Two and a Half Years Ago
TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO
JANE
What if this was a mistake? My palms sweat and my heart races like it could explode out of my chest. I don’t do things like this. Booking a flight last minute, calling out of work, and showing up unannounced. What if he’s not even home? What if he has a woman over? What if he doesn’t want to see me?
But it’s too late to back out now. I’m here, and I need to do this. I need to see with my own two eyes that he’s okay. That he’s still here. That he’s fighting through the demons he hides behind his carefree smile that’s plastered online.
Reid called me once he got Nikolai into bed and as he stayed up, watching him sleep. I stayed on the phone with him for hours to make sure he didn’t doze off and could keep an eye on him.
I’d called Nikolai the following day once Reid assured me he was up and moving around. We spoke briefly, enough for me to be reassured that he was okay and that he was going to get help, but it’s not enough. Reid’s texted me here and there the past few days, keeping me updated on him, but I need to see it for myself.
With a shaky hand, I ring the doorbell and take a step back. I glance at my wrinkled sweatshirt from the plane ride and wince in regret. Do I really want the first time that I see him in years to be looking like this?
The air in front of me is sucked away as the door swings open and there stands the man who single handedly gave me my favorite memories and also most painful ones.
“LJ,” he breathes out, blinking those baby blues at me in shock. His mouth hangs open as his mind races to catch up with reality.
“Hi,” I whisper as tears clog my throat and blur the bottom of my vision.
Nikolai’s standing. He’s in front of me. Alive. Blood pumping, still as beautiful as I remembered. The relief is so sudden, so sharp, that it sends me bowing forward. Before I fall to my knees, two powerful arms wrap around me and pull me upright into the hug I didn’t know I needed. His familiar scent wraps around me as I bury my face into his chest and lose it completely.
His strength is the only thing keeping me standing as my knees buckle. He tucks his head into my shoulder and I feel him inhale, chest shuttering as he does it. “LJ,” he repeats, the words muffled and wrecked with emotion, almost as if he can’t believe it.
I cling to him, nails digging into his back through the material of his T-shirt. “I just needed to see you.” Reid’s reassurances that he was alright, that he was keeping an eye on him, it hasn’t been enough the past few days. “You scared the absolute hell out of me.”
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs.
I ball his shirt in my fists. “I don’t want an apology.” At least not about this. “I just…” I trail off and pull reluctantly out of his embrace so I can take him in again. “I-I…”
“I know,” he says softly, tucking my loose hair behind my right ear. “I’m okay.”
“Are you?” I scan his face. He has dark circles beneath his eyes and a light stubble coats his jaw. He never grows out his facial hair. But other than looking slightly tired and a little disheveled, his eyes are clear and there’s color to his cheeks.
Although I know better than to take those things at face value. Especially when it comes to him.
“Okay may be a strong word,” he jokes half-heartedly, “but I’m better than I was the other night.” He jabs his thumb over his shoulder toward the inside of his entryway. “Do you want to come in?”
I bite the inside of my cheek. “I’m not staying.” His face falls, and I rush to add, “I don’t have much PTO right now, so I’m flying out tonight. But I needed to see you for myself.”
“When did you get here?”
“This morning.”
His brows shoot up. “You flew all the way out here just now, only to turn around tonight already?”
It sounds crazy. It is crazy. But the logical side of my brain doesn’t seem to always take the driver’s seat when it comes to Nikolai.
“It’s fine,” I brush him off. “I can come in for a little bit.”
He steps to the side, allowing me in first, and he closes the door behind us. His house smells fresh, like the soft breeze outside rustling through the trees. It’s welcoming and lively, and I hope that he’s trying to infuse his space into being a good environment for himself.
I fiddle with my bracelets as Nikolai leans against the closed door. “Do you want a drink? You hungry at all?”
I shake my head. “I’m good, thank you though.”
“We can go sit down in the living room?—”
“I really just wanted to make sure you were alright. I don’t want to intrude on your day.”
His face softens and he cocks his head to the side. “Jane…you’re never intruding.”
His words settle some of my worries over coming out here like this. While we’ve remained cordial, we aren’t what I would necessarily call friends anymore. And showing up like this feels dangerous.
I push my shoulders back and remember why I’m here. Taking on a tone I usually reserve for work, I say, “I’m going to ask you this once and I don’t want you to lie to me.”
His lips twitch and amusement washes over his face as he slips his hands into his pockets. “Hit me.”
