Chapter 19 #2
Caitlin didn’t know how to say the next thing on her heart, but she knew one thing—if she didn’t lay herself out bare, if she withheld anything now, she would lose Gemma for good.
“Don’t go back to Emily,” Caitlin whispered, pleading.
“And why the hell not?” Gemma asked, arms crossed and brows furrowed as she glared at Caitlin.
“Because you should be with me.” Caitlin leaned against the sink, gripping the edge to steady herself for her next words. The bass from the party outside thumped through the walls, out of sync with her own heartbeat.
“After we kissed, everything just… flipped. I didn’t even know kissing could feel like that.
” She glanced at Gemma, then away, her voice catching.
“I panicked, alright? You’re a girl, and I’d never done that before.
And I have Troy… it was all just too much,” Caitlin rushed, looking up for a reaction from Gemma.
Gemma remained silent, seeming to wait for Caitlin to offer up a better excuse.
“I didn’t know what to do, and I wasn’t ready to confront my feelings for you, so I guess I just acted like they didn’t exist. I started using Troy like some sort of shield, hoping it would make you jealous enough to intervene.
To rescue me.” Caitlin’s breath hitched on the last few words, feeling pathetic.
The bathroom air, thick with perfume and vodka, was starting to make her feel ill.
Gemma rolled her eyes, not impressed with Caitlin’s admission.
Caitlin closed the gap and laced their fingers together. “How did you feel when we kissed?”
Gemma hesitated, dropping her gaze to Caitlin’s lips, then met her eyes.
“I liked it, Caitlin, a lot. But then you kicked me out of your room and your life. I tried to reach out. I wanted you to know how much I liked you, and you ghosted me. You chose him.” Gemma didn’t break eye contact as she delivered the final blow.
“I found someone who actually knows what they want, and it’s me.
No games. And now I would like to get back to her. ” Dejection roughened Gemma’s voice.
Caitlin let Gemma brush past and leave, closing the bathroom door behind her.
Gemma was right. She deserved far better than how Caitlin had treated her. If Caitlin really wanted her back, she would have to show she was serious and choose Gemma—in all aspects of her life, not just when it was convenient.
When Caitlin rejoined the party, she watched Gemma and Emily head for the front door, arms threaded around each other. She lingered behind a bush, watching until their shadows melted into the dark sidewalk. Caitlin grappled with the pain of knowing her confession may have come too late.
Shortly after midnight, the crowd thinned. Unable to mask any longer, Caitlin asked Troy if they could go to bed. They told the remaining stragglers to crash in the guest room or on the couch before making their way upstairs.
Once in Troy’s room, Caitlin felt numb as her boyfriend closed the door, scooped her up, and carried her over to his bed. Liquor permeated the air between them as Troy began to kiss the hollow of her neck.
“Troy,” Caitlin said, leaning away from his touch.
“Yeah?” He didn’t stop, continuing to trail kisses down her neck.
“I think I had too much to drink.” Caitlin couldn’t do this anymore. She felt like she was suffocating. She had to get out of there. “I’m gonna head home.”
Troy paused and looked down at her. “Do you need to throw up?”
“No.”
“Just stay here then,” Troy graveled sweetly, kissing her again.
For the first time, Caitlin couldn’t stand the feeling of Troy’s hands or lips on her.
“I think I should sleep in my own bed tonight.”
He looked at her, baffled, but didn’t stop Caitlin when she slid out from under him, grabbed her phone, and left the house.
Caitlin had trouble breathing when she got home that night. Her life, once so sure, had taken a sharp turn she could no longer ignore without being thrown from a cliff.
When Caitlin laid her head on her pillow, the memory of kissing Gemma in that very spot flashed behind her eyelids.
She could still feel the perfect fit of Gemma’s lips against hers, the spark that kindled between them.
But then it ended the same way it always did, tormenting Caitlin—Gemma’s eyes, brimming with confused pain as Caitlin asked her to leave.
Feeling shaky, Caitlin stared at her bedroom ceiling, heart pounding, and realized what she had to do. There was no turning back now.
CAITLIN SPENT ALL OF SATURDAY holed up in her room, replaying every moment, every word, every look of the past year.
She had to make sure she was ready, not just to upend the only life she had ever known, but to embrace the consequences, whatever they may be.
There was a good chance that she’d end up right back here, staring at her ceiling alone.
