6. Nikolai
6
NIKOLAI
O ver eleven years of history sit between us as heavy as this table. Years of friendship, then more, then hurt, then nothing, then tentative trust and back to friends.
It all plays out on Jane’s face as she guzzles her wine and leans back.
She looks good.
She’s never not looked good to me. She’s always been the most beautiful woman in the room, even when she doesn’t realize it.
But as the years have passed, she’s grown into herself more. She’s less tentative about taking up the space around her and has stopped wearing clothes that hide her curves rather than clinging to them.
Like what she’s wearing right now. Her black dress looks almost painted on with a higher neckline that still does nothing to conceal her cleavage. Lucky for me . Paired with a signature pair of heels that make her already long legs stretch for miles, I could drink her in all night.
She tucks her hair behind her ear, the thick, black, glossy curtain still covering one of her shoulders. You wouldn’t guess it by looking at her that she spent almost six hours on a flight today, after working this morning.
But that’s the thing about Jane.
She’s always had her shit together.
At least for appearance’s sake.
“Anyways,” she says, fiddling with the stack of papers. “Do you have any revisions to those sections, or can you keep it in your pants and be professional?”
She tries to play it off like a joke, but I don’t miss the hint of bitterness and jealousy that simmers beneath the surface. My cheeks flush at the image she’s seen of me over the years. The image everyone has of me.
I twirl one of my rings around my fingers, just to give myself something to do. “Yes. That’s all in the past.”
She gives me a disbelieving look.
“I swear. I don’t want that kind of bullshit in my life anymore.”
“What bullshit? Love?” she snarks.
I never loved any of them.
The words are on the tip of my tongue, but something stops me from telling her. It’s not like any of it would make a difference at this point. It can’t rewrite the past.
“I know I’ve earned my reputation, but it’s one I want to change with this fresh start,” I say, leaning forward. She eyes me critically, trying to figure out if I’m being sincere.
You know me better than they do, Jane , I plead with her silently.
Do I? she asks.
The title of being a player, or a fuck boy, isn’t one that I wear with pride. I don’t relish it, but I’ve also never made an effort to disprove it.
When I moved to LA and Whisper Me Nothings gained traction, I definitely indulged myself. Attention has always been something I’ve enjoyed, and I was getting it from women nonstop. All of us loved it.
After the shooting though…that’s when things took a turn for me. I couldn’t recognize it that time. But looking back, I know it was all a part of my spiral.
I never set out to hurt any of the women that I’ve been with. Each and every time I found myself falling for them, I didn’t tell them I love them, only to take it back as soon as it wore off because I thought it was some sort of game.
I was always terrified of those feelings, of saying those words, of the damage that they can do. But once I realized how short life is, I threw them around like they meant nothing instead of meaning everything. I hated living with the regret of withholding them once, and I didn’t want to do that again. It was like chasing a high. Needing to fill up the void that so many things had left inside.
But saying it always felt empty. It’s like the moment I took the words from my head and spoke them into existence, their entire importance diminished. They never lived up to how I thought they would feel, but I couldn’t take it back.
And after a couple years of repeating this cycle over and over again with woman after woman, I had to face the reality I’ve been running from for nine years.
That they’ve only ever been meant for one woman in particular.
The one woman who I can’t have because I already broke her heart. And her trust. And when I faced death that day in the gymnasium, she was my one singular regret.
Yes, I want her help with this contract. She has a sharp eye and is the most intelligent person I know. She also won’t let me get pushed around or get tied into some bullshit that will tank my career.
But I just wanted an excuse to see her again. To have her deep green eyes on me again, scanning me from head to toe when she thinks I’m not paying attention.
But I’m always paying attention where Jane is concerned.
“Well then, let’s move on to the next section,” she says, stirring me out of my thoughts. “Did you realize that this contract is for three solo albums?” Her eyes widen as she re-reads that part again.
“I did,” I say with a heavy sigh.
“And you’re okay with that?”
I shrug.
“That’s not an answer.”
I rub my jaw. “I guess so. I mean, I want to make music.”
She leans forward, her hair falling into her face. My hand twitches with the desire to tuck it back away, giving me an unobstructed view of her, but I refrain.
