Chapter 4
4
I don’t get it.
The words rang in Jo’s ears, echoing back through months, through years.
A memory from over a year ago surfaced. In her mind, -Jeremy’s voice was as clear as day. Damn it, Jo. I already told my friends we’d be at their barbecue this weekend. You signed up for another fucking convention? I don’t get it. Why are you so obsessed with this damn game?
Another memory, another time—maybe three or four years ago. His voice was low and sultry now, as if he were whispering in Jo’s ear. I don’t get it, baby… but, fuck, I love it when you play an elf for me. What’s your name tonight?
Then, she and Jeremy were younger, both of them still in their mid-twenties. Things between them were new and fresh and fun. They were willing to try things for each other. At least, Jo had thought they were. I tried your monster game once, okay? His tone teetered on a knife’s edge between exasperated and callous. Please get off my back about it. I don’t get it, and I never will. Have fun with your friends, just leave me the hell out of it.
“Hey. Jo?”
A gentle voice pierced through the haze of memory. She blinked and cleared her vision. Felix’s dark eyes, wide with worry, were the first things she saw. He was leaning forward in his chair, his hand suspended in midair, as if he’d reached out to touch her but had thought better of it. What with the whole being-alone-behind-a-locked-door thing.
“You with me, Jo?”
“Yeah, yeah,” she said, jamming her glasses onto the bridge of her nose. “I’m here, sorry. Got lost in thought.”
Felix eyed her for a moment, then seemed to decide not to push it. He redirected his hand to the pencil on the desk. “It was dragon-kin, right?”
“Right,” she said. She watched him write the word in precise uppercase letters on the “Race” line. Then she made a decision of her own. “Do you want me to answer your question? About why people do this?”
Felix looked at her with a tenderness Jo hadn’t seen in… well, a long damn time. “Only if it won’t upset you.”
“It won’t,” she assured him.
He put his pencil back down and swiveled to face her, giving her his full attention. The weight of his gaze was like staring into the sun, but he was so earnest she couldn’t look away.
“You like things that are based on reality, right?” she said. “For some people, reality sucks. MnM can be an escape, a safe place. The game has always prided itself on being inclusive. There’s a whole section in chapter one about how MnM worlds don’t have the kinds of stigmas or prejudices around race, gender and sexuality, or disability that our world has. I’ve known so many people who find that incredibly freeing. My friend, Young, discovered they were non-binary because they played a non-binary dwarf in one of my games a few years ago and felt more like themself than they ever had in their life. Can you imagine?”
Jo swallowed the lump in her throat. Felix reached under the desk and pulled out an unopened water bottle from God knows where. She thanked him and paused for a sip.
“Sometimes it’s good and healthy, necessary even, to play out fantasies when the real world tears you down or tells you that you can’t be yourself,” she continued. “I don’t know what your politics are, Felix. But if you’re going to be a GM for a game with a core tenet of inclusivity, you need to know that you can’t question a trans kid or a closeted twenty-something playing a character that they wish they could be in real life.”
Felix shook his head, his mouth slightly open. “I would never.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” she replied.
“Was it like that for you?” he asked, tentative and careful.
Jo smiled to herself. “Not exactly. I’m white and able-bodied, and I’m not queer. In a completely different way, though, I learned what kind of person I want to be through MnM.” She turned to page seven in Core Rules. She read aloud from the text under the “Welcome to the Sibylline Wastes” heading, easily slipping into her narrator’s cadence.
“‘The Sibylline Wastes are in need of heroes. Monstrous creatures ravage the lands. Giants lay waste to crops. Gods kidnap people as servants for their temples. Corrupt rulers levy heavy taxes and oppress their citizens. You (yes, you, adventurer) have a calling to be a hero. To stand up for what is right, even to the point of death. To fight for justice and freedom for all peoples in all lands. To sing on behalf of those who cannot speak up for themselves. Will you take up your calling? Will you be the hero the Sibylline Wastes need?’”
