Olivia #2
Olivia did as she was told, drawing in deep and desperate breaths as her movement became stronger and more intentional.
‘Yes! Now, can you allow yourself to release? Scream. Shout. Stamp your feet,’ Cece hollered.
In and out she moved, over and over, allowing the molten anger to build from her chest up into her throat. A swirling mass of liquid rage, it pressed against her windpipe, clawing up the sides of her neck, until all at once it was too much to contain.
Olivia opened her mouth and screamed, a lifetime of hurt ripping through her.
It’s not fair.
It’s just not fair.
The sobs racked her heaving chest.
Olivia’s heart felt fit to burst, her breath growing erratic and laboured in her chest. She bent over and let the tears stream down into puddles on the floor beneath her.
‘Take deep breaths, Olivia,’ the calming, reassuring voice from Cece whispered next to her.
‘I can’t. I can’t breathe.’
‘Yes, you can,’ Cece stated firmly, crouching down next to her. ‘Come sit with me.’
Olivia let herself be guided to the floor, Cece’s firm grip anchoring her through every movement.
‘Try to stop all the resistance, if you can,’ she encouraged. ‘Stop trying to fight what you’re feeling. Allow it.’ Cece took one of Olivia’s hands and placed it over her heart, then took the other and placed it on her stomach. ‘Ground yourself, feel your breath.’
Olivia let her hands settle on her body, and instantly felt the panic’s sharpness soften.
‘Sit here for a moment and just be. OK?’ Cece whispered.
Olivia nodded in response, unable to muster words.
‘Everyone, if you could start to slow the movement until you come to a standing position, hands on body, eyes remain closed,’ Cece called out loudly.
The stamping and the grunting ceased as the entire class seemed to extinguish itself of sound.
‘Now, very slowly, I want you all to make your way down to Savasana. Lying on your back, arms out by your side and legs slightly apart.’
Olivia could hear the shifting of people as they lowered themselves down into the position. Slowly and very gently she followed suit, allowing her hot back to rest fully on the cool floor.
Her heart was thumping furiously in her chest and, as everyone fell into silence, she was certain it could be heard echoing around the platform.
‘Clear your mind and allow every part of your body to relax.’ Cece’s voice reverberated around the space. ‘Feel yourself sinking deeper and deeper into the ground beneath you …’
Olivia’s body continued to vibrate with the echoes of her crying. Her internal world was still a flurry of activity, a tornado of emotion and conflict.
Had she just done that? Had she really just sobbed in front of a room full of strangers?
‘Let the thoughts come and go,’ Cece implored, as if she could sense Olivia’s mind kicking into action. ‘Watch them as they pass …’
You can’t ever look Cece in the eye again.
‘… witnessing and accepting them, but not holding on …’ Cece’s voice was getting quieter and quieter.
You can’t look anyone here in the eye again!
Olivia’s body grew heavy, and the thoughts, whilst still whirring ominously through her mind, seemed to grow fainter and fainter.
‘Allow this moment to be one of complete surrender …’
What was Cece saying? It was becoming harder and harder to hear.
‘Just total and complete … surrender …’
*
Olivia blinked her eyes open and stared up at the sky.
‘If everyone could quietly roll up their mats and leave anyone who is still resting to come round in their own time,’ Cece instructed softly, triggering a wave of rustling and shuffling amongst the students.
Reluctantly, Olivia turned over on to her side and pushed herself upright, stretching her arms above her head and scrunching her toes together tightly. The movement made her head swirl.
‘Hey, how are you doing down there?’
Olivia turned her head to find Cece crouched down beside her. How was she doing? Confused? Totally and utterly embarrassed? Sad …
‘Yeah, I’m OK. Tired, but OK.’
‘I’m not surprised you’re tired, that was a big release.’ Cece eyed Olivia with concern. ‘You want me to help you up?’
