Chapter 25
TWENTY-FIVE
READY LIKE NEVER BEFORE, GEMMA stood on the brink of filming Kate and Sarah’s explosive breakup.
Years-old anguish lurked beneath her skin, threatening to erupt at any moment.
Fourteen years of longing and loss sat in the room with her, ready to inflict another blow.
She had everything she needed to make the scene raw and honest.
She believed Caitlin’s insistence that there was no one else—Gemma felt the same way.
But it didn’t change the fact that every time they came together, it ended the same way, with Gemma hurt and in tears.
She couldn’t ignore the universe’s hard truth that she and Caitlin would only ever cause each other pain.
The cameras started to roll, and the assistant director yelled, “Action!”
Transforming into Kate, Caitlin began telling Sarah she couldn’t be with her anymore because of her husband. Kate lifted her sleeve to show Sarah the bruises and, with a shaking voice, recounted the violence that had awaited her after Sarah’s Broadway debut.
Sarah broke down, crying for what Kate had endured and for the death of their shared future. She begged Kate to stay, to choose her, but Kate stepped back and walked out.
The calm, rational part of Gemma knew that none of it was real. It was just a movie, and they were acting, but it felt like her own wound was being reopened for the world to see. Each line gnawed at her more than the last, parallel scenes flashing through her memories.
Sarah kissing Kate for the first time, aching and inevitable.
The taste of Caitlin’s cherry lip balm, geometry textbook still opened in Gemma’s lap.
Kate choosing the man who hurts her instead of the woman who loves her.
Caitlin’s face washed with an unreadable mask as she asked Gemma to leave.
A hastily scrawled note—“I’m doing this for both of us.”
Fact and fiction tangled together into one unbearable knot.
When the final line came, Gemma couldn’t say it. The director never stopped rolling, capturing every tremor of emotion on Gemma’s face as they restarted the scene again and again.
Caitlin’s hands were trembling, the vulnerability in her voice confirming that Gemma was not alone in this raging storm. They had both carried the weight of their past into the scene.
Gemma had lost track of the number of takes as she began the last beat again, tears already dripping down her face as she remembered the day Caitlin had left.
She had returned to their room early the next morning, prepared to tell Caitlin that they would go to LA together—that she would follow Caitlin to the ends of the earth, no matter what.
Gemma would finish school in California while Caitlin filmed the movie, and she would be on her arm for the premiere, dressed in a shade of blue that would bring out Caitlin’s eyes.
Gemma would do whatever it took, as long as they were together.
But the bed was cold, and Caitlin was already gone. She had sunk to her knees, each breath allowing the dagger to pierce deeper into her chest. The letter, folded in half on her pillow, had read like a verdict. It was over.
Gemma felt herself rip apart, and she channeled her ruined heart into Sarah with one final breath. “I can’t lose you.”
“Cut!” The director strode over to where Gemma had dropped to her knees, sobbing as the image of the empty closet flashed behind her eyelids.
McKenzie Ryan was saying something to them, but Gemma couldn’t hear it over the sound of her heart shattering. She pushed herself to her feet and rushed off the set and into her trailer.
“I need a minute!” Gemma shouted toward the knock on her door.
“Gem, it’s me. Can I come in?” Caitlin asked from the other side.
Gemma didn’t want to say no, not to her, but she didn’t know if Caitlin’s presence would help or hurt.
Caitlin slowly opened the door, apparently taking Gemma’s silent turmoil as an answer. She hesitated at first, but when she saw Gemma crying on the couch, Caitlin immediately went to her side, wrapping both arms around her.
Gemma collapsed into her embrace, her sobs ragged and relentless.
When Gemma’s breathing began to slow, Caitlin handed her a tissue. She pushed it away and wiped her face on her sleeve, the tissue feeling too flimsy for her jagged edges.
Her eyes felt raw, mascara streaked, and cheeks wet, but she lifted her steady gaze to Caitlin. “You vanished in the middle of the night. Did I really mean so little to you?”
Caitlin seemed to search for the right words.
