9 Years Ago
9 YEARS AGO
JANE
I’m an overthinker. It’s what I do and who I am.
The smallest of decisions can take me minutes or hours to hem and haw over. I like to look at every choice from every angle, dissecting it and pulling apart every possible thread and scenario to reduce any unwanted risk in the outcome.
It bodes well for me academically. I’m thorough in research, detailed in explanations, and always prepared to back up my answer to even the most simple of questions.
But that same way of thinking often paralyzes me in everyday life. It keeps me from enjoying the present moment because I’m overthinking the way I’m standing, what I’m going to say next in a conversation, or holding back from just going for things like my friends do.
It’s been a week since Nikolai overheard my current predicament and offered his help. Part of me regrets that I didn’t just say fuck it that night. Because now that I’ve had time to sit and stew over it, the more I’ve agonized over each and every part of the conversation and filling in blanks of my own making.
We saw each other at school this week and he didn’t bring it up at all. He acted as if nothing unusual happened and was right back to his teasing self with me.
Maybe he forgot.
Maybe he was drunker than I thought and doesn’t remember.
Or maybe he’s playing it off because he regrets offering in the first place and is secretly relieved that I didn’t text him the next night like he had said.
Stop it, Jane.
I hate the way my insecurities cloud my better judgment until I don’t know which way is up and what way is down. It’s not fair to me to sabotage myself, and it’s not fair to put those kinds of thoughts on Nikolai when he’s never shown me anything but kindness in the couple of years that we’ve been friends.
Friends .
That’s exactly what we are. And as he pointed out, friends help each other out.
It doesn’t have to be anything deeper than what it is. He hooks up with girls all the time. If he can keep it surface level, surely I can too. It’s the logical thing to do.
And he’s a logical solution to my problem.
Alright, problem is a harsh way of looking at it. It’s not an actual problem, and I know I wouldn’t be the first one going off to college with no experience.
But I’m tired of always feeling less than just because I’m bigger than most of the girls around me. I’m tired of hiding myself because I don’t match the standard I see. And for me, it feels like if I can just do this one thing, show every single part of myself to just one other person, then it’s the first step in conquering and smashing my insecurities as a whole.
So, I decided I have seven months until I’m off to Harvard, and that should be plenty of time to find someone to get it over with.
But standing on the sidelines of parties and watching the crowds around me has dimmed that resolve little by little. No one ever looks my way twice, and if they do, it’s only because of the growing recognition of my brother and his friends.
So once again, I’m entertaining Nikolai’s proposition.
Being vulnerable like that with him should seem less terrifying because I know him. I trust him. But that’s almost what makes it harder. Because if he turns away from me or balks at what he sees, I don’t think I can handle it.
I lie on my bed, staring at my ceiling fan making slow circles overhead. The room is dark as the moon shines through the window. I haven’t bothered to get up to close the curtains yet. I tend to zone out when I’m working something over in my head and I didn’t realize the sun has completely disappeared for the night.
Footsteps thud past my door before stopping, and then coming closer once more. My door flies open and reverberates on the hinges after colliding with the wall.
“Knock!” I yell, not even bothering to lift my head. I know it’s my brother. He doesn’t realize his own strength most of the time and is always slapping doors open.
There’s a pause, and then a gentle knock knock against the already open door.
“Smartass.”
Walker laughs and lumbers into my room, plopping on the bed beside me. He taps his fingers in a controlled rhythm against his knee as he looks at me. “What are you doing here alone on a Friday night?”
I sigh, sinking in the mattress. “I don’t have any plans.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
“Or because you’re stewing over a problem?”
I glare at him and he smiles.
“Knew it.”
He always does. It’s a twin thing.
He swats my knee, and I yelp. “You can come with me,” he says, standing back up. “I’m headed over to Hayden’s.”
“For what?” I lean up, propping myself on my elbows.
“He got a new video game we’re going to try out.”
“Ugh, pass.”
“C’mon. It’s better than sitting here by yourself all night.”
“Is anyone else going to be there?” I try to keep my tone neutral. It’s not an unusual question to ask. It’s not like he knows I’m specifically asking about one person in particular.
“Just me and Hayden. We’ll let you take a turn.”
I raise a brow at him.
“Maybe.”
“James.”
“After we play it first.”
I throw a pillow at his head and he easily dodges it. “Fine. Sulk by yourself, Janie. If you change your mind, just text one of us.”
“I won’t.” He walks out, and I call after him, “Hey, come back and shut my door!”
He does no such thing, and a few moments later, I hear the door to the garage open and close.
Damn him.
