Chapter One #2
“I’ll give you that one,” I say, glancing up at him. He smiles and shakes his head, but continues. I did spend an insane amount of time last night finding where this place was.
“You need help regulating, but you are perfectly capable of participating in this program,” Reid continues.
“Okay…” I say, looking back at the paper to resume doodling.
“What do you understand about the program and our objective here at Meridian?” he asks.
“To teach different ways of healing,” I answer.
“How?”
“BDSM,” I answer.
“Be more specific, Ayla.”
“Fuck, I don’t know!” I snap.
“Then ask me,” he says gently.
“Fine. Can you explain it?” I sigh heavily and look up at him when he doesn’t answer.
“Meridian teaches coping mechanisms while helping the participant through trauma and mental illness. For you, the objective will be to help replace your tendency to self-harm when stressed or triggered, but also help you learn how to trust again. You struggle with those in authority positions or those who you see as having power over you. By teaching you how to safely submit and trust the person leading, it will give you all the space you need to heal without the stressors of making decisions.”
“Maybe I am a dom,” I say with a frown. “Aren’t you supposed to test me on that?”
“Usually, yes. The test is different for everyone because every participant functions differently,” he says. “But a dom? Come on, Ayla.”
“What?” I ask. “You’d make a good submissive. Are you a good boy, Reid?”
“You tell me, Ayla. Do you want me to be a good boy?” Reid asks smoothly.
“Uhm…” I say. I picture him on his knees in front of me, and I blush hard. I drop my head and continue to violently doodle.
“Or would you rather be the good girl who gets all the praise?” Reid asks, taking the pen and notebook from me. “Look at me, Ayla.”
“No!” I laugh nervously and move back to stand. Reid sets everything down and stands with me. It doesn’t scare me, but it is intimidating. I back up, but he doesn’t step closer to me. I expect him to, but I don’t know why he didn’t.
“What are you thinking?” Reid asks.
“You stood like you were going to… I think I’m projecting,” I say.
“You thought what?” he asks.
“I thought you’d come after me… But you didn’t,” I say. “I stepped back and you just… left me alone.”
“Because without consent to pursue, that is cornering you when you are uncomfortable,” he says. “Do you want me to corner you, Ayla?”
“I… don’t know,” I say. “I just expected it.”
Reid takes a careful step toward me, and I nearly trip over myself to back up again. He continues to step toward me until I am against the mirror. I don’t say anything or move, and he gets within arm’s reach, but doesn’t touch me.
“So, Ayla. You asked if I was a good boy. Am I?”
“Uhm,” I laugh. “Yeah… You didn’t touch me.”
“You don’t want to be touched?” he asks.
“You’re so confusing,” I sigh.
“How?”
“You’re giving me whiplash,” I say hatefully.
“How?”
“What the fuck do you mean, how?” I say, raising my voice.
He moves slightly, and it’s innocent—God, he’s so innocent—but it triggers something in my memories.
I snap and shove him away, but he promptly grabs my wrists and spins me around to face the mirror.
I nearly crumple to the floor when a sob cracks from my throat, but he has his hands on my waist to keep me upright. I hate how fucking well he knows me.
“Deep breaths,” Reid says gently.
“I’m sorry,” I sob. “Please don’t give up on me. I’m sorry.”
“Ayla, why would I give up on you?” Reid asks. “Open your eyes and look at yourself.”
I open my eyes, and everything is blurry through the tears, but seeing how distraught I am somehow helps me calm down. I can see the reality of how fast I spiraled.
“Before you pushed me, what did you feel in your body?” Reid asks.
“My chest was tight,” I sniffle.
“That was panic, Ayla. You are triggered,” Reid says. He takes his hands off my waist, and I turn to face him with my back against the mirror. He doesn’t move, and it keeps him close to me.
“Does this help?” he asks. “Having someone close?”
“Yeah,” I admit quietly.
“Look at you getting all dominant, Reid,” a man says from the doorway.
“That is Thane, your trainer,” Reid says, rolling his eyes almost playfully. “Thane, you’re early.”
“I wasn’t expecting you to be here,” Thane says as Reid backs up.
“This is Ayla. She is triggered by offices, so we came here,” Reid says.
“It’s good to meet you, Ayla,” Thane says, offering me his hand. I step closer and give him my hand to shake. “Is Reid triggering you?”
“Uh,” I say. “He did.”
“Yeah, he does that on purpose,” Thane laughs. “It’s his thing.”
“You’re not a very good boy, then, Reid,” I say, making Thane’s deep, hearty laugh fill the room, and Reid smiles.
“Let’s sit,” Reid chuckles.
