37. Jane
37
JANE
I had invited Liam to the album release party to cover for the fact that I was still pining over Nikolai. He was all too happy to agree as it was a free trip to LA and the two of us were friends. When I asked him if I could call him my boyfriend for the sake of the exclusivity of the event, he said of course. Didn’t even bat an eye. And when we flew home to Boston the following morning, he asked me out on a real date and the rest was history.
If I would’ve just braved the party on my own…
So much wasted time.
A sob wracks my chest and I bend over my knees. Nikolai stops me and pulls me into his chest, squeezing me so tightly it’s like he’s trying to form us into one.
“How did we — you were going to -–” I can’t form a full sentence. “What the hell, Nikolai.”
“Shhh,” he soothes me, running his hands over my hair. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not,” I cry into his chest. “We wasted fucking years because I thought…because I didn’t want you to think that I was hung up on you.”
“Jane, listen to me. We wasted years because I fucked it up to begin with. If I would’ve just told you how I felt that night…” he trails off and sniffles, like he’s choking back his own tears. “None of this would’ve happened. But it did, and maybe that’s how things were supposed to happen. We were supposed to spend this time apart to grow as individuals before we found our way back.”
I lift my head off his chest to look at him. Tears stream down his face and he doesn’t try to brush them away. Doesn’t try to hide them from me.
“What do you mean if you would’ve just told me how you felt that night? The night of the release party?”
He slowly shakes his head and even though I know it’s coming, I’m not prepared for the blow his words deliver. “No, the night in my backyard. I should’ve said it then.”
“Nikolai—”
“Let me get this out, okay? I’ve felt it for years and I don’t know why I held it in.” His eyes scan my face and he brushes his thumb over my cheek delicately. “Maybe because I was a coward and too immature. Maybe because I thought there was a lifestyle I needed to live to fit the box I saw my life fitting into. Maybe it’s because I only ever saw my parents fight and if they supposedly loved each other enough to get married once, is that what my future would hold?”
He swallows thickly, and I gently nod, encouraging him to continue.
“It doesn’t matter at this point, I guess. What does matter is that I’m done holding it in. I’m done feeling this way and not telling you because I’ve seen how life changes in the blink of an eye. I watched people be here one minute and gone the next. And we’ve already wasted so much time, Jane.” His voice breaks. “So much fucking time. And I don’t want to waste anymore. I don’t want another minute to go by in this life that I haven’t told you that I love you.”
A fresh wave of tears burst from my eyes and down my cheeks, his words unlocking a dam inside.
“I’ve loved you since we were eighteen and I didn’t even know the depth of the word. I love you, Jane. You’re it for me. You’ve always been it.”
Finally hearing those three words from his lips, ones I never thought I would, glue all of the broken pieces of my heart back together. He might’ve been the one to shatter them in the first place, but he’s also the one to mend them.
“I love you, too,” I cry.
This time when he kisses feels different than all the previous ones we’ve shared. No one is holding anything back. There’s no walls, no barriers, no fears between us. His tongue locks with mine and I moan as he angles my head to deepen the kiss.
We hold each other until the sun fully rises. Then without a word spoken between us, Nikolai stands and holds his hand out for me. I take it and follow him into the house and upstairs. I expect us to go to my room as we’ve done in the past, but instead he pulls me into his.
He walks me backward to the bed until it hits the back of my knees and I sit. I open my thighs so he can stand between them as he cradles my jaw like I’m something precious. “I’ve been waiting to spread you out in here until we were past everything,” he says quietly. “I know it might sound dumb, but…”
I shake my head as I look at the man in front of me being vulnerable. “It’s not dumb. I’m glad you did.” I chew on my lip, suddenly feeling nervous. “This is it, isn't it? Like you and me.”
Nikolai smiles and it’s the most beautiful sight in the world. I could see the Mona Lisa in person, hike the Grand Canyon, and stand before the Sagrada Familia, and still, none of them could rival the beauty of a happy Nikolai.
“Yeah, LJ. This is it.”
Tears threaten to climb their way back up my throat but I shove them down as I pull Nikolai closer. He leans down and once again our lips meet. We’re a mess of shedding clothes and wandering hands as I lie back and he settles over me.
My fingers thread through his hair as he kisses down my neck and bare chest, nipping and licking along the way. I whimper as he teases my nipples and I feel his smirk against my skin.
He continues his descent down my body until he settles between my legs. He presses delicate kisses to the stretch marks on the inside of my thighs. I try to clamp them around his head, dislodging his attention and putting it somewhere else, but he pins my legs to the bed. “I love these,” he whispers reverently.
I squirm beneath his hold.
“I love every part of you, Jane.” He flicks his eyes to mine. “Even the parts that you don’t.”
His words drop straight into my heart. I trusted him when we were teens to be kind to my body, and I know I can trust him with it for eternity.
I try to pull him back up, but he resists. “I want to taste you first.”
“No,” I say and dislodge his hold on me. He frowns as I shift until I’m at the foot of the bed and I’m pushing him down where I was lying previously. “I want to taste you.”
He grins lazily and winds his arms behind his head like he’s a god relaxing before his realm. “Who am I to deny a lady of what she wants?”
“You told me to take what I want, so here I am.” I climb on top of him and kiss my way down his body like he did to me. A shiver of pleasure races through me each time his breath hitches or his body twitches under my ministrations. I kneel between his thighs and I don’t even have to ask. He reaches down and gathers my hair in one fist, stroking my cheek with the other.
His cock juts out, a drop of pre-cum beading at the tip. I flick my tongue out to lap it up and Nikolai’s hips buck. Encouraged, I suck the head into my mouth before I pull back and spit down the length of him. I give him a few strokes and peek at him through my lashes. His eyes are zeroed in on my every move, hazy with desire.
I swirl my tongue around the tip before I pull him to the back of my throat.
“Fuck,” he groans, and his grip tightens in my hair. I hum around him as he hits the back of my throat. When I push him just a little too far, I pull back and catch my breath while I twist my fist around him. “That’s it,” he says. “You make me feel so fucking good.”
I alternate between stroking him and fucking him with my mouth until his muscles start to go taut and he pulls on my hair more insistently.
“I don’t want to come yet,” he says, pulling me off him. I release him with a pop and lick my lips. He tugs me up his body until we’re chest to chest. I melt into him, letting his warmth seep into my bones. He slams his lips to mine, more desperate than he was before.
In one smooth, quick motion, he flips us until he rests his elbows on either side of my head. I snake a hand between our bodies and line him up to my core. We kiss as he slides in slowly, carefully. I moan into his mouth and cling to his waist. His muscles ripple beneath my touch as he starts to thrust back and forth.
He breaks the kiss and stares down at me, his hair dangling down and I brush it behind his ears. “I love you.”
“Say it again,” I whisper.
His face shines with the words as he slides into me again. “I love you, Jane. I’ll spend the rest of my life saying it over and over and over again.” He kisses me again. “I love you.” Another kiss, this time on my forehead. “I love you.” One on my neck. “I love you.”
I pull his hips deeper, nails digging into them, as I fall under the spell of his movement and his words.
“I’ll never get tired of hearing that from you.”
“I’ll never get tired of telling you.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”