“Four years together, and you left me with a note. A
fucking note, Caitlin. Do you know how insane that is?” Gemma’s voice cut through the trailer. “Then nine years of silence until we get cast together. Would you have ever reached out if this hadn’t happened?” The rage she had kept buried broke loose. There would be no going back now.
“Gem, I...” Caitlin faltered, unprepared, but Gemma refused to walk away again without answers.
“You what?” Gemma demanded, her voice rising before suddenly collapsing into a broken whisper. “Why’d you leave me behind, Caitlin?”
Caitlin didn’t move. She barely breathed. Silence hung between them, but Gemma was done speaking. It was Caitlin’s turn.
Caitlin sighed in resignation. “I was so young and so stupid, Gemma. I thought I had to choose—LA and my career, or you and Pennsylvania. I panicked.” Her blue eyes drained with regret.
Not understanding, Gemma waited for her to continue.
“Don’t you get it, Squish? The only thing worse than losing you would have been losing you slowly,” she said wearily.
“I couldn’t stand the idea of long distance tearing us apart.
Missed calls and holidays, days stretched into months without kissing you—piece by piece, you would have grown to resent me.
I could feel the silence growing between us before I even left.
I thought that if I gave us a clean break, it would hurt less than watching you painfully fall out of love with me. ”
Caitlin met Gemma’s gaze. “I couldn’t let you become a stranger, so I became your enemy.”
“That wasn’t your decision to make!” Gemma burst before steadying her voice. “Did you ever once think about what I would choose?”
“I waited until four in the morning for you to come home, and you never did. It seemed like you had made your choice.”
Gemma scoffed. “Caitlin, I left because I needed time to process the fact that you had decided to move across the country without me. But for fuck’s sake, I didn’t even leave the apartment, I was only next door in Hayley’s room.”
Caitlin sat frozen, seemingly rendered mute.
Gemma barely paused before continuing, “Then I found that note you left, and it felt like proof that you had never really loved me. You don’t abandon the people you love.”
Caitlin dropped to her knees in front of Gemma, her eyes searching for a way back into her heart.
Gemma crossed her arms, resisting Caitlin’s embrace. Tears of agony swelled in her ocean-blue eyes, but Gemma knew if she let herself sink into them, she’d drown before hearing the words she’d waited years for.
“I’m so sorry, Gemma. I’m sorry for leaving the way I did.
I’m sorry for never reaching out. I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder for you—for us.
I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to come with me.
It was the worst decision I have ever made,” Caitlin said fervently.
“When you walked into that chemistry read, it felt like the universe was handing me a second chance.”
Gemma stared down at Caitlin on the floor and said flatly, “I had a ring.”
Caitlin’s face fell. She crumpled back to the cold wood, legs folding out from under her.
Gemma had never planned to tell Caitlin, but if they were going to put everything on the table, the ring was part of their story.
“I was going to propose that summer, before you left. I would have done anything for you, Caitlin, including moving across the country. We could have figured it out together, but you never even gave us a chance.” Her last words came out as a whisper.
Caitlin’s voice cracked as tears traced black streaks of mascara down her face. “Gemma… I didn’t know.” Her voice was so low that Gemma almost missed it.
“Well, how could you? You ended it in a letter and left for LA,” Gemma snapped.
“I’m still in love with you, Gemma. I never stopped loving you.” Caitlin’s words, choked with tears, were still painfully clear.
“No,” Gemma cut her off, her voice sharp as she shook her head. “I don’t care what your reason was, you made me feel like I was nothing to you. I could never trust you again. I’d spend the rest of my life waiting to find a note and an empty bed.”
Caitlin was silent, her hands clawing at her scalp as if to summon the right words.
“Look,” Gemma said quietly, kneeling down to meet Caitlin’s eyes. “You’ve made these last three months matter. I’ve missed you. Maybe trust can grow back. But that’s all I can give you right now.”
There was nothing left to say. With filming wrapped for the day, Gemma turned and walked out the trailer door, wanting to put as much distance between them as possible.
Inside her apartment building, Gemma found herself walking through Hayley’s door instead of her own as hot tears built up behind her eyes.
