Chapter 21 #2
“I honestly don’t know what to do about Gemma. I’m doing my best to just keep showing up and let her set the pace.” Caitlin sighed. “As for Michelle, well, we haven’t spoken much lately. We said we’d wait and see what happens once I’m back in LA, but I still owe her a call.”
Maddie nodded, taking it all in. “What do you want from all this?”
Caitlin ran through the last fourteen years in her head—the flutter in her stomach whenever Gemma was near, the electric surge whenever they touched, and the way Gemma looked at her, even now, like she might still love her.
“I want her.” Caitlin didn’t flinch.
Maddie intently held her gaze. “If that’s how you feel, then you have to go after her.”
Caitlin drew the glass to her lips and stared at the rim, lost in thought.
“I’m not sure that it matters what I want, though,” she admitted. “I really messed up, and I don’t think Gemma’s going to give me another chance.”
Caitlin looked up at Maddie just in time to see her eyes focus on something, or someone, over her shoulder.
“I know that look.” Caitlin gave her friend a coy smile.
“God, look at those curves. Whew, she’s stunning.” Maddie’s eyes widened as she stared toward the bar. “Short black hair, gray pencil skirt, on your six o’clock.” Maddie directed Caitlin.
Caitlin shifted to see the woman in question, abruptly whipping back around to Maddie, her heart racing.
“Do you know her?” Maddie asked, reading the expression on Caitlin’s face.
“That’s Hayley, Gemma’s best friend,” Caitlin whispered. “And—shit.”
“What’s wrong?” Nervous, Maddie leaned forward.
“And that’s Gemma.”
Maddie looked again, squinting. “How can you tell from behind?”
Caitlin gave her friend a flat look.
“Okay, okay. I will not question your knowledge of Gemma’s ass again.” Maddie held up her hands in defense. “Should we ask them to join us?”
“No,” Caitlin snapped.
There were over two thousand bars in New York City, yet Caitlin couldn’t seem to muster any shock at the fact that Gemma had chosen the same one on the same night.
“Well, I don’t know if you have a choice because they’re headed this way.”
Before Caitlin could respond, Maddie mouthed Sorry, rose, and approached the two women.
“Hey,” Maddie said from a few feet away, pulling her signature move. “My friend and I are having drinks right over there. Would you two like to join us?”
Caitlin tried to hide her face as she listened to the interaction.
Within moments, Maddie was back in her seat, and Caitlin could tell that they were no longer alone. She looked up to find Gemma and Hayley now occupying the plush forest green chairs on the other side of the square table.
Gemma’s gaze landed on her, her whole face softening into a surprised, genuine smile.
“Hey,” Caitlin and Gemma breathed in unison, as if they were the only two in the room.
The sound of Maddie clearing her throat brought Caitlin back to her surroundings.
“Hey Gemma. I’m Maddie. I’ve heard so much about you.”
Caitlin kicked her best friend in the shin under the table.
“I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, but it’s nice to meet you.” Gemma laughed softly, reaching out to shake Maddie’s hand.
“Hi Hayley,” Caitlin managed, smiling tightly. She wondered whether Gemma knew that Hayley had hunted her down that morning.
“Caitlin.”
Well, that was better than their last few interactions.
“Hayley, this is Maddie,” Caitlin hesitantly made the introduction, waiting for something to go terribly wrong.
“It’s so nice to meet you,” Maddie said earnestly. She hadn’t looked away from Hayley since they had sat down. “I noticed you, over by the bar… you’re stunning. Truly.”
Gemma and Caitlin shared a wide-eyed glance across the table, then turned to see Hayley’s face turn light pink.
Caitlin wasn’t sure if she had ever seen Hayley blush before. Hayley was always so put together, carefully composed, and never gave anything away unless she chose to.
“So.” Gemma took a sip from her drink. “Are you two—?” Gemma pointed between Maddie and her.
“She wishes.” Caitlin chuckled.
“Only in her dreams,” Maddie sang.
Gemma and Caitlin laughed, but Hayley wasn’t amused.
“Juice Wrld? Really?” Caitlin asked.
“Hey, watch your tone. ‘Jeffrey’ is a great song.”
Gemma smiled at their easy banter and raised an eyebrow at Caitlin, asking a wordless question.
“Maddie’s been my closest friend ever since I moved to LA. Our agent introduced us,” Caitlin offered in explanation.
“Damn, it’s been almost ten years now?” Maddie commented.
Caitlin stiffened. Across from her, Gemma mirrored the movement.