I get up to shut the door but before I flop back onto the bed to continue wallowing in my spiraling thoughts, I stop myself.
Am I seriously going to sit in a dark room by myself all night? Isn’t that the exact thing I’m trying to get myself out of?
Nikolai always says I think too much, and he’s right. He doesn’t think things through enough, but that’s besides the point.
Throwing up every single mental wall I can and shutting off every alarm that starts to blare, I grab my phone and send a text.
Me: Can I come over?
His response is quick, almost like he’s been waiting for it.
Nikolai: You know you never have to even ask LJ
I drop my phone like it burned me.
There’s no going back.
Nikolai
“I’m taking you up on your offer. If it still stands.”
I blink rapidly, unsure I’m seeing and hearing things.
Jane stands in my room, arms crossed, chin high, as she speaks. She’s in black jeans, a soft pink hoodie, and white sneakers. It’s one of her more casual outfits I’ve seen her in.
But she has a full face of makeup on, her round lips in her signature shade of dark pink. Her long, black hair is tucked behind one ear and tumbles in loose waves over the opposite shoulder.
I don’t fool myself into thinking she got ready for me. She does it for herself. But her efforts aren’t lost on me. She looks beautiful.
“Do you wanna sit?” I gesture to the lounge chair on one side of my room that sits in front of my TV.
She pushes her shoulders back and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say for the first time in my life, I’m making LJ nervous.
I suppress a smile at the thought. It usually takes a lot to ruffle her feathers.
“I’m good here,” she says.
“Fine.” I sit on the edge of my bed and lean back on my hands, tilting my head to the side as I take her in.
Her long legs fit perfectly in her jeans; like they were tailored for her. Jane is meticulous about her image, even when she’s trying to hide.
“Do you even remember what I’m talking about, or am I wasting my time?” She slides her hands into the pocket of her hoodie as she cocks a hip out.
“You’re the one who asked to come over here.”
“Nikolai.”
“Jane.”
“Ugh, can you just answer me? Otherwise, I’ll go and we can just forget this ever happened.”
“Yes.”
“Yes what?”
“I remember.”
It would take more than just a bottle of Mom’s favorite vodka to forget that conversation last week. And the way that Jane has tiptoed around me since.
“You do,” she says, almost to herself. Then she clears her throat. “Well, does the offer still stand? You seemed content to ignore it all week.”
“I thought maybe you were embarrassed that I heard you, and I didn’t want to make it worse by bringing it up again.”
She looks at her feet, brushing an invisible speck of dirt around on the carpet.
“Jane,” I whisper, needing her to look at me. Not at the floor with her shoulders stooped low. That’s not the Jane I know.
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“I—Look, I don’t?—”
She pins me with a fiery gaze that freezes me in place and electrifies me all at once.
“If you don’t want to, then just say it. Don’t be a coward.”
I push off the bed and close the gap between us. “I’m not a coward.”
“No?”
“No. But that night, I wasn’t totally considering the circumstances.” Thank you, vodka .
“And they are?”
“Your brother.”
That one person has kept me from texting Jane all week and asking if she thought about my proposition. Because once the idea got in my head last weekend, it hasn’t left.
Now, I’ve found myself noticing things about Jane all week that I never used to before. Like the way she twirls her silky hair around her fingers when she’s working a problem over in her head. And the way she slides into each and every chair like it’s a throne. Or the way her lips downturn just slightly at the corners, creating that effortless pout that I want to claim with my own.
Even her scent has been driving me wild. The faint scent of vanilla and roses seems to be following me everywhere, like forbidden fruit and the ultimate temptation.
But the fact remains that there is someone between us. Someone we both love and care about.
“He never has to know,” Jane says.
“You’re okay to lie to your brother?”
She bites her lip, but nods slowly. “It doesn’t have to be anyone else's business but our own. And we wouldn’t be lying. We just wouldn’t tell him.”
“Jane…your brother is one of my best friends. My bandmate. I don’t know if I can. I know the two of you have a pact to not date each other's friends.”
“We’re not dating, though.”
“Always looking for loopholes, aren’t you?”
“It’s what will make me a great lawyer one day,” she says proudly.
That it will.
“I don’t know.” I hang my head, my hair falling forward and hiding her from view.
I feel an icy wind brush against my skin as she clears her throat. “Fine,” she says. “I’ll go find someone else. Maybe I’ll see if Reid is done with Cass?—”
“You’ll do no such thing,” I snap, grabbing her wrist to stop her from leaving.
“You don’t tell me what to do.”
“You’re not going to Reid.”