‘No, no, I’m good,’ Olivia replied, ungracefully making her way to standing; her legs felt like they were made of lead and jelly all at the same time. She looked around the platform; everyone else had disappeared. ‘Please don’t tell me I was the only one who fell asleep?’
Cece placed a warm hand on her arm. ‘Of course you weren’t. Simon at the back there dozed off towards the end, and Jane goes from awake to snoring in less than twenty seconds. And like I said’ – her face softened further – ‘you had a big release.’
‘I just wish my releases didn’t have to be so public
.’
‘Ah, the emotional hangover?’ Cece chuckled. ‘I’ve had my fair few of those in my time.’
‘I’d take fifty tequila shots over this any day.’
‘Really? I think if people had the courage to express their feelings more openly, this world would be a much better and healthier place.’
Of course Cece thought that way. Of course she’d have everyone go around spewing their deepest, darkest emotional secrets out into the world.
Have everyone wallow in their self-pity and sorrow, sitting around drinking green juices and burning incense.
But what about real life? Where was the time for that in real life?
‘Maybe,’ Olivia grunted.
‘You don’t believe me?’ Cece smirked, flicking her hair over her shoulder. ‘Let me ask you, how are you feeling? Beneath the tiredness and the embarrassment. How do you feel in your body now?’
Olivia took a moment to check in. She was
tired, there
was no doubt about that, and her legs felt like they’d run a marathon. But as she let herself drop down below those sensations, she found that, strangely, there was a spaciousness within her that wasn’t there before. Almost as though her soul had let out a long, deep sigh.
‘I feel … lighter? Maybe?’
‘See!’ Cece tidied the last few mats away and ushered Olivia to follow her outside. ‘When we express, we no longer suppress. And when we no longer suppress, we create space
. We give ourselves more freedom on the inside. Does that make sense?’
‘Kind of,’ Olivia lied, her brain still foggy from exhaustion.
‘Good. Now, make sure you eat something hearty for breakfast. It’s important to ground down after practices like that.’
‘OK.’ Olivia wasn’t quite sure what ‘grounding down’ was, but she nodded obediently anyway. ‘By the way, before I forget …’
Olivia reached into her pocket and began to count out the money she owed.
‘Don’t.’ Cece placed a hand over hers.
‘But I need to pay for the class.’
‘I told you; you were my guest.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes! You can repay me by coming back tomorrow.’
Olivia laughed awkwardly, yet Cece’s face remained impassive.
‘You are joking, aren’t you?’
‘Nope.’
‘You want me to go through that
all over again?’
‘Yes!’ A cackle of laughter broke Cece’s stern expression. ‘I just think it would be good for you, that’s all. You’re
carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders that I sense you’re ready to put down.’ Cece took a step towards her, the space between them so small that the rich, smoky perfume of her tattooed skin filled Olivia’s nostrils in an instant.
It was a smell so reminiscent of Jacob that, for a second, Olivia felt she was right there with him. Back in Udaipur. Saying goodbye. Faces so close to touching.
Her heart ached at the memory.
‘Hey’ – Cece broke the spell – ‘all I ask is that you think about it. I’m here at the same time every day. The offer’s there.’
‘Thank you.’ Olivia nodded, her mind a blur of emotions and a whirlwind of thoughts, each one clambering over another in a bid to be chosen from the pile.
‘My pleasure.’ Cece smiled, giving Olivia’s arm one final squeeze, before reaching down and grabbing the only pair of weather-beaten flip-flops left. ‘Now, I have to go – I have another client to teach – but take care of yourself, drink lots of water, and make sure you eat!’
‘I will, I promise.’
‘Good!’ Cece grinned, turning to stroll the opposite way down the beach. ‘And maybe see you tomorrow?’
‘Yeah.’ Olivia watched as Cece was absorbed into the crowd of persistent beach dwellers, who seemed so at peace with wasting entire days lying prostrate on the sand. ‘Maybe see you tomorrow.’