact with any of the other students.
‘This morning’s class is going to get a bit fiery. I want you to stay open-minded and receptive to whatever comes up. Because whatever comes up …’
‘Is asking to come out!’ the room replied in unison.
‘Exactly!’ Cece beamed proudly as Olivia’s heart sank to the floor. Everyone seemed far too awake and far too keen for a 7 a.m. yoga class. Her mood sat like an unwanted black cloud amongst a sea of sunshine smiles.
‘Now, if everyone could start by closing their eyes, we are going to begin with some breathing exercises …’
Olivia shuffled on her mat, crossing and uncrossing her
legs in an attempt to find a comfortable seat. Breathing was OK. She could do breathing.
‘When you’re ready, let’s all take a nice big deep inhale together …’ Cece instructed.
The whole room sucked in air like a vacuum.
‘And now exhale …’
The group sighed out in a collective groan.
‘And inhale …’
Olivia closed her eyes and did as she was told, breathing in and out in time with the room. Everybody filled themselves up with the warm, salt-tinged air that came blowing off the sea, the sound of the ocean mirroring the rhythm of their breath, the waves pounding out a steady beat upon the sand.
Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
‘Whatever happens over the next forty-five minutes’ – Cece’s voice rose over unified sighs and expulsions of air – ‘I want you to come back to your breath.’
Come back to the breath.
‘Focus on the expansion with the inhale, and contraction on the exhale …’
Inhale expand.
Exhale contract.
‘And whatever you do, try to surrender.’
Surrender?
This was a yoga class, not some sort of battleground. A few stretches and she’d be done. Just a few more breaths and it would all be over, wouldn’t it? Olivia tried to refocus her attention on the breath.
‘If everybody could finish their next exhale, we’re going to move straight into our sun salutations,’ Cece announced, turning to look straight at Olivia, her eyes glinting with
mischief. ‘And prepare yourselves, because here is where the work really starts.’
*
Olivia was covered in sweat. Every inch of her skin was slick with a salty layer of the stuff. Even her toes felt damp.
She looked at the old man next to her, who seemed to be mastering the one-legged posture that Olivia had been wobbling her way into for the past ten minutes.
‘Remember to focus
,’ Cece urged firmly, staring straight at Olivia, who had become so engrossed in the talents of the acrobatic grandad next to her that she was practically on the mat with him. ‘Remember to breathe
.’
How the hell was Olivia supposed to breathe when all she was concentrating on was not falling on her arse?
‘Keep your gaze fixed on a point straight ahead. Relax your shoulders and try not to tense so much.’
Tense? I’ll give you tense …
Olivia clamped her jaw shut and tried again, silent frustration coursing through her body. If there was one thing she was going to do before she left this class, it was to get her bloody foot on the inside of her bloody thigh and stay there!
Olivia tried again to lift her right leg, only just managing to get it halfway before Cece interrupted.
‘Beautiful, everyone. Now release the foot and place it on to the ground. Take a deep breath in and reach your arms up to the sky …’
Olivia ignored the instruction, grabbing her foot and forcing it into place. She was not going to be upstaged by a wrinkled OAP with flatulence and shorts that were way too short to be worn in public. With one final hoick, Olivia found the pose, standing tall and proud in her victory.
‘Yes!’ she hissed under her breath, only slightly offended that the class hadn’t erupted into raucous applause at her mastery.
‘For our next move,’ Cece continued, oblivious to Olivia and her achievement, ‘we are going to come into our goddess pose. But this time we are going to have a bit of fun with it.’ She moved to the front of the platform and began to demonstrate the posture.
‘You are going to move into a wide-legged stance, feet wider than hip-distance apart, facing the ocean.’
Olivia grudgingly untangled herself and moved into position, trying not to focus on the pools of sweat gathered around the edges of her mat.
How did everyone else look so composed? Was this the definition of enlightenment?
Never perspiring even when you were trying to contort your body like it was a piece of elastic?
‘Once you’re there’ – Cece scanned the students – ‘you’re going to place your hands in front of your chest like so. And then take a deep breath in.’
The class perfectly mirrored Cece’s actions. Olivia just stood and watched.
‘Then, on an exhale, you are going to push your hands away from you and bend your knees, almost like a squat – forcing the breath out through the mouth and pushing the space away. At this point, I encourage you to make noise. This is a wonderful releasing posture, so anything that comes up, I invite you to let it go.’
Olivia glanced around for any other confused faces. But to her amazement, the rest of the class seemed to be nodding.
‘OK, hands in front of the chest, inhale … and exhale, push away.’
The space filled with noise: grunts and groans and fiery exhales.
‘Good. And inhale, straighten the legs, bring the hands to the chest … and exhale release
.’ Cece’s voice rose loudly, spurring the others on to make even more noise.
Olivia stood silently, watching the strange phenomenon around her.
This is stupid.
This is ridiculous.
‘Now I want you to close your eyes and repeat it, over and over, falling into the rhythm.’ Cece began to walk between the mats. ‘Let this become a moving meditation.’
Olivia knew exactly where Cece was heading. Quickly, she closed her eyes and tried to blend in with the rhythmic chanting of the others. Her breathing was light and silent, her hands mimicking the motions half-heartedly.
‘Let go of the ego. Don’t worry about what it looks like.’ Cece’s voice grew stronger. ‘Tap into what it feels like. Feel
into the movement. Feel
into the body. If you want to stamp your feet, do it. If you want to scream and shout, do it
! You deserve to be heard. You deserve to take up space!’
Olivia sensed someone standing behind her.
‘Keep going, Olivia,’ Cece whispered. ‘Let the thoughts come, let the emotions come. Just keep moving and keep breathing. Feel what needs to be felt.’
Ridiculous – was that a valid emotion to feel? Olivia wondered.
‘Inhale … exhale … inhale … exhale …’
The platform pulsated with breath, the noises getting louder and louder, the stamping more insistent and almost threatening.
‘Let go,’ Cece demanded.
Olivia scrunched her eyes tighter.
‘Let go of thinking …’
But all I do is think.
‘Let. Go!’ Cece shouted, as the noise of the class rose to meet her command.
The stamping of feet was so heavy, so full of anger, that the entire platform shook from the impact.
The roaring wails that tore through the air, the cries of anguish, the screams of jubilation, one after the other, pressed in on Olivia like a series of physical blows. It was too much. It was all too much.
Olivia wanted to run, to push her way through the sea of crazy people and back into the safety of her little hut. To run from everything and everyone. But each time she made to move, to open her eyes, to do something other than stand frozen on her mat, she couldn’t.
This trip is stupid.
I hate it.
I hate this whole fucking thing.
She didn’t think it was possible, but the sound from the class had reached an even higher volume. And yet, despite the deafening racket, she could hear Cece right behind her.
‘Inhale … exhale …’ She quietly repeated the words, like a mantra in her ear. ‘Inhale, bring the hands in, exhale, push them away … You can do this, Olivia.’
No, I can’t.
I want to go home.
I want to go home and see my sister.
Tears began to pour down Olivia’s cheeks, merging with the sweat that was glistening across her skin.
Leah.
Oh God, Leah.
Boiling rage, thick like lava, rolled around in the pit of her stomach, rising up into her chest. Wave upon wave of red-hot
energy, each one more deadly than the next. The pain of it threatened to destroy her right there and then, unless …
Olivia began to move her body. Slowly at first, a soft hand to the chest and a gentle release. The breath was still shallow and the fire inside her still burning.
‘That’s it,’ Cece encouraged. ‘Now deepen the breath, go all the way in and all the way out.’