36. Jane
36
JANE
I feel him approach me before I hear him. The air charges with an electric energy that only Nikolai Brooks can muster. It dances over my skin and makes my heart race.
“Hey,” he says timidly; his footsteps nearly silent on the concrete.
The rising sun burns my eyes but I don’t look away. I like the sting, and for this view, it’s worth it.
Just like how Nikolai has always been worth the hurt, I guess.
“You’re back early.”
The water is cool around my legs as I swish them around in the water. I wasn’t planning to come out here so early, but I couldn’t sleep and as I paced around the house, I found myself out here.
“Yeah.” He kicks his shoes off when he reaches me and rolls up the bottoms of his joggers. With a heavy sigh, he sits beside me, shoulders brushing, and puts his feet in the water, too. “You haven’t been answering your phone.”
“I turned it off.”
“I figured.”
“You look like shit.” Dark circles hang beneath his dull eyes and his hair sticks up in various directions.
He barks out a laugh and rubs a hand across his cheek roughly. “Thank you for your honesty, LJ.”
“I watched your performance,” I say, cutting to the chase.
“Jane—”
I whirl my head in his direction and lock our eyes. “I’m going to ask you a question and I’m telling you right now, you better be 100% honest with me. I’ve been cheated on before, you know this. And I’m trying really, really hard not to let that situation bleed into ours. So, I’m going to ask you this once.”
He swallows thickly.
“Did you tell her she could kiss you?”
“No.” The single word is emphatic and certain. “I promise you, Jane, I did not.”
I nod. The movement sends my hair falling in my face, creating a curtain of privacy as his answer sinks in.
It’s what I knew deep down. As I stared at the blank TV, trying to sleep last night but replaying it over and over in my mind, I knew that he wouldn’t have done that. He tried to dodge her that entire performance. But after being cheated on and already hurt so deeply by Nikolai in the past, it was hard to see the logical side that I crave.
“Please say something,” he pleads. He tentatively brushes my hair behind my ear so he can look at me. His eyes shine and my heart aches to see him hurting.
“I believe you,” I whisper and he immediately lets out a relieved huff. The sight of his relief calms something in me as well.
“I promise I would never do that to you.” He takes my hands in his and pulls them into his lap. “She took me completely off guard and I pulled away as soon as I realized what was happening.”
“The camera shots conveniently cut that part out.”
His teeth grind. “I called it off with her as soon as we got offstage. I told Arun that I didn’t care what he had to do, but I’m done. The whole stunt, the appearances with her, everything. It’s done.”
I cup his jaw and run my thumb over the light stubble. “I’m sorry she did that to you.”
He looks at our joined hands. “I was so worried you thought that I would do that to you.”
“I mean, I won’t lie and say that doubt didn’t run through my mind all night.” But as soon as I laid eyes on him, I knew . He didn’t do this. “I just needed to hear you confirm it for me.”
“I’m sorry.” He lays his head in the crook of my shoulder and I rest mine against his as we watch the orange haze grow across the city.
“You don’t have to apologize. But it was painful to watch.” My voice cracks.
“Probably as painful as it was to see you with Liam.” He chuckles, the sound lacking humor.
Seriously? “Nikolai, we’ve been over this. We both saw people over the years. That was fair game.”
“No,” he lifts his head, “I mean when you brought him to our first album release party.”
I jerk back. “What do you mean?—”
“I was going to get you back that night,” he says, chest heaving with a labored breath. “And you shredded me to fucking pieces when you showed up with him. I knew then that I had lost you for good.”