Not noticing the sudden discomfort, Maddie went on. “Yeah, you moved in with me in June. No wait, it was May.”
Caitlin watched as Gemma’s hand gripped her glass tighter. Beside her, Hayley’s jaw tightened. They didn’t say anything, but they didn’t need to. Caitlin knew that they were calculating the timeline and connecting the dots.
Hayley scoffed into her drink, and Caitlin couldn’t tell if she was trying to hide her judgment or call attention to it.
“Do you have something you’d like to add?” Maddie asked Hayley, finally reading Caitlin’s unease.
Caitlin wondered if she should intervene. A faceoff between those two would end poorly for everyone. They were both viciously loyal, and Caitlin knew that Maddie would defend her just as fiercely as Hayley defended Gemma.
“So, you’re an actress too, huh?” Hayley looked at Maddie.
“I am. Is there something wrong with that?” Maddie stood her ground.
“Nope, Caitlin just seems to have a type.” Hayley’s voice was laced with implication.
“You don’t know anything about me,” Maddie retorted.
Caitlin and Gemma could only sit and watch as the two traded jabs, helpless to stop the fight from escalating.
“I’ve already learned enough,” Hayley muttered.
The tension at the table was severed by an oblivious young waiter. “Can I get anyone another drink?”
All four responded with the same urgent yes.
“Scotch on the rocks, please,” Gemma spoke first, “with a twist.”
Caitlin eyed Gemma. “You hate scotch.”
“Maybe I used to.”
Caitlin doubled the order and watched the server disappear.
When Gemma excused herself, Caitlin stood moments after, not far behind. She walked into the bathroom and met Gemma’s eyes in the mirror. Gemma had both hands planted on the black-and-white marble as she leaned over the sink.
“Caitlin, you don’t need to check up on me.”
“I know I don’t, but I wanted to.” A look passed between them, broken when Caitlin crossed to the counter and faced her.
Gemma turned, pressing her hip against the edge of the surface. “It’s weird—our worlds colliding like this.”
“Yeah, a little. But I’m happy you’re here. It was a nice surprise to see you tonight.”
You have to go after her.
“I miss you, Gemma. It could be like this again, you know.”
Gemma let out a dry laugh. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that.”
Caitlin stared into Gemma’s golden-brown eyes. “Tell me you feel the same way. Tell me you felt what I did that day in your trailer.”
“I can’t, Caitlin.”
“Why? Why can’t you, Gemma?” Caitlin pressed.
Gemma slid her fingers into Caitlin’s, interlacing them together. “Do you want to know why I drink scotch now?”
“Why?” Caitlin leaned closer, confused by the sudden change in Gemma’s demeanor.
“Because it reminded me of you.”
Time seemed to slow around Caitlin.
Gemma’s eyes begged her to understand. “I was spiraling, grasping for anything that could make me feel like you were still here. I couldn’t bear losing you, Caitlin.
I kept remembering your kiss—the scotch on your lips, the tang on your breath—so I started drinking it too, just to taste you again. I guess I never learned to stop.”
Too many questions bombarded Caitlin at once. How was she intended to interpret that? Was Gemma telling her that she still has feelings, too? Gemma looked sincere, so why was she putting up so many walls?
Before Caitlin could choose a question, Gemma sighed. “Come on. Let’s get back and make sure those two haven’t killed each other.”
“Maybe they’re already making out. I’m not sure what that energy was back there,” Caitlin joked half-heartedly. When Gemma didn’t reply, she said, “Go ahead, I’ll meet you out there in a minute.”
Gemma hesitated but then left.
Not seconds after, tears broke free, hot and sudden.
Caitlin began to shake with sobs, shame erupting into molten streams that flowed down her face and washed away her perfect mask of makeup.
She cried for the years she had lost to time and distance, for the pain that she had single-handedly caused, and for the worst decision of her life.
Caitlin had never allowed herself to break open like that. She feared what would happen—the safe pieces of excuses would fall away, and she would have to face the truth that she had ruined the most important relationship of her life, potentially forever.
After a few minutes, Caitlin leveled her breathing, blew her nose, and dabbed her face with a cloth from the sink. She didn’t have anything to fix her makeup, but she doubted it would have made a difference. Everyone out there would be able to see through it.
When Caitlin returned to the table, the other three women seemed to be talking easily. It was a small win, but she would take it.
The trio looked up at her arrival, forcing smiles as they saw through her own. Caitlin leaned back against the couch as Maddie slid closer, reaching for her hand. They didn’t need to exchange words for Caitlin to feel comforted by her presence.
