42. Jane
42
JANE
Me: Can we talk?
Walker: I’m pissed at you
Me: I know
Me: Please? I can come over
Walker: I don’t want to be cooped up in the house. Come over here and we’ll go for a hike
Me: You’re punishing me with a hike?
Walker: It’s that or nothing
Me: Fine. I’ll be over in twenty
“ Y ou’re not going to push me off one of these cliffs, are you?” I tease as we walk on the dirt path up one of the hills.
Walker doesn’t even crack a smile. He’s barely spoken to me since I got to his house and we hopped in his car and drove out here. I was wary of cameras trying to catch us out as now I’m a topic of conversation online, but Walker assured me that this hiking path is quiet.
And so far, we’ve only spotted two separate hikers and both were so preoccupied with their workouts that neither paid us any attention.
Still, we both have hats and sunglasses on. When he reaches up to adjust his, I spot his broken knuckles. Guilt weighs heavy on my shoulders, overriding the anger that he actually hit Nikolai.
“Is your hand okay?” They’re his tools, his instruments.
“It’s fine,” he mutters. “Is your boyfriend’s face okay?”
I tread carefully. “He’s fine. I can’t believe you actually hit him.”
“He deserved it.”
“He didn’t.”
“Are you kidding me, Jane? He fucked you in an alley, out in the open?—”
“We thought we were alone.”
“And it landed on the news. He treated you like one of his whores.”
I grab his shoulder and stop him in his tracks. “Don’t you dare call me a whore.”
“That’s not what I’m saying.” He sighs heavily and throws his head back. “I would never call you a whore. You know I don’t think you are.”
“You have a right to be angry, but not cruel.”
“I do have a right to be angry,” he agrees. “My best friend and my twin sister went behind my back for years. We had an agreement. None of our friends, Janie. You were the one who put that in place.”
“I know I did.” And I knowingly violated that pack. “But I never let it affect your friendship with him. Neither did he.”
He scoffs. “I wouldn’t exactly call our relationships unaffected at the moment.”
“James, be reasonable.” I sound like our mom. “He’s one of your best friends. You know who he is.”
He throws his arms out. “Exactly! I know how he is and that’s exactly why I would never want you to get hurt by him.”
“I understand he’s had a past with women,” I try to reason with him, “but our relationship is very different. This isn’t a fling. This isn’t something we’re both doing because we’re bored and having fun. We have history.”
He takes his sunglasses off and narrows his eyes on me. “He said you guys were together during senior year.”
I nod and a muscle in his jaw tics.
“Did he cheat on you?”
“No,” I say on an exhale. “We broke up before you guys moved to LA.”
He bites the inside of his cheek and looks over the hills. I let him process that information silently because he finally seems to be listening. “And when did you get back together?”
“There’s not a clear cut answer to that.”
“Try.”
I sigh. “We had some things to work through and we started patching things up when I moved out here.”
He shakes his head and laughs humorlessly. “So this entire summer, while I was thanking him for taking you in and watching out for you, the two of you were hooking up behind my back.”
“Stop cheapening it to sex. We have a relationship. We love each other. It’s not some casual situationship.”
His face twists as he says, “I don’t want to hear about the two of you having sex.”
“I don’t particularly want to discuss it with you either, but that’s the part you seem to be focusing on.”
A couple comes up the trail and we move off to the side to let them pass. They nod in passing and I smile at them, hoping they didn’t overhear our conversation.
“We should keep walking,” I tell my brother and he nods. My thighs burn at the incline and my lungs begin to ache with every breath.
He walks ahead of me and I follow silently until we reach a clearing. “I need a break,” I gasp. When he peeks at me over his shoulder, I swear I see a faint smile cross his face and my middle finger is tempted to rise. He did this as a punishment to me.
Well played, brother.
I intertwine my fingers on my head and focus on my breathing. Walker barely broke a sweat and he watches me with satisfaction.
“You did this on purpose.”
“Maybe,” he snickers.
“Look,” I say between heaving breaths, “I never wanted you to find out like that. Trust me, it’s not an ideal situation for me either.”
His face shows genuine remorse as he says, “I’m sorry you were violated like that. Beneath the anger I have toward you and Nikolai right now, there’s also rage on your behalf as well.”
I give him a half-smile. “Thank you for saying that.” Walker has always been protective of me and the ones he loves. He’s fiercely loyal and will go toe to toe for anyone he cares about. “Whatever you want to know about me and Nikolai, you can ask me. I promise I won’t hide anything from you.”
He walks over toward the edge of one of the overlooks and crosses his arms. I move to stand beside him.
“Look, Janie, I have my own shit going on right now. I can’t take this on, too. If you guys are happy, then I don’t want to interfere. It’s not my life and not my decision. You’re both adults and I don’t have any authority over who you choose to date. But I’m really fucking hurt by the both of you. You lied to me for almost a decade. You’re supposed to be my best friend. So is he.”
Tears spring to my eyes and I blink them away. “I never wanted to hurt you, and I’m so sorry I did.”
His lip trembles with his own restrained emotion. “I just need some space, okay? Let me process this. I don’t want to be angry with you or him. I really don’t.”
I uncross his arms and squeeze his hand. “I understand. I’ll respect that. Just please, I hope you can be happy for us. Because I promise you, he’s it for me. This is real, and it’s not going anywhere.”
He turns to look at me and he looks like a shell of himself. Did I do this to him? His earlier words ring in my mind and I ask, “Is everything okay? Not the thing with me and Nikolai, but you said you have your own shit going on.”
I can see the shutters boarding up behind his eyes as he shuts down. “It’s nothing.”
“You can talk to me,” I say gently.
He snorts. “That’s rich coming out of your mouth right now.”
Well, I deserved that one. “I just want you to know you can talk to me. I’m here for you.”
He purses his lips and stares out at the sweeping landscape below. The wind blows through the material of his cut-off shirt and it billows out slightly. He looks lost, like that usual spark that makes him him is dimmed. He’s been looking like this for a while now.
Worry gnaws at my gut but I can’t push him right now. Not as we stand on such shaky ground already. So instead, I wrap my arms around one of his and lean into him. He stiffens, but then eventually relaxes and lays his head on top of mine. We stand there, looking out over the view of LA, until our backs ache and the sun starts to burn our skin.
We’re not okay, but we will be. He’s my twin. Nothing is going to break us apart. I won't allow it, but I will allow him the time he needs to process it.