“Are you still in that dark place you were the other night? And I don’t mean like you’ve all of a sudden turned a new leaf and you are excited about life and that sort of bullshit. I mean…are you still having those kinds of thoughts?”
He takes a deep breath, eyes locked in on my own, and I see the gears turning in his head. His guard comes down right in front of my face and I know when he opens his mouth, I’m getting the truth from him.
“No,” he says. “I mean, I’m definitely far from being good. I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to cope with what I saw and just keep going on with life as usual. Especially when I don’t have music to focus on right now.” He looks down at his feet and his shoulder curves inward. “But I don’t want to give up, if that’s what you’re looking for.”
I step forward then hesitate, because I was about to grab his chin and raise his head back up. But he’s not mine to touch. He hasn’t been in a long time. So I tuck my hands into the pocket of my sweatshirt and keep my feet rooted to the floor.
“You aren’t just saying that to placate me, are you?”
He looks up beneath his lashes. “You and I both know I’m not going to say something just to placate you.”
Ouch . I know he doesn’t mean it to be hurtful, but his words land a blow they shouldn’t anymore. We’ve both moved on with other people since that night in his backyard. And I don’t even think he registers how I take his words right now.
“Alright then,” I say, glancing at the time on my phone. “Well, I’m glad to know that Reid’s around you and that you have a support system here. And you know you can always call me if you ever need to.”
“Can I?” His question is full of hesitation and I frown.
“Of course you can. You know that.”
“I don’t want to complicate your life,” he says. “Or you know, your relationship.”
I huff through my nose. Liam is the least of my concerns right now. “Don’t worry about anything like that. I never want you to worry about that if you feel the need to call and talk to me. We used to share everything, you know…”
He nods.
We share a weighted look and I know this isn’t the reunion either of us pictured us having after all this time. I’m not sure what I really ever expected when I saw Nikolai again, but it wasn’t like this. He feels like a stranger and yet also like returning to my childhood home. It’s the strangest mix and there’s no making sense of it when I’m standing here, drinking him in.
“I’ve missed you,” he says tentatively. He rubs the back of his neck and I hate that I can’t help but admire his bicep as it flexes with the movement.
“I’ve missed you, too,” I admit, not wanting to withhold the truth from him. Not after the other night.
“Do you think we can try being friends again?”
Can I be friends with Nikolai when part of my heart still yearns to be held by him? I’m not sure. But I also know that I don’t like my life without him in it. There’s a hollow hole that he’s left all these years that I’ve tried to fill over and over again but it’s like water slipping through my fingers. If rebuilding a friendship with him is the way to have him back in it, then I’ll take it.
“I’d like that.”
For the first time since I arrived, his smile actually reaches his eyes. “Well then, are you sure you don’t want to come in and sit down for a bit? We have some catching up to do.”
As good as that sounds, I can’t. “I’m sorry, I really can’t stay.” There’s one more stop I have to make while I’m out here and just like Nikolai, I didn’t tell him I was coming. “But why don’t you give me a call tomorrow night? And we can talk more then? It’s going to take more than just one afternoon or a single phone call I’m sure to catch each other up on everything from the last how many years?”
“Too many,” he muses. “Too fucking many.”
I chuckle and step toward the door. It brings me closer to him and the smell of his cologne throws me all the way back to a teenage version of myself, stealing his sweatshirts and hiding them in my room to pull out at night when I missed him.
Nikolai doesn’t hesitate. He grabs my shoulders and pulls me in for another hug. I wrap my arms around his torso and heave one more sigh of relief. “You’re okay,” I whisper to myself.
“I’m going to be,” he murmurs. His fingers trace gentle lines up and down my back and I wish I could cancel my flight home. Wish I could stay here and talk to him for hours, catching up on everything we’ve missed in each other's lives.
I need to get out of here before I start to cry again, for a completely different reason than utter relief this time. Reluctantly, I untangle my arms from his back and step out of his embrace. But I do allow myself to gently cup his face and brush my thumb over his cheekbone. The stubble tickles my finger.
“It was good to see you. I’m glad you texted me the other night.”
“It was good to see you, too. And I’m glad I did. Thank you, Jane. For this and calling Reid and for not—” He clears the emotion from his throat. “For not letting me drown when I thought that’s what I wanted.”
Tears well in my eyes once more and I blink them away. “You don’t need to thank me. Just keep fighting it, okay?” I pat his cheek and reach for the doorknob. He beats me to it and opens the door for me. He follows me out to the rental car I got for today. I barely ever drive anymore, but I didn’t want someone else to drive me around and see who I was visiting. Not when the guy’s privacy is already invaded constantly by the media.