Jo leaned back and blinked away the tears those words always brought to her eyes. Felix was gazing at her as if seeing her for the first time.
“That was written in 1979 when Monsters and Mythology was first created,” she said. “It’s been printed, unchanged, in every single Sibylline Wastes book since then. Even the novels.”
“Wow,” Felix said under his breath.
“I went to a convention once where every gaming session was opened by someone yelling, ‘Will you take up your calling?’ Hundreds of people yelled back, ‘Huzzah!’ I got chills every time. People have tattoos of that line. I’ve got one that says, ‘yes, you, adventurer’ to remind myself that it’s my job to keep fighting the good fight every damn day. That it’s possible to win with nothing but unshakeable belief and a good group of allies.”
There was a heavy pause. Felix and Jo stared at each other until Jo’s cheeks warmed.
Then he said, “I get it.”
Jo took a long drink of water, tipping her head back so Felix wouldn’t see the fresh tears that had gathered in her eyes at those words. Perhaps he saw them anyway, because he chose that moment to excuse himself to the bathroom. She composed herself and checked the time on her phone, disappointed to see that their hour was nearly over. While she waited for Felix, she texted Aida.
Jo
Not dead yet. Will text again when we’re done, but this guy actually has some emotional intelligence.
Aida
Still locked in with a stranger, dumbass
Jo
Can you say something about boundaries? I only gave him an hour and it’s almost up but I kind of want to stay?
Aida
I shouldn’t need to say anything about boundaries, because you are LOCKED IN WITH A STRANGER
DUMBASS
But here: Make good choices, which includes keeping the boundaries you set because you are worth taking care of, especially by yourself.
Jo
Does taking care of myself also include jacking off to Bridgerton?
She tucked her phone into her pocket as Felix reentered the lobby. “You need a name for your character,” she declared, attempting to lighten the mood as they wrapped up. “And I swear to God if you suggest ‘Felix,’ I will be furious.”
Felix laughed and leaned his elbows on the counter, his hands clasped together, and his sleeves now rolled up. Jo did an actual, literal double take.
Jesus Christ. Those forearms. Jo had never seen someone with such definition in their forearms before. She could count three individual cords of muscle running up the tops of his arms under dark hair.
“Will you come up with a name for me?” Felix asked.
Jo tore her attention away from her momentary muscular fixation to look him in the eye. “I will do no such thing. Your character’s name should be something you like, since the GM will use it to refer to you during games. Even pre-generated character sheets have blank names so the player can come up with their own.”
“Do you have any suggestions, then? I don’t know what a dragon’s name should sound like, but I’m guessing ‘Steve’ or ‘Debra’ would be a bad choice.”
Jo grinned. “Technically, you can pick any name you want. But the Core Rules has a list of name suggestions under each race.”
He reached for the book. Jo handed it to him, keeping her focus on Felix’s face and not the underside of his arm, which was almost as corded as the top. Who the hell worked out their forearms that much?
Felix turned to the table of contents, ran one long finger down the page until he found the “Dragonkin” page number, and opened to it. Jo added another item to her mental list of things to teach him next time: sticky notes to mark each section for easy reference during games.
“That’s your homework,” she said, standing up and tapping the page Felix was perusing.
Felix glanced at the clock, which showed two minutes past seven. “You’re giving me homework?” he said with a playful lilt to his voice.
“Oh, there’s more,” she said as she gathered her things. “I know I said to skim the chapters after three, but I want you to go through the equipment chapter and pick out what you want your fighter to start with. You’re not a pugilist yet, so you’ll at least need armor and melee and ranged weapons. Your archetype gives you starting gold—we wrote that down—so that’s how much money you have to spend.”
He stared at her. “I’m sorry, you’ve lost me.”
“Here, give me your number,” Jo said, offering him her phone. “You can text if you have questions.”