“Gem, what happened?” Hayley pushed back from the kitchen table and crossed the room.
Within seconds, Gemma found herself stumbling into her best friend’s arms—as always, Hayley caught her.
They moved to the living room so Gemma could tell her about the long-overdue conversation she had just had with Caitlin.
“Damn. I never thought Caitlin would admit that. How are you feeling about it?”
Gemma curled her legs up onto the couch, pulling them tightly against her chest. “I’m still so pissed. But I love her, too, Hay. I don’t know if I fell in love with her again or if I never stopped.”
“I don’t need to tell you that I’ve never been Caitlin’s biggest fan,” Hayley said, making a slow face, almost a wince.
“God, I hate that I’m even saying this. But…
honestly, I had always wondered if maybe she was the reason why you never dated anyone for more than a few months in the past ten years. ”
Gemma looked at Hayley through swollen, puffy eyes. Hayley had been there through the breakup, watched Gemma attempt to move on for years, and had probably known—even if Gemma herself hadn’t—that she’d never fully let Caitlin go.
Hayley wiped a tear from Gemma’s cheek. “You don’t have to make any decisions right now. But whatever you choose, I’ve got your back. You’ll always have me, Gem.”
Gemma rested her head on Hayley’s shoulder, grateful for Hayley’s steady presence as she crumbled over Caitlin. Again.
ON THE EVE OF THEIR final day on set, the air around the studio felt both electric and somber. Gemma had a bittersweet taste in her mouth as she headed to her trailer to pack up that night.
Despite everything, the movie was going to be a huge success. She could feel it. But tomorrow only held two final scenes—one with Caitlin, one without—and it left her feeling hollow. Gemma’s chest tightened at the thought that this might be the end of her story with Caitlin.
Gemma stepped into her small trailer, the space feeling like a second home now, and spotted an envelope on the table with a sticky note attached.
Gemma,
You should have gotten this a long time ago.
Always & Forever,
Caitlin
Gemma peeled off the small blue note, revealing a white envelope with age-yellowed corners addressed to her parents’ house in New Hope. The return address in the top left corner listed an apartment in Los Angeles. She didn’t recognize it, but she knew exactly who the letter was from.
A lump formed in her throat, and a feeling of loss washed over her. Gemma grabbed her bag and nearly ran back to her apartment. As soon as the door clicked shut behind her, Gemma dumped everything else onto the floor and stared at the letter, still gripped in her hand.
Popping the top on her best bottle of scotch, she filled a lowball glass halfway. She sank into her couch, took a long drink, and slit the envelope open.
Gemma,
I don’t even know where to start. I must have picked up my phone a thousand times since I left UPenn, wanting to hear your voice. I know it’s been two years, and this probably sounds insane, but I needed to see you. I wanted you to know I’m still thinking about you. I’m still in love with you.
I went to your UPenn graduation last month.
You looked stunning, Squish. You’ve always been able to make my heart skip, but watching you walk across that stage to receive your diploma—you were absolutely radiant.
And the smile on your face… God, I’ve always loved that smile.
It made me feel like maybe we aren’t broken.
I’m so sorry I left, Gemma. I thought fame would fill the hole inside of me, but when filming finished, I just felt empty. It all meant nothing without you. I should never have left with just a note. For that, I will be sorry for the rest of my life.
I don’t deserve you, I know that. I’ve messed up more times than I can count. Still, if there’s any small part of you that still loves me too, please—send me a sign. I’ve spent every day of the last two years trying to imagine how to make it right. I hope this letter can be the first step.
I’ll always be yours, Gemma. I’ll wait forever if I have to.
I miss you.
Always & Forever,
Caitlin
By the time Gemma got to the end, the page was spotted with tears. The ache in her chest swelled when she realized that Caitlin had not only written this seven years ago but had kept it safe long after deciding not to send it.
If Caitlin had sent the letter—if Gemma had received it—their lives may have turned out differently. But what was she supposed to do with it now?
In bed, Gemma curled onto her side, wearing Caitlin’s high school cheerleading T-shirt, the letter clutched to her heart as she cried herself dry.