Chapter 40
Aspen
Her number lights up my screen. It’s been almost five days since I called her. Three days since dinner at Hayden and Carter’s. In that time, it’s been radio silent. No texts, no calls. Nothing.
But now, once again while I’m at work, she’s calling. There’s a pit that opens in my stomach, threatening to swallow me whole. I stare at it while it rings.
“Need to go take that?” Kevin peers over my shoulder. “You’re almost done anyway. Go ahead and clock out.”
Maybe he doesn’t notice my face. Or the fact that I’m holding my phone like it’s a bomb rather than a lifeline. He simply steps in, taking over the front of the bar for the few customers that have trickled in tonight.
It continues to ring. My feet stay planted, frozen.
This is what I wanted, isn’t it? To talk to her? That’s why I called her back finally.
“Aspen?”
I jerk my head. “Yeah?”
Kevin frowns at me. “I said you can go ahead and clock out.”
The call goes to voicemail. I slip my phone in my pocket. Quickly tossing my apron under the bar, I grab my bag, wave to the few regulars gathered toward the back, and dip out into the alley.
The night wind slaps me across the face. I inhale the chilled air, letting it fill my lungs with a cool embrace.
Reid’s not here yet, but then again I’m not supposed to be done for another half an hour. I could wait for him. Have him here with me when I try calling her back.
But she beats me to it. My phone buzzes again.
Fuck it. I’ve been sitting with the knowledge of my mumbling voicemail for days now, waiting to see if she’d respond to it. Now it’s time to face the can of worms I opened up again.
My hand shakes as I bring the phone to my ear. “Hello?”
“Aspen?” The word sounds shrill coming out of her mouth.
“Yes, this—it’s me.”
“Oh, I’m so happy you answered. I’m so sorry. I was on a cruise and didn’t have service on my phone. We like to unplug while we’re away, so I didn’t see your voicemail until we returned to port. I called as soon as I got home.”
She was on vacation. I don’t know if that’s better or worse than me thinking she was ignoring me…
“Oh, uh, I hope you had a nice time.” It sounds more like a question than a sentiment. But if she notices, she doesn’t comment.
“It was lovely. But I can’t tell you how overjoyed I was to see your voicemail when I turned my phone back on. Did you get my calls?”
“I—I did.”
She hums. “Well, I’m happy to hear from you. How are you doing? Are you still in Pennsylvania?” She laughs brightly. “There’s a million questions I want to ask you. I should slow down, I’m sorry.”
That makes two of us. Hearing her voice, so light and positive, rubs me the wrong way. It’s not that I’m unhappy that she clearly seems happy, but I thought she’d maybe speak to me with a little more…trepidation? Instead, she’s talking to me as if we’re old friends catching up.
We’re not.
We’re strangers, even if our blood tells us otherwise.
I kick a loose rock, sending it skittering down the alley. “I don’t live in Pennsylvania anymore.” That’s all I offer her.
“No? We don’t either. Ken and I moved south shortly after we got married. I never cared for the cold.”
“You’re married?”
“Yes.” She clears her throat, speaking a little quieter as she says, “But Ken’s not your father. He and I…his family moved him away after I got pregnant. I haven’t talked to him since. I don’t have his contact information either, so I’m sorry, I can’t help you with that.”
I never had any desire to meet him. My aunt and uncle said he was never around, even for my birth, so even as a child, I was able to accept that he would never be part of my life.
“I don’t want to know about him,” I tell her. “And I…I honestly didn’t ever expect to hear from you again. Not since Aunt Irene and Uncle Peter dropped me off in the system.”
“That wasn’t an easy decision for them.”
I blink, unsure if I heard her correctly. It wasn’t an easy decision for them? What the actual hell… “Why did you call me?” Why after all these years? Why, when I have a good life, did you contact me and try to disrupt it?
She takes a deep breath. “I finally opened up to a few of the women in my bible study about my…past.”
She says past like it’s a dirty word. And I know when she’s saying past, she really means me. My chest squeezes.
“And talking with them and the Lord, I felt called to reach out to you. I wanted to see how you were doing.”
“How I’m doing?” I almost laugh.
“Well, yes,” she says in a sickly sweet tone.
“How did you get my number?”
“My boys are so tech-savvy, even being so young, they showed me—” She cuts herself off, as if realizing the bomb she just dropped on me. “I guess I should’ve started with that. I have two boys and a little girl. Half-siblings for you.”