He glanced down at the phone without taking it. “I can give you my card. Email me what you just explained, if you don’t mind, and I’ll write you back with any questions.”
“Sure, whatever works.” Jo kicked herself. First, she openly ogled the man’s arms, then she tried to wrangle his phone number out of him. Jo wasn’t locked in here with Felix. He was locked in here with her!
He rounded the desk and dug out a business card that read:
Felix Navarro, MI
Junior Librarian, General Services
“Thanks,” Jo said. Felix nodded and slid his hands into his pockets. After a moment, she inclined her head toward the door. “You want to let me out?”
“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Felix reached across Jo for the keys. He’d been so careful not to touch her all night, but now his chest brushed against her shoulder, warm and firm. Startled, she moved back and immediately regretted it. Felix either didn’t notice or chose to politely ignore it.
He unlocked the door and stepped outside, holding it open for her. It was drizzling again. Jo followed him out and paused under the concrete overhang that kept them dry.
“Thank you for your help tonight. Are you going to be all right getting to your car?” he asked, professional and courteous once more. If she was being honest, Jo preferred the version of Felix that swore and had soft, kind eyes, but she liked this version well enough.
“I’m good, thanks. Same time next week?”
“Yes, I’ll be here. If you have business at the library during the week, I hope you’ll say hello.”
“Of course,” she said, waving goodnight. “Don’t work too late!”
He raised a hand in farewell as Jo jogged through the feather--light dusting of rain. She glanced back before turning the corner of the building to see Felix watching her with an easy smile. Her heart fluttered and kept on fluttering until she was inside her car.
She pulled out her phone to text Aida that she had survived, and her stomach plummeted. A text notification, plainly visible on the lock screen, read:
Aida
That or the hot librarian
“Oh my God,” Jo muttered. “Oh my fucking God, I handed him my phone.”
Was the screen on? Was the phone unlocked? No, no, she definitely remembered not unlocking her phone, which in retrospect was pretty fucking stupid of her. But had she bumped the power button and turned on the screen while it was facing him? What if the notification popped up at the exact moment she handed him the phone?
“Oh my Gooooood,” she wailed. What time had she handed Felix the phone? Sometime right after seven? Aida had texted at seven-oh-three. And he had glanced down. He had definitely glanced down at her phone as she held it out to him. And then gave her his email address instead of his number. “Nooooo!”
She didn’t even bother texting Aida. She called her. As soon as the ring cut off, Jo blurted out, “He might have seen your last text.”
Aida gasped and gave the exact right response. “Oh my God!”
Jo gave her the rundown of her last five minutes with Felix, corded forearms and all. “I have to fix this, Aida. Felix seems like a genuinely good guy, and I don’t want him to think I’m a total creep.”
“Okay, babe. Here’s what you’re going to do,” Aida said in her no-nonsense, project-manager-for-seven-figure-contracts voice. “You’re going to email him and play it totally cool. Don’t use too many exclamation points, treat him like you’d treat a work friend, and obviously don’t say anything about the text because odds are he didn’t even see it.”
Jo was nodding along, even though Aida couldn’t see her. “I can do that. But also, fuck you, because exclamation points are a really good tone indicator in writing.”
“Work friend, Jo,” she countered. “He’s being all professional with you, so you match that.”
Jo sighed. “You’re right. Now I need to go home so he doesn’t walk out here and see me watching the building from my car. Like a total creep.”
From:Jolene Rainier
To:Felix Navarro
Date:Friday, May 3, 2024, 7:36 P.M.
Subject:Homework
Hey Felix,
Here’s your homework. Chapter 4 of the Core Rules lists all the basic non-magical equipment characters can get. Your fighter has gold, labeled G on your character sheet. (Wait, the library key was gold! Is that why there’s a G on it???) That’s how much money you have to spend on your equipment. Make sure you at least get a set of armor and two weapons: one melee and one ranged. Up to you what else to get.
Let me know if you have any questions and if you pick a name!
