8. Nikolai
8
NIKOLAI
T he deafening silence of the booth has been the only silence I’ve relished in. Outside of this space, I always need to feed into the noise. Whether it’s people talking, music thumping, waves crashing, wind roaring, I just need something to fill the quiet.
But here, isolated away from the rest of the world where it’s just me and a microphone, I welcome the silence. I usually hate the way that silence causes me to get stuck in my own head, but here, that’s where it works its magic. I need to get caught up in my head, be alone with my thoughts, and let my head and heart consume me entirely until it pours out in melodies.
Fuck, I’ve missed this. It’s been too long.
“Can we take the bridge one more time?” I ask.
The producer working on the single, Kyle, nods and gives me a thumbs up through the window that connects the booth to the rest of the studio. He queues the track back and the four-beat count-in thumps through my headphones.
The song has a sultry, pulsing undertone laid over a more radio-friendly, pop-influence beat. It’s not as much my style. I still prefer the more pop-rock, harder leaning edge that Whisper Me Nothings was known for. But this is a new chapter, a fresh start, and I’m trying to embrace it.
At least they’re letting me write my own lyrics. They tried to give me and Kerra a pre-written song, but the lyrics were so utterly empty and soulless that I convinced them to allow me a shot at rewriting them. The label wasn’t entirely convinced, until I proved that we could keep the same instrumental; just change the lyrics overtop.
They gave it their stamp of approval. As did Kerra.
And here we are. This is my first day in the studio laying down vocals for it, and goddamn, does it feel good to be back in here. It’s like one of my arms has been numb and it's finally regained feeling.
I sing out the final note of the bridge and slump against the wall with a smile. Kyle looks up from the soundboard and returns it.
“That one felt good,” I say.
He pushes the button that allows him to talk to me in here and says, “It was the best one yet. I don’t think we need another one.”
I nod. “What about the second verse? Think we should do another run on that one?”
Kyle opens his mouth to respond when the door to the studio opens and in strides a petite woman with her head buried in her phone.
Kerra. Her dark, maroon hair is cut in a sleek bob and not a single strand is out of place. Her lips are painted a matching shade of red and she’s wearing a black satin dress that looks like it’s supposed to be worn to bed and not out and about.
I hang the headphones on a hook next to the microphone and duck out of the booth. She turns her gaze on me as I enter the studio.
Her lips curl into a coy smile but I see the slithering edge that lies beneath it. “It’s good to see you again,” she purrs, opening her arms for a hug.
I give her a brief one to not be rude, but pull back the moment her hands start drifting down my back.
“Good to see you, too. How have you been?”
She flips a hand, her long, painted nails slicing through the air. “Better now that we’re finally getting this going. I thought you would never be ready to record.”
“I literally signed the contract last Monday.” That was only a little over a week ago.
“But then you wanted to rewrite the song,” she pushes.
I frown at her. “You gave your approval on it.”
“I’m not saying it’s bad. I like the changes. But the longer it takes us to get this song out there, the longer my reputation is laid out there to dry.”
Her reputation has been laid out for over a year now. I don’t think a couple more weeks before the song is done is going to hurt it any further.
But I obviously keep my mouth shut and don’t voice any of that to her. We need to work together for the next few months and I don’t want us to start on a bad foot.
“Do you want to record any of your vocals today? I can be done so you can use the studio space.”
“Can’t. I have a lunch to get to. But I wanted to stop by and see how things were going.”
I shove my hands in my pockets, leaning against the wall. “I think it’s going well. I’ll be interested to hear your part on it, but I think with the lyric change, we have something here.”
Kerra’s phone buzzes in her hand and she glances at it briefly. For someone who is so eager to jump back into music, she sure seems to be preoccupied with other things.
“Well,” I say, clearing my throat, “if you’re not going to today, then I’ll get back into it.” I hope my hint at dismissal isn’t too obvious.
She frowns. “No need to run off so quickly. I thought we could chat a bit.”
“About the song?”
“Do you only care about the damn song?”
“Uhh…I mean, that’s what we’re here for?” What else would I care about right now? It’s not like we’re friends. We’re co-workers, essentially. If she didn’t come here to work on the song, then I don’t really see what business she has here.
She steps forward and places her hand on my arm. I angle away and push off the wall, walking over to the sound panel.
“You’re going to have to get used to me touching you.” Kerra crosses her arms.
What ? “Umm, why exactly is that?”
“Your management didn’t talk to you?”
“About what?”
“Our relationship.”
“Our what?” I choke.
Kerra sighs and then speaks slowly, as if I'm a child. “Our relationship. To promote this song. You and me dating.”
I blink at her once. Twice. I can’t possibly be hearing her right. But I recover quickly, remembering my dinner with Jane.