“Three albums is a long time to be locked into a solo contract,” she says, eyes softening. “Do you really think there’s no way…that you’d want to commit to that? Who knows what could happen in the years that it’ll take to record and promote three records.”
It’s not like I haven’t thought of that. What if Walker and Reid solved their issues? What if Hayden and Reid got back on the same page? What if everyone wanted to make music together again? The way it’s always supposed to be…the four of us as one.
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I’d like to think that one day we’ll all find our way back to each other, but…I just—I don’t know. I can’t keep waiting around for that.”
Jane chews on her lip, a habit she’s always had whenever she’s working a problem over in her head, searching high and low in that beautiful brain of hers for a solution. But like me, she comes up short.
We all have over recent years as we tried and failed to salvage the band.
“You don’t think there’s even a remote possibility that you’ll all get back together? Even within the next five or so years?”
Part of me wants to say yes. I want to be optimistic about that possibility. Maybe they need more time. Or to reevaluate what they want now that we’re adults. Or just cool off.
But the other part of me says no. That there’s no going back to how things used to be. Not now with Walker doing his own thing, recording with other bands. Not with Hayden wrapped up in projects outside of music and thriving in that new environment.
Reid and I? Sure, we could make a go of things together. But we would never do that. Could never do that.
“Like I said, I’m not going to wait around anymore,” I say, resolve straightening my spine. “If three albums is what they want and what will get me back into the studio, then I’ll make it happen.”
She narrows her eyes. “And them wanting you to have your first single be a duet with”—she checks the paper again—“Kerra? The original opener from your last tour?”
“Yep.”
“Wasn’t she the one who was tied up in all of those messy copyright lawsuits?”
“That’s the one,” I chuckle.
She grimaces. “Why would they want you to do a duet with her?”
“Arun said she’s trying to make a comeback now that all of her legal issues are tied up, and she’s back with the same label.”
Kerra is a solo artist who was supposed to be the opener for our tour last year. She sings mostly pop music, with a few rock influences here and there, so she seemed like a good fit to open for us. But a few weeks before the tour was about to start, she got slammed with lawsuits and was pulled from the lineup. That’s when Scar, Walker’s now girlfriend, stepped in and joined.
Kerra’s kept a low profile since everything happened, but Arun said she’s been getting restless and wants to jump into new music to try to move on. I never thought that I would be considering a duet with someone, but if that’s what the label wants, then that’s what they’ll get.
As long as I get to make my own music once it’s done.
“Isn’t that bad press for you to be associated with her?” Jane asks.
“Arun doesn’t think so,” I say. “She didn’t have a bad image before everything happened, and from what it sounds like, most of it fell on her producers; not her. And it’d be good to have two fan bases attracted to our new music from the get-go rather than both of us trying right off the bat by ourselves.”
Jane nods slowly, working it over in her head.
“Look, I’m not saying I’m excited about it. From the few interactions I’ve had in the past with her, I don’t get the best vibes.” Both being signed to the same label, we’ve been at events together before and while our interactions always had the buffers of my friends being around me, none of us were ever sold on her. When she was signed on for the tour, we weren’t that thrilled at the idea of having to be around her for four months straight, but there’s also never been anything in particular that she’s done to any of us.
But there’s always just been something about her that has never quite sat right with me. However, a one-off single I can handle.
“If you’re really alright with it,” Jane says, holding up her hands in surrender, “then that’s the only big items in here that caught my attention. You’ll do this duet first and there will be a pop-up show promoting the song with Kerra in just a little over a month. That seems fast, no?”
I make a wish-wash gesture with my hand. “Not really. They want me in the studio Monday already; pending this contract gets signed and sealed.”
Jane’s eyes widen but she nods. “Alright then. Do you mind if I take this to the hotel with me tonight? I want to look over it once more and I’ll send you back any notes I have first thing in the morning.”
“Of course,” I say as she slips the papers back into the manila folder and slides it into her bag. She straightens up and I can tell she’s ready to go. After all, she’s had a long day.
But I’m not ready to let her go, yet.
“Do you want to come back to my place for a bit? Have another bottle of wine?”