She had barely slept the night before, the hours bleeding together with her nerves, winding tighter over the unknown of the following day. But that Sunday morning, the certainty of her choice pushed her out of bed.
Her energy was manic as she got ready and walked to Troy’s house. It was after nine, so she hoped that Troy would be awake.
Caitlin walked right in, the door still unlocked from the previous night, and found Troy in the kitchen making breakfast.
“Hey babe, I didn’t know you were coming over this morning. Want some pancakes?”
“No, thanks. I actually need to talk to you about something.” Caitlin sat at the kitchen island. The distance between them felt necessary.
“Is everything okay?” Troy asked, worried.
“You’re a really great boyfriend, Troy.” She swallowed, then pushed out the words. “I know we’ve been together for a long time, but I just don’t feel the same way that you do anymore.”
“Wait… are you breaking up with me?” Troy dropped the spatula. “Where the hell is this coming from?”
“Oh, come on, Troy. We’ve been dating since we were kids, back when you flirted by tugging on my ponytail.
” She paused, letting her statement sink in.
“Things change, people change. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but we aren’t those same kids anymore.
I’ve been trying to pretend that it still feels the same, like we’re still us, but that’s not true. ”
Caitlin watched Troy, standing with his mouth slack, the dropped spatula still on the floor.
She softened her voice. “I care about you too much to keep faking something that doesn’t feel real anymore.”
“You’re joking, right? Are you filming this?” Troy spun in a circle, searching for a hidden camera.
“I’m not joking, Troy, I’m sorry. I know it won’t be easy, but I hope that we can go back to being friends someday.”
Troy just looked at her, anger coloring his face.
“Screw you, Caitlin. Get out of my house.” Troy turned his back to her, not waiting for a response or to see if she obeyed.
Caitlin felt horrible. She had known this part wouldn’t be easy, but she couldn’t stay in the relationship any longer just to spare his feelings. And now, she was one step closer to Gemma.
The sidewalk felt longer than usual, every stride tightening the knot in her stomach. What if Gemma wasn’t home? Or worse, what if Emily had spent the night? The unknowns pressed in, howling louder than the autumn wind, but Caitlin kept walking. She had to see this through.
Hands trembling, Caitlin folded her fingers into her palm and knocked on Gemma’s front door.
It took a few minutes, but when she heard footsteps coming down the stairs on the other side, Caitlin held her breath.
“Caitlin?” Gemma opened the door. “What are you doing here?”
Even in sweatpants and a wild tangle of hair, Gemma stopped Caitlin’s heart.
“Can we please talk?”
Gemma squinted as the sun peeked out from behind the clouds.
Caitlin held up the coffees and bagels she’d picked up at the bakery on her way over. “I didn’t come empty-handed.”
Gemma took a paper cup from the tray without a word and led Caitlin into the kitchen.
“Just give me five minutes. If you still don’t want me here, I’ll go.”
They sat down at the kitchen table, and Gemma took a sip of the hot caffeine in her hand. “We only got coffee together once, how’d you remember my order?”
Caitlin’s face burned as she shrugged her shoulders. Her memory wasn’t that great, and her school grades reflected it, but somehow, she remembered everything about Gemma.
“Okay, so why are you here?” Gemma asked, looking a little lighter now that she had her morning lifeline.
“I know I’ve been acting insane lately… I’m sorry for cornering you in the bathroom at Troy’s party, I don’t know what the hell I was thinking,” Caitlin started, trying to keep her voice steady while her leg bounced with anxiety.
She took a deep breath and went on. “I’ve been messy, and toxic, and honestly, I know that I don’t deserve another shot.
But if you gave me one… Gemma, I swear I’d do things right this time. ”
Gemma lifted an eyebrow, just as unconvinced as she had been two nights prior.
Caitlin’s voice dropped, barely above a whisper. “I ended it with Troy this morning. I don’t want anyone else, Gemma. I just want you. And I can wait if I have to.”
“You broke up with Troy?” Gemma sounded genuinely surprised.
“Yeah... I saw you leave the party with Emily Friday night, and it destroyed me. I hated seeing you with someone else. I swear, every time I saw you kiss her, I thought my heart would rip itself in half. I kinda hoped it would.”
“You really hurt me, Caitlin. Like, not just a little, either. I cried myself to sleep the night that you kicked me out of your house.” Gemma’s arms folded across her chest as she cleared her throat.