“My contract says I can’t get into any relationships. I’m sorry?—”
“Unless authorized by management and the label.”
“What?”
She cracks her neck, exasperated. With me . “You aren’t allowed to get into a relationship with someone unless they are approved by your management and the label. You’ve always been a bit of a playboy, haven’t you?” She smirks condescendingly at me. “Well, this idea came from them, and I’ve agreed.”
“There’s no way this was Arun’s idea.”
She waves a hand dismissively. “So it was my idea. Whatever. They’re all on board with it. It’ll be great promo for the song. And it’ll be a good look for you to have a steady, consistent relationship for once in your life.”
“You don’t know anything about my life,” I shoot back.
“Does that really matter? It’ll be beneficial for you.”
“And for you.”
“What?”
It doesn’t surprise me that this was her idea, but she’s playing it all off like she’s the one doing me a favor in all of this. I’d argue it’s the other way around.
“It’s beneficial for you, too. Let’s be honest. You’ve become irrelevant in the last year and a half.”
She opens up her mouth to protest but I continue.
“And doing this song is going to get you back onto the charts and into the spotlight. But that’s not enough for you, is it? Attaching your name to mine romantically would do leaps and bounds more for you than a one-off single.”
“So what if it does?” she asks haughtily.
“Nothing wrong with it,” I concede. “It’s a smart move.” After all, I have to give credit where it is due. “But I don’t want a part in it. I just wanted to get back into music, and doing this song was a condition of it. I want to do it and be done.”
“And what if you can’t?”
“Can’t what?”
“Get back into music.” She steps closer, shoulders back and staring me down. “What if we do this song and it’s only mildly successful? You think that bodes well for your solo album? What if you make that and no one cares about it because you don’t have three buddies with you to back you up on it? What if no one cares because while as a group you may have been huge, but as an individual, you’re irrelevant ?”
She throws the word back at me with such spite that I know I hit a nerve earlier with her when I lobbed it at her.
I clench my jaw, inhaling sharply through my nose as her words are like missiles, finding those exact insecurities I’ve been plaguing myself with and hitting them with explosive accuracy.
She arches a perfectly styled brow and smiles victoriously.
“Just think about it.” She drags her hand across my chest, nails scraping over the fabric in an intolerable way, and I brush her off. With a flip of her short bob, she strides out the studio.
I stare at the door, stunned for a moment.
“I’ll uh…I’m gonna go grab lunch,” Kyle says, startling me. I forgot he was even here. “Do you want anything?”
I shake my head.
He pats me on the back sympathetically before he also leaves. The studio is plunged into silence as I’m the last one here.
What the hell was that? I flop onto the leather sofa behind the sound board and pull out my phone. I need to load this off on someone else.
Me: Kerra wants a PR stunt
My best friend is quick with his response.
Reid: Fuck that
Me: Right?
Reid: No way Arun’s on board with that. It would just be another headache for him
Me: She said it was both of our management's idea
Reid: And you buy that?
Me: I don’t know
Reid: Do you want my opinion?
Me: You’ll give it anyways ;)
Reid: She’s a snake.
Takes one to know one . But Reid has always been more of a ball python with me and saved his venomous snap for others.
Reid: Don’t trust her. Do what you have to with this song but then get the fuck out of there. She’s a sinking bitch and she’ll take you down with her if this song doesn’t do what she’s hoping it will
He’s right. Kerra made it sound so simple, so easy. Do the song together, have a relationship to be the basis of the marketing, and help boost ourselves back into the music scene.
But I can see the hunger in her eyes. And it’s not for me. It’s for a place back in the spotlight. She’s desperate for it. Desperate to resuscitate her image, and she’ll use anyone and anything to get it.
I’m not a pawn, and I’m not dumb.
And yet, everything she said about people not caring about me as an individual when I don’t have Reid, Hayden, and Walker with me, has me thinking twice about her offer.
I don’t want to fail. I need music in my life. There’s no other career out there for me that would ever be able to satisfy the creative urge and outlet that music does. Singing is what I was born to do and after getting a taste of living that way for almost ten years, I can’t give it up now.
But what if no one cares? What if no one likes the music I make on my own because it doesn’t have the influence of my three best friends and everything we bring out in each other in the studio?
What then?
I don’t want to have other regrets in life because the one I do have eats me alive little by little every time I think about her.
And doing this could undo all of the bricks I’ve been laying of rebuilding that trust. But if I say no and my worst fears come true, then will I look back on this moment and hate myself for not spending a few months pretending with Kerra? She’s not wrong that it would be beneficial for us both.
Do the benefits outweigh the costs, though?
The highest one of them being Jane.