8 Years Ago
8 YEARS AGO
JANE
“Have everything packed to come out here?” Walker asks excitedly over the phone. I have him on speaker as I carefully fold my clothes and tuck them into little cubes.
“Working on it as we speak. Can you believe it’s finally here?”
“I can’t. We’ve been putting in so much work on this album and it’s like a culmination of the past three years we’ve been a band.”
Walker and the guys have been out in LA for almost a year and their first album release party is this weekend. I’m flying out there to celebrate with them, but anxiety has been destroying my stomach this week leading up to it.
It’s going to be the first time I’ll see and speak to Nikolai since I walked away from him in his backyard last summer. The abrupt loss of not only one of my best friends, but my first love, paralyzed me for weeks. It felt like a part of myself was snuffed out when Nikolai shook his head, asking me to take back my declaration for him.
But I’ve picked myself back up, settled into my new life at Harvard, and I’ve been creating a new group of friends. Although I still haven’t dated anyone yet. I’m not ready for that.
“I’m so proud of you,” I tell him earnestly. I walk over to my closet and pull out my favorite baby pink dress and carefully roll it to fit in the suitcase. “Hayden sent me a sample the other day from one of the songs. He at least is willing to give me teasers when I ask for them.”
“If he wants to breach the contract and send them to you, that’s on him! I’m not messing with that, even knowing I’d have you on my side in the courtroom.”
I snort. “I’m not going to be a trial lawyer.”
I can picture Walker’s eyes glazing over so I don’t continue down that road of conversation.
“Make sure you text me your flight information so I can pick you up. I already added you to the list with the label.”
“There’s a list? How fancy.”
His fingers tap against some sort of surface in the background, creating a staccato rhythm over the line. “Right? Crazy shit. You can be my plus one for the evening since I’m riding solo to it.”
That makes my ears perk up and I stop packing. I settle on the sad, thin mattress of my dorm room and lean against the wall. “Is anyone else bringing a date?”
“Reid isn’t. That would be too serious of a commitment for him.” He snorts. Yep, sounds like Reid. Hayden was talking about bringing the girl he’s been seeing casually but if you ask me, she kinda sucks so I hope he doesn’t.”
“And Nikolai?” I try to ask as innocently as possible.
“Please, have you forgotten what he’s like? Of course he is.” My stomach plummets to the floor. “He’s bringing his current flavor of the month. I haven’t met her yet, but I’ve sort of stopped paying attention to who he’s seeing anymore. Not worth learning someone’s name when they’re gone the next week already.”
The walls cave in around me. It’s not like this is a surprise. I’ve been sure that Nikolai’s been hooking up with other girls. Why wouldn’t he? He’s single and that’s what he wanted right? That rockstar lifestyle?
But it’s one thing to imagine it, but another to be confronted with it. And I’m going to show up to the party, alone, and have to watch him parade his newest fling around and pretend like it doesn’t bleed me out slowly.
“You still there?” Walker asks.
“Yeah, sorry.” I shake my head and steady my voice. I can’t throw my brother off by pressing for more information or appearing to be upset by the news. “I should go, it’s getting late here. But I’ll send you my flights as soon as we hang up.”
I must be good at hiding my torment because he says, “Sounds good. Love you, Janie. See you tomorrow.”
“Love you, too.” I hang up and drop the phone beside me like a stone.
I don’t know what I thought. It’s not like I was going to show up to the party tomorrow, Nikolai would fall to his knees and beg for my forgiveness, and we’d be back together by the time I fly home.
But the idea of watching him be with someone else makes me physically sick. Here I am, not having dated anyone since I arrived at school because I was still caught up in him, while from the sounds of it, he’s been going through women like T-shirts.
Fuck that.
Before I allow my brain to talk me out of it, I hop off the bed, slip on a pair of sneakers, and walk down the hall of my dormitory. My eyes dance over the passing numbers, looking for one in particular.
I’ve been over here a few times with other students from our classes for small parties. There’s a group of us that have a lot of the same classes, so we’ve formed a bit of a group.
But I’m looking for one in particular.
I knock a few times on that door before stepping back. Fuck, I didn’t even check what I looked like before I stormed over here. I quickly smooth my hands over my hair and glance down at my clothes. I’m in leggings and a university crewneck. Not the best, but not the worst.
