Jacob
Thankfully, he had curated a little stash of snacks in his room, so in between bouts of sleep, he forced himself to eat a packet of nuts or munch on a dry cereal bar, his stomach still rolling with nausea and his body so weak that, even if he wanted to, he didn’t think he could manage anything more substantial. All he was good for was rest.
By the morning of day four, the fog finally began to lift.
The shooting pains across his forehead had lessened to a pulsating ache, and the flashing lights in front of his eyes had almost cleared completely.
He was feeling fragile, but only from lack of food, something he knew could easily be rectified as soon
as he dragged his sorry self out of bed and into the shower. In fact, on the whole, he felt good. The only thing he couldn’t shake quite yet were the final thoughts he’d had before he’d fallen unconscious.
Mum.
I want Mum.
The urge for her was still as strong. Her face interrupted both his sleeping and waking thoughts, the image so clear it was as though she were standing right in front of him, close enough for him to reach out and touch her, to feel her soft, powdery skin against his and smell the heavy, floral scent of her perfume.
The woman who was there for him every single day of his life, until he left her behind without a second glance.
How on earth could he face speaking to her now?
After all this time, out of the blue, simply because he was sick and needed comfort?
Maybe his dad was right; maybe he really was that selfish.
The thought of his dad was enough to drive him from his bed. He couldn’t spend another day wallowing in self-pity. He had to get up and he had to eat. And if he happened to swing by the internet cafe on his travels and ended up sending a few emails, so what?
Excitement gathered in the base of his throat.
Maybe, just maybe, Olivia would have replied to him by now.
Not that he should want that. Not that he should even deserve that.
But there was no denying it: a part of him was still hopeful.
And he knew, more than anyone, that hope was the most dangerous emotion of them all.
*
‘For my time the other day’ – Jacob slapped down a handful of coins on the sticky counter and placed a cup of steaming
chai by the pile of money – ‘and a thank you for looking after me.’
The owner of the cafe looked at him, and then, without so much as a word, pushed both gifts back towards Jacob. ‘I won’t let you pay for being sick.’ He offered a fatherly smile. ‘And, my friend, I think you need the chai more than I do.’
‘Do I still look that rough?’
‘I’ve seen worse.’ The man twiddled his thick, bushy moustache. ‘Now, are you staying or going? I have only one free space left.’
Jacob cast his eyes around the little space.
It was surprisingly busy for a midweek morning; rows of hunched bodies were crammed in next to each other, eyes glued to screens and fingers flying across keyboards.
It was strange, he thought, how this had become the new way to connect with people.
In a dark, soulless room, hidden behind a machine.
It didn’t make any sense, and yet here he was, about to do the very same thing.
‘Yeah, I might as well since I’m already here.’ Jacob shoved a few of his coins back across the counter and picked his way through to the one empty desk in the corner.
His fingers were filled with nervous energy, almost tripping over themselves in anticipation.
He logged on to his emails and found the last message she’d sent him, dated on his birthday and still unread.
From:
Helen.K.Green@
Subject:
Another year older and hopefully a little wiser …
Hi darling, it’s me, Mum.
He couldn’t help but laugh at her opening sentence. Why did parents insist on announcing their identity in every form of communication they had with their children?
I just wanted to send a quick message to wish you a happy birthday! I’ve sent quite a few texts, but they don’t seem to be getting through any more – perhaps you’ve lost your phone or changed numbers? Either way, just let me know you’re safe.
Guilt pulled his heart down into his stomach.
In my head I like to picture you on a beautiful beach somewhere, sunning yourself by the ocean.
I’ll never forget what you said to me once – life’s too short to be anywhere but by the sea!
You always were my little water baby. But wherever you are, my darling boy, know that I love you.
I think about you every day, and even though it breaks my heart you’re not here, I am so proud of the life you chose to make for yourself.
Here’s to another year of you.
Mum x
It was all he could do not to burst into tears right there and then.
Quickly, he began to type out a reply, allowing the emotion of her words to spur on his own.
It was surprisingly easy once he got going: updating her on his phone situation, where he was in the world and how he was doing; all of which contained about a hundred white lies, but still, there was truth nestled in there somewhere.
He wondered if his mum would even believe it was him writing; he hadn’t shared so much in so long that he wouldn’t be surprised if she mistook it as a fraudulent attempt to scam her into sending money abroad.
Either way, he’d done his bit, and now it was a matter of time before he saw her reaction.
As he pressed send, the tears began to fall, blurring the screen so much that he almost missed her name.
From:
Olivia_Jackson@
Re:Re:
Might have found the new best dosa in India …
His heart immediately rose from the pit of his stomach to the top of his throat.
Hey! I’m so sorry to hear you got sick – are you feeling better now?
I did wonder if a rogue street food vendor had been the cause of your absence, and it appeared my intuition was right.
Must be what happens when you become spiritually enlightened.
Because yes, I am an official yogi master now.
Three sessions in and I still can’t stand on one leg!
I do it in this little shack on the beach, with an amazing teacher called Cece – you’d like her, she’s a universe convert too.
I think Agonda is my favourite place on earth – the sand and the ocean are stunning.
Only a few days left for me, and then back home I go.
So, if you need some R the motion was so abrupt that out of his pocket fell his notebook and dice. Their presence was a sobering reminder of why he did what he did. Why he gave himself up to the mercy of fate.
He felt his body tense under the pressure, his entire being wrestling with itself as to which step to take next.
He scooped up his belongings and slammed them down hard on the desk.
Maybe he should ask his friend the Universe what she thought of all this.
Wasn’t it her that had brought Olivia into his life in the first place, thrusting her into his path not once, but twice?
If she didn’t want him to feel these things, if she didn’t want him to find connection, why the hell did she insist on bringing it to him?
He snatched up the dice and squeezed them tightly in his hand.
Two shakes and a roll. Show me, Universe, do I stay or do I go?
He threw the dice hard, scattering them across the desk. One flew out of sight, the other coming to a stop in front of him.
A five.
‘A five and a what, though …’ he hissed, peering down at the floor in search of the missing die. He tried not to think about what his hands were touching as he fumbled around,
reaching into the corners and along the back walls. There was hair, empty sweet wrappers and some very hard and very used chewing gum, but no die.
Jacob stood up and pulled the bulky computer away from the wall. The die had to be somewhere. He needed
it to be somewhere. Reams of wires tangled in on themselves like knotted veins, gathering dust and debris. He prised them apart like pieces of spaghetti, trying hard to ignore the dirty looks from the woman next to him as he worked.
‘Excuse me,’ she finally interrupted, ‘but may I ask what the hell you’re doing?’
‘I’m looking for my dice,’ he replied, not bothering to look up from his excavation project.
‘Well, it’s right there.’
His head snapped up so quickly he felt his neck crack from the force. The haughty-looking lady was pointing at the desk behind them. Jacob launched himself to the floor. There it was: the second die. Nestled in the corner, stuck on its side. Halfway between two numbers.
A three and a six.
An odd and an even.
A burst of laughter erupted from him.
The answer to his question was suddenly extremely clear.
This time, it was his turn to decide.