Chapter 20
TWENTY
IT WAS SIX O’CLOCK BY the time Gemma finally collapsed into her sofa after her day of filming.
The sun wouldn’t set for a few hours still, but her exhaustion was bone-deep.
She couldn’t wait to sleep in the next day.
She pulled out her phone and turned off her daily alarm, determined to stay in bed until at least nine a.m.
It was Friday again, a whole week since her surprising twenty-ninth birthday, and her call times the past few mornings had been so ridiculously early that she hadn’t seen Hayley for coffee all week.
The last time they had spoken, Hayley had found Gemma crumpled onto her bedroom floor, sobbing into the box of keepsakes.
Hayley had helped her into bed that night, holding Gemma until she cried herself to sleep.
Gemma hadn’t gotten the chance to explain, and Hayley hadn’t pressed.
Without her personal sounding board to help her process what had happened with Caitlin, Gemma had moved through the past two weeks on autopilot—doing her best to shove the messy, unresolved ache for Caitlin beneath the surface.
She feared it was about to erupt.
Gemma: Wine at my place tonight?
Hayley: You had me at wine.
Gemma: See you in an hour. Please don't look cute.
Exactly sixty minutes later, Hayley walked into Gemma’s apartment carrying a bag of takeout from their favorite Chinese restaurant.
Gemma was relieved to see that Hayley was in a comfortable pair of sweatpants, the top half of her short hair secured with a small claw clip. Gemma wasn’t in the mood for appearances tonight.
“I figured you hadn’t eaten dinner yet.”
“You know me so well.” Gemma pecked her best friend on the cheek, moving toward the kitchen to grab plates and silverware for their dinner.
After they had eaten, Gemma was ready to flop onto her couch again. But she had a strong suspicion that the next conversation would be easier with wine, so before getting comfortable, she pulled out two long-stemmed glasses from the cabinet.
“I know that pour,” Hayley said, one eyebrow raised as she pointed to the wine glasses in Gemma’s hands. “What’s going on?”
Gemma sank into the couch and took a sip. Okay, maybe it was more of a gulp.
“I don’t even know where to start, Hay.” Gemma sighed. She already knew Hayley’s opinion of Caitlin.
“Well… why don’t you fill me in on why I found you knee deep in that box of stuff from Caitlin? I haven’t seen that thing since college.”
Gemma nodded, taking a deep breath.
“Wait—let me catch up first.” Hayley matched Gemma’s previous gulp, finishing half of her wine. “Okay, go ahead.”
“Alright. So. Last week, we had to shoot that sex scene.” Gemma dove right in, wanting to get everything out in the open before she lost her buzz. “And the night you found me, my birthday, Caitlin took me out after work.”
“Um, what?” Hayley curled her nose at the idea.
If Hayley was repulsed by that, Gemma was in for a real treat when she got to the part about what had happened a few days prior.
Buying herself a little more time, Gemma told Hayley about the surprise gifts she had found in her trailer, which had ultimately convinced her to accept Caitlin’s invitation that night.
“So where’d she take you? Some bougie-ass restaurant with a waitlist so that she could flaunt her fame and fortune?” Hayley scoffed. She wasn’t exactly Caitlin’s biggest fan.
“No, actually. She took me to Dave & Buster’s,” Gemma said, holding up a hand. “And before you laugh, she took me there to play DDR. It was kind of our thing back in high school.”
“I hate that I’m about to say this, but that’s actually kind of cute,” Hayley admitted, rolling her eyes.
Gemma looked away to gather herself as she geared up to tell Hayley the rest. “I know, right? I don’t know what to think—or feel.”
Hayley narrowed her eyes, cautiously asking, “Am I missing a part of the story here? I feel like there’s more.”
“I slept with Caitlin.”
Hayley choked on her wine, doubling over into a coughing fit.
“Like fake, for the movie?” Hayley asked after clearing her throat. “Sorry, you caught me off guard. I thought you meant…”
Gemma plucked Hayley’s glass from her hands and placed it onto the table beside her own. Her next words weren’t going to go over well.
“No, not just for the movie… we had sex in my trailer right before shooting the scene.”
“YOU WHAT!?” Hayley lunged across the couch toward Gemma, grabbing her by the forearm. “Gem, what the actual fuck? And you waited how many days to tell me this? How the hell did that happen!?”
Gemma replayed it all for Hayley, from McKenzie Ryan’s threat to replace them, to the escalating confrontation, and ending with Gemma climbing into Caitlin’s lap.
“I don’t know what got into me, Hay. But… I don’t regret it.” Gemma paused, but Hayley was uncharacteristically silent. “I’ve been trying so hard to hate her, thinking maybe that would be easier than admitting I actually miss her.”
Hayley just shook her head at Gemma, baffled.
Feeling self-conscious, Gemma reached over and refilled their glasses with more Pinot Grigio.
“Well, that was definitely not what I expected to hear tonight,” Hayley said, accepting the glass of wine.
“Trust me, it was an even bigger shock for me.”
“Fuck, Gem. Please tell me you’re not falling for her bullshit again. Do you not remember what she did to you?”
“Of course I fucking remember.” That had been a low blow, and Hayley knew it.
“Gem, it took you years to get over her. Please don’t go down this road again.”
“I know, Hay, I know. You’re right—she destroyed me. In my head, I know that. But when I’m with her… I just can’t seem to get my heart on the same page.” Gemma groaned and threw her head into her hands.