I collapse against the wall. Bricks scratch through my shirt. My head spins as my knees grow weak.
She has three other children. Siblings of mine.
Another little girl. How fitting. One to replace the one she gave up.
Children she takes on cruise vacations.
While I sometimes went to bed with my belly aching because neither Gina nor Patrick bothered to cook dinner.
“Are you still there, honey?”
Honey? That single term of endearment that she has never earned to use with me turns every single ounce of shock and hurt in my system to rage.
I chuckle bitterly. “You have three other kids.”
“Yes. My boys are twelve and ten, and Elody is six. My oldest is the one who showed me how to look you up.”
“Your oldest? You mean, the oldest of the children you kept?”
She sputters for a moment. “That’s not what I…” She trails off, whatever excuse she had dying on her tongue. “Honey, maybe we should get together. Talk in person. That would be best.”
“Best for who?” I demand. “For you? To ease some sort of guilt you have?”
“I don’t feel guilty—”
“Then what? Why did you call me?”
“I told you. I felt called to reach out to you. You are a part of my testimony—”
That does it. I drown out her voice with a bitter, angry laugh. “A part of your testimony. Interesting. I’m sure everyone loves to hear about the daughter you abandoned for the sake of their community.”
“I was fifteen,” she says, defensiveness cutting through the sweetness of her tone. “I wasn’t prepared for a child. I was a child myself.”
“And I don’t blame you for that.” I can’t imagine being pregnant myself at that age and struggling with the responsibility it brought.
“But you tried to pawn me off on your sister and husband. They didn’t want me.
” I could tell even when I was a child that I was unwanted by them.
And the first opportunity they had for an out, they took it.
“You don’t understand. Our church—”
“I don’t really give a fuck what the church thought of you getting pregnant before you were married!”
My outburst silences her. But it fuels me.
“I’m sure you have a million excuses. Your parents talked you into it, your church shamed you, trust me, I heard them all already when I was younger. I don’t need to hear them again from you.”
Reid’s car appears at the end of the alley. The engine cuts off and he smiles a lazy grin at me as he steps out. But it wipes away the instant he gets a better look at me.
He jogs down the alley, immediately coming to my side. One look at the phone pressed to my ear and realization washes over him.
The softness in his eyes disappears, stony resolve replacing it. His jaw ticks as he rubs my shoulders in silent support. No words even need to be exchanged between us for him to know exactly what I need right now.
Just like how it’s always been between us.
I never had to ask Reid to do anything for me when we were in the foster home together. If anything, he’s the one person who didn’t owe me a single thing. He was a kid himself.
And yet, he stepped up. He taught me guitar. He made sure I got to bed on time. He helped me with my homework. He snuck me leftovers he brought back from his friend’s houses that their mother’s lovingly made.
I never asked for any of it. He just did it.
Because he knew what it was like to be young and not have someone do it for you. To not have someone care about you.
“I don’t need you.” My voice is quiet, but not weak. Linda’s silent on the other side of the line. “I don’t need anything from you. For so many years, I wished to know you. Wished for you to come back for me. But you never did.”
“I—”
“No, I’ve heard enough of what you have to say.
And now it’s my turn.” Reid brims with pride.
“I didn’t need you as a child because you gave me up.
You chose everyone else over me. And you were my mother.
You were always supposed to put me first. But I guess blood doesn’t make family.
And you giving birth to me doesn’t make you my mother.
I don’t have one of those, and I’ve been just fine.
I have a good life with people who choose me. ”
Reid opens his arm to me and I sink into his side. He’s the one who I know will always show up for me. Always choose me.
Linda’s subdued as she says, “That makes me happy to hear.”
I don’t really give a fuck what it makes her. It’s never mattered to her. I’ve never mattered to her.
“Don’t try contacting me again. I don’t care what calling you feel. I don’t want anything to do with you. And I truly hope you are there for your children in all the ways you were never there for me.”
Without allowing her another word, I hang up. The moment the call disconnects, all the frustration, hurt, anger that were flooding my brain washes back in a single wave. My shoulders sag, but Reid’s there to hold me up.
“I’m proud of you,” he says quietly. “Did you get what you needed from her?”
I hug his waist, listening to his heartbeat. He brushes a kiss against the top of my head. “Yes. Yes I did.” And before we get in the car, I block her number.