Have a good weekend,
Jo
From:Felix Navarro
To:Jolene Rainier
Date:Saturday, May 4, 2024, 8:34 A.M.
Subject:RE: Homework
Good morning Jo,
Thank you for the information. I appreciate you taking the time to write this out for me. I doubt the G on the library’s key stands for gold, but your supposition is a clever one. It made me smile before 9 A.M. on a Saturday, which is no easy feat.
I haven’t picked a name for the character yet, but I decided to make him a male. Here’s a question that just occurred to me. Is male correct, or does one say “man” when the creature isn’t strictly human?
Best,
Felix
~
Felix Navarro, MI
Junior Librarian, General Services
Butler County Library District — Ashville Public Library
From:Jolene Rainier
To:Felix Navarro
Date:Saturday, May 4, 2024, 3:22 P.M.
Subject:RE: Homework
Weirdly, there is so much drama about that. Most people say man and woman for those genders and don’t think about it too much. But some players are rules lawyers (aka a**holes) who insist on using male and female for every race (even human) because that’s what the original 1979 rulebook did. Honestly, I think it’s dated and kinda skeevy. Just say man. He/him works too.
Can I ask you a question (besides this one)? What does the MI stand for after your name? I Googled it, but “MI library” and “MI librarian” just showed me all of the libraries and librarian jobs in Michigan.
You’re probably at work, so don’t let me take up your time. You can tell me on Friday. I just didn’t want to forget to ask. I’ll see you then!
Jo
From:Felix Navarro
To:Jolene Rainier
Date:Monday, May 6, 2024, 8:43 A.M.
Subject:RE: Homework
Dear Jo,
I did some online research of my own, specifically about the type of players you called “rules lawyers.” I’m inclined to agree with your assessment of them. Some insight into how to manage them as a GM would be appreciated. Let’s please save that topic until we’re in person, though; I think a conversation would be more fruitful than email.
I completed your homework assignment last night, aside from choosing a name. I assure you, I’ll have one by Friday. I didn’t have any questions, which I attribute to your excellent tutelage the other night. Thank you again for your time. I’m very grateful.
To answer your question, MI stands for Master of Information, the type of graduate degree I hold from Rutgers University. It’s similar to MLIS and MLS, which are the more well-known abbreviations for librarians’ master’s degrees.
If questions about names are on the table, I must admit I’m curious about Jo as a nickname for Jolene. I’m sure you hear this all the time, but I would have assumed Josephine or Joanna. For what it’s worth, I think Jolene suits you.
Best,
Felix
From:Jo Rainier
To:Felix Navarro
Date:Tuesday, May 7, 2024, 6:10 P.M.
Subject:RE: Homework
Oh my god, I totally forgot that my display name was Jolene. It’s fixed now.
As you might have guessed, my mom’s a big Dolly Parton fan. And obviously, Dolly is the queen, but there’s only so many times a kid can stand having her own name sung at her when she meets someone new. I even had auburn hair as a girl. (It went more brown as I got older, but now I dye it auburn anyway because eff me, I guess.) I cannot tell you how glad I am not to have eyes of emerald green, though! But thanks for saying Jolene suits me… that’s really nice.
I started going by Jo in middle school. It was my best friend Aida’s idea, actually. We got paired up for some icebreaker activity, and I didn’t want to tell her my name. She weaseled the whole story out of me and suggested I go by Jo instead. I loved it immediately, and Aida and I became inseparable. She corrected everyone who called me Jolene until it stuck.
And since I’ve written you two full paragraphs about my name, I’m going to shut up now.
I’m glad you figured out the equipment! Happy to help. Can’t wait to hear that name on Friday!
Jo
P.S. Funny story. When I told my parents I was moving to Ashville, my mom literally shrieked with joy because she thought I said Nashville and she’s always wanted to go to Dollywood. Like she was only excited to visit me because of my proximity to a theme park. (lol thanks mom)