I love him, but the idea of his hands on her, his mouth capturing hers—a red flash courses through me, and I squeeze her wrist in warning.
“Do you think he’d do it better than me?” I rasp, watching goosebumps erupt on her exposed arm. “Is he who you really want?”
She looks like she’s going to argue for argument's sake, but then thinks better of it as my thumb brushes soft circles on her wrist. She tracks the movement, her breathing picking up with the simple touch.
“No,” she admits quietly, but it thunders through my ears like a war drum.
“You’re damn right about that.”
“Are you going to prove it, then?” She steps closer, so close our chests are almost brushing, and without her heels on, for the first time, I need to lower my eyes to match hers. But she doesn’t close that final inch. As if waiting for me to be the one to do that.
I clench my jaw, my resolve crumbling the longer we stand here, and I watch her every move and every word slip from between those lips. “I just don’t want you to regret it,” I say, in a last-ditch effort.
“Are you sure you aren’t projecting that onto me?”
I cup her face and push her against the edge of my desk. She lets out a small gasp as my body presses into hers, pinning her in place.
“I don’t have regrets, Jane. They’re a waste of time. If we do this, you won’t have to worry about that with me.”
Yes, I don’t like the idea of having a secret from my best friend. He’d kill me if he found I crossed this line with his sister.
Besides the twins’ promise to each other, we’ve our own too. Never let a girl come between the band. And if he finds out that the two of us went behind his back when he’s put his entire trust into us both, it’s not going to end well for anyone.
But right now, staring at the blush on Jane’s cheeks and the way her pale skin glows underneath the soft hue of the night sky, I don’t care.
I just don’t care.
Her heart beats against mine, lulling me into her rhythm and pulling me further into her orbit.
“Just for tonight,” I say. That’s all this can be.
Jane nods, lips parted. “Just for tonight. A friend helping out a friend.”
“A friend helping out a friend,” I repeat, looking at her lips as her tongue darts out to wet them. “Fuck it.”
I crash my mouth to hers, eating up the gasp she lets out. She parts her lips, and I snake my tongue between her, groaning at her taste.
She’s tentative, exploring, as she kisses me back. Her body melts against me, and I tangle my fingers in her hair, deepening everything. She grabs my hips, and her palms are warm through my shirt.
I break the kiss, trailing my lips across her jaw and to her ear, nibbling and teasing. She moans softly, and I smile against her at the delicate sound.
Needing to be closer to her, I find the hem of her sweatshirt and rip it over her head.
“Fuck me,” I groan, taking in the spectacular sight. Her breasts are spilling out of a light pink bra.
Jane brings her arms up and wraps them around her stomach as I stand there, drinking her in. I grip her wrists and uncross them, putting them back at her sides. She starts to protest, but I cut her off.
“Don’t do that with me,” I rasp. “Don’t hide from me.”
She chews on the inside of her cheek and looks at her feet.
I grab her chin and raise her head. “Hey, chin up. You don’t ever dip that down again, got it?”
“Got it,” she whispers, but there’s still a hint of shyness coating her face. Not fair that she’s the only one without a shirt on, so I wrench my own over my head. Cool air kisses my skin as Jane gives me an appreciative once-over. Fire trails in the wake of the path her eyes take over my abs and chest, then up to my broad shoulders and biceps.
“Like what you see?”
“Yes,” she says, unashamed of admitting it.
“Good.” I step closer, grabbing her waist and pulling her body flush to mine. “Glad we can both enjoy our view.”
I spin us and nudge her onto my bed. She lies down, swallowing heavily, as she watches me, waiting on my next move.
Fuck, to have her hand over her trust to me like this is something I’m not going to take for granted. The idea of being Jane’s first shouldn’t set my blood on fire the way it does. She should save this for someone else. Give it to someone worthy of her.
But at least I know I’ll treat her right. The thought of someone else’s hands on her and not treasuring her the way she should be has me throwing every single piece of caution to wind. It’s not like I ever really was cautious to begin with.
I know I shouldn’t want this. But I do.
At least for tonight.
I pop the button of her jeans open and slowly slide the zipper down. Her chest heaves but she doesn’t stop me. I make quick work of getting them off, before I slip off my own sweatpants, leaving us both in just our underwear.
I crawl over her, kissing her again. She’s bolder now, fighting me for dominance and threading her fingers in my hair. I smile against her, loving this side so much more than the timidness that is usually so unlike her.
My cock aches against my briefs, but I push the burning need to relieve the ache aside. This is about her and I’m going to make sure I do it right.
Pulling out of her grip, I slide down her body until I’m kneeling in front of the bed and pulling her closer to the edge.
Her nails dig into my shoulders, trying to stop my descent. “No, you don’t?—”
“I need to get you ready. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I don’t care.” Her face is flushed and her eyes shine with so much apprehension that I pause.
I rub gentle circles over her knees. “We don’t have to. We can stop if you want.”
“No, I want this.”
“Then—”
“But can’t we just, uh, get into things?”
I suppress a smile. “I was just about to get into things.”
She rolls her eyes. “Not that. I just…you don’t need to.”
“I know I don’t need to, LJ. I want to.” I hook my thumbs in her panties and pull them off her long legs and toss them over my shoulder. She tries to lock her thick thighs together, but I shoulder them apart.
“Just trust me, alright?”
She bites her lip but whispers, “Alright.”
With my right hand, I grab hers and give it a gentle squeeze. She interlocks our fingers and brings our hands together to rest on her stomach. With one last look at her face, I dive in.
She writhes beneath me as I prepare her to take me. The sounds that escape her lips are the closest things I’ve heard to a heavenly melody and I never want them to stop.
Once she’s relaxing into things and rolling her hips against my face, I know she’s ready for more. I reluctantly pull back and quickly sheathe myself in a condom from my nightstand before I guide her higher up on my bed and crawl on top.
She stares at my cock with wide eyes and I twitch at the fire and apprehension there.
“I’m going to fit, you’ll see.”
“I wasn’t thinking about that,” she says.
I quirk a brow.
“Shut up.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“You didn’t have to. Your face gives you away. It’s something you should work on.”
“Is it?” I cock my head, enjoying our banter. It eases something in her and I can tell by the way she melts back into the mattress.
She opens her mouth, but I don’t allow her to get back into her head. I shut her up with a kiss.
Her breasts brush against my chest, every inch of skin hot and burning between us. I press closer, leaving no room for any lingering insecurities of her to seep through and taint this moment.
I settle between her legs and rub my cock up and down her entrance a few times, teasing us both.
Jane pulls away and stares at me as I start to enter her.
The way her green eyes shine as they look at me, the trust and faith she’s giving over to me to take care of her, cracks my chest down the middle until a resounding need to be better for her crawls through and invades my entire body.
“Just keep your eyes on me, alright? I got you.”
She nods shakily, and I brush a lock of hair away from her forehead.
I push inside slowly, feeling her stretch, and I grit my teeth at the sensation. She whimpers, and I kiss the corner of her mouth. “You’re doing so good. Tell me if you need me to stop.”
“Don’t stop,” she breathes, her nails digging crescents into my arms.
I ease back a little when I meet resistance and slip my hand between our bodies, cupping her breast and pinching her nipple. She clenches around me, and I groan, needing to chase the sensation.
But when I look at her, dark hair spilling around her head in a dark halo like a beautiful fallen angel sent for my own personal damnation, I continue my gradual pace.
“Fuck, you’re beautiful, Jane,” I whisper reverently. It’s not like I didn’t know that before, but Christ, it’s hitting me over the head now until I’m dizzy.
She blushes as my words hit her and I don’t know if they pierce the thick walls her insecurities have built, but I’m going to do everything I can tonight to wear them down.
This time, I pull my hips back, almost falling out, before driving in and breaking that final barrier.
“Nik—” Jane cries out.
“I got you,” I whisper in her ear. “Let it out if you need to.”
As hard as it is, I keep still, letting her adjust and not moving until she’s ready for it. She gives a tentative lift of her hips, and I fist the sheets by her head, trying to contain myself.
“Keep going,” she pants.
“Are you sure?”
She dips her chin, giving me the green light. I pull my hips back and her hands dig into my sides. When I slide in, a small line creases her forehead and she parts her lips in a perfect O . I swipe my tongue between the opening, teasing hers as she kisses me back.
I begin a steady pace, and she whimpers as she starts to get used to it. “Feeling good now?”
“Yes,” she gasps, and her eyes shine as she looks at me like I’m something special in this moment. And fuck if mine don’t reflect that back to her.
With each thrust, each kiss, every delicate touch of her hands in my hair and mine in hers, a sinking realization settles into my gut like a jagged rock.
This was just for tonight. A friend helping a friend. A favor she needed done with someone she could trust. Something no one else can ever know about.
But as I cradle her body and look into her eyes, I’m not so sure it’s all black and white. Because if it was, I don’t think my heart would feel like it’s trying to rip itself out of my chest and crawl into her own for the taking. The thought terrorizes the absolute hell out of me.
Fuck me .