She felt the cushion shift as Hayley wrapped an arm around her. “I’m not trying to make this worse. I want to be here for you, but I really think this is dangerous territory.”
“I know, but I can’t avoid her right now. We need to finish this movie.”
Her best friend rubbed gentle circles across her back, a trick she had learned to soothe Gemma back in college.
A knock at the door startled them both.
Hayley looked to Gemma, bewildered. Gemma was just as confused. The only person she ever had over was Hayley, and she was already there.
Shrugging, Gemma carefully set her wine glass onto the coffee table and moved to answer the door.
Her stomach bottomed out.
“Hi.” Caitlin’s greeting was soft, a smile playing across her lips.
Before Gemma could respond, Hayley spoke up over her shoulder, “Oh, hell no!”
“It’s nice to see you too, Hayley,” Caitlin said flatly, her smile fading.
“You aren’t welcome here.” Hayley now stood in the doorway like a guard dog between Caitlin and Gemma.
“Let’s not do this out in the hallway, please.” Gemma waved Caitlin inside. She closed the door and angled herself between Caitlin and Hayley.
“What do you want, Caitlin?” Hayley asked, annoyance flashing across her face.
“Still speaking for Gemma, I see,” Caitlin sniped.
“Still the same bitch, I see,” Hayley quipped back.
“Alright, enough!” Gemma stepped in before any hair pulling began. “Caitlin, why are you here?”
“I wanted to check in and see how you were doing.”
“So now you care about her?” Hayley sneered.
“I’ve always cared about her, Hayley.” Gemma could tell that Caitlin was trying to keep her cool, but it wouldn’t last much longer.
“Bullshit. You’ve only ever cared about yourself. Remind me, where have you been the past ten years?”
“Stop!” Gemma demanded, raising her voice and throwing her hands up between the two of them. “Hay, I appreciate you standing up for me, and you know I love you, but I think Caitlin and I need to talk.”
Gemma watched as Caitlin shot a victory smirk at Hayley, who stuck her tongue out in return.
Hayley stomped out of the apartment, but not before kissing Gemma on the cheek and whispering, “Call me if you need help hiding the body.”
Gemma couldn’t help but blow out a small chuckle. Gemma might be the actress, but Hayley would always be the drama queen.
“Wine?” Gemma offered, filling the silence until Caitlin was ready to explain why she had shown up at Gemma’s door.
“Sure.” Caitlin followed Gemma further into her apartment. “It’s good to see nothing’s changed between you two.”
Gemma grabbed another long-stemmed glass. “She lives next door.”
Caitlin laughed. “Why does that not surprise me?”
Gemma smiled as they made their way over to the couch.
“So, why are you checking in on me?” Gemma asked, feeling off balance from her conversation with Hayley.
Caitlin took a sip of wine before she answered. “I know I said that you can have as much time as you need, and you can, but Gemma… we had sex last week. Don’t you want to talk about it?”
“Nope, I’m fine.” Gemma’s walls were back up, although slightly weaker now than before.
“You sure? I didn’t do anything to make you mad at me, did I?” Caitlin asked, genuinely worried.
Oh, that’s rich.
“You mean aside from disappearing for nine years?” Gemma snapped, her voice defensive. The air between them felt tangled and uncertain.
“We should…” Caitlin looked out of sorts. “Talk about how that made you feel.”
“You want to know how that made me feel?” Gemma paced the length of the living room, wine sloshing in her glass as tension tightened every breath. “I’m fucking pissed, Caitlin.”
“Gem—”
“No,” she cut Caitlin off, her blood starting to boil. It was her turn to talk. “Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? How many nights I cried myself to sleep, wondering why I wasn’t enough for you? And now I feel like a fucking idiot for falling for it again.”
Caitlin walked over to Gemma and tried to wrap her arms around her.
“Don’t!” Gemma barked, pushing Caitlin away. “I don’t need you to protect me or comfort me, Caitlin. I need to protect myself from you.”
“I’m sorry,” Caitlin spoke softly, looking down at the empty carpet between them.
Tears pricked behind Gemma’s eyes. “You wanted to know how I feel, so there you go.”
For a moment, neither of them spoke as Gemma’s words hung heavy between them.
“Don’t you want to know how I’m feeling?” Caitlin finally asked.
No.
“Sure, go ahead,” Gemma said instead.
Caitlin’s shoulders fell as she sighed. “When I first saw you at the chemistry read, everything I’ve ever felt for you came rushing back. And then we had sex, and everything became so clear. Gemma, I never stopped—”
“No. Please don’t finish that sentence, Caitlin. It doesn’t matter, it’s never going to happen again. We were feeling vulnerable, and we made a mistake.” Gemma wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince Caitlin or herself of that.
After a long moment, Caitlin asked, “Do you want me to leave?”
Caitlin searched Gemma’s face, waiting for any indication of a response. Not finding one, she stood and headed toward the front door.
Gemma only watched. Her gaze unfocused, unable to bring herself to stop Caitlin from leaving.
As she turned the door handle, Caitlin looked back over her shoulder and said sadly, “Goodnight, Gemma. Eres mi toro.”
Gemma felt like she had just been punched in the gut. Caitlin’s parting words ripped her heart out of her chest. She let herself cry that night, tumbling through the wake of emotions Caitlin had left behind.