I can sense her rejection before she even speaks it.
“I’m exhausted,” she says, averting her gaze, and I don’t call her out on her excuse. “It’s been hell at work lately and I’ve been looking forward to being able to go to a clean hotel room tonight and just unwind for a bit.”
“I could help you unwind,” I tease, shooting her favorite smirk of mine.
She cocks her head to the side and gives me a look that says, Seriously? As if .
“Just putting it out there,” I say, crossing my arms casually.
“And I’m just sliding it right back,” she says, lifting her chin in the air.
“I’m testing the waters with you, LJ.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“And how’re they looking for you?”
“Frigid.”
She smirks and flips her hair over her shoulder. She thinks she’s won tonight, but if anything, I’d say I got what I needed. Her back in town, spending some one-on-one time with her, and seeing how she reacts to a little flirting. I’ve kept it reined in over the years, but…
She doesn’t trust me, and that’s okay. I can be patient. I can earn it back.
Jane scoots out of the booth and rises steadily to her feet. I do the same and grab my jacket off the hook next to the booth. I hold the blazer open and raise an eyebrow.
She hesitates, but then turns her back to me so I can place it over her shoulders. I don’t miss the way she angles her nose down and inhales as she turns back around.
“Thank you,” she says softly, full lips turning up at the corners. “For dinner, and you know, all the travel arrangements.”
“It’s the least I could do for you. Thank you for helping me out. Look it all over again and let me know if anything seems off to you. I trust you to have my back with it.”
She dips her head, turning her attention to her feet as she rocks on her heels.
“You know, if you’re so unhappy at work, I had told Arun that I was having you look over this for me. And he said that he’d be happy to introduce you to some of his other clients if that’d be something you’d be interested in. I’m happy to be a reference.” I wink, and she tries to suppress a smile at it but fails.
“Really?”
“Really. Just let me know and I’ll reach out to him for you. Or, you have his contact information already, right?”
She nods.
“Then if you’re interested, take him up on it. He’s expecting your call.”
“I’ll think about it,” she says.
Of course she will. Jane doesn’t make rash decisions. She thinks and works it through from every angle before acting upon it.
We were always a good balance in that way. I jumped without thinking, and she was always ready to catch me if I needed.
“Let me walk you out,” I say, holding out my arm toward the exit. She strides forward, and I follow closely behind, waving at our server and the owner of the restaurant as we pass by. They have my card on file and know to just automatically add a tip to the bill. It’s a perk of coming here so often.
Jane goes to push the door open, but I stop her with a hand on her back. I step around her and open the door for her myself. She gives me an incredulous look as she passes, and I flash a smile in return.
A black SUV sits on the curb, the same one that picked her up from the airport. I arranged for her to have a driver the entire weekend she’s here.
The driver goes to step out to open her door but once again, I pause him with a raised hand and do it myself.
“You can drop the gentleman act, Nikolai,” Jane teases. “Did you forget that I’ve known you since we were teens?”
I hold a hand over my heart, as if I’m wounded. “It’s no act. Are you questioning my sincerity?”
Jane scoffs, shaking her head as she climbs into the car. “Always a flair for the dramatic.”
“You love it.”
“Whatever.”
“Can I see you again before you fly out Sunday?”
She clicks her seat belt into place and pulls her hair over one of her shoulders. This time, I don’t resist the urge and grab a few locks, caressing them with my fingers. Soft as silk. Just like I remembered.
Her breath hitches as she watches me. The noises of the city quiet as I lean in the doorframe, allowing us this brief moment. Just one touch. That’s all I need right now.
“Uh—” she hesitates, then clears her throat. “I’ll let you know.”
I drop my hand to my side, stepping back. “Please do. Have a good night, Jane.”
“You, too.”
I shut the car door and losing sight of her immediately opens that void inside of me, threatening to swallow me whole.
Her car pulls away from the curb and disappears around the corner. I pull out the keys to my bike and walk over to it.
Tonight was about testing the waters, and even though I told Jane they were frigid, they haven’t frozen over with no thaw in sight.
The thought of it brings a smile to my face as I pull my helmet over my head and click my visor into place.