I shift from foot to foot, waiting for an answer. Maybe he’s out. That would make sense. He’s social and fairly popular on campus already. I’m just about to abandon this crazy idea when the door suddenly swings open, revealing a bare-chested Liam.
“Jane,” he says, surprise lifting his brows. “Hey, how’s it going?”
I take a deep breath before I raise my chin and ask, “Are you busy this weekend?”
Nikolai
“I can’t believe how many people are here.” Reid usually plays it cool, hiding his excitement under a mask of indifference, but he’s almost bouncing on his toes as the party kicks off.
“Absolutely insane,” I agree as I scan the party. The label rented out an entire restaurant/bar situation downtown and they didn’t spare any expenses. Neon lights cover the walls, casting the room is a hazy, cool glow. Our album artwork is everywhere you look. The band logo is stamped into the buns of the sliders being served and the cocktail napkins littering every surface.
“I can’t believe this is all for us,” he says in a dreamlike state.
I wish I could be soaking it in like he is, but my attention keeps getting pulled to the door every time it opens. She’s supposed to be coming tonight. She wouldn’t miss this for Walker.
But almost an hour into the party and I haven’t seen her yet. I’m tempted to ask Walker, but he’s been busy going around the room with Arun as they build connections with other industry people tonight. We have an official manager, but Walker still serves as the mouthpiece for the four of us.
Hayden meanders over to us with a drink. They aren’t carding any of us tonight. “What are you looking for?”
“What?”
“You look like you’re looking for something. Did you end up inviting Becca?”
I can’t hide my grimace quick enough and the two of them laugh. “Fuck no.”
“Done with her already?” Reid elbows me.
I push him away and grab a glass of water from a passing tray. “Yeah. Old news.”
“Onto the next.” Hayden chuckles.
Wrong. I want to correct them, but I need to find her first.
I could’ve called. There are so many nights I thought about it. Had her number pulled up on my phone, finger hovering above the green button, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
The lifestyle I thought I wanted? It’s empty. It took me losing her, being out here and going out with people who are more empty inside than I am, to realize that I made a mistake.
I knew it in the moment that night in my backyard it was, but I needed to see it through.
I’m going to find her tonight and talk to her. Tell her that I’m sorry. That I love her too. That I don’t know why I couldn’t say it then when I knew I felt it deep inside. And then once we talk, I’m going to come clean to Walker.
A few people from the label come up and mingle with us and I try to pay attention. This is an important night and I know I should be networking. But where the hell is she?
“There’s our fifth member!” Hayden suddenly calls out, and I whip around so fast I about trip over. Walker approaches the group with Jane by his side.
God, she looks fucking beautiful. Her hair has gotten longer since I last saw her. Her long legs eat up the distance, on display in her short, pink dress. Her signature color.
She’s ruined pink for me. I only think of her when I see it and it haunts me.
When she locks eyes with me, everything in the room stops. My vision narrows until it’s only her. Only my LJ. Her green eyes crease at the corners as she looks at me and they lack their usual sparkle. It’s almost as if she’s looking through me…
Hayden hugs Jane when she reaches us and Reid nods in her direction, never one for casual displays of affection. “Thanks for flying all this way for us.”
She smiles at him as she says, “I would never miss this. I needed to see it for myself that this is real. That you made it from the bars of Pittsburgh to the big stage in LA.”
“No big stages yet,” Reid mutters.
“Soon.” Walker claps him on the back enthusiastically.
I realize I’m the only one who hasn’t spoken yet, so I say, “I’m just surprised you pulled your nose out of your textbooks long enough to come here.” I soften the joke with a lighthearted laugh that the guys echo, but Jane’s mouth twists to the side and she averts her gaze.
This isn’t the type of greeting I was expecting. I thought she might be standoffish, but she’s almost cold . She’s never been like that with me before.
“Sorry, man. I’m being rude,” Walker says. “You guys obviously all know Jane, but this is Liam. Her boyfriend.” Walker gestures to the guy standing on Jane’s left that I failed to notice. And then I replay Walker’s words and realize then that he’s not just a random party guest that’s hanging around.
No.
Not a regular guy who just happened to fall in the conversation.
Not a regular guy as he says hello to the group and Jane prattles on about how they live in the same dorm and have a lot of the same classes. She barely spares me a second look.
And in that moment, when I watch his hand grab hers and interlock their fingers as one, when she smiles at him the way she used to do to me, the weight of it slams into me like a hurricane.
I’ve lost her.