“And now you’re here saying all the things I wanted to hear months ago, just because I found someone else. ”
Caitlin moved to interrupt, but Gemma stopped her.
“No, that wasn’t a question. My question is, how do I know you won’t just disappear again?”
Caitlin slid her chair closer to Gemma. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I don’t think this feeling could ever ‘just disappear.’”
Gemma sat in silence for a long beat before she finally spoke again. “After we left Troy’s party, I walked Emily back home and told her that I couldn’t be with her anymore. She deserves someone who can give their whole heart.”
Caitlin’s mind whirled, trying to make sure she understood Gemma’s meaning. “Wait, are you saying…?”
The corners of Gemma’s mouth turned up even as she tried to stop them.
“I’m saying…” Gemma was dragging this out, playing with her, and Caitlin’s heart leapt within her chest as she hung on Gemma’s words.
“That I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the day we met.
And when you kissed me Friday night, I knew my feelings hadn’t gone away, either. ”
Caitlin’s smile reached her eyes. She stood, hovering over Gemma.
Reaching down, she cupped Gemma’s face with both hands and pressed their lips together.
This kiss was deeper than the first two they had shared.
Unrestrained and vulnerable, this kiss was the direct result of knowing that nothing stood in their way now.
Wanting privacy in case one of her parents returned early, Gemma led Caitlin up the stairs to her bedroom and shut the door. Without a word, the two crawled into her bed, rearranging until Gemma was lying on her back, her arms wrapped around Caitlin.
Caitlin lay on her side, caressing Gemma’s cheek and looking into her eyes. “Eres mi toro,” she whispered.
Gemma’s chest began to bounce with laughter, catching Caitlin off guard. Why was she laughing at her?
“Wait, what’s so funny?” Caitlin asked, sitting up. She had remembered the line from Spanish class and thought it was sweet.
“You just said you’re my bull.”
Caitlin giggled, dropping her head back onto Gemma’s chest in embarrassment. “Well, you are pretty stubborn. I guess I should really pay more attention to Senora Lopez, though.”
“Eres mi todo,” Gemma corrected, still laughing, and intertwined their fingers as they sank into the bed. “You’re my everything.”
Caitlin carefully repeated the words as Gemma pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head. Her tension melted away and the world outside faded. For the first time in weeks, Caitlin’s mind was crystal clear. She was exactly where she belonged.
A FEW WEEKS LATER, CAITLIN felt ready to burst. She and Gemma had decided to keep their relationship quiet for a while, out of respect for Troy and Emily.
So instead of holding hands down the catwalk or kissing between classes, they had passed notes.
Lots of notes. So many notes, in fact, that Caitlin’s desk drawer in her room had begun to overflow with the small scraps of paper.
They had continued to eat lunch separately—Caitlin with her cheer squad, Gemma with Darbie—but as they left the lunchroom that day, Caitlin had grabbed Gemma’s forearm and tugged her through the nearest closed door.
When Caitlin flicked on the light, they both laughed. They were standing inside the janitor’s closet, but that wouldn’t stop her. Her fingers curled around Gemma’s waist as she drew their bodies together. Caitlin kissed her as if she hadn’t felt her lips in weeks, not merely hours.
“Hmm, missed me that much, huh?” Gemma teased, mumbling into the kiss.
Caitlin hummed with delight as their mouths moved naturally together, the moment feeling edgy and surreal.
After all the months of aching and wondering, she was living her fantasy.
She wrapped her arms tighter around Gemma, heart racing, and they stumbled slightly, knocking into something with a soft thud and a splash.
They pulled apart, startled. Somehow, a mop had tipped from its bucket, sending water across the tile and soaking their sneakers.
For a heartbeat, they just stared. Then they burst into laughter, loud enough that they could probably be heard from the other side of the door.
“Wanna come over after practice tonight?” Caitlin asked, glancing at the puddle and thinking that there were definitely better places to do this.
“If there’s going to be more kissing, then yes.” Gemma grinned, brushing her lips against Caitlin’s one last time before they slipped back into the hallway. It was empty now, meaning they would be late for class. Again.
A few minutes later as Caitlin sank into her seat, damp sneakers squeaking slightly, she couldn’t stop smiling.
Her heart felt full. And while part of her still worried what people would eventually say when their relationship went public, she couldn’t wait to show off her love for Gemma to the world—she was finally hers.