We all sit, but it’s them facing me. I feel almost isolated. They are looking at me like they know already, so I force myself to speak up.
“I don’t like sitting here like I’m in trouble,” I say. “Can we like… Sit in a circle.”
“We can,” Thane says, moving over to better form a circle. “So where are we at, Reid?”
“Well, I know her subtype. We will move on to limits and goals. I want to make sure she understands what is expected of her. I think with you being her trainer, it might be fitting for it to come from you,” Reid explains.
“Do you want me to give you a Reid-type explanation, or the quick and dirty version?” Thane asks me.
“Quick and dirty,” I say sheepishly.
What is wrong with me?
“You will be my submissive. You will do what I say, but I will earn the right to hold your trust. Everything we do will be consent-based, but I will push you to your absolute limit and teach you what those boundaries feel like. You will learn various kinks like impact play, sensory play, orgasm control, and more. We will also go over different fantasies while keeping your trauma in mind... The goal is to help find where you are most comfortable. Ideally, these tools are something you can leave Meridian with and practice in your everyday life,” he says, stopping to study me for a second. “Do you know your limits?”
“Don’t shit on me,” I say, making him smile. “Just no bathroom activities. Oh… No fisting. That doesn’t sound like a good time.”
“You don’t seem set on that,” he remarks. “Is it a limit you are comfortable with being pushed?”
“Uh… Maybe,” I say. “You have big hands.”
“It’s not literally an entire fist, Ayla,” he laughs. “Something to consider. Anything else?”
“I don’t know, honestly. I’ve uh… Done a lot,” I admit.
“So we can just be mindful of where you are as we explore new things,” he says. “Where is your level of comfort with penetration?”
“How the fuck can you be so casual?” I snap but stop and close my eyes. I take a deep breath because I know it’s just a question. He won’t know unless he asks me. When I open my eyes, he and Reid are smiling.
“Good girl, Ayla,” Reid praises. My cheeks flush, and I smile.
“Thank you,” I say softly. “Uh… Sex has always been uncomfortable for me. So, I don’t know.”
“Uncomfortable how?” Thane asks.
“Physically,” I say. “Being dry fucked, no matter the size of the person, doesn’t feel good.”
“Meaning you aren’t usually aroused when you have sex?” he asks, and I shake my head.
“My body would react to… I didn’t want it, though. It wasn’t like that. It’s not like… I couldn’t make it stop,” I say, my words spilling out faster than I can process them.
“Slow down,” Thane instructs. “You have been aroused, but it was only during something non-consensual. Am I hearing that correctly?”
“Yeah,” I say, looking down at my hands. I see that I am rubbing the scar again, so I tighten my hands into fists for a moment before relaxing them.
“Who?” Thane asks.
“My dad,” I whisper.
“Okay. First, look at me,” Thane says. I look up at him as tears silently fall down my cheeks. “That is not your fault. You didn’t ask for that or deserve it.”
“I couldn’t make it stop,” I whimper.
“Your body has certain jobs to do, Ayla. You have thousands upon thousands of nerve endings, and they all have one job to do—React when they are stimulated. Those nerves do not give a rat's ass if it wasn’t consensual. They get stimulated, and they do their job. Sometimes a mental block can shut that down because your body isn’t getting those signals.
Biological females can orgasm at almost any age because that is what those nerves do.
Your body doesn’t require permission to do what it’s been designed to do.
It sucks, and it’s a horrible feeling to process, but do not blame your body; blame the person who hurt you. ”
“He thought I was my mom,” I sigh. “She died having me, so he stayed drunk and… well, fucked me.”
“Rape,” Thane says. “Your father didn’t fuck you, Ayla; he raped you.”
“Let’s go through your trauma,” Reid says. “What led to your hospitalization?”
“I tried to kill myself,” I say.
“Tell me about that day,” Reid says.
“Uh… Well… It was my last day before school break. I went to a professor’s office to get a letter of recommendation for an internship. He apparently wanted payment for that act of kindness, so he bent me over the chair and fu… Raped me.”
“How did you react in the moment?” Reid asks.
“I froze and went limp,” I say. “I was remembering when Dad died.”
“How did your father die?” Thane asks.
“Three months before this, I went to check on him, and he raped me,” I say. “But then, he, uh… they said it was a heart attack.”
“While…” Reid asks.
“Yeah… He died balls deep,” I say bluntly. “Every man’s dream, only it was his kid.”
“That’s awful,” Reid says. “I’m sorry you had to experience any of that.”
“He realized it was me,” I say, and they raise an eyebrow at me. “He actually looked me in the eyes for the first time ever during this and said my name like he was shocked, but he was coming… then he just grabbed his chest and fell on me.”