Self-conscious and eager to move on, Caitlin teased, “Glad to see you two have kissed and made up.” She let out a breathy laugh and looked between Hayley and Maddie, trying to shift the focus.
Maddie and Hayley snorted while Gemma managed a small, awkward smile.
“Should we have another round, or call it a night?” Maddie asked the table, though Caitlin knew the question was really for her.
“One more round,” Caitlin answered, and they all agreed.
After four new glasses arrived, the conversation stayed light, and the evening smoothed into a pleasant blur.
“Thanks for the drinks, Caitlin. You didn’t have to pick up the bill.” Hayley’s voice held an edge of true uneasiness.
“You’re welcome. I wanted to.” She meant it.
Outside, Gemma crossed the small stretch of sidewalk and hugged Caitlin. “Thank you. I’ll see you at work, okay? Get back safe.”
They all said goodnight, paired off, and headed in opposite directions.
Maddie slid an arm around Caitlin’s waist and said gently, “Let’s get you out of here.”
Caitlin rested her head on Maddie’s shoulder as they drove back to their hotel.
Once they had reached their floor, Maddie pulled Caitlin to a stop. “Before you leave, can we talk about Hayley for a second? She’s got this sexy, mean-girl thing going on, don’t you think? It’s hot.”
Caitlin laughed and nudged Maddie toward her own suite door. “Goodnight, Mads.”
“Night. Call me if you need anything. Oh, and send me Hayley’s number—please?” Maddie called after her as Caitlin turned down the hallway.
FIVE O’CLOCK CAME EARLY THE next morning, and Caitlin was hardly awake for her call time with Maddie and Brad for Good Morning America. The segment moved steadily as the three spoke about Ticket to Rio’s upcoming release, answering audience questions and sharing official behind-the-scenes footage.
After grabbing a quick bite, they were transported to SoHo for the filming of their next promotional episode of Watch What Happens Live. Which went about as smoothly as Caitlin had expected.
They had started with a similar interview to the last, discussing release dates and another look at the sneak peek footage.
Caitlin had learned to sidestep the most common question—“Tell us, Caitlin, why did you break up with poor Brad?”—with a well-rehearsed line about creative differences.
Never satisfied, the host and fans pressed on, and the interview began to feel like an interrogation.
The follow-up question pointed out the impressive on-screen chemistry between Caitlin and Brad, asking if Caitlin had ever been that fiercely in love in real life, allowing her to channel the emotion so easily.
Caitlin surprised herself by answering more honestly than she typically would. “I have, actually. I still am, to be quite frank,” she said steadily. “I think that I ruined my chance there, but I still picture her in every scene.”
Her.
The truth had come out so freely, and Caitlin was feeling too jaded to fight it. While never specifically hiding her sexuality, Caitlin had always done her best to avoid highlighting it. She wanted to be known for her talent, not who she took to bed. But suddenly, she couldn’t care less.
Tucked under the sheets that night, yet unable to sleep, Caitlin was surprised to see Michelle’s name pop up on her phone as it rang quietly.
“Hey Michelle.”
It must have been almost midnight in LA, and aside from a few texts, she hadn’t spoken to Michelle in nearly three weeks.
“Hi,” Michelle stated, devoid of emotion.
“I’ve been meaning to call you. I’m sorry I haven’t reached out sooner. How have you been?”
“I’ve been okay.” Michelle sounded distant. “I hope I’m not interrupting you. I know it’s late there, but I wanted to talk.”
“No, you’re not.” Caitlin could guess where the conversation was headed. “Is everything alright?”
“Not really… Look, I don’t know if I even have a place to say anything, but I like you, Caitlin, and I really thought we’d have a chance to see where this goes when you’re finished in New York.” Michelle paused, taking a deep breath. “I saw Watch What Happens Live.”
Shit.
She hadn’t even considered that Michelle might watch it.
“You were talking about her, weren’t you? Your ex—Gemma?”
Caitlin’s silence served as an answer while she tried to come up with her next words.
“I’m sorry, Michelle. These feelings have been a recent shock to me, too, but I still should have told you sooner.” Caitlin felt a pang of guilt for the way Michelle had gotten caught in the middle of her mess.
After another prolonged silence, Caitlin pulled her phone away from her ear to make sure the call was still connected.
“Well, I appreciate your honesty,” Michelle said finally. “I hope it all works out. I really do.”
A long exhale escaped Caitlin’s lips as she stared at the ceiling in the dark room, heavy-lidded from the long day… Who was she kidding? Long months.