He opens the car door for me as well and I can’t help but tease him. “Since when did you become such a gentleman?”
He smirks and holds his arm out in a grand gesture. “I’ve always been a gentleman, LJ. You just must’ve forgotten.”
I snort and he laughs, the sound dancing over my nightmares I’ve had since I almost lost him for good. His white teeth shine as they part in a genuine smile.
“I’ll be waiting for your call,” I say as I slide into the driver’s seat and buckle my seat belt.
He leans down as he answers, “I won’t leave you hanging. Safe travels. Let me know when you get back to Boston.”
“Will do.”
He shuts the door and the silence of the car is deafening in the absence of his voice. How is it possible to miss the sound of it already?
When I glance out of the windshield one final time, a sense of peace washes over my anxiety-ridden nerves the past few days. He’s going to be alright. I know it.
As soon as I leave Nikolai’s, I drive over to Reid’s house. Again, I didn’t warn him I was coming and I’m taking my chances that he’s home. It’s not like he has a lot going on right now with the band's break.
And sure enough, when I ring the doorbell, it only takes a minute for him to answer the door. If he’s surprised to see me, he masks it better than Nikolai did. He’s always been good at keeping a neutral expression on his face though, hiding his emotions and thoughts behind a carefully constructed image of disinterest.
I cut straight to the chase. “I don’t have a lot of time, but I had to come out here and see him for myself.”
He crosses his arms and leans his powerful frame against the open door. “You didn’t trust my updates?”
“I do. I just…I needed to see it for myself.”
“I’m watching out for him,” he says defensively.
I raise my hands in surrender. “I know you are. And thank you for that.”
“I don’t need your thanks.”
“Jesus Christ,” I groan, already exhausted by him. “I’m not trying to pick a fight with you. I wanted to come over here to say thank you, and to check in on you, too.” Reid may not have witnessed what Hayden and Nikolai did, but he’s not had an easy life. And I know how important not only Nikolai is to him, but Whisper Me Nothings. With the band on hiatus and seeing Nikolai at the lowest of lows, I needed to check on him.
Because is anyone checking in on Reid?
His razor-sharp jaw clenches and he narrows his dark blue eyes on me. “I’m fine.”
“Fine?”
“Yes.”
“Of course you are.” I laugh but there’s no humor behind it. “Well, you don’t need me to tell you to keep an eye on him, but I’m going to anyway.”
“He’s my best friend.”
“And that’s why I know you’re going to make sure he doesn’t slip to that edge again.”
He nods curtly. “I won’t let it happen again.” A twinge of guilt slips between the cracks of his mask and it softens my annoyance.
“You didn’t let anything happen, Reid. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I was with him earlier that night and I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary,” he grits out. “You really think that’s not my fault?”
“No,” I breathe out. “Nothing about this is your fault. He’s good at smiling things off. You know this. If he didn’t want you to see how much he was struggling, he wasn’t going to let you.”
Reid shakes his head and looks out past my shoulder into the distance. He doesn’t want my reassurance. He’s going to feel guilty regardless. It’s what he’s chosen.
“Well, I’ll leave you be, then,” I say and take a step backward. “I just wanted to say thanks, and please keep me updated on how he’s doing.” I trust that Nikolai’s going to be okay after seeing him, but I won’t forget the fear I felt that night.
Reid turns his attention back to me and his eyes scan me from head to toe, scrutinizing every detail. But I don’t feel like shrinking beneath his gaze. For some reason, I never have with Reid. His brown hair has grown out in the last few months and he’s added more tattoos to his muscular arms.
“I will,” he says finally. Then he surprises me by adding, “You look good.” He must see the shock on my face because he shakes his head and stifles a dark chuckle. “Don’t read into it. You’ve just matured, that’s all.”
“Are you kidding me? I’ve always been the most mature one out of all of us.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Then what?—”
“I’ve got his back,” he interrupts me. “And I know you do, too. We’ll get him through this.”
I purse my lips and nod. “We will.” And then because I don’t know how often Reid hears it, I tell him, “You know I have your back as well. You’re my friend, too.” The distance that I’ve put in with Nikolai has put a strain on my friendships with Hayden and Reid over the years, too. I wish it didn’t, but I can’t change the past. But if I’m reforging a new path with Nikolai, I want to work on that with the other guys also.
“If you say so, Little Walker.”