Chapter Thirty
Zander
I can’t wake him up. I don’t want to be the person he looks at and remembers this moment. It’s the kind of memory that sticks. He will look at me and forever remember the day his Mom just didn’t wake up. The day that his whole world fell from beneath him.
I take a moment to feel my own grief first, because when Jules wakes, I know I’ll feel his tenfold.
It’s not overwhelming or debilitating; it’s more like a sudden emptiness swaddled in soft memories and patient love.
The tears that fall aren’t for what we no longer have; Theresa wouldn’t have wanted to live that way for a moment longer than she had to.
No, my tears are for all that has been taken from our future.
They’re for Jules and the unfair way in which death picks its victims. They’re for the boy who finally found his family and his happiness, only to be given a ticking clock, too.
Jules stirs beside me, and I hold my breath.
My arms tighten around him instinctively.
It's still my job to protect him, even if he’s the one who has been taking on the role more recently.
I let the silence settle back in once the sheets stop rustling and his breathing settles back into a light snore.
I use my free arm to wipe away my tears, even though the pillow has soaked up most of them, and use the little time I have left to take in the softness of his face.
There are no worries, no anguish, just sweet dreams and a kind soul. Theresa made sure of that.
“How long have you been staring at me?” His sleep-lazy voice rasps.
This is it. I wish I could pause time indefinitely. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for what’s to come. Jules rolls in to face me, a small but complacent smile on his lips. “The silence is making this feel creepy.”
“Jules, we need to get up.” I place my hand on his shoulder, stroking up and down the length of his bicep.
“Mm-no, let’s just stay here for a little longer.” I wish we could.
I pull him in and press my lips to his forehead, willing the tears to stay away and summoning the strength I need to carry him through this.
“I wish we could, but it’s time, baby.” Jules’ eyes ping open immediately. I’m not sure if it’s the name, or the desolation in my voice– maybe it’s both. He looks uncertain and scared. Suddenly, he’s five years old again and in desperate need of a hand to hold.
“Zander…?” His voice is weak and pleading; he knows.
“She’s always with you, just try and remember that, okay?
” I tighten my grip in his hair and breathe through the emotions washing over me like a tidal wave.
I feel his Adam's apple against my chest, trying to swallow the truth, to push it down into the depths where he doesn’t have to confront the reality that lies peaceful and unmoving behind him.
“I can’t– I can’t move.”
“It’s okay, I’ve got you.”
“I need to– I just… don’t make me turn around,” he buries his face into my shoulder, hiding from the painful future waiting patiently behind him.
“I won’t, you’re going to be okay,”
“Nothing is okay, it will never be okay.”
“No, but you will be, I promised you that, remember?” His body jerks in my hold with the force of his grief.
“Does she loo–look peaceful?” He chokes out through bursts of tears.
“Of course, she never knew how to be anything else.” And it’s the truth.
“Should I– Zander… w–what do I do? Tell me what I–” Tears cut him off as I tighten my hold, stroking his hair and rocking us lightly back and forth.
“Just let it out. You’re safe, you have time– just rest.”
We stayed there for what felt like hours; I just held him, and he let me. We didn’t really speak, but the little conversation we did have was about what we do next. Jules is scared to move; he can’t decide whether to see her one last time or hold on to the memories bursting with energy and life.
“I can’t make that decision for you. I wish I could.”
“Do I need to choose now?” He chews on his thumbnail, the skin beside raw and red. I pull it away gently and tuck his hand between us.
“No, not right now. If you want to go and see her when she goes to the chapel, you can do that.”
“I don’t want to see her there. She doesn’t know that place, and I don’t want to see her alone…
” He’s getting worked up again. His breathing becomes erratic, and his heart hammers against my chest at the thought of his Mom being anywhere but here, with him.
But that’s the reality slowly creeping in, one that he will have to face over the coming days.
“Then I think it’s either now or never, Jules.”