Chapter 12 #2
“I’ll pay you back,” she finally says. “I promise.”
I look out at the darkening sky and smell the rain in the air. “No, you won’t.”
“Then you better not ever try to hold it over my head and use it against me.”
Irritation lights up my chest but I try to squash it, knowing I’d have the same reaction. We were both raised that way, forced to think like that in the environment we were put in.
“I’d never fucking do that to you,” I snarl.
She’s quiet for a moment before saying softly, almost like she’s reassuring herself, “I know.”
The door to my left cracks open with a loud screech. The last person I would expect to walk through it does. Hayden eyes me tentatively, curiously, as he lets the door click shut behind him.
Sprinkles of rain start to fall.
“Are we done talking about this?” I ask Penny and hold up a hand for Hayden to signal I’ll be off in a second. He waves me off and brushes his dark hair out of his eyes.
“I haven’t decided yet,” she says defiantly. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yeah,” I say, aware that I now have an audience. I hang up the phone without another word and tuck it into my pocket.
“Everything alright?” Hayden asks. He pulls the hood of his sweatshirt up as if it’ll protect him from the rain.
I tuck my phone away and wipe the droplets from my forehead. “Yeah, all good.” I take a step to the left so I’m further under the awning, but it also brings me closer to him. He seems just as uncomfortable with it as he shoves his hands into his pockets. I cross mine across my chest.
The rain picks up until it’s a dull roar completely enveloping us. The sidewalks have emptied and the gray overcast has brought nightfall sooner than expected. For a few moments, the pouring streams blanketing around us are the only sound as we stand here.
Years of history and friendship stretch between us, and yet neither of us know what to say.
When I look at Hayden, I don’t just see my best friend and our bassist. I see someone I trusted with my life, someone I loved more fiercely than I ever loved anyone else, just like Nik and Walker.
I see someone talented, haunted, and mostly, I see someone who cut me off at a time when I needed him most. When I thought he would’ve needed me most, and he didn’t. He didn’t let me be there for him.
And I let that hurt turn to anger and that anger into arguments and those arguments into resentment. And he deserved every bit of it.
So then why do I feel guilty as we stand here looking at one another like we’re strangers?
“I’m surprised you came tonight,” he says finally.
I stiffen. “Why would that surprise you?”
“Because I haven’t seen you in months. You never come around whenever we get together.”
“That’s because my invitation is often lost in the mail,” I shoot back. His dark eyes flash but he doesn’t try to make a defense. “Nikolai’s my best friend. I wouldn’t miss this for him.”
“Well, I’m sure he’s glad you’re here.”
“You speak for him now?”
He rolls his eyes and scrubs a hand across his jaw. “Jesus, man. I followed you out here to talk to you, not fight. You looked troubled when you stepped out here.” He then adds, “More troubled than usual.”
I brush it off. “Nothing out of the ordinary.”
“You sure?”
I could tell him. He was there while I was in the foster home with Penny. He’d remember her.
But do we share shit like that anymore? We haven’t in so long that I’m not sure I know how.
“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “Uh, things obviously seem to be going well with—”
The door swings open and out pops a short blonde dressed in a flowy orange dress.
Hayden’s face completely changes as Carter steps outside, and he beckons her under his arm.
“I didn’t know where you went,” she says to Hayden and smiles at me as she leans into his side.
He wraps a protective arm around her shoulder.
Both of them instantly relax into each other, as if their bodies are trying to become one, and I tear my gaze away.
Seeing their comfort with one another, the safety they have between the two of them, feels like nails on a chalkboard. I shiver and fist my hands in my pockets.
It shouldn’t feel like this.
I should be happy for them.
For my best friend.
Why can’t I?
What’s so wrong with me that all I can feel is jealousy when I see the people around me find their partners and leave me behind?
“How have you been, Reid?” Carter’s voice is soft and delicate, barely able to be heard over the rain. Her hazel eyes are full of warmth as she looks at me, not an ounce of cool reservation like her fiancée.
“Fine. How’s your photography going?”
She smiles brightly. “It’s been great. I got invited to shoot the mainstage for a huge festival over in the Netherlands next month.”
Hayden places a gentle kiss to the top of her head as his back straightens with pride.
“Congratulations.” The word sounds more contrived than I intended, but she doesn’t seem to notice. I like Carter. Always have. She’s soft-spoken but not weak. And seeing her flourish after she got out from underneath her shithead of an ex-boyfriend genuinely made me proud of her.
Plus, after I punched him on her behalf, she warmed up to me more.
“Thank you,” she says. “Are you guys coming back inside?”
“We were just catching up,” I answer for the both of us.
Carter glances up at Hayden. “Did you catch him up on the bachelor party stuff?”
His tattooed hand tightens around her waist. By the way he averts his attention elsewhere, I’d say he didn’t want her bringing that up in front of me.
A dull razor to the naked eye would’ve hurt less than the idea that I might not be included in said wedding plans.
What the fuck did I expect, though?
Hayden clears his throat. “We didn’t get that far.”
Carter chews on the inside of her cheek as she looks down at her feet.
No, we most certainly didn’t.
“Is my invitation going to get lost in the mail to that as well?” I ask, words as razor sharp as the daggers I feel digging into my gut.
“Don’t start, man,” Hayden sighs like this is an inconvenience. Like I’m starting a fight over nothing. And for once, I don’t think I am.
“Fine.” I double check my pockets to make sure I have my phone and wallet before looking out at the still pouring rain. It shows no signs of stopping as thunder bellows a wicked blow.
I’d rather face that than sit here another minute feeling like I don’t belong. Like I’m being pushed out. Like I’m the stain everyone wants to remove.
“Don’t worry about it,” I say and grit my teeth against the cool, sharp pellets of rain that hit my skin the second I step out from under the awning.
It instantly soaks my shirt, my shoes, my hair, dripping into my eyes, and I blink it back.
“I wouldn’t expect it at this point anyways. Congrats to the happy couple.”
“Reid—” he calls out after me, but whatever he wants to say dies on his lips as he stays with Carter tucked away from the rain.
I make it halfway down the street before I discreetly glance over my shoulder to see if they’re still there, if maybe I should turn around, but the last little flicker of hope dwindles in my chest.
The spot where they were once standing is empty.
He didn’t try to follow me.