Two and a Half Years Ago
TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO
NIKOLAI
I pull the bottle of vodka to my lips and take a swig that makes oblivion jealous. I don’t remember coming in the bathroom or sitting on the floor of my shower, but here I am. Drink in one hand, my ticket out of pain in the other, and a head full of nightmares.
My phone buzzes beside me as Jane tries to call me back. I shouldn’t have texted her. Shouldn’t have answered her call. Hearing her voice was the sweetest relief but also the deepest cut. It’s just another reminder of what I lost.
But I needed to tell her I’m sorry. I’ve wanted to for years, but the time has never felt right. We don’t talk much anymore and she’s moved on. She seems happy.
Tonight was exhausting. It was the same routine. Dinner, drinks, club, women. Rinse and repeat. Anything to try to forget what haunts me when I’m alone.
The smell of gunpowder and the shaking of my mother’s body beneath my own.
The screams of parents as they watched their children stand in the line of fire.
The realization that I’m alive and others aren’t.
Why is that?
Why me?
I want to forget. I want to move on. But it feels like my feet are buried in quicksand and the more I fight, the more I push, the faster I sink.
The old Nikolai feels so far away but yet no one seems to notice. Have I gotten that good at pretending?
The plastic of the pill bottle grows warm in my tight grip. Part of me is demanding I open them. That I finally get the relief of forgetting that I’ve been searching for through adrenaline and partying but it’s never enough. But another part of me keeps that lid in place, the faces of the people I love flashing through my mind.
Milo.
Reid.
Hayden.
Walker.
Her .
It would be so easy. Wouldn’t it? I’ve already seen what it’s like for someone to be here one moment and gone the next. It wasn’t my turn then, but is it now?
I hear the faintest pounding, like someone’s at my door, but my legs don’t move. I’m stuck where I am as my head spins. Maybe it’s my mind playing tricks on me.
My arm is sluggish as I raise the bottle to my lips again. I miss my mouth at first and a bit of liquor splashes down my chin and soaks the top of my T-shirt. I don’t have it in me to care.
After another few gulps, I let my head fall back against the tiles. They’re cold but do nothing to cool my heated skin. My eyes fall shut as again I hear a muffled commotion.
I should get up and investigate. What if I’m being robbed?
Eh. I think I’ll stay here. Maybe if there is an intruder, they’ll take my choice away from me.
The door to the bathroom bursts open and bangs against the wall so hard, it shakes on its hinges. I roll my head to the side and blink a few times, trying to clear my vision. When I do, the panicked face of my best friend greets me.
“Nik.” Reid exhales, eyes bouncing from my face to the bottles in each of my hands. His eyes go wide when he sees the pill bottle, but then relax slightly when he sees it’s still capped. “What’s going on?”
I can’t help it. I laugh. What’s going on? It’s such a simple question with such a complex answer that I don’t even know how to begin to detangle.
Reid approaches me as if I'm a feral cat and crouches at the entrance of the shower. He frowns at my laughter. “I just saw you a few hours ago. What happened between now and then?”
“Everything and nothing.”
“You’re not making sense.”
I shrug. Maybe not to him, but to me, it does. There’s nothing that I can pinpoint that happened between us going out tonight and me ending up on the floor. But there’s also every single thing that’s happened lately that has piled on top of each other to bring me to this moment.
The shooting.
The media attention.
The hiatus.
The nightmares.
The regret.
“You don’t get it,” I say, exhaustion infused in those four simple words.
Reid watches me in that way of his, like he can see through me. “Then help me understand. Explain it to me. I want to help.”
I shake my head and look down, not able to hold his gaze. I mumble my response.
“What was that?”
I repeat it, louder this time, and the admittance of it makes me feel weak. “What if I don’t want help?”
Reid releases a harsh breath through his nose. “No.”
“No what?”
“I won’t allow that.”
I don’t even have it in me to fight with him. “It’s not your choice.”
“It is my choice if you’re going to make the wrong one.”
“I’m…I’m so fucking tired, man.” I look at him, needing him to see the inner turmoil I’ve hidden for months. “I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want to deal with it anymore.”
His jaw ticks but his blue eyes soften. “I get it. Trust me Nik, you know I do. But I’m telling you, you have to fight it. You’re too important.”
I raise the bottle for another drink but he snatches it out of my hand and tosses it across the room. It shatters near the sink but I don’t even care. What does it matter anyways?
“Are you listening to me?” He rips the pill bottle out of my other hand and launches it out of reach, too. I make a sad effort to grab it, but give up the moment I try to push off the wall and dizziness sends me falling back. “Your story isn’t ending like this. You’re not going to be a coward.”
“I’m not a coward.”
“You are if you think this is the way to deal with this.”
“Fuck you,” I murmur.
“No, fuck you.”
I know what he’s doing. Trying to rile me up so I’ll distract myself from the emptiness. But I don’t want it. Everything in my life has flipped and I don’t know how to make sense of it. Without making music with my brothers, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. What’s my purpose?
Is there even a point to anything anymore?
“Reid—”
“I don’t have anyone!” He launches forward and shakes my shoulders. My head lolls. “I have fucking no one, Nikolai. You’re my brother, my family. If you can’t find it in you stay for yourself, then find it in you to stay for me. I need you. Please don’t leave me alone. I can’t…I can’t be alone again. You, you and the guys, you’re all I fucking have. All I fucking care about.” Tears stream down his face and drip onto my T-shirt. “Don’t leave me.”
His words penetrate the fog in my head and nestle in deep. The pain and panic in his voice speaks to the part of me that doesn’t want things to end like this. Doesn’t want to cause him more hurt.
“I’m sorry.” Tears fall freely down my cheeks and chin, sliding down my neck and mixing with the spilled vodka on my collar. “I’m sorry.”
Reid pulls me into his arms and squeezes me so hard, it’s like he’s trying to squeeze life back into me. “Don’t apologize,” he murmurs into my hair. “Just fight it. Fight for me. Fight for Hayden and Walker. For your brother. Your parents. For Jane. Fight it for them until you find it in you to fight for yourself again.”
He rocks us back and forth as I cry. Time passes slowly until both of our tears dry up and I’m left with a pounding headache to fill the void.
“Will you stay with me tonight?” I ask, not able to think about the idea of being alone. I’m scared of myself.
Reid’s fingers dig into my shoulders as he pulls back and looks me in the